"Life is a series of problems."

A while back I was really struggling with trying to figure out what my purpose in life is. I really felt a need to know what it was so I could aggressively work towards it.  A few of my friends consoled me and we discussed my dilemma at the time, but  I never did have a big epiphany.  The immediate need came and went as I was bombarded with more pressing issues at hand(see below).  This morning my friend came across the below message and forwarded it to me as he recalled our earlier conversations. I am not one to forward e-mails and I don't read 99.9% of the e-mails that are forwarded to me, but this one is worth reading. He has some very valid points.

According to Rick Warren, the author of "Purpose Drive Life," Our purpose in life is to prepare for Eternity. Life doesn't end when our bodies cease to exist, instead we take on a different form in a way and our spirit, the thing that makes up who we are, goes on living with God. Rick goes on to say: "Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.   The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.   We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.."

I like what Rick said. To me it makes sense.  My life is the epitome of a person who's life is a series of problems/challenges/growing experiences. I am continually in one, coming out of one, and jumping into a new one. It is never ending. It's like a roller coaster ride that has no off switch.  For a long time my life was a Carousel and I was really missing the roller coaster ride. Now I'm looking forward to a carousel ride.  After a grueling weekend with my mother and another houseguest my brain is fried. The first house guest arrived Friday night and the next arrived Saturday Morning. (To add to it I had to go down to my house and feed the dogs since my ex was out of town and I was also hoping to get the rest of my stuff moved out of the house.) By Saturday night I was emotionally drained, to the point of I came home and passed out, leaving the house guests to entertain themselves.  I didn't even say goodnight, I just disappeared, I do feel a little bad about that, but emotionally I just couldn't socialize any more.  By Sunday afternoon I lacked any feeling or thought and I'm still recovering.  

It wasn't the house guests per say that made for a grueling weekend it was more how I deal or don't deal with stress.  So much has been happening/changing in my life lately.  In addition I'm not one who is good at just letting comments just slide off my back. I seem to be one of those that unfortunately takes everything so personally.  That is something I need to work on, along with the other million things on my character building list.  I think the thing that the weekend so tough was  I came to the deep realization that I can't move on in my life till I get those finally divorce papers in hand so I can get my name off the loan to the house.  And I am seriously freaked out that if I make one wrong move that I won't be able to get my name off the loan and I will be in-debt for the rest of my life, paying for a house that I don't want any connection to.  Maybe I'm seriously paranoid for no reason, but I know there are many vindictive people out there, naming my cousin for one that hates me and I am afraid she will talk to my ex and really screw me.  I don't see my ex as vindictive, but he may talk to some people that are and they may convince him to do something to really screw me.  The thing is we have a huge line of credit open on the house and either of us can easily access it. Actually him more then me, since I left all the info about it in the house.  So, I'm really trusting him that he won't draw on it, making it impossible for me to take my name off the loan for the house. I wish those divorce papers would get here so I can get my name off the house and can stop stressing about this. 

For the past few months I have been very successful at burying these concerns by occupying myself with friends, watching lots of tv and movies and living wild single life. There have been a couple of friends in particular that have been very good at keeping my mind off these issues and I thank them for this.  In the back of my mind I know there really isn't any sense of stressing about these issues everyday because there is nothing I can really do with the exception of kissing my ex's ass to make sure I keep on his good side in hopes that he will see me in a good light and not follow his friends advice to screw me.  I have learned that life is a game and I think I've done a pretty good job at playing it.  I'm hoping that having these house guests over this weekend and the events of late, have not compromised my hard work of playing nice and keeping myself in a good light in my ex's eye.  

Having all these house guest this weekend brought all these things back to light and has gotten me all worked up again.  And the reality is I really can't bury this stuff, it needs to be taken care of so I can have some closure.  I am hoping to have this stress lifted from me soon.  Today once again marks week five on the divorce papers. According to the courts it takes approximately 6 weeks for them to be returned with either a yea or nay that they have either been returned or are finalized.  I'm really hoping that this time they go through and my divorce was final as of July 4th, 2010.  Soon as I have the papers in hand we can fill out the paperwork to get my name off the loan, then the deed and then and only then will I be able to breathe a sigh of relief.  At that time I'd really love to take a ride on a carousel for a little while before I move into my next adventure. 

