Every set back is a set up for a come back.

I’m trying so hard to look at the big picture, but it hasn’t been easy these last few days.  So, much is going on right now my body is in emotional overload.

On Friday I as informed that my divorce paperwork has finally been processed and now all I have left to do is wait till May 17, 2012 for the divorce to be finalized.  That is 2 months, 3 weeks, and 4 days.  You’d think I’d be happy or feel some sense of relief, but my overall state of being overwhelmed has taken over. I’m glad to have everything finally done; it’s just been an ordeal and expensive.  If only it would be all over on May 17^th. The reality is it will never be over.  What he did to me will stay with me for life. Some day it will be a distant memory, but for now it is an open wound.  It’s still even hard for me to grasp that I was abused. I still don’t fully understand that. It’s so much easier to label an abuse victim when you see the black eye, the broken arm or the bruises. There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that they were abused.  But someone suffers from emotional abuse, there are no open wounds, no visual scars, it’s only one person’s word against another.  And due to the abuser brain washers the victim, the victim doubts that they were ever abused. If someone is told that it’s their fault for so long they will believe it. They will believe they were the one in the wrong. Abusers are all about needing to feel like they are in power and they are very manipulative.   So, here I am wondering if I was ever really abused, but then I go to these classes at WEAVE and they make it so obvious, that yes, indeed I was abused.  Sadly my classes at WEAVE end this Thursday, hopefully I can remember all that I learned and not second guess and doubt myself so much.  My biggest fear is that I get blinded again by the obvious and end up in yet another abusive relationship.  Looking back I can see some of the signs, but they weren’t so obvious as I doubt anyone would knowingly get into an abusive relationship.  So, my fear continues I just hope and pray that I don’t fall into another abusive relationship. I try my best to live with the attitude that everything happens for a reason. We cross paths with everyone we do because someone needs to learn a lesson. But it’s hard to understand fully God’s plan for it all as I can’t believe he would want his children hurt at the same time he has sent us down to earth to learn and grow. So then I wonder if I could have learned these lessons another way or did I need to go through all of this to get to where I am today?  I am one of those people who have little patience and want result now. Thus I may do things the hard way because they give the quickest results, and I live with the no pain no gain theory. That is what I’m doing with my allergy shots. I could get one set of shots a week and I would be up to my full dosage in 20 weeks or 5 months. Instead I’ve decided to double up and get it done in 10 wks.  Which has resulted in constant itching, being uncomfortable, constant headaches, tired all of the time(due to the Benadryl) and being irritable all of the time.  I’m crossing my fingers that the shots are effective and when I get to the full dosage on March 19^th that things will smooth out. I used to be cold all of the time. Now I’m running around the house in a tank top and no slippers and ice packs.

I try to look at the positive. If it weren’t for Randy I wouldn’t have met the nutritionist, got tested for my thyroid and food allergies, wouldn’t have been directed to WEAVE, and wouldn’t have started talking to Josh again and taken up snowboarding and met my roommate.  Which lead me to where I am today.  So maybe the 5+ months of abuse provided me with a lifetime of good.  It’s hard to believe that this was God’s plan, but maybe it’s all for the greater good. What doesn’t kill us makes me stronger.  Maybe we need to always look at the big picture. Like with my job. I got notice last Monday that I was being laid off. He just can’t afford to keep me on anymore. It took a week for it to really settle in by this weekend the reality of I need to find a new job finally hit me, leaving me feeling quite down.  My job has been the one constant in my life this past year. I may have moved 4 times and I may take a different route to work everyday, but I still end up at the same place. Now that is changing. Earlier this year my roommate finally convinced me to look for a job with the state and I have been working on that.  I was a bit worried about leaving my boss so that fear is gone, but at the same time I’m not ready to leave. I know my job isn’t that great. I don’t get paid my worth, I don’t have benefits, or a retirement plan, but it’s been working for me. It gives me just enough to get by and if I scrimp and save enough and am extra frugal it can grant me a little extra so I can have those small luxuries in life such as taking myself on a trip or two.  I was really looking forward to beginning to start saving again in March, now that I’m done paying my taxes, divorce fees, and lawyer fees.  But now with my job disappearing that doesn’t seem like the case. So, here I am mourning the loss of the life I should be having right now, the life I was promised just 9 months ago. Randy said I wouldn’t have to work if I didn’t want to, I could spend time working on my book, and we could start a family.  All that was stripped away from me less then a week after he made the promise. I held on a long time hoping and dreaming it would still happen, that he’d snap out of it and be the man he promised, but as you can see that was not the case. So, I bargained with myself and traded all that with traveling to Thailand with Julia this fall.  I did some budgeting and figured that starting with my next paycheck I could start saving for that trip.  Sadly that doesn’t seem to be panning out either. I just keep making plans after plans and nothing seems to go as planned.  Now I need to scramble and find another job not so I can fund my next trip, but so I can just live from day to day. That just doesn’t seem fair. I deserve a break.  When is it my time to have it all.

