Meet Goal THEN receive reward

Those of you with kids think this is so obvious. And it is, but when it comes to ourselves, sometimes we jump the gun and reward ourselves because we know we will meet our goals.  I found out the hard way.

I’ve been counting down till May 17^th (The Day my divorce was final) for the last 6 months, stressing when the courts returned my paperwork, being frustrated that I had to twist my ex’s arm to get some of the paperwork and waiting and anticipating. I figure to make it not so painful and to help me to focus on the bright side I’d buy myself something from Tiffany’s when it was all over.

3wks before the 17^th I was getting excited as it was almost here. It was also my 1^st weekend since Feb that I wasn’t getting an allergy shot and I was finally feeling good and able to fully enjoy my weekend. This was something to celebrate in itself.

My 1^st stop was to get a massage. Next I got my hair done.  I’ve wanted to get a new perm for a long time, but due to my skin being so sensitive due to the allergy shots I’ve had to put it off.  Next stop was Tiffany’s. I figured I’d take a peek and figure out what I wanted to get.  Trying to be cost efficient I ended up purchasing it then and there due to the store is 45 minutes away and I thought it would be a waste to just drive back 3 wks later to make the purchase.  I had an amazing weekend.

When May 17^th finally rolled around… It didn’t go quite as planned.  It was quite a let down.  Looking back I realize it was a mistake to jump the gun and buy the thing that I’ve been waiting 6 months for.  Maybe if I had I wouldn’t have spent the day (and few days before) focusing on everything I lost.  Instead I would have been looking forward to the day with excitement and enthusiasm as I was finally going to get the Tiffany necklace that I’ve been coveting. And the day of, I would have been able to physically hold in my hand something tangible, something that symbolized all I had overcome, all I had endured and a window into the future of all I have to look forward to.

In hindsight I wish I had taken the day off or at least after work drive to Tiffany’s and gotten the necklace.  This way the day would have ended with me glowing as I reflected upon the amazing person I have become like I did that weekend when I bought it 3 wks earlier.

This is best chalked up to Lesson learned. 

Today is the Day

Today is the day.  It's almost like turing 16, 18, 21, or 30, you think you should feel different, but you don't. In reality it's just another day.

Which is quite frustrating as I've been counting down till today for the last 6 months.  There should be fireworks or something.

The reality is all today is a date that is stamped on a piece of paper that says I am now divorced.  Just because today is here it doesn't mean that I'm going to get back the time wasted, the money I invested, and the wounds just don't go away because the divorce is official. 

The reality is the only thing this little paper dictated was my ability to re-marry.  That is all I have been really been waiting for as I didn't need to wait for the paperwork to revert to my maiden name as I wasn't with Randy long enough to take on his name. 

My marital status didn't need to effect my ability to get out, try new things and make new friends.  And thanks to great friend that made sure I socialized and got out. 

So I'm happy to say that now, there is absolutely nothing stopping me now from moving on with my life.  I am a free women who can do and go anywhere here heart desires. 

Are our schools too liberal?

According to some parents the schools around here are too liberal and thus they either home school them or send them to a charter school.  This made me wonder what are they really referring to when they say the schools are too liberal?  As I don’t have any school-aged kids I don’t have any first hand experience with the local school system.

Growing up I attended public schools and just assumed my kids would too.

I wonder if these parents would say the same thing about the high school I attended.  I was part of JSA (debate team) in high school and the hot topic at the time was legalizing (Medicinal) Marijuana and Euthanasia. Thus we debated it on an intellectual level and the best of them could debate either side and win. But just because we could prove on an intellectual level that Marijuana should be legalized that didn’t mean any of us consumed it.  We were all taught values at home and those are what we stuck to, not what the school taught us. 

Many parents are concerned about their being a gay/lesbian out reach program in the school and this lifestyle being taught in our schools.  Maybe things are different now, but no one really discussed their sexual orientation in school, actually sex wasn’t talked about much between my friends and I.  I felt no pressure to have sex in school.  I recall there being 1 openly gay guy in my high school. He was part of our lunch group, but if I recall correctly we never talked about sexual orientation.  I really don’t think anyone cared.

