Day 22-What makes you different from everyone else

• I am very unique. My idea and thoughts are not of a standard female and especially not your typical LDS girl.
• I am a great cook and know lots about nutrition and exercise and I'm very healthy, but don't push my lifestyle on others.  I thought every girl knew how to cook, but I'm learning this is not the case.
• I know how to care for a home. I'd prefer not be the one that has to unclog the sink or toilet, but if I have to I will. 
• I have a green thumb and am very knowledgeable about gardens, landscaping, and drip/sprinkler systems.
• I know how to live a life beyond frugal and am very conscious on how I spend my money, allowing me to live with in my means no matter how meager of a living I make.
• I know how to grind my own grain, make my own bread, and can my own food.
• I am a big planner, which enables me to be very spontaneous and tons of fun. 
• I am adventurous and love to try new things and am also happy sitting at home doing nothing.
• I served a full time mission for my church.
• I am smart, I have a BS degree and have worked in Corporate America. I can be a business women if I need to, but I would also be willing to be a stay at home mom.
• I am very resourceful
• I am very knowledgeable on the computer and spend my days trouble shooting for my boss on the mac.
• I know how to sew and quilt and love making gifts for those I love.

Day 21-A picture of something that makes you happy

Going on crazy adventures 
and
living to tell about them makes me happy

Below is a picture of one outrageous adventure I went on this past Winter.  A friend of mine talked me into going to the top of this mountain and sledding down. There were 2 other guys who trekked up the mountain, but no one else went up with a tube and after flying down the mountian we learned why. We didn't just sled down, we flew down the mountain, getting way too much air and flew out of our tube twice.  I'm happy to say that we survived to tell our story and can't wait to do it again. Next time we're going to distribute our weight differently and hopefully not fly out of our tube again. And maybe it would be a good idea to wear helmets, padding for our chins and just more padding all over.

Flying down the Mountain

I'm not sure if this is a picture of the 1st or 2nd time we flew out of our tube.

Either way when people saw us get back in they were able to breathe a sigh of relief.

Day 20-Someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future

I want to marry "The Perfect Man.”

Who is also “Mr. Wonderful”

Check out Mr. Wonderful's credentials. He been carefully developed with today's modern woman in mind. He is complete with good looks, sense of style, sensitivity, charm, and is genuinely sincere.  Here are a few of the things you will hear him say.

"Thinking of you is the best part of my whole day."

"This evening, let's just lie in bed and talk all night."

"You're perfect just the way you are, I wouldn't change one thing."

“You know honey, why don’t you relax and let me make dinner tonight.”

“The ball game isn’t that important, I’d rather spend time with you.”

"I seem to be lost. I think I'll pull over and ask directions."

You can't tell me this is cop out to answering today's blog post. If you really think about it who doesn't want to be married and or spend their future with one of these guys. No girl in their right mind intentionally marries the jerk, the male chauvinist pig, the alcoholic, or the abusive husband.  We as a society strive to get the biggest and the best or sometimes the smallest and the  best, it all depends on what you are referring to.

Thus I want to marry the best. Now, the best for me may not be the best for you. I do want to Marry The Perfect Man. I see my self being married to The Perfect man. The thing is he is perfect for me. What I want in a spouse may not be what you want in a spouse. And that is ok. This enables us to all be friends as we are not all competing for the same Mr. Wonderful.

So, you may ask what I am looking for in my Mr. Perfect. Here are a few things on my check list.

1. He has to be able to take me to the temple. I'm sorry guys, but that is just the way it has to be this time. I've tried it the other way and I just feel this is what is best for me. So if you love me you will support me in this decision.

2. I've got to be very attracted to him. You don't have to find him attractive and I hope you don't because I don't want to have to worry about you stealing him away from me, but I have to find him totally hot.  I've tried it the other way before, finding a man with a good heart and well it just doesn't work. I need the full package this time and that includes some eye candy as my girlfriend puts it. She is an older women and she just cracks me up in church as she talks about her husband. I hope I am like her when we're older.

3. I need to have a spiritually connection with him. We need to be able to discuss churchy stuff and learn from each other. And we really need to be able to connect on a spiritual level.

4. He's got to have his own friends and support system. I can't be everything to him. He needs guys to out with and hang out with.