RICK WARREN'S MESSAGE

  

You will enjoy the new insights that Rick Warren has, with his wife now having cancer and him having 'wealth' from the book sales. This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren,  'Purpose Driven Life ' author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California . In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:   

People ask me, What is the purpose of life?   

And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.   One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.  

I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity..   We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.  

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.   The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.   We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness..   

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.   I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.   

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.  

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.   And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems:   

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.   We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.   You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.   

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.   

It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.

So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.  

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit.. We made no major purchases.  

Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.  

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.  

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.  

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?   

Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?  

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.   

That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.   

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.   

Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.   

Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.   

Painful moments, TRUST GOD.   

Every moment, THANK GOD..   

  

God's Blessings 

HE ARRIVED THIS MORNING, WE HAD PRAYER; SPENT SOME TIME JUST TALKING, AND HE HELD ME FOR AWHILE BECAUSE I WAS HAVING A BAD MORNING.. THEN, HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO YOUR PLACE. 

Finally on my own.

It’s hard to believe that this is my first time having my own place. You'd of thought by my age I would have lived on my own, but I have always had roommates. I love my new place. I look forward going home.  My friends advised me to “Find a place you will look forward to coming home to.” Initially this wasn’t my main concern, or even something I was looking for. My first priority was to find something within my very limited budget.  I found a couple really affordable places, but they were awful.  And each time I almost signed a lease, but after going home I had the sense to call them back and tell them I changed my mind.  I went back and fort trying to figure out if having roommates was worth the cost savings or would it be more stress then it was worth. In the end I opted for paying a whole lot more and having my own place.  Not an easy choice for me since I am so money conscious.  I am so happy that I found the place I did. It’s nice, clean, bright, smells.  Being in a place that I love will hopefully prevent me from jumping into a relationship like I have done in the past to escape horrible living conditions.   

I’m still in shock that I actually did it. Moved out on my own. I’ve been planning for this moment for over a year now.  I packed up most of my belongings over a year ago in the preparation for moving.  Since then I have gone though my stuff many times illuminating the stuff that I really don’t need and donating it to Goodwill. Most of my keepsakes have been moved to my parent’s house for safekeeping. That wasn’t an easy feat to convince them to let me store my stuff over there.  Over time I was able to get into their good graces and they finally agreed to let me store my stuff over there.

It’s not that I have been looking forward to becoming a swinging single. What I have been looking forward to is getting out of the awful situation I felt trapped in.  In a way I felt like a bear hunter that got stuck in his own trap, how is that possible? 

It was very difficult for me to make the leap of faith and walk away from my beautiful house and yard. I have invested the last approx 6 years beautifying that house and landscaping that yard. I transplanted many plants from my maternal grandmother’s yard into my yard.  My grandmother moved out of her home about 10 years ago and took many of her roses and plants to the rental house.  Her yard was her life. She was dedicated to her plants, watering, pruning, dividing, grafting, and transplanting them. They were a part of her.   When I transplanted them into my yard, they flourished beyond anyone’s expectations. They grew like weeds and flowered more then they ever flowered for her. She was so proud of me.  The rose bushes were amazing. Only a month or two each year there were no blooms. That is the joys of living in a warm state, roses bloom nearly year round. When I moved I left a part of her behind.  I also left the finical security behind. We weren’t filthy rich, we were far from that, but we were comfortable. With my frugal nature we lived very comfortable. We never struggled for the necessities of life. In addition we prioritized our needs and wants and were able to budget in a yearly cruise.  The isn’t something I took for granted. I’ve always been very concerned about money, so for me to up and leave wasn’t a easy decision.