A recall a couple of my friends tried smoking in high school. My guess is they must have offered one to me as it would be rude not to share, but I never felt pressured.  I was a bit shocked when I saw them light up the first time as I had no idea they smoked, but as fast as it started it quickly faded.

I do recall chatting with this guy in one of my classes, he was going to party that weekend where there would be drinking and he said that I wasn’t invited, as it wasn’t good for me. So, as you can see I was far from pressured to drink. 

Drugs were available at my school too. I was friendly with a couple of the dealers. One of them told funny stories of close encounters with the authorities or how they got away.  The other I met my freshman year. He was in my study skills class. I don’t recall the exact circumstances, but I do recall him dumping out the contents of his backpack out and telling us what everything was used for (mirror, hand cuffs, etc.)  It was quite educational, but that was that. He didn’t offer us drugs.

If this is as liberal as the schools are here then I can work with this.  My feeling is you engrain into your kids values at home then it’s up to them to make their own choices. On the other hand if my kids come home crying from school every day and the curriculum isn’t working for them then maybe I will investigate other possibilities.  In addition there is really no point for me to be worrying about schools. Since I don’t’ have any kids right now that gives me at least 5 years before my first will start kindergarten and at least 14 years before my first with go to high school. A lot can change in that time.  I may move, the curriculum will probably change, the current students will be gone and so will some of the teachers.

Parable of the Tares

My life for the past 12 months can be reflected in the Parable of the Tares (Matthew 13: 24-30)

Satan may try to destroy us, but if we can learn, grow and endure we will rise above all that tries to keep us down.  I am not the same person I was 12 months ago. I did not walk away untarnished, but I did walk away.  And for now that is what matters. I have the ability to start a new chapter in my life. As we close this chapter I want to say that the year was not wasted. 

I don’t know if the below makes up for all that I suffered, but worth the pain or not I did come out of it with the following.

The good stuff that transpired over the past 12 months:

I finally got to visit the Eiffel Tower, a place I’ve wanted to visit for over a decade, but too frugal to go.  I also got to see: Scotland, London (Stonehenge), Paris, France (Eiffel Tower), Switzerland, Italy: Venice, Rome, (Colosseum, Vaticani, Pantheon, Trevi Fountain).

I also got to go to Bali with a little tour group of people I didn’t know and had an amazing time.

I finally learned to Snowboard, something I’ve been yearned to do for years, but too frugal to try and too scared I’d get hurt.

This one might sound strange, but I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease. The good is it explains my anxiety and depression and by just changing my diet I can be free of them.   This new diet has been a struggle and expensive for all parties involved, but it’s worth it.

I moved to a little resort, see picture to the left. Sadly I had to part with my stair stepper due to space, but it’s not so bad. I traded it in for membership to a resort. I’ve taken up swimming.  I’m not much of a swimmer, but it’s good exercise no matter how good you are at it and at the same time you feel refreshed and you come out with a great tan.

I predict the next 12 months will be amazing.  I’m really pushing myself to do those things I’ve always wanted to do but too frugal or too scared.  One of my girlfriends keeps reminding me that I need to do these things while I’m still young and able. With that said. I have come to realize that my biggest regrets in life are of the things I never did or said.  So, here I come world, I’m ready to conquer…and accomplish.

First up on the agenda is Sky Diving with Dad.

Go to Vegas to see “O” and a Chippendales show, ride in the gondola at the Venetian and take a really cool picture.

Learn to Surf this summer

Visit Thailand with Julia in Nov.

I’d also like to go on a bike ride in New England. But, I’m afraid of getting injured and not be able to make it to Thailand in Nov. So I think I’ll hold this off till 2013. Click here to check it out.

