Spiraling out of control

I seriously thing my world is spinning out of control.  I think I need to start planting some roots before thing go totally out of control. The problem is, I’ve been flying by the seat of my pants for years, just trying to survive in the chaos called life that I’m having a hard time grounding myself.  It’s hard to change my mindset from pure survival mode to living mode.  There have been moments in my life where I have been grounded and had a purpose, where I was working towards a greater good in the world.

Last year I was grounded for a bit. It happened while reading my journals I had written while on my mission. I was swept back in time; it was as if I was there.  During that experience I realized that I liked the person I was there and wanted to be that spiritual person I used to be.  I spent a period of time typing up my missionary journals with the goal of publishing then so the world can read them.  I did some research and realized that there weren’t any books written about a girl making the choice to go on a mission so I thought this would be a good opportunity for me to share my experience with others and hopefully help other girls like myself make the right decision for them. I really felt god put into my heart this book and this is something he really wanted me to do. Things were going great for a long time then I got sick and stopped. Allergies and I don’t agree and when spring hits I’m exhausted and get really depressed and unmotivated due to feeling exhausted all the time.  The worst of allergies has past, but then life got in the way and I lost focus and haven’t gotten back into editing my journals so I can publish them.

I have been going a bit crazy lately. I’ve been living up single life to the extreme.  I’ve been yearning to go dancing at clubs(haven’t gone yet) and I have been staying up to all hours of the night.   I’m not a night person, but I have been staying up to the wee hours of the morning for the past several weeks.  I’ve been doing things that are not in my best judgment, nothing illegal or anything, just not using my head.  I haven’t been working towards the big picture, because there is no big picture. I’m still just flying by the seat of my pants. Having fun.  I guess one can’t really blame me; life has been less then fun the last many years.  I am finally in control of what I do and with whom I do it with and I’m finally doing what I want, when I want to.  That is a big change for me. For years I have had to put on a happy face and do things that I haven’t enjoyed. I used to hate going to clubs, because we would go ever weekend and he just couldn’t dance, it was awful. Maybe if I was wasted it wouldn’t of bothered me so much that he was an awful dancer, and maybe I should have been so self-conscious and should of just had fun, but I was embarrassed to be seen with him, he was that bad and to add to it my feet killed from him continually stepping on them. It was just awful. First I tried the “fake it till you make it” attitude, maybe if I pretended to have fun, I would eventually have fun. It doesn’t work. After months of doing that I told him I hated going and asked couldn’t we do something else, but he didn’t care. So I put on my martyr hat and went. Thankfully I got over being a martyr and finally put my foot down two year ago and stopped going.  And he found other people to go with.

Now that I have finally realized that my life is spinning out of control I think I should do something about it. I guess I have taken the first step, of saying I have a problem, so I am on the right path.  I’m thinking I need to once again focus on the big picture and figure out what I really want.

The problem is I don’t know what I really want.   I feel like my girlfriend felt the other week. Do I stay active in church or not. It’s been a serious toss up for me for a while. I really don’t know how to live life with out the church in it. My whole life has always evolved around the church. My whole social life is the church. I seriously don’t know how to make friends out of the church. So if I weren’t active, what would I do for a social life?  And it’s not that I don’t believe the church to be true, because I do, it’s just that all the rules and I just aren’t jiving at the moment.  I think I either need to put all feet in or out and stop trying to live with one foot on each side.

Last year I really thought I found my purpose.   And if I stick with that purpose then my mind is made up, I need to get both feet back in church and keep those commandments. On the other hand maybe, I need to find me a new purpose to animate my life.   Maybe I should just flip a coin….  I just got off the phone with my girlfriend and she said I need to watch “Sex in the City.” She loaned me the complete box set. Maybe I should take the night off from going out and partying and stay the night in and start watching it. Maybe the girls can give me some insight.  It’s still early in the day. I guess I have a few more hours before I have to figure out what I am going to do after work.