I gave up my career in Corporate America when I got married so I am far from able to really afford the meager lifestyle that I have come accustomed to.  If I had felt financially secure I would of moved out long ago and wouldn’t of felt so trapped.  On the other hand, it was my choice to give up my career in hopes of feeling less stressed, depressed, and to gain a more balanced lifestyle. Instead I think I gave up one stress in exchange for another.  Finally 7 years later, working in a job where I make less then half of what I had been making and not getting health benefits, I think I’ve finally found some balance in my life. I am finally no longer a stress case. I still stress; I still deal with anxiety, but not to the same level, as I was while working in corporate America. I don’t think it’s the career change that made the difference; I think it was my perception of life. I have changed greatly over the past 7 years. The way I perceive the world around me. The way I perceive myself. I finally see that I am a good person and have lots to offer. My presence makes a difference in this world.  If I weren’t here I would be missed. I bring sunshine to my friends and they need me.

I’m still scared about not being able to financially make it on my own.  I don’t know if that fear will ever go away.  I did talk to my boss and I will be getting a raise and more hours so that is good. The hard thing is now it all depends on me. I need to make sure I work the additional hours and budget my money wisely. That is a lot of new pressure on me and that really scares me.   I’ve only been in my new place 20 days now, so I haven’t gotten the SMUD or PG&E bills yet, so I don’t know what to expect. I live closer so I should spend less on gas, but I go a lot more places so I’m not sure how that is going to work out.  I am also on my own for buying groceries, taking care of my car and all those miscellaneous expenses that seem to pop up out of nowhere.  I guess as times go buy I will get more comfortable with budgeting and living on my own and things will work them selves out. At least that is what I keep telling myself so I don’t have a panic attack every time I spend money.

Since I moved in I’ve had intermittent Internet service. It hasn’t been a big deal since I am not home much and when I am home I’ve got better things to do then to surf the net.  Even my landlord has had Internet issues and he called last week and gave me the account number, reference number etc so I could call back when I was having issues and it was actually down. So tonight I’m home alone watching Sex in the City and thought I’d see if the Internet is down. Not to my surprise it is down. I fresh it a few times and about an hour later I work up the energy to call Surewest. And you won’t believe it. Soon as they picked up the phone the Internet started working. And of course there is nothing they can do when the service is up and running.  So after having an annoying conversation with the help desk, explaining to them that I have intermitted service they more or less tell me there is nothing they can do since it seems to be working fine.  And this is the reason I haven’t called.  To be continued.  It has been less the 5 minutes and I just tried to log on again and of course it’s not working. Is it really worth giving them another call? I think not. I think I’d rather just sit here annoyed, then waste my time on the phone. And wait it works now. Maybe it just takes a minute to warm up?!

Other then the intermitted Internet service my new apt is great.  One thing I am realizing is how much I love duel pained windows and how much noise they keep out.  My house had duel pane windows, but this apt is lacking. I guess 10yrs ago they built this place they weren’t standard.  I love the cross ventilation I have in my bedroom, but who puts 3 windows in a single bedroom?! Even with the widows closed it is quite noisy. I have also realized that my fridge is really noisy. I’m not sure if it’s noisier then the one we had at the house or this place is just smaller so I’m closer to it more often. 

I have to say I am really enjoying the cool fall weather and being able to have all the windows open and the front door open to cool down the place. It’s amazing how cool it has been lately.  I’m not sure if living closer to the river makes it cooler or if it’s just overall cooler this time of year.  I love the feeling of going to bed in a cool room snuggled under a warm comforter.   If it gets cool enough here I might even get to use my down comforter.  It was always too warm in the house, but with the single pane windows it might actually get cool enough.