I have to laugh as I look back to just a little over a month ago I was wondering if I was giving up what I wanted most for what I want now.  That seems so insignificant now as “What I want” doesn’t seem to matter anymore. I feel like a plastic maker on the game Chutes and Ladders. I wonder how many more shoots I have to fall down before I make it to square 100.  We all see the goal, the prize and are all rushing to make it there. Some people get the long ladder in square 28 that takes you all the way to square 84. Others of us keep hitting the chutes.  I feel at times like I got the short end of the stick. I worked so hard and made it all the way to square 87 then I hit the chute and got sent back to square 24.  I thought I was so close, but the reality was it was only a mirage. It was never the real thing. I hope and pray that the classes I took at WEAVE will sink in and stay fresh in my mind so I won’t get caught up in another Mirage.

You may wonder if I’m obsessed with traveling and if that is top on my bucket list. The answer is no. What I want most no amount of money can buy, but till I can get that I will settle for what money can buy. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can reduce stress, as we all need it to provide us with food & shelter and it can also give you something to do to distract you/or entertain you while you are working towards greater goals in life.  

Thus said now you can see how my getting laid off is just the icing on the cake. Not only am I not living the life I was promised back in May, I am not even getting to live the life I bargained for.  So here I am trying to figure out what to do next. I am not ready to let go of my trip to Thailand with Julia as I just had to give up my happily ever after. So I’m going to fight to have my second choice. Which is pretty sad as I know I can still get what I want most and need to let go and not be so hung up on what I didn’t get on my timeline.  Because I do know in the back of my mind that everything happens for a reason and God must have a much better plan for me. As every set back is a set up for a come back.  So here I come. I wish I could feel it. For now it’s only logics and words. Hopefully I’ll be able to really believe it soon.

Happy Valentines Day!

I have to say I have the sweetest roommate ever.  This is what I found in the kitchen this morning.  It was a very sweet surprise and a great way to start a very long day.  And it gives me something to look forward to tonight.  Up on the menu tonight is BBQ/Smoked Steak and Lobster Tail. I can’t wait till 5pm.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I got my divorce paperwork returned to me yet, again. I have this feeling they are in cahoots with the USPS system to get more money out of us.  I seriously see why people give up on getting divorced and just live separate lives. This is so frustrating. With in a day I get one paper sent to me saying they corrected their mistake and the next day I get the remaining paperwork telling me that they are missing the paper they sent me the day previously.  I appreciate that so many people are working on my case, but I’d appreciate it if they’d communicate just a little more.  I guess it’s a good thing that I don’t give up that easily.  It will get done one of these days.

To add to my frustration I still itch like crazy due to my allergy shots. I guess it’s a good thing that my boss kept me busy yesterday and today as I haven’t had time to get my next allergy shot.  It looks like I’ll only be able to get one this week on Thursday or Friday. Maybe it’s for the best.

