God's perfect and he made ME

So, Me, Myself, and I started our own bible study tonight with the arrival of the book “Completely loved, Recognizing God’s Passionate Pursuit of Us.” By Sharron Ethridge.  It’s a 30-day Guide to Loving Jesus with out Limits.

Day 1: Completely Loved by: Our Creator (Genesis Chapters 1 and 2)

Q: Do I believe that when God formed me, He was pleased with His Handiwork? What does today’s passage teach me about my Creator? What might God want to teach me about myself?

Yes, I believe God created me and I also believe he is perfect, and thus I believe that he didn’t make a mistake when he created me the way that I am.  I’m not exactly sure what his plan is for me, but he must have a great vision for me to create me the way that he created me.   Personally there are many times I’d like to swap out parts of me like you can with a computer. You can swap out motherboards, graphics card, memory chip, and you can swap out your old floppy for a new DVD reader/writer.  

Since I was unable to swap out a stress less memory chip, I had to opt for getting a massage today.  Good thing he created other people to help me along this journey called life.

And since God didn’t give us foolproof bodies, he created modern technology so with that being said I also joined a gym today.   I’ve wanted to get back into working out for a while now, especially since I’m not longer swimming everyday.  They just opened a new gym across the parking lot from my work so I checked it out at lunch. It’s dinky and expensive, but out of sheer convenience I joined.  It’s a month-to-month contract so we’ll see how it goes.  It I can get a good work out in and it’s not too busy it will be money well spent.

God has taught me that he did not create us to be alone.  And thus I don’t have to everything alone. This makes me reflect on the past 2years. I was doing really well for myself in 2011 and thought wouldn’t it be nice to share the joy with someone, I just sadly chose the wrong helpmeet. Instead of Randy helping, he drained the life out of me.  I had finally recovered from being burnt out and he just drained my bucket again, leaving even deeper scares.

What do you do when you have nothing else left to give; you hope to find someone who has an overflowing resource to share.  And that is what I thought I had found in Mason.  Oh, he did help me get though the hump. He helped me battle allergy shots head on as my body fiercely rejected them. He teamed up with my dietitian and together we were able to find a workable diet for me.  My love and gratitude flowed freely as he assisted me and we had many good times together. But, what I didn’t know was he would also leave me even more scared and weathered.  He just texted me and said: “You are the most wonderful person with amazing abilities to adapt and overcome.  I listen to the trickle of the rainfall tonight and think of you.  Our destiny may not be together but, you will forever have a place in my heart.” 

God has taught me that I should never give up. There is a helpmeet out there for me. One that will blow life into me and will respect, love, and cherish me. One that will add to my bucket so it will always be overflowing and never drained dry.

Till then I will continue to work on me.  Get my life back in balance. That means scheduling me time. Time to get massages, exercise, relax, quilt, have fun, laugh, and travel. 

Women of Faith

I spent this past weekend at the Women of Faith Women’s conference. It’s a Non-Denominational Women’s Conference put annually all over the country. It was held at the local Arena that holds around 17,000 people.  This is my 2^nd year going with my neighbor. I have to say I enjoyed it much more this time then last time.  Last time I was at a different place in my life and everything was new, this year I really wanted to go and knew what to expect.

I loved being surrounded by thousands of Women who came together to better them selves and to be spiritually uplifted.  I walked away wanting more.  I want to surround myself with women like them more often.  Now the question is how do I go about it?  That is the million-dollar question at the moment. I’ve been pondering this for a few days now.  I was thinking that it would be nice to join a Women’s Bible Study Group, but I don’t know of any.   Last night I spent hours searching the web for women’s bible study groups and/or women’s ministries, but didn’t find one that drew me in. There were a few that sounded good, but they started last year. Maybe when the year begins I can join one.

I joined my neighbor many years back at hers and I stopped going because our beliefs conflicted.  So maybe a bible study with a different church may not be a good idea if our beliefs clash. That leaves me to study alone. Well, at least I’m on the right track for that. I bought a few different books by authors at the conference. 2 of the books are devotional books so that should help guide me through my own personal bible study; maybe it will be almost like having somewhere there? I doubt it, but I’m not sure what else to do.