5. Doesn't make fun of my singing. I know I can't carry a tune, but I enjoy being able to join in singing in church. And we do a lot of singing in church and I don't want to sit there in silence just to please him. It's just not a very good feeling to have someone laugh at you, roll their eyes, make fun of you and tell you to just mouth the words.

6. Willing to invest time in figuring out what makes me happy and then does those things.  I think this is only fair as this is what I do.

7. Enjoys having people over and being social and encourages me to be social. I want him to encourage me to spend time with my girlfriends. And be willing to take care of the children so I can do this.

8.  Sticks up for me and doesn't let people around me be mean to me in word or deed.

9.  Opens doors

10. Gets along with my family.

11. Loves dancing with me.

12. Has goals in life and works towards them.

13. Attends the temple regularly.

14. I like his family and enjoy spending time with them.

15.  Works continually to better himself.

16.  Can drive safely

17.  Knows how to iron, cook, clean and do laundry.

18. Knows how to budget money and does.

19. Doesn't expect me to be happy all the time. Is empathetic of my being depressed sometimes. Takes my feelings seriously.

20. Goes to the doctor and dentist regularly for check ups. Has health insurance and thinks having health insurance as important.

21. Willing and eager to grown and change with me.

22. Enjoys playing board and card games.

23. Willing and patient so he is able to teach me things.

24. Remembers his own families birthdays

25. Enjoys serving the community.

26. Exercises and takes care of himself.

27. Puts God #1 and me next

28. Plays sports with me and has fun. He can't be too completive because that wouldn't be fun since I'm not that good.

29. Plans ahead for possible problems.

30. Doesn't dress me.

31. Doesn't bring up mistakes I have made in my past and tease me about it or make fun of me.

32. Helps me accomplish my goals.

33. Encourages me to have hobbies and helps me make time for them.

34. Pays his bills on time. Doesn't abuse credit cards.

35. Lives on his own.

36. Helps me to keep the commandments.

37. Goes to church every Sunday, does his callings. 

38. Enjoys the outdoors, enjoys being active.

39. Romantic

40. Initiates conversations. 

Day 19-Nicknames you have and why you have them

My Paternal grandmother used to call me Cookie when I was really little. I don't recall why.

I'm not a fan of nicknames. So please don't shorten my name, that is a sure way to annoy me. Just in case I didn't make that clear if you shorten my name and call me by that, don't be surprised if we aren't friends any more.

Way too much empathy

If you read my last blog post you will recall I was talking about have empathy for others. This got me thinking this morning that maybe I had the following horrific experience so I could experience empathy for someone else.  There just has to be a very good reason as why I had to experience this.

You may have heard of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in relation to men in the military and thought it was a joke.  Well, I can testify it isn’t. It’s very real and not a very fun thing. I experienced it myself after living next to the Neighbor from hell for around 5 years. For five years he threatened my life and was really mean and obnoxious in his words and deeds. I called the police many times on him, but due to I had no proof and it was his word against mine nothing could be done. I regret not getting video surveillance. My husband did go over and talk to him once and he told my husband to beat me, that is what he does and it works.  I also regret not moving. I was so paranoid about money and selling prior to being there for 2 years and then the houses we looked at were a lot more and then I would have to go back to work full time in corporate America we thought it was best to just stay and endure. I now look back and think that was a bad decision.   They finally moved after 5 years. That was 5 years of hell for me. It was horrific. I was afraid to go outside. For the most part I stayed at home with all the doors and windows shut and the house alarm set.  To add to the stress of fearing for my life for 5 years it also caused a big strain on our marriage. My husband at times also ganged up against me with our neighbor and was mad at me on how I landscaped our yard. The reality is even if I didn’t landscape our yard how I did our neighbor would have given us hell. The week we moved in he left an anonymous note on our door chewing us out for something we didn’t even do. So it was pure hatred from the start. We tried to be nice. Invite them over, ect. But, in the end he needed someone to hate and we were the lucky targets.

Prior to my landscaping the back yard the first time I did tons of research and drew out a plan on how it would look and he said he loved it so I did it. Then when it was done he tells me that he never really paid attention to the plan that I showed him and now that he looked at it didn’t like it at all.  Being the new wife I wanted him to live a happy stress free life and to have what ever he wanted. So if he wanted flowers here, and then flowers there the next week. I moved them.  I spent 5 years fearing for my life and trying to get the yard just perfect for my husband.   I gave him a pond, then a bigger pond.