And if things couldn’t get more stressful, my boss informs me last Friday that he’s isn’t going to be able to afford to keep me on. I have no idea when my last day is, but it can be any day.  I’ve been working on getting hired on with the state, but I had no idea that my current job would be ending so soon. This sure puts a wrench in things and is really stressing me out.  I haven’t needed to find a job for the last 10 years, now the pressure is really on. Before I just made money to fund our vacations and now I need to get a job to cover my every day expenses.

Just to add to things, I now am officially overwhelmed. To add to it I’m dealing with PMS at the moment so if everything didn’t already cause me to be overwhelmed and emotional I’ve got extra hormones running wild through my body that would put any normal day a little over the top.

If you don’t mind I think I’ll just sit around and cry for a while. Good thing I have a supportive roommate that is doing his best to keep me grounded and helping me apply for state jobs and take the state tests.

Looking Forward

“You can’t change what has already happened so choose to look ahead instead of behind you.” Joel Osteen. That is so much easier said then done.

I’m still kind of feeling annoyed about the events that transpired the other night. My roommate assured me that he was right upstairs and was listening. He said there was no way he was going to suggest we take our conversation in the other room, because the only other private rooms would be the bedrooms and he wasn’t going to let that happen, so he figured to be a polite host he would leave the room. On the other hand he wasn’t going to sit by idly either. He said he was upstairs checking his email he turned off the air purifiers and music and was ready to run downstairs if he heard me calling or screaming. I feel a little better. In the end he promised to never let it happen again. Even if I am unable to speak up he promises next time that he will speak in my behalf and not let me get in another awkward situation.

Looking forward. I’m about done with my classes at WEAVE. It’s hard to believe that I’ve been going for 13 weeks so far. Time really flies. Going to the classes has been a good experience and I’ll miss them when I’m done. They constantly remind me that I’m not crazy, I didn’t do anything wrong, and I was abused in more way then I realized. They helped me to look forward to a brighter healthier future. They taught me skills that I have implemented into my own life and hope to implement into my future families lives.  I’ve realized that I forget a lot so classes like these are good for me they help me to remember those important things.

I’m not only looking forward. I’m moving forward with my life.  I’m not sitting around holding my breath and waiting, I’m moving on. It’s hard to believe that I’ve been at my new place for over 2 months now. I love my new place. I love the energy and spirit it has within. I feel safe and at peace there and I finally look forward to going home. That is new and exciting for me. I felt this same way when I was single in my own.

I have had some up and downs this last month with my health and I’ve put my body through a lot, but hopefully I’ll be done taking a toll on my body soon. It’s hard to believe that I only started allergy shots 16 days ago and in that time I’ve had 20 shots.  I’m quickly moving ahead and will achieve the full dosage by March 16^th if all goes as planned. And during that time I will have 20 more shots.  This will be a true test on my body as this last week hasn’t gone so well, so I eagerly look forward to the end of March and hope for some real relief by then. I figure I can endure all of this pain that I have put my body through because the long-term results are worth it. 

Benadryl got my tongue

I try to live my life with no regrets. But, it doesn’t always work that way. I am also trying to be more assertive, but sometimes life circumstances take over and catches you off guard. Like last night for instance.  I’m learning that Benadryl not only affects one’s ability to operate large machinery, but also affects one’s ability to be assertive.

Last week a gentleman from church called me and asked if he could come over. I told him sure as I figured it was someone in a leadership position wanting to come over, meet me and welcome me into the church as I just moved here.  Prior to him coming over my roommate asked me if I wanted him to disappear when he came and I said no.  I have nothing to hide and thought it would be good for my roommate to see in action how my church operates.

Last night about 8:30pm the gentlemen from church comes over dressed all-nice in a suit and I’m in a t-shirt and sweats with an ice pack as I’m still itching like crazy.  In addition I’m only half with it as I just took yet, another Benadryl due to the swelling and itching.