Happy Mother's Day

My Mom and I May 12, 2012

I am thankful that my mom is in great health and able to travel. I was hoping to go home for the weekend, but sadly was unable to. For the past 2 weeks I've been dealing with either low or plummeting blood sugar.  Which in turn leaves me feeling sick for hours on end. After an analysis of the days I've felt sick we've figured out the main cause and remedy is just lack of food.  I've been on a strict diet since Nov 2012 when I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease and other food intolerances. After almost 7 months of sticking to this strict diet I've gotten tired of eating the same foods and have lost interest in eating.  After a return visit to the nutritionist this past Friday I'm happy to report that we're going to began to try reintroducing some foods back into my diet.  First on the list is rice.  Not that I have a love for eating plain white rice, but as I have lived on this strict diet I have come to realize that rice, or a derivative of it is in many foods.  Especially in gluten free foods.  It would be safe to guess that 99% of gluten free products on the market today has rice/rice flour, etc in it.  The plan is to try a food for a day and then return to my normal diet for 3 days to see if I have a reaction. The reaction I'm looking for is does it affect my moods. Am I depressed, anxious, tired, etc. And if so then we'll keep those foods out of my diet.  If there is no reaction after 3 days I will try another food. Then after I have tested all of the foods I will add back in those that I didn't have a negative reaction to.  She has also suggested that I try licorice root extract to assist with my blood sugar. In addition she said to make sure that with every meal or snack to make sure I have protein and Carbohydrates.  The Carbohydrates have been hard for me to do as after several boxes from Costco of Sweet Potatoes I just can’t eat another one. I’m not a big fan of beans or lentils as a snack and there just isn’t enough carbohydrates in the fruits and veggies I eat. The other option has been to bake my own breads, but due to feeling sick so much mostly due to allergy shots I haven’t done a whole lot of cooking.  Now that I’m off of the weekly allergy shots I’ve had more time and energy to cook.  Over the past weekend I’ve tried several recipes and am happy to report a couple really good ones.

Flourless Peanut Butter Cookies. These are really good. They taste and look just like a Peanut Butter Cookie.

These cookies came out of: Gluten Free Cookies by Luane Kohnke. I couldn’t find the recipe on her site so here is a link to her Cashew Butter Cookies. It’s the same recipe with the exception of the Peanut Butter Cookies use Organic Peanut butter. I used Kirkland brand and it only uses ¼ Cup Sugar. It calls for unsalted peanuts but, I only had salted so I used them and didn’t salt the tops of the cookies

http://www.luanekohnke.com/?p=2174

The following recipes came from Elana’s Pantry. http://www.elanaspantry.com/

Many of the recipes I’ve made call for Stevia. I just use regular white sugar. 

The below 3 recipe call for Almond Flour.  I use Almond Meal as it’s in my budget. Almond Meal is much coarser then Almond flour and that may be the reason that the following recipes have a unique texture. But until I have a larger budget I will be happy with what I have, a few more items to add to my diet.

Paleo Pumpkin Bread. I double the recipe and use 4 mini loaf pans. I tried using just 2, but they overflowed.  This bread freezes really well. I use canned pumpkin. Make sure if you buy it in a can you read the label to ensure it’s 100% pumpkin. This is so good I eat it almost daily in the morning with my smoothie.

http://www.elanaspantry.com/paleo-pumpkin-bread/

Triple Chocolate Chip Cookies. These are great. I also use Almond Meal. Maybe if you used Almond Flour the texture would be more like a traditional Cookie, but the cost difference at this time is worth if for me to have things taste and feel a little interesting. I’m not a big cookie fan, but when you are on a limited diet anything new that I can eat is exciting.  I use all white chocolate chips. This recipe also calls for Palm oil. I use butter.

http://www.elanaspantry.com/triple-chocolate-chip-cookies/

Coconut Bars. These are good. At the same time for the price of Coconut Flour I’d say it’s not that good if you are on a strict budget. But, if you can splurge it’s worth a try. For me it was worth a try. They are moist. It’s not very sweet. You need to store them in the fridge. The coconut oil sinks to the bottom and leaves if with an interesting texture that I like. I eat it in the morning with my smoothie as a starch.

http://www.elanaspantry.com/coconut-bars/

Paleo Breakfast Bread. This is a weird recipe in the sense is it doesn’t call for any flour or meal.  I tried this today and was shocked at how good it turned out. It’s moist and spongy just like a cake. Thus it doesn’t have the interesting texture like the above 2 recipes.

http://www.elanaspantry.com/paleo-breakfast-bread/

Say no to Bullies

I am shocked by some of the things that people say.  And am even more annoyed about no one shuts them up.