One thing I know is God is always looking out for me. I’ve been chatting the past few days with Mason’s Mom. I was telling that I though she’d enjoy going to Women Of Faith and to my surprise she said she went back in 1997 and loved it. She also got their Women’s Bible and loved it. She then texted me today and she said her girlfriend just gave hear a devotional bible and has an extra and would love to give me one. Wow, if that isn’t an answer to my prayer then what is.  So, maybe I don’t have a local bible study to interact with, but I have many faith filled friends I can talk to.

Do I really wear that size?

Do you ever look at the tag on your clothing and are in shock at the size you wear?  Well that was me this weekend.  I chocked it up to maybe that’s just the size of “this” pair of jeans.  Then this morning I thought, “I wonder what size my slacks are.” Well to my shock they were the same size.  I guess it must be true that is my size. It’s really hard to believe that is my size and a relief too.  For the past few months I’ve been really feeling fat.  I know that sounds crazy, but I have.  I’ve done my best to talk my self out of feeling fat, but when one hears something everyday, they really start to believe it.

What is it about the boys I date/marry that they seem to be so obsessed with my weight, how I exercise and what I eat?  The reality is they are projecting their inadequacies on me. But that isn't easy to remember when one asks "Are you getting Fat" every day.  Or makes fun of your exercise routine.

SEEKING: CONFIDENT MAN who is satisfied with his body composition and works hard to keep in shape and eats healthy.

End note: Scares of abuse

Sleeping with the Enemy

I think we all have cherished the moment the “enemy” has fallen asleep and just looked at them in awe, at their angelic face, hoping to hold onto that moment just a little longer.  I use the word “enemy” loosely here. It can be that rambunctious puppy that spent his/her day eating your favorite pair of Jimmy Cho shoes, shredding your pillow, eating your remote, and or peeing on your bed.  It can be your teenager that just crashed your car, got a F in Art, ran up your phone bill, lost their cell phone, didn’t do their chores, or just talked back to you one too many times today.  It can be your 2 year old that just kept asking you why, threw a temper tantrum in the supermarket, or who colored on the wall.  It could be your newborn baby that just wouldn’t stop crying, throwing up and had so many blowouts today you lost count.

For me the enemy was my alcoholic ex-boyfriend. He’d get drunk nearly every night and would say awful things to me.  For a long time I had no idea it was due to he was drunk. At first I thought it was due to his ADD medication had worn off.  So, he changed his medication. For a little bit things got better.  I am no doctor so I really don’t know the true cause of his bad behavior. I could be a combination of the medication wearing off and the alcohol.  Or it could be the mix of alcohol and medication or just too much alcohol.  In reality the why doesn’t really matter.

I remember those nights when he’d fall asleep and I’d just lay there awake for hours snuggling up to him, holding him close hoping that moment wouldn’t end.  So, many night’s tears would just flow freely.  It wasn’t that I was sad per say, but I was just finally relaxed.  I knew that soon as he fell asleep with the aid of his cocktail of alcohol, Benadryl, and sometimes melatonin that he’d be out for good and I was safe.

I don’t miss being mistreated.  But I do miss having someone to snuggle up with at night.  Having someone to hold me in their arms to comfort me and to make me feel safe and secure.  There is no substitute for having that warm body next to you at night.  I realize now that that what I had at night was a fantasy.  It would only last a few hours before the nightmare would start all over again.  That puppy would wake up and probably eat another remote, the child will have another tantrum, and baby will wake up and continue the routine of eating and pooping yet another day.  But we will always cherish and hold on to those few minutes of bliss.

One day I know that that fantasy I used to hold onto at night will one day become a reality.  One day I will marry a man that will respect and love me and treat me with kindness.   Till then I’ll be going to bed at night a bit frustrated.  I now understand why single people have pets and sleep with them. I’m thinking that maybe I should get my own place so Belle and I can live together. She still won’t be sleeping with me at night, but at least we can cuddle on the couch together and watch a movie. 