Sugar Daddy

I am not a gold digger, but haven’t we all thought of it? After two lousy marriages I’ve seriously considered finding me a “Sugar Daddy.” If I wasn’t going to be successful in love, why not buy and eat my way to happiness. Or at least drown my sorrows with buying power. I know you can’t buy love or happiness, but you can shop to till you drop. I’ve never had the luxury of shopping till I dropped and I thought it would be a nice change. Wouldn’t it be fun to walk down Rodeo Drive or 5^th Avenue or just go to the mall and be able to buy anything?  This is one of my crazy fantasies that will never come true because I’m just way too frugal.  It just kills me to waste money.  I went to IKEA last year and had a panic attach when we checked out and ended up leaving with 1 out of the 5 items that we picked out. It wasn’t that we couldn’t afford the items; it was more that we really didn’t need the items. Truth be told I’m totally paranoid about money.   Since college I have bought 99.9% of my clothing at Goodwill. This way I can wear designer fashion with out having to pay the jacked up prices.  I seriously dream of one day of just being able to go shopping and pick out a new outfit from head to toe, with matching jewelry, shoes, handbag, etc.  I know I’m a little over the top when it comes to spending money. Most people have the problem with the inability of live with in their means. I have the opposite problem. I am unable to spend money. I have grown up in an environment that taught me to save everything and prepare for the future.   Which has caused me the inability to enjoy all that I have with out a very guilty conscious. The good part of it is I’ve never had to really stress like some has about money. I know that if the world comes to an end I do have a reserve and I will be able to survive and I will never end up totally homeless. And if all fails I can always move home with Mom and Dad, not an ideal situation, but it’s good to know that I will never have to live under a bridge.  My parents may never win any parenting awards, but I know they love me and will do anything for me, they will always have my back and that is reassuring.

A friend of mine recently told me that  “you can marry more money then you can ever make.” Very true, but in the end I really want to marry for love next time.  The first two times I got married to get out of situations.  Instead of marrying someone due to my convoluted logics and my logics for marriage is very convoluted.  This time I plan to marry because I really love him and want to spend the rest of this life and eternity with him. Before we get married we’re going to talk about the future. Make sure we are working towards the same things and have the same vision. 

Here is a new twist. This time I actually am planning on having a family with him. I know this is a total shock to some of you. I’m finally growing up and looking at the big picture. Don’t worry we’re not going to rush into it, but it’s going to be part of the plan. So with that we’re going to discuss how we’re going to raise our kids. I know this a big step for me. Maybe this is why I don’t have kids yet, I didn’t have a husband that I wanted to be the father of my kids and wanted the same thing I wanted for a family.

They say third time is a charm and I’m counting on it. 

Relationship Stability is now Front Page News

The stability of a relationship used to be kept under wraps until the invention of facebook. Now the stability of a relationship is front cover news. It’s amazing how someone can go from single to in a relationship and it’s complicated.  I seriously don’t get it. Of course a relationship is complicated, but that’s the nature of a relationship. I figure I’ll keep my fb status as single till I’m married. Why should I keep switching my status every time a guy walks in and out of my life.  Or maybe I should change my status to “open relationship” to let others know that I don’t really want to be single and alone, but I’m open to the idea of having a relationship.  That will really throw everyone for a loop. 

As for now I’m still waiting for my final divorce paperwork to arrive in the mail so I’m not “dating” per say, because that just wouldn’t be morally right.  On the other hand I’m happy to have friends of both genders to hang out with and spent time with and get to know.  Isn’t that what life is all about, forming relationships with others.   I guess you can be a hermit if you really want, but that doesn’t seem like much fun.

My question is why do “relationships” have to be so complicated? I’m not just referring to dating relationship, but also friendships. Why can’t we all just get along and have fun? Is that so hard to ask? We all need to lighten up, laugh a little more, and enjoy the small things in life, and take time to smell the flowers.

Why are people so quick to label what they see, but know nothing about? Why is it if I’m a friend with one person, I can’t be a friend with another?  It’s just not fair.  Making friends has always been a challenge for me. I’m a very personal and private person and it’s hard for me to open up enough so I am able to make friends. I just don’t like putting myself out there for fear of getting hurt. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of networking to find friends. It all came about when I was talking to a guy about how he finds girls to date. He makes lots of girl friends, in the hopes that they will all have friends and maybe he will be interested in dating one of their friend’s friends.  For him it has worked out well, in the last year he has acquired a girlfriend from this process.  His ability to network and having a large friend base has also helped me to make new friends.  As I’ve become friends with his friend’s friends. The bad part of networking is everyone is interconnected and being friends with one person can cause hurt feelings with another.  I wish I could find a work around in these situations.

I would of thought that having a large friend base would be good. I’ve always had the theory of the more the merrier. I’m finding out the hard way that friendships in the single world is convoluted. It’s like the eco system, it’s a very delicate balance and one wrong move can send everything spinning totally out of control.