Life wasn’t all bad. I did love working in the yard. The horrific part was after it was all done him not being happy with it and wanting something else. To add to it I have horrible allergies.

Living in fear is one thing, but when the problem is gone you’d think that all would be well in paradise. I should have been able to be able to breath a sigh of relief.  But, I couldn’t. I despised the yard. I hated the yard. I wanted to move to just get away from it all. I wanted to run away from it all.   (And of course there is more to the story. If you followed my other blog you know the pond story.)  The whole situation left me quite traumatized.  I guess I should have dealt with it at the time. I should not have let it persist for 5 years. 5 years of that kind of stress would drive anyone crazy, but I survived at least in a physical senses. I was alive.  Mentally fried, but alive. I never did seek help to recover for the trauma.  I figured it was time to move on. There was nothing I can do to change the past and talking about it just stresses me out so I try my best to forget about it and move on. I next threw my self into serving others.

At this time my Grandmother’s health was deteriorating so I spent a lot of time caring for her. I also had a neighbor that needed my assistance in caring for her son and driving her to her classes.  I am glad I was able to assist them both, but looking back I realize that I need to do things more in moderation and take time for myself. I was so busy serving first my husband, then my grandmother then my neighbor that I neglected myself. 

Some people compare it to a bucket. If you completely drain it you have nothing for yourself and nothing to offer others. Right after my grandmother passed away and after caring for my neighbors son and taking her to her classes for 6 months I lost it. I ran out of steam. I had nothing left to give. And that puts me at 2008 where I returned to the doctor.

I tried to let go of some of my duties and care more for myself, but it wasn’t easy. I was so compelled to serve my husband that instead of being a conscious thing it was a subconscious thing. It was like I was on autopilot. It took me 2 years to slowly wean myself off of him. If you want you can think of my serving my husband and others as an addiction. You try to stop, but you can’t, at times you don’t even notice you are doing it. And as much as you know you are addicted and want to stop you can’t.

I am still working on adjusting to my new life addiction free. I am still trying to juggle everything to create a balanced life for myself. I still haven’t gotten it down, but I’m working on it. With allergy season upon me it’s hard to think straight and I am tired all of the time that it is really hard to fit everything in. I am so unmotivated, lazy, and tired. I want so much to exercise everyday and was hoping to do it in the morning, but I wake up late and exhausted, it takes all I have just to get out of bed and to work. And when I’m driving I have to say I’m not all there. My mind it going all over, thoughts don’t connect. I was driving to work today and couldn’t recall if I took my allergy meds. I can picture myself taking them, but was that today or yesterday, but I swore I forgot to take them yesterday, but now I’m all mixed up and can’t remember.

I’m trying to get back into sewing because I really love it. I also need to figure out how to fit cooking into my schedule. I have food in my freezer that I made, but I’m really sick of it, but just not so motivated to make time to cook some new foods. Good thing my boss brings me lunch lots of time. That makes one less meal I have to worry about.  I am seriously blessed on that front.  It may not be the best meals, but it’s better then the alternative of not eating because then I have issues with my blood sugar dropping and well that is just not good, I get beyond grouchy when that happens.

So here I am trying to piece my life together. Trying to understand myself better so I don’t make the same mistakes I did in my past.  If I can learn from these experiences and come out with an “A” so to speak then these life lessons were well worth it. If I have learned nothing than all this time has been wasted and all of this stress was for null. I also keep in mind that God has a plan for me, he has to, that idea is what keeps me going. Thus if this has been his plan all along then there were lessons I needed to learn. I hope I learned them as I sure don’t want to have to go through that kind of trauma again.  Living in fear of one’s life for a long period of time is not something I wish upon anyone. I also believe that we cross paths with those we do for a reason. I may not ever understand God’s plan, but having faith that everything happens for a reason and it’s all been specially orchestrated by him gives me comfort that I am not doing this all for nothing.

Relatively speaking I am still young and have packed a lot of life lessons into my life so far. Hopefully by my reviewing my life and understanding myself, why I do what I do I take a step up and in the right direction so as the remaining years will be more blissful.  Life will not be with out lessons, I just hope that by going through these experience I have, that I have learned something about me and how I operate so as not to put myself in these situations again where I end up shutting down.