When I got to work today I asked my boss how his (portrait) drawing session went last night. They had the privilege of drawing Rick last night. You’d love him. He’s an actor for the B Street Theater. He’s full of life, very funny and friendly.  And after having to draw a depressed, personality less gal last week this was going to be a real treat.  (We have to give last weeks model credit, for being so pretty, but if you don’t have the personality to go with the looks it really can put a damper on the drawing session.)

I was shocked by my boss’s response. He said as soon as Susan (one of his artist friends) walked in she told Rick(the model) he should attend weight watchers.  I asked my boss if he stopped Susan and apologized to Rick for her rudeness. My boss said he was going to, but she stopped.  My co-worker said everyone just pretended not to hear her and Rick just laughed it off. I still can’t believe my boss didn’t chew her out for her rudeness. Actually I can, we work with Zara and she just as rude. For over a year I was polite and just ignored her.  After a while I just couldn’t take it any longer and talked to my boss about it and he talked to her, but it didn’t work. One day after enduring her daily dose of rudeness I finally told her I’d had enough of comments about x and to keep them to her self.  From that day on it’s as if I don’t exist, when we pass in the halls she doesn’t acknowledge my presence, when she walks in our office she says hi to everyone else but, me. I let this be for about a year, then I got to thinking that this is really childish and crazy and I went out of my way to say Good Morning etc. and she continues to ignore me and it’s as if I’m talking to a wall. After a year of this I gave up, it’s just not worth my effort.  You’d think for someone who’s 79 she’d know how to play nice. The sad thing is she does play nice when she wants something. This past week my coworker and I witnessed her buttering up my boss, to such an extreme that it caught my coworker’s attention, and then asking for a $200 donation for a vacuum she wanted for the theater.   We were in shock at her blatant manner.  

After attending a 15 week class for battered women, I no longer just brush aside rude comments.  I now take the assertive approach. I’ve realized that it’s better to nip it in the bud. Don’t be rude about it, but let the person know how something they says hurts you. This way they can choose to not say those things and if they keep it up you can choose if you want to associate with them.  Thankfully the people I have confronted recently have chosen my friendship.  And other people like Susan I just do my best to avoid.  I used to work for her and she was nice to me for a long time.  I couldn’t understand why other hated her so much, but then the day came that she turned on me and I finally understood.  And that was the last day we worked together.

After this incident I will no longer help my boss find models.  I don’t want to put anyone else in that situation.

Weekend like this make it all worth it.

After a very rough week I just had an amazing weekend.  I got taken out to brunch and dinner on Saturday. Used our pool for the first time, got a much-needed massage to relive my aching body, received a beautiful bouquet of pink carnations, had fun and laughed a lot.  I have to tell you about the amazing pool. I’ve wanted to live somewhere that had a pool during the summer for the long time.  I remember the good o’ days when I lived in an apartment that had a pool and loved it. It was such a great way to get to know your neighbors and you can have a fun weekend with out having to spend money and go out. It was also very relaxing too.

The pool is amazing. We live in a community and are part of community center that includes a gym, 3 pools, rec room, etc. They even have café by the pool that has reasonable price food: Grilled cheese is only $1 and a burger (Beef, Vegie, Turkey, or Salmon) is only $2.50.  It’s like a mini resort.

With all rough weeks we learned a few things. Schedules/routines are real important to keep harmony in our home.  This is really important if someone is starting a new job, having to reinstall a computer, change of mediation, allergy shots, injury, or PMS. And if someone is changing the flow it’s important that if all possible for the other not to stick to the routine and not to change any variables. This way only one person is off kilter.  We learned this the hard way this week.  Mason decided upgrade his computer to Windows 7.  A task that should have only taken a few hours took all week.  So his routine was totally off whack and I was experiencing PMS and having issues maintaining my blood sugar. Not a good combo.  So, till there is a cure for PMS and my blood sugar stablizes it has been agreed upon that the routine will stay in play.  To add to it he thought he’d change up some of his routine in hopes to make me happy and that was a total disaster. I felt horrible for him as I could see him trying so hard to please me and it totally backfired.  (It kind of reminds me when I was with Josh. I’d go totally out of my way to do something for him and it totally backfired. He would have been happier if I had done nothing and left things status quo.)