Here is the most current of situations. Friend X said Friend A was a nice person so I became friends with Friend A.  Things were going well for a while. Friend A and I really hit it off and spend lots of time talking and some time hanging out together.  Unfortunately Friend A liked me in a more then a just friends way.  I kind of just brushed it aside since I have a few other friends that also like me in a more then friends way, but they know that I only like then in a just friends way and they are content being my friend.  Friend A really talks up his friends and talks about me to his friends and introduced me to his Friend B. B and I have really hit it off.  We aren’t dating since I’m still waiting for my paperwork, but we spend lots of time together and are really good friends.  As I said I have a couple of friends have high hopes that we will one day be more then just friends, but that are content being my friends till that time since we are all benefiting from the relationships that we have.  The problem arose when I realized that Friend A was causing additional stress in my life.  He may not be the starter of gossip, but he also isn’t the ender of gossip. I need a friend that is strong enough to put a stop to gossip or to walk away from the gossip.  I don’t need a friend that will pass on the gossip to me.  I am dealing with enough drama in my life right now I don’t need to be friends with a “shit stirrer.”  To add to it not only did Friend A, not stop the gossip he started posting things about me on his face book wall. Alluding that we were more then friends. That just put me over the edge and for a day I stopped responding to his texts and calls, trying to figure out how to best confront him. Two days later I called him and tried to talk to him, but by then it was too late he didn’t want to hear what I had to say and decided us being friends just wasn’t going to work. It seems odd to me that a friendship can deteriorate so fast.   Or did things end so abruptly due to Friend A introduced me to his friend C .  And now Friend C and I have been spending a lot of time together. Here is an odd scenario, that would sort of explain Friend A’s behavior. Maybe Friend A has driven by my house and is upset and extremely jealous because he has seen Friend’s C’s vehicle outside. I really can’t believe he would do that, but it seems totally bizarre to me that all of a sudden he would go from being a friend that we talk on the phone for hours with and share our lives with to someone that seems to be mad at me and acts like my enemy. If that is so, that is very creepy.  Who spies of their friends?  In the last few weeks I’ve learned that jealousy can turn the best of friends in to the worst enemy.  The drama continues. I am sad to loose friend A’s friendship, but to make matter’s worse. Friend A and D are Friends and Friend C and D are best friends.  It looks like my being friends with B is affecting his friendship with D. Now that just isn’t right. It’s not fair that B and D can’t be friends since A doesn’t want to be my friend and is making D choose sides.  I really thought this would only happen to a friendship of girls, but apparently guys friendships are just as convoluted.  Things are still playing out. Hopefully B and D can come to an understanding and can continue to be friends.

My joining the single scene at church sure has caused a lot of additional drama. On the other hand from what I hear, ever time a new pretty girl comes in the same problems arise.  And to add to it all I’m not even really dating. I’m just trying to have fun and make friends. 

What I fear most about getting re-married

The thing I was looking forward to being single most was making girlfriends. My greatest fear of getting married again is not having friends.   I know that is probably not the biggest concern of most divorced people.  Many people who have had their heart broken guard their hearts are maybe afraid to open their hearts again and become vulnerable to the possibility of having their hearts broken again.  I am not afraid of opening up my heart again.   I have experienced a broken heart many times and it’s not fun, but the feelings of being in love are worth the pain. 

My greatest fear of getting married again is feeling more alone being married then being single.  It’s great to be married to one’s best friend, but it’s also nice to be able to have friends in addition to one’s spouse.   I want to have girlfriends that I can spend time together and hang out with, to bounce ideas off, to laugh with.  I also want to find other friends that are couples that we can do things with. I have found this very difficult in the past due to we didn’t have children. Every couple we knew had kids and didn’t want to do things without their kids and since we didn’t have kids it was difficult to do things together. I see other couples with kids find other couples with kids the same age so they can play together while the adults spend time together doing adult things.  I don’t want to just have kids so we can fit in, I want to have kids because we want kids and are ready to raise kids.