I still really don’t get me. If someone could explain why I do what I do please jump in and explain it to me.  If you have a better grasp of me I could use all the help I can get.  This is what I have come up with so far.

I just fear not understanding me. Not being able to prevent myself from crashing again.  I want so much to be happily and to find my own happily ever after. What ever that may be. 

Day 18-Plans/dreams/goals you have

The ultimate plan and dream is to end my life story with....And she lived happily ever after. Who doesn't have that dream? Don't we all want to live in the house with the white picket fence, dog, husband and 2.5 kids.

That being said and established early in life then I question why am I not there yet? Well, I can answer that for you. My life must be far from over.  If my life were to become a book, that would be the last page. For now I'm just filling in the pages between the beginning, my birth, and the end my death.

Thus being said it still seem that all my goals should lead me toward my ultimate goal, but for some reason it doesn't seem like all my decision are leading me down that path and I wonder why. 

So, I got to thinking what drives me. Some people are driven by money. Other are driven by power. Some flounder in the wind and are driven by culture, what ever that may be. Either pop culture, current trends, or the community they were brought up in. Some people live in a culture rich community filled with traditions and heritage. Most people grow up in a family environment and are molded by their parents and other family members. Some grow up with strong ties to a church and are molded by what the church teaches it's members. 

I grew up in a loving family consisting of two parents that want the world for me. They engrained in to me many things over the years. I also grew up in a church which gave me structure and taught me what to do so I will be happy.

I was provided with the knowledge of how to achieve my ultimate goal of ... happily every after. I had a whole support system to cheer me on. If that was the case then why haven't I always been living the life? I believe there has been one thing that continually gets in my way and that is my battle with mental illness.  And not being aware of this battle and not having the keys to work with it. In addition I also suffered from allergies. Allergies alone can make one quite loopy. Let me first discuss my battle with allergies. I am right now in the mists of allergy season so if I appear to be rambling and going on tangents I wish you luck on being able to follow it. If my blogs don't make sense please try to be understanding. And if you don't see many blogs it's because I spend a great deal of time sleeping and my brain isn't quite functioning enough to get all the thoughts down on paper. Also I know I'm not all here and don't want to say anything too rash.

I suffer from allergies year round. I am on allergy medication year round. This has been my life since a little girl. To protect me as a child my mom kept me indoors during the worst of the allergy season. As a kid you don't make many crucial decisions in your life so I wasn't totally aware of how allergies affected me other then I spent lots of time indoors and had a runny nose a lot.  As I've gotten older. I have come to realize that during the worst of allergy season (Spring & Fall) the elevator doesn't go all the way up.  My brain doesn't functions at it should. Thoughts go in and out of my head and things go in tangents.  Before I finish one thought another comes into my head and the first is totally forgotten.  I'm tired all of the time, no matter how much sleep I get and even thought I don't really take more medication during allergy season then I do during the rest of the year. If you happen to talk to me you may think I'm all doped up on something. Thus allergy season is not a time to make any big decisions, purchases, or operate machinery.  Unfortunately I don't realize when it's allergy season all the time.  It's not like it's the same day every year. The weather continues to change and thus the plants bloom at different times every year. In addition it creeps up on me. It's kind of like PMS, but it lasts longer.  I guess I should also add I also suffer from really bad PMS and since my cycles have no schedule I have no clue that it's really PMS and not me so add that to the mix. 

I know that many criminals try to plead insanity to get out of paying the price for their crimes. I am not trying to do that here. I have paid dearly for the decisions I have made and have to believe that everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan for me. I don't know what all those reason are. 

In this last week I have come to realize that I am thankful for some experiences I have had because I now have true empathy for those I love.  Sympathy is good, but being able to have empathy for someone you really love, to be able to feel there pain, can really bring you closer on a whole other level.  Even thought I am thankful for the ability to feel empathy I am still confused as why I had to go through these trials. Was it really God's plan all along so I can feel this empathy? That just seems odd to me that he would want me to go down that path, to go against his rules just so in the end I can feel this empathy.  That just seems to go against all I was taught as a kid. All I can say is God works in mysterious ways. I don't think we will ever truly understand him and his reasoning behind what he does.

Not all of the experiences I have gone thorough are due to my bad decisions. I think back to this one experience I had on my mission. It was scary and it was not caused by anything that I did wrong, but if I hadn't had that experience I would never be able to really relate and emphasize with this one friend I had. The thing is it is a very unique experience that very few have had and it is impossible to really understand someone who has had it unless you have had it yourself. 