Answers to prayers

Do you ever wonder sometimes why something happens? That’s what I’ve been wondering for the last week. It was something totally out of the blue. The dots just don’t connect and it just makes no sense.  After spending the week getting more and more frustrated I realize that in all reality it’s actually an answer to a prayer of mine. Don’t you just hate how that happens sometimes? You say a prayer and then you get exactly what you ask for.  No, that doesn’t make me any less frustrated at the situation.  Even as I look at all of the positives it’s not helping me feel any less frustrated. I did say a little/big prayer to God for answering my prayers. 

Destiny, where will it take me?

In part I enjoy my job. I’ve finally got the swing of things, which makes me not want to leave. I go in do my job and it’s relatively stress free.  Policy change is the only thing that is a guarantee with my job so that’s just part of the price. New policy gets e-mailed out, everyone goes in an uproar trying to figure out what the e-mail meant. There will always be a few interpretations and then we throw our hand sup and all go back to what we are doing. 

As you know I’m only working here on a contract that could end any day.  The last word I got was my contract will go till February 28, 2013, but with the talk of layoffs by December 2012 I highly doubt it will last that long.  So, I’ve followed the prompting of my boss and started applying for permanent positions with in the company. It’s not that I particularly want to work for this Company, but due to I have no days off, sick time ect. It’s not like I have the ability to interview anywhere else.  As I’ve looked at the available positions with in the company I got to thinking why just apply for jobs with in this building, why not apply for jobs through out the company.  So I’ve applied for a job in Carmel as I’ve thought of moving there and this would be the perfect opportunity and one in SF.   Who wouldn’t want to work in SF?  I’ve done it once and kind of liked it. The thing is they have offices all over the world. Maybe I should apply around the country?  I know I just moved and all, but what’s stopping me from picking up and moving? Absolutely nothing.  I’ve 3 times in the past 12 months and 5 times in the past 2 years.  It’s getting easier and easier every time as I get rid of more and more stuff and store more and more stuff at my parents. Yes, I do have some amazing parents. Thanks Mom and Dad.

So, here I am wondering where should I go next?  All travel plans have been put on hold for next year so I’m free to go anywhere.  Let’s see where God sends me.

Confirmation received he really is an alcoholic

Sometimes you wonder if you were imagining thing, over reaching, or just not seeing things. And then something happens and it validates what you thought was true all along.  That is what happened today.  Now that my ex-husband and I are divorced and a little time has past we’ve gone back to being really good friends. So much so that his current girlfriend got me my job.  As much as they seemed like a great match, apparently not is all well in paradise.  We’ve become good friends and she was in desperate need to talk to someone so she came to me.  This past Sunday her good friend died of alcohol poisoning.  In other words she drank herself to death. It’s a really sad story. She was so young, has a daughter who’s in her early 30’s and a new grandchild. She said they got together last year and she looked great, it didn’t appear she was ill at all.  And now here she is dead. 

She’s really concerned about my ex-husband as his drinking has gotten out of control. She knows that I left him due to his drinking so that’s why she came to me. She knows we’re still really good friends and she’s really worried about his health.  It’s so nice to be confirmed in my beliefs that he really is a working alcoholic. He’s not a social drinker. She drinks so for her it’s not all or nothing, she’ll be happy if he only drank on the weekends and or special occasions and in moderation. He’s even sneaking it around her. She said he goes through a 1.75 liter jug in two days.

I feel awful for her.  I wish I could do something.  She said it’s to the point if he doesn’t start drinking in moderation she’s going to break up with him. She’s tired of being with someone wasted. She also had me promise not to say anything to him.  The only thing I can do is pray for me that he can see the light. See what he’s doing. As we both know that with alcoholics they are the only one that can make the change. It has to come from with in. 

It’s sad to think that the last boyfriend I had was an alcoholic, my last ex was a porn addict, and this ex was also an alcoholic. The only reason the relationships ended was I wasn’t willing to live with an addict. Now I need to make sure to not get involved with another addict.  Well, it’s a sad case, but it’s also good to know that it wasn’t my imagination.