I have no ideas on how to make more girlfriends. I’m finding it very difficult to make girlfriends in the singles church group.  The biggest challenge I am having is “I am the new pretty girl” and instead of girls wanting to be my friend they find me a threat.  Things just aren’t working as planned.  I didn’t think it would be so difficult to make friends. I am thankful for the few friends I have made.  Maybe once I have a boyfriend they won’t feel threatened by me and will want to be my friend.   That seems like a weird motivation to get a boyfriend.   The other issue I am having of making real friends is it seems like my views on things are a lot different then the other single women in the church. I am single due to choice and many of these women resent the fact that they are single.   I’m hoping that as I get to know these women or other women we can connect on other levels.

Spiraling out of control

I seriously thing my world is spinning out of control.  I think I need to start planting some roots before thing go totally out of control. The problem is, I’ve been flying by the seat of my pants for years, just trying to survive in the chaos called life that I’m having a hard time grounding myself.  It’s hard to change my mindset from pure survival mode to living mode.  There have been moments in my life where I have been grounded and had a purpose, where I was working towards a greater good in the world.

Last year I was grounded for a bit. It happened while reading my journals I had written while on my mission. I was swept back in time; it was as if I was there.  During that experience I realized that I liked the person I was there and wanted to be that spiritual person I used to be.  I spent a period of time typing up my missionary journals with the goal of publishing then so the world can read them.  I did some research and realized that there weren’t any books written about a girl making the choice to go on a mission so I thought this would be a good opportunity for me to share my experience with others and hopefully help other girls like myself make the right decision for them. I really felt god put into my heart this book and this is something he really wanted me to do. Things were going great for a long time then I got sick and stopped. Allergies and I don’t agree and when spring hits I’m exhausted and get really depressed and unmotivated due to feeling exhausted all the time.  The worst of allergies has past, but then life got in the way and I lost focus and haven’t gotten back into editing my journals so I can publish them.

I have been going a bit crazy lately. I’ve been living up single life to the extreme.  I’ve been yearning to go dancing at clubs(haven’t gone yet) and I have been staying up to all hours of the night.   I’m not a night person, but I have been staying up to the wee hours of the morning for the past several weeks.  I’ve been doing things that are not in my best judgment, nothing illegal or anything, just not using my head.  I haven’t been working towards the big picture, because there is no big picture. I’m still just flying by the seat of my pants. Having fun.  I guess one can’t really blame me; life has been less then fun the last many years.  I am finally in control of what I do and with whom I do it with and I’m finally doing what I want, when I want to.  That is a big change for me. For years I have had to put on a happy face and do things that I haven’t enjoyed. I used to hate going to clubs, because we would go ever weekend and he just couldn’t dance, it was awful. Maybe if I was wasted it wouldn’t of bothered me so much that he was an awful dancer, and maybe I should have been so self-conscious and should of just had fun, but I was embarrassed to be seen with him, he was that bad and to add to it my feet killed from him continually stepping on them. It was just awful. First I tried the “fake it till you make it” attitude, maybe if I pretended to have fun, I would eventually have fun. It doesn’t work. After months of doing that I told him I hated going and asked couldn’t we do something else, but he didn’t care. So I put on my martyr hat and went. Thankfully I got over being a martyr and finally put my foot down two year ago and stopped going.  And he found other people to go with.

Now that I have finally realized that my life is spinning out of control I think I should do something about it. I guess I have taken the first step, of saying I have a problem, so I am on the right path.  I’m thinking I need to once again focus on the big picture and figure out what I really want.

The problem is I don’t know what I really want.   I feel like my girlfriend felt the other week. Do I stay active in church or not. It’s been a serious toss up for me for a while. I really don’t know how to live life with out the church in it. My whole life has always evolved around the church. My whole social life is the church. I seriously don’t know how to make friends out of the church. So if I weren’t active, what would I do for a social life?  And it’s not that I don’t believe the church to be true, because I do, it’s just that all the rules and I just aren’t jiving at the moment.  I think I either need to put all feet in or out and stop trying to live with one foot on each side.

Last year I really thought I found my purpose.   And if I stick with that purpose then my mind is made up, I need to get both feet back in church and keep those commandments. On the other hand maybe, I need to find me a new purpose to animate my life.   Maybe I should just flip a coin….  I just got off the phone with my girlfriend and she said I need to watch “Sex in the City.” She loaned me the complete box set. Maybe I should take the night off from going out and partying and stay the night in and start watching it. Maybe the girls can give me some insight.  It’s still early in the day. I guess I have a few more hours before I have to figure out what I am going to do after work.