I was first aware that I suffer with depression back in high school. When I realize this I went to my doctor and requested assistance, but didn't get the help I needed. Thus I suffered with depression for many years alone. In turn that caused me to have no self worth and to see life thought dark colored glasses. And due to that perspective of the world I made the choices that I did. The sad thing is I never had and friends that I felt like I could talk to about what was going on in my head. Thus I spent many years feeling all alone, like I was the only one who felt these things. It wasn't till 2009 that I finally felt comfortable enough to open up and have found others that can relate to me and finally I don't feel so alone. Over the years I did have moments when I opened up to people, but it never lasted long enough that I was able to get over feeling so alone. I am thankful that I finally have the support system that I need to come out of my shell and ask for help when I need it.

The second time it came to my attention that I suffer from mental illness was on my mission. Of course I didn't realize I was having problems or suffering from depression until I was already quite gone mentally.  That continues to be a problem for me. I don't notice I have am suffering for depression till it's been going on for a very long time, it can be months or years and then when I hit rock bottom it finally dawns on me and I think "I have a problem and they have doctors for this." And that is when I go seek outside help.  It came to that point on my mission. I felt was quite suicidal so I alerted the Mission President and he immediately got me help.  I was diagnosed with a Chemical Imbalance that led me to be depressed. I came home from my mission and saw doctor after doctor each with a different diagnoses.  Some thought it was Anxiety Depression, others thought it was Bi-Polar II. Anyway I was put on a variety of meds, but never found the right one or correct dosage. With a mixture of meds and therapy you would of thought it would do the trick, but it didn’t.  Or maybe it did, I guess it all depends on how you look at it. I was still alive. I bounced in and out of therapy over the years and went on and off meds. Hoping that some combination of the two would be the cure. I look back now and realize that the life choices I made during those years were more about survival then about getting to my end goal of .. and she lived happily every after.

Then in 2002 or there about I was sick of not being happy and willing to give therapy and meds another try so I went back to the doctor.  The never got the meds right, but I was sick of trying different meds and dosages that I just gave up and stuck with what I was on even though I knew it wasn’t working.  I figured it was better then nothing. I was also in therapy at the time. I did that for a couple of years I think. I can’t really recall and think I stopped due to my boss was getting upset that I was missing so much work and my insurance ran out.

Then in 2008 I was sick of not being happy and willing to give therapy and meds another try so I went back to the doctor.  I have had so much unsuccessful with both and trying to regulate meds is such a hassle that I really hate doing it unless I’m at the end of my ropes. I tried out a myriad of new meds, and instead of private therapy my doctor suggested taking classes offered through the hospital. At this time Kaiser was trying out a new type of therapy or theory to helping people overcome depression and anxiety called the Psychology of happiness. Instead of focusing on what makes you miserable it focuses on changing your way of thinking and helps you focus on things that make people happy. 

In 2009 I decided to get off my meds because I realized that they caused me to always be mildly depressed. Instead of living my life on a roller coaster, which I’ve always hated, I was always on a low. I realized that I rather be on a roller coaster where I am sure to have great ups then always be living in the downs.  Let’s just say getting off the meds with the help of a doctor was an adventure that I don’t wish upon anyone. Well after being off the meds, things have been much better. I still have my ups and downs and I still get depressed, but it isn’t as bad as it has been in the past and doesn’t last as long. And with the assistance of those classes and reading Happiness Now by Robert Holden and going through all the exercises I am in a much better place. In my prior blog I went though each exercise and blogged about it. I recommend this book to anyone that suffers from depression. It really helped me changed my way of thinking.  For once I think it worked. At least I feel like it was much more effective then all the years of individual therapy.

So that puts me at today. Off meds and on my own. I am much happier then I have been in years. At the same time I still have my ups and downs.  And I realize that I suffered with a bout of depression during the final stages of my marriage as I was going through my divorce. I wasn’t suicidal or anything and I didn’t realize it till now, but due to all the stress I was really not myself. I wasn’t thinking straight as I lived my life in limbo for over a year. Not quite married, but not quite divorced. I did what I did out of survival. There is fight or flight mode and then there is survival mode. We do all we can just to get through the day. The choices we make may not be the best but in the end we are alive and that is what we have to show.  You many not understand unless you have been there, but that is what it is. So I regret some of the choices I made, but I can’t take them back. What I can say is they made me who I am and I have faith in God that everything happens for a reason. With out those experiences I wouldn’t be who I am. And on that note I say: “Look at me Now.” I turned out quite well for all that I have gone through and endured in my time.