For the last week my body has been totally out of whack in regards to maintaining my blood sugar. I don’t understand why my body isn’t consistent. Most days I can wait till 7 for dinner and other days if I don’t eat at 6 all hell breaks out? It’s so frustrating. Another thing I learned this week is I need to let Mason know how I’m feeling so he can take care of me.  And be very clear about it, as he informed me that I wasn’t clear enough this last week.  I still haven’t figured out how to stabilize my blood sugar.  Even today I had issues. I usually have a protein smoothie and some pumpkin bread made with almond flour in the morning and that usually carries me till lunch. I’ve been doing this for months, but for some reason that didn’t work today.  Later I ate half my salad then had to run an errand and still I felt sick.  As for now I’m at a total loss of what to do.  Hopefully this will be resolved soon.

Third, here is something I wish I could say lesson learned, but this is still a process.  As you know Mason changed ADD medications.  The new meds are much better and the wear off factor isn’t so dramatic. At the same time there still is a wear off factor. The time it wears off differs from day to day depending on food, stress, activity, etc. This makes it really difficult to gauge, at the same time he can feel it wearing off and is able to inform me of that. And then that is where I make the joke, better stop now while you’re ahead.  And he knows it’s time not to say anything more or he’ll put his foot in his mouth.  It has also been agreed that we go to bed no later then 10 p.m. and stick to our routines. 

Rough Weeks = Lessons Learned

After a very rough week I just had an amazing weekend.  I got taken out to brunch and dinner on Saturday. Used our pool for the first time, got a much-needed massage to relive my aching body, received a beautiful bouquet of pink carnations, had fun and laughed a lot.  I have to tell you about the amazing pool. I’ve wanted to live somewhere that had a pool during the summer for the long time.  I remember the good o’ days when I lived in an apartment that had a pool and loved it. It was such a great way to get to know your neighbors and you can have a fun weekend with out having to spend money and go out. It was also very relaxing too.

The pool is amazing. We live in a community and are part of community center that includes a gym, 3 pools, rec room, etc. They even have café by the pool that has reasonable price food: Grilled cheese is only $1 and a burger (Beef, Vegie, Turkey, or Salmon) is only $2.50.  It’s like a mini resort.

With all rough weeks we learned a few things. Schedules/routines are real important to keep harmony in our home.  This is really important if someone is starting a new job, having to reinstall a computer, change of mediation, allergy shots, injury, or PMS. And if someone is changing the flow it’s important that if all possible for the other not to stick to the routine and not to change any variables. This way only one person is off kilter.  We learned this the hard way this week.  Mason decided upgrade his computer to Windows 7.  A task that should have only taken a few hours took all week.  So his routine was totally off whack and I was experiencing PMS and having issues maintaining my blood sugar. Not a good combo.  So, till there is a cure for PMS and my blood sugar stablizes it has been agreed upon that the routine will stay in play.  To add to it he thought he’d change up some of his routine in hopes to make me happy and that was a total disaster. I felt horrible for him as I could see him trying so hard to please me and it totally backfired.  (It kind of reminds me when I was with Josh. I’d go totally out of my way to do something for him and it totally backfired. He would have been happier if I had done nothing and left things status quo.)

For the last week my body has been totally out of whack in regards to maintaining my blood sugar. I don’t understand why my body isn’t consistent. Most days I can wait till 7 for dinner and other days if I don’t eat at 6 all hell breaks out? It’s so frustrating. Another thing I learned this week is I need to let Mason know how I’m feeling so he can take care of me.  And be very clear about it, as he informed me that I wasn’t clear enough this last week.  I still haven’t figured out how to stabilize my blood sugar.  Even today I had issues. I usually have a protein smoothie and some pumpkin bread made with almond flour in the morning and that usually carries me till lunch. I’ve been doing this for months, but for some reason that didn’t work today.  Later I ate half my salad then had to run an errand and still I felt sick.  As for now I’m at a total loss of what to do.  Hopefully this will be resolved soon.