The door that won't close

Seriously I really need to get my life together. I have finally moved into my own place, the dust is settling and I really need to figure out what to do next.   The problem is as much as I think one door has closed, it really hasn’t.  We’re still connected.  Even when the final paperwork arrives we still own a house together, are each other beneficiaries on our life insurance policies, and share the cell phone plan and to add to it we own 2 dogs, to add to it. Since we were married during the 2010 tax year, we will need to do taxes together.  I wish I could just nail that door shut, but it doesn’t look like that's going to be happening soon. The good thing is I don’t feel an emotional connection with him. He isn’t an enemy so he must then be a friend. I don’t hate him for what he has done to me, I’m not angry with him. I have forgiven him and have moved on. Holding on to anger is of no benefit to me.  

By April of next year taxes will be done and that connection should be over. By Dec of this year my health benefits will have ended and that connection will be over.  Soon as my final divorce paperwork has arrived we’ll be able to get my name off the loan, deed, and change beneficiaries on our life insurance. I'm crossing my fingers that will be all be completed by year end. 

Then all that is left is the dogs and the cell phones. We share a cell plan now because it’s cheaper then having separate plans, but I’ll probably forgo the savings next year after all the other connections are severed, even thought it is nice saving money.  

The last connection is the dogs.  As of now he has both dogs at the house. My apt isn’t set up for me to have my dog living here with me yet. I do have a little dog door that leads out to my back deck. So I can set up a potty area for her out back, but I’m still not sure if I really want to take her.  I do have the option of leaving her with my ex. She is happy where she is and he really loves her and I know he will totally take care of her. This has been a decision I’m struggling with for a while. It was difficult for me to find a place that that would be conducive to having her with me. I opted for not having roommates so I could have her with me with out the stress of her getting underfoot or being teased or stepped on or untrained by roommates. It has been a very expensive choice too. If I had roommates my rent would be considerably less and I wouldn't be so stressed about money. I also went to the effort to find a place that wasn't in a complex so she wouldn't bark at the neighbors when I left her home alone. I also made sure I had a balcony so she would have a place to potty and I wouldn't have to take her for a walk every time she needed to go. Now that I did all this prep work I'm not sure if I really want to have her with me all the time. I’m not sure I really want the commitment of taking care of a dog. The good thing of me having a dog is it would ensure that I come home every night at a reasonable hour. Which in turn could keep me out of trouble.  So, maybe the responsibility would be good for me. So many decisions.

If I taker her or not, the issue is still what do we do when I/we go out of town. For now it’s nice to have someone we know and trust to take dogs care of them when we are out of town. The other option is to drop the dogs off at our respective parents’ homes which are out of town. They live less then two hours away, but that is still inconvenient.  

Note to self: Listen to my friends

I really thought I had it together.  One door is almost closed and the next door is beginning to open.   The other day I experienced a big slap in the face. It turns out that all is not well in paradise.   How can this be? I have worked so hard these past few years to unlearn some of the most unbecoming traits I picked up as a kid.  On the relationship/being a spouse front I posses less baggage now then I did 7, 9, or even 10 years ago. So I have some things really together and other things not so together.

I have to say I have some of the best friends in the world. Friends that care so much about me and know me so well that they are able to bring to light things that I have hidden from myself. Things I have buried down so deep that I don’t see them. It’s crazy to think some things are sitting right there in plain sight and I am so blind. How is that possible?  I hate getting slapped in the face or kicked in the rear at the moment by my friends, but in the end I really appreciate.   I bet if I followed my friend’s counsel I’d stop falling into so many holes.  Note to self “Heed my close friends advice, they know more then I do.”

Headless Chicken

Do you ever feel like you are running around with your head chopped off? Checking things off your to do list, but not really thinking or living. That is how my life has been for years.  The good news is I am able to survive under unusually amounts of stress.  If there is an emergency I will not freeze.  I will get what needs to be done completed.  I have been operating in panic mode for a long time and have been successful in holding down a part time job.  As for this last year I have been successful of getting those things that are most important checked off my checklist.  Much has fallen by the wayside but those things that ranked top priority got done.