And from here we move on.

I hope that I am back on the path so I can end my life story with… and she lived happily ever after.

Day 17-Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

I would like to switch lives with my Mom. This way I'd be able to understand her better. I know she loves me and would do anything in the world to make me happy, but I don't really understand why she does or says what she says.

Day 15-Put your ipod or shuffle on-first 10 songs that play

I don't have any songs on my ipod. I actually didn't inherit one till a few years ago when my boss upgraded. He offered me his old one several times, but I kept turning him down because I am not one to listen to music. Then my girlfriend told me you can load books on to them and hook them up to the car stereo. Well I tried it but it was just too complicated for me. Unlike cd's when you turn off the car they automatically stopped, the ipod keeps playing unless you hit pause. In addition I kept accidentally hitting shuffle and listening to a book on shuffle just isn't any fun. The other thing I didn't like was the sound wasn't that great with the adaptor.

So that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Day 14-'A picture of you and your family

Christmas 2010

Day 13-A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Dear Friend,

Let me start off with the preface is I am not the same person I was yesterday, last week, last month, last year, or 7 years ago.  Life has thrown me many curve balls and I have grown, matured, and over the years have altered my ways of thinking. As you have realized all of us have grown up in different families and different environments. We have learned many valuable lessons as children and many things have been engrained into our minds as this is way things should be done.   

I was taught as a child to be quick to forgive, forget, and not to hold a grudge.  This is a very noble thing to do and I commend those that do it. Unfortunately I had mastered this trait all too well and in the end I believe it caused me undue pain in my life. I am not sure if pain in the right word, but it caused me be in a bad situation longer then necessary.  Some of you know exactly what I am referring to and others of you may feel like lost and are unable to see where this is going. What I am referring to is the things I put up with my ex-husband.  I think my being so quick to forgive and forget prevented me from either putting my foot down and refusing to let him continue his behavior or it prevented me from getting out of the situation earlier.

The moral of the story is I am no longer so quick to forgive and forget.  So, don't be offended when you say "I'm sorry" and I don't say "it's ok," because unless it's a minor incident it's probably not ok. And why should I lie to you and tell you "it's ok" when it's really not?  Lying won't help either of us. I'm very hurt by what you did or said. You have really wounded me. Compare you hurting me and saying "I'm sorry" to a mother who's child comes to them with a bleeding finger.  All they can do is wash the wound and put a bandaid on it. They can also kiss away the tears and sooth the child, but they are no angel and are unable to heal the physical wound immediately. It will take time to heal the flesh wound.  So as much as I want to really believe you and accept your forgiveness I can't immediately. It will take time.  I have learned the hard way that for some "I'm sorry" is more of a automatic response then a heart felt acknowledgement that you have wronged a person and have vowed to make the necessary changes to really be sorry for your actions.

I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that you didn't come into my life earlier, at a time when I was able to accept an apology at the drop of a hat.  It wasn't so long ago that I would have jumped at the opportunity to welcome you back to the fold with open arms. Now I'm a bit skeptical. But, don't feel bad. This can be a good thing.  This will get you really to think about what you do and say before you do it knowing that it's not so easy to get back into my good graces. Maybe this will make you a better person.  There always has to an upside to everything.  And it's not like I will never forgive it will just take time. (Think about it like repentance. See Isaiah 1:18 "....though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.") It may be a longer journey then you expected, but on the other hand if you didn't do/say what you did you wouldn't be in this predicament, now would you?

So, be patient with me and I will be patient with you.

Remember I love you.

Love,

Me

Day 12-How you found out about blogger and why you have one

On July 4, 2007 my boss's sister suffered from a stoke. He has a huge family and in order to keep everyone abreast of what was going on he started a blog. His original profession was that of a contractor and did really well running his own business. While still a young man he retired and became an artist and Gallery Owner. Since his sister's stroke he has slowly transitioned into family historian.  Along with his transition my job has also evolved. I started out helping him around his studio and modeling for his art classes. Over time my job has evolved into full time personal assistant. I spend most of my time sorting out and organizing family pictures and helping him put together family histories.