I sit on the loveseat and invite him to sit in the chair and my roommate offers him something to drink, then proceeds to the computer to check his e-mail. The gentleman asks if we can talk privately and my roommate offers to go upstairs.  I wanted to say “NO, that this works for me,” but for some reason the cat got my tongue and I just let things proceed.  It was horrible. I felt so awkward and uncomfortable as I didn’t know this guy at all. I was trying to be polite and chat, but all I could think was just get to you point and go.  He stared off asking the normal questions, where did you move from, did you grow up in the church, but then he starting asking about my roommate. Were we just platonic roommates, did I pay rent, did I find him attractive?  Now, that is just going too far. I regret not telling him that he was out of line. But, I was just in shock as his questions escalated to inappropriate to very inappropriate and way over the line.  Who is he to ask these questions t? I don’t even know him and it’s none of his business. He told me on the phone that he wanted to talk to me about a calling in the church and these questions do not in anyway effect my ability to do the calling he asked me to do.  I am used to the questions of how are your prayers and your scripture study and your relationship with God. Those are normal Home Teacher questions and I am good with that. He did ask these to and I told him it’s good. Maybe I should have gone into greater detail and said: I have an amazing relationship with God.  I feel his love for me everyday of my life. I feel his promptings and sadly last night I didn’t heed to them, as I should have.  I should have followed God’s promptings and told the gentleman that no, we cannot go somewhere private and to my roommate please stay. I need to work harder on being more God fearing then man fearing and speak up for myself.  I did tell my roommate that he asked these questions too, and my roommate asked me if I told him we were reading the scriptures together the other night and we Wikipedia Mormon and now my roommate knows that Mormon isn’t just the nickname of the church, but he’s an actual person.  My roommate said he would have been impressed.  

The gentleman from church later went on to say that I am going through one of the toughest things someone has to go through in life, in reference to my divorce; he also said he’s never experience. And he said even thought I put on a happy face I must be in pain. I told him I was just glad to get away from the abuse. I think he shouldn’t have said anything, as he has no idea what I’m going through. He has no idea what it is like to be abused by the person who swore just months earlier on your wedding day to love and cherish you and to take care of you in sickness and in health.  Getting divorced is expensive and frustrating, but all in all it’s the easy part, living in hell and fearing for your life, now that is the tough part.

Because I’m a loving, forgiving, and understanding person I will give this gentleman the benefit of the doubt that he was just ignorant and maybe new at his calling and didn’t know what was appropriate and inappropriate to say to someone in my circumstances. Either way I am not going to take this lying down. I refused to be walked over anymore. I have a voice and I choose to use it. I do as my roommate suggested this morning and talk to someone at church so they can inform the bishop and then he can this guy that he was out of line and this way I can prevent another women from feeling uncomfortable.

And in the future my roommate knows not to leave me alone with any men even if they show up in a suit and are from my church and even if they request it so hopefully this will never happen again.  And sorry to the people who were going to be my home teachers, but after this experience I think I’ll pass. 

Finally being taken care of

I have to say I have the best roommate ever. Yesterday I was driving home about ready to burst into tears because I’m sick and tired of itching.  For the past month it’s been one physically ailment after another and I just can’t take it any longer. Since the night before my arm has been itching me like crazy. I’ve taken a ton Benadryl, but that isn’t even working.  By the time I walked in the door I had had it.  I came in dropped my stuff down and plopped myself in my roommates computer chair with an ice pack and just sat there ready to cry.

He had just walked in minutes before me and could see by the look on my face and my actions that I wasn’t happy. He came over and put a blanket on me and proceeded to make dinner and chat with me about his day.  Between him distracting me and the ice pack numbing my arm I finally calmed down and was feeling much better in a half hour or so.  (After 15+hrs of feeling miserable I was finally feeling a little relief. )

I have to say I was really impressed by my roommate. He totally changed his usual routine with not even a grumble to cater to my needs last night.   He usually has a ridged routine of coming home, changing his clothing, checking his e-mail and then once that is all done he’s ready to be social and we make dinner together.  Last night he walked in the house a minute before me and with out hesitation catered to me, not doing a single thing on his normal routine.  I have to say I feel so blessed to have him as my roommate.