The problem with panic mode is all you are thinking about is survival. You don’t see the big picture. Now that I am reverting back to real life mode and slowing easing off panic mode I am realizing things. Such as I have been very self-centered in some ways and have hurt some friends along the way. And other friends that have really needed me over the years I haven’t been there for them. I feel awful about this. I had no intentions of hurting anyone or letting important friendships fall by the wayside. 

I make no excuses for my behavior.   I can’t change the past. All I can do is work on making a better future for everyone.  My plan is to not only keep my head above the water from here on out, but to actually sail on the water. My life has been a giant roller coaster ride. I have seen myself hanging above the jaws of death many times. I fell just lucky to have survived with as few scars as I did.

I have lived in panic mode for so long it’s not going to be easy to settle back into a “normal” state. I don’t even know what “normal” is. My current quest is to find purpose and balance in my life. I need something to live for and work towards. 

House Party Gone Wild

This weekend I went to my first house party with a keg, of root beer that is, and a live DJ.  I've never been much of a party girl. Even in college I didn't really party. I was too busy studying and trying to get outta there as fast as I could. That is one of my regrets, not spending time and having fun during my college days. Now that I'm single I'm going to catch up on partying, well, sort of.  I did the club scene for a bit, but never liked it much. I don't drink so hanging out with drunk people really bugs me.  Like my other day's blog, there will be balance. I'm not going to be in the next "girls gone wild" video. 

What kind of partying can non-drinker do. Apparently go to Root Beer Keggers. I've never heard of such a thing. I was surprised to see a house packed with upwards of 150 people all getting down on Root beer.  Granted it wasn't "Girls Gone Wild." On the other hand I left early so maybe later on the girls got on the tables and started flashing everyone and people started skinny dipping in the pool. But, as far as when I was there it was just a lot of people dancing around and bikini clad girls in the pool.  Nothing scandals. The police did show up around 10 to tell us to close the windows and to clear out the house a bit due to fire code. At least that is what I heard, I wasn't in the front room when they showed up.

Being new to the house party scene, wasn't sure what to expect. I have seen my share of  movies about house parties so I am going to assume they are just like the movies where girls and guys go to parties hoping to hook up.  Being a cautious and private person I'm not sure how this will work for me. I'm not one to give out my number to any random person, especially a guy.  So, if I do meet a hottie, what do I do? If I get his number and then call him, he'll have my number.  It's a total Catch-22. 


I'm thinking that all guys should come with papers. Seriously, wouldn't that be so great.  This way you'll get references and know if you should hightail it or not. Either that or all creeps should have a fat red stamp on their head that says "Creep." I'm thinking I may just be safer dating friends of friends. This way they will only break your heart vs. leave you lying in a ditch.  How am I going to date friends of friends with out upsetting the eco system?  This will be  the ultimate challenge.

Back to the party. The main event of the evening was dancing. I danced a little, but it was awkward.  I tried dancing with this group or that, but I just wasn't feeling it.  Then thinking about it, I'm not a touchy feely person so I wouldn't want a random guy getting all up all on me. And if I do know him, it would be from church and it would be so awkward if he's the guy who acts all preachy at church. I'd be thinking I really don't know you, do I? I know we all show a more spiritual side of ourselves at church, but I don't try to come across as holier-than-thou. If you see me in church I make sure I dress appropriate as one should when they enter the house of the lord, on the other hand I don't dress one way at church and dress totally skanky when I'm not at church. I'm a casual dresser and dress for the occasion. When you talk to me in church and really pay attention you will know I'm not putting up a front, I'll tell you like it is, I don't play games and I am who I am.  My jokes are no more off color when you are with me alone then when I'm at church. On the other hand there are some topics that are appropriate and aren't appropriate to discuss in church.

Back to dancing. When I go to church dances vs clubs I do dance a bit different when it comes to dancing with members of the opposite sex, depending on who I'm with and if they can dance and if we can actually dance together. I don't frequent clubs on a regular basis, but I occasionally like to get down with the right music and the right people.