Back to using blogger. As my boss had more and more questions and desiring to do more fancy things to his blog I in turn started my own blog as a way to test out how to do things.  With his encouragement I eventually started my own blog. Since then I have created several blogs. My Aunt and Uncle live on the East Coast so as a way to help them involved in my life I started a picture blog where I would post daily pictures of our house, garden, and things that were going on in our lives. I spent a lot of time and put a lot of effort making sure I kept the blog up to date. It wasn't till years later that my Aunt told me that she never looked at my blog. That was a very rude awaking in my life to find out that all these years I had been doing this for her and she wasn't even looking at it. That is my extended family for you. Some are true gems and other are well... I won't go there.  At the same time my marriage was coming to an end so I discontinued updating that blog.  I  guess that was good timing all around.

At about that time I started another blog about how life really was, not just the happy family Christmas letter type of blog where every one is happy and life is perfect, but a blog telling how things really were as a wife. I kept that blog going for a couple of years till the marriage came to an end.

Now I have this new blog that you are reading now.  My life has taken many unexpected twists and turns.  Every adventure a learning experience. I love blogging. I love being able to talk through my adventures with a team of trained experts to help me along the way.  Thank you for all of your support and advice. 

Day 11-A picture of you and friends you have had over 10 years

Billy is a friend from Jr. High. Him and his wife Kellie visited me in 2009.

Erica and I met back in 2001 when I worked at Waste Management.

My friend Jenny and I finally reconnected after many yrs.
We finally got over being young and dumb.

To my other friends, I'm sorry that your pictures didn't get posted, but I was limited to what pictures I could find on my laptop. I really feel bad that I didn't post a picture of my friend Stephanie and myself.  I looked and looked through my computer and couldn't find any pictures of just us.  I know we took tons of pictures together as we did all those fun runs and camping, but that was prior to the digital age. I admit it I was slow to switch over to a digital camera. It's not that it really was that long ago. I just loved my film camera.

Day 10-Songs you listen to when you're bored, happy, sad, mad, hyped

This is a really lame post since I'm not a big music person. I flip between 3 radio stations in my car depending on the songs they are playing and commercials. I listen to 100.5(current music minis rap), 101.9(pop/country music) and some christian rock station, you can tell I'm really into it when I can't remember the station.

Day 9-Something you're proud of in the past few days

I am a real push over. If asked to give a helping hand I will usually drop all I am doing to help a friend in need even if it's at the expense of my own well being. That is just the type of person I am. I am a real problem solver and easily guilted into doing things because I feel sorry for the person.  I rarely go back on my word, if I promise to do something 99.9% of the time I follow through. 

So, here's the story. Next week my ex will be out of town and I am scheduled to stay at the house and watch the dogs. This was arranged a few months back.  I text him yesterday to firm up the details. He's leaving Saturday Night so I'll be arriving Sunday and all should be well.  Then he informs me that by the way I'm leaving my car in the garage so you will have to park in the driveway.  You may think this is quite normal, but for us. We've always been able to fit two cars in the garage. So, I inquire into what happened. He tells me that "I have to do some rearranging for my project.  Eventually I will fix it so two will fit again, this is just temporary." To you this may not seem like anything unusual, but to me this is a red flag. I recall about a month back I went over to pick up my dog and he said not to go through the garage because of a project he was working on. So, I didn't and that was that.  I'm not a curious person. I know that curiosity killed the cat so, if someone says don't look, or don't touch I don't.  Then I recalled talking to him about the same time and he made a joke about while I was house sitting I would need to also water his pot plants. I seriously thought this was a joke and just laughed it off.  Just to let you know I'm not as dumb as I look so I  put two and two together and ask him if he was joking about me watering his pot plants.  To my shock he says "Nope, otherwise they will not be happy. It's no big deal. I'll write out what to do. Please, otherwise I have to get a friend to do it." 