Third, here is something I wish I could say lesson learned, but this is still a process.  As you know Mason changed ADD medications.  The new meds are much better and the wear off factor isn’t so dramatic. At the same time there still is a wear off factor. The time it wears off differs from day to day depending on food, stress, activity, etc. This makes it really difficult to gauge, at the same time he can feel it wearing off and is able to inform me of that. And then that is where I make the joke, better stop now while you’re ahead.  And he knows it’s time not to say anything more or he’ll put his foot in his mouth.  It has also been agreed that we go to bed no later then 10 p.m. and stick to our routines. 

A plea from the wife of a Porn Addict

Growing up many of us are taught porn is bad and to not look at it.  No real explanation is given.  I grew up in a very liberal area and I learned early on that  “porn” can be subjective and what some may find offensive and call porn others may call art.  I have even heard of vegetarians refer to a picture of a juicy beef hamburger as porn.  So I’m not here to pass judgment on what people look at, read, or watch in their spare time. What I want to educate you on is on the ill effects on one’s life as a result from a porn addiction and from my experience I don’t think it really has anything to do what a person is addicted to it’s the addiction that effects one’s life not their chosen vice.

Prior to my marring Randy, a porn addict, I was clueless about the ill effects of porn and how an addiction affects their spouse.

A week after I married Randy I caught him looking at porn on our honeymoon.  I was horrified, but the act of him looking at porn was not what ruined our honeymoon it was his how he treated me from that day forward. Not once on our honeymoon did I mention what I caught him doing, but my guess is due to his guilt and shame he was unable to move forward. From that day no matter what I said he took it personally and was very defensive.  And it wasn’t as if I was trying to carry on any deep conversations at this point. I was on vacation. I was a tourist. I would say “look at that” or “what do you think of this” and he would jump down my throat. 

Living with an addict I learned that they are so ashamed of their addiction they do all you can to hide it.  They live a double life.  And in living a double/secret life for so long they create their own reality and in that reality they see themselves as normal, and thus they assume everyone lives a double life. Everyone is just as secretive as them. Everyone is hiding something.  And that is one of the things that destroyed our marriage before it even began. He was always so sure I was hiding something from him and he obsessed over it.  He would stalk me on line. He spent hours researching me. Digging through my old blogs and finding old pictures of me on the web.  Even searching through my computer when I wasn’t paying attention. Then when we got married and the first thing he did was read my journal to see what I was hiding, then he proceeded to hack into my e-mail and stole my phone so he could read all my text messages. He didn’t trust me, as he wasn’t trustworthy.   He was angry with me all the time and blamed me for his stalking. If I weren’t so secretive he wouldn’t have to do it. After he threatened me physically a couple of times I left.  I had already endured several months of emotional and verbal abuse and I didn’t want to make the same mistake as my friends and end up in the hospital or dead.

I have to say I am thankful that we did go to marriage counseling. It was there that I saw how skewed his thinking was and it was them that sent me to the battered women’s workshop.  In the end I could see he lived in a fantasy world. He didn’t hear a word I said because in his mind he knew what I was going to say so when I talked he didn’t listen to me as he’d already had the conversation in his mind.  I also learned in my battered women’s class that his being abusive had nothing to do with his addiction.  For a long time I thought he acted the way he did because he was suffering from withdrawals from porn. Later I realized I was just making an excuse for him, I was so naïve. After talking to other significant others of porn addict I learned that no matter if their significant other was indulging in their addiction or not they were still treated badly. 

End note: I would like to put a plea out to everyone. Please assist youngsters to stay clear of porn so they can develop a good self image, healthy relationships and see a clear picture of the world. Please don’t just say porn is evil, instead educate them on how it will affect their lives if they become addicted.  For those of you who know someone who is struggling with an addiction do your best to make them aware of resources out there to help them overcome it.  And if you know someone who is young and struggling with a porn addiction help educate them that if they don’t take care of it now it will affect their future relationships and career opportunities. It’s not just a private affair.