So, here I am in total shock that my ex is growing pot in the house. I text him back and tell him "I can't do this. Can you find someone else to house sit? I thought you were joking." At this time he also informs me that he got a card so it's legal at the house.  As if that is going to make me feel better?  I know how those prescriptions work they are just like having a service dog. They are for a specific person not a house, so I am not covered under that so, "No," that doesn't make me feel any better. I know I live in Sacramento and we are a pot loving, selling, smoking, eating, drinking, and 360 friendly community, but I am not one of their supporters. As long as they keep to themselves and don't infringe on my lifestyle I won't infringe on theirs. He responds back with "Ohh jeez. Really!!! I'm so sorry didn't mean to upset you. I may just move them out of the house will let you know.  That was another option to not burden you with all of this."  That was the conversations that transpired yesterday morning.  So I stressed about it all day, what if he had someone else come in and take care of them? What if he moved them all to the garage? I felt really bad about wanting to back out of housesitting since I promised to do it and it's for a whole week and it really is an inconvenience to have a friend to come over every day twice a day to care for the dogs.

I feel responsible to take care of the dogs since one of them is mine and I'm kind of storing her at the house till I have a place where I can really take care of her. She could come and stay with me at my apartment, but it just seems like it would be stressful to have a dog living with me in an apartment. And her purpose in life is to reduce stress so I think that would be counter productive. So, with that in mind I want to keep peace with my ex so he will keep caring for her for me.

Just to give you some additional background to my life at the moment. I'm not feeling so hot. I have a cold, I'm really tired, my allergies are killing me and there is a good possibility I'm extra moody due to PMS.  Thus, I keep thinking that maybe it isn't a big deal and maybe I'm making it out to be worse then it really is and causing myself undue stress. To add to my stress mid-day a friend of mine starts up a deep conversation via chat which makes me feel even worse. And don't forget yesterday was Thursday so I'm also at work and trying my best to focus and get my work done. 

After stressing all day and since my ex didn't get back to me as to whether or not he is going to move the plants. I figure I better get back to him. I would hate to assume he found someone else and he assumed I would be there and then the dogs would be alone for a week. That would be horrible. 

This is what I came up with "I've thought about it and unless the pot plants are off the premises I can't dog sit. I'm sorry for the short notice, but I had no idea you were serious. It never dawned on my that you would take up pot growing as a hobby.  Hopefully you can find someone who can do both. If you can't find anyone then I can pick up Belle and maybe you can take Taco to your Mom's house."

He texted me back "It's ok. I have taken care of it. Adam is staying this weekend and next, and Bill said he would come by during the week. I completely understand you not wanting to be over. Yea, a hobby I can sign off my bucket list. Probably won't last very long, you know me and gardening we shall see. If I ditch them I will let you know."

Well, I have to say that turned out much better then expected. I was afraid he'd be mad since I backed out last minute. 

I have to say I am very proud of myself for not caving in.  These past few years I have learned a lot of valuable lessons. Learning to say "No" has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. I may not have perfected it, but I'm getting better at saying "No" and better at getting up and walking away for uncomfortable situations. I really amaze myself sometimes. 

Day 8-Goals/things to accomplish in the next 30 days or less

1. Exercise 4 times a week.
2. Read the Ensign or Scriptures everyday/night
3. Cut out Fabric for my sewing Retreat by April 14th
4. Get My girlfriend's Wedding Video onto my laptop- Done. (When I took the video I had no idea how difficult it would be to get Mini DV on to a computer. After trying a ton of different cables, a few different programs, and 4 computers later I finally managed to pull the footage off the camera. YEA!! Now to edit it.)
5. Blog Mon-Fri
6. Figure out how I'm going to get home from LA after trip to Scotland.

Day 7-A picture of someone that has the biggest impact on you

This post is asking me to choose someone that has had the biggest impact of my life. A lot of people have influenced my life and made me who I am today.  I am so thankful to have many wonderful friends and family members that have helped mold me into the me of today and who continue to assist in helping me in my quest to be a better person.  Thus it is hard to choose just one person.

If I have to choose just one person I would choose a missionary I met at the MTC (Missionary Training Center). To the left is a picture of us at the MTC.

Through our interactions I learned a couple of important lessons. First, I learned that I wanted to have a spiritual relationship with the person I marry. Unfortunately I forgot this, but after a miraculous reunion 13 years later he remind me of this. The second lesson was actually taught to me by his daughter after we reconnected 13 years later.  She taught me that I need to enjoy life and stop rushing through it.  For some reason I am always so focused on getting things accomplished that I forget to take time to smell the roses.  She taught me that there is more to life then just checking things off a list. This helped me reevaluate having children. Now I can see that having children in my life can be a blessing.