The glass is always half full

Painting by my boss, Jim Ferry

Today has been one of those days I’ve been dreading, but am happy that it’s about over.

This morning I went to the courthouse to make yet, another attempt at turning in my paperwork. I can’t believe it. The women at the window was actually knowledgeable and helpful. We think the mystery fee was a $20 fee that needed to have been paid when FL-130 (Appearance, Stipulations, and Wavers) is handed in.  Nowhere on that form does it say you need to pay $20 to turn it in and last time when I turned it in they didn’t collect the $20.  Actually the last time I was at the courthouse the person at the window refused to look at or stamp the paperwork I handed in and just wanted it as a bundle.  I knew that wasn’t the correct procedure so I divided everything up and handed her each individual piece of paper and said what needed her to stamp it and she did.  But unfortunately she didn’t attached those stamped items to the bundle so they got lost. This women on the other hand stamped them, reviewed all the papers and answered some mystery questions.  Now I’m just crossing my fingers that nothing will get lost and it will go through this time and they will be as quick as last time and I will get it back in a month saying it will be processed May 17, 2012 as requested.   I’m so glad to get this done and out of the way, but the waiting in anticipation will still weigh on me which is tough.

I’ve been so stressed lately that I haven’t gotten much sleep.  I thought it was due to going to bed late this past weekend, but the reality is I get up a dozen times during the night to potty, not that I really have that full of a bladder, but it’s something that I do when I’m stressed. I even have meds to control this, but from my experience when I’m stressed the meds don’t even work. So I’m so happy to report I only got up twice last night and you could even call it just once around 1:30. Because the second time was just abt 15 minutes before the alarm went off. So I’m happy to report that I felt much more refreshed this morning even though I am mentally drained.

Then next item on today’s agenda is a visit to the doctor. I am dreading this. I hate doctors and I hate pain.  I was in last wk for the same procedure and well, it didn’t go quite as planned so I had to reschedule and go back.  I can’t wait for it just to be over.

I feel horrible about all of my whining and complaining lately as some of my friends are dealing with much tougher life challenges. After hearing yesterday that a good friend of mine is in the hospital awaiting open heart surgery the horrible saying “it could be worse comes to mind.” I hate this saying. I am fully aware of the horrific trials my own friends are currently undergoing. For me I choose not to dwell on the negative of it could be worse.   I’m not saying I won’t pray for you or serve you in anyway I can, but I choose to look at the glass as half full. This especially goes for relationships. I don’t dwell on what I didn’t get. I hate when asked, “didn’t your ex do this or that.”  When someone says this, I think, “you’ve got to be kidding you want me to think about my ex, I’m sorry, but he is the last person/thing on my mind right now.” To be honest when I’m with you my mind may wander so if you do happen to ask me what are you thinking about you may be quite surprised. It's a good possibility that the spider web in the corner of the room caught my eye or I may be thinking about what’s for dinner. One thing I assure you is when I’m with you I’m not thinking about an ex.

Tight fisted

There are a lot of things I don’t have control of in my life, but for me I do my best to control one thing and that is money/cash flow.  With Josh the only debt we had was the house. When we got married I paid off his car and after that ever credit card was paid off at the end of the months. We never spent more then we could afford. You can thank my parents for this good trait even thought it was a bit obsessive to some, we never had to “really” stress about money and that is saying a lot due to the times we live in. I’m referring to the downturn of economy and housing crash.  I have to say at times we were jealous, as people around us were all buying new TV’s, furniture, cars.  Then we were annoyed as people stopped paying their mortgages all together and were living free till they modified their loans or lost their homes.  But we just reminded ourselves that we didn’t have to live with the stress of not knowing where we were going to live or how we were going to afford to feed our family or put gas in our car.  Not once did we have that worry. Looking back I have some regrets. We were a bit too tight with our money.  I remember one trip we too to IKEA and I nearly had a nervous break down at the check out.  I just couldn’t bear spending that much on stuff we “REALLY” didn’t need. I think we ended up putting 99% of the stuff back. Looking back at it we both laugh because the total probably came up to less then $50 but I was so hell bent on saving money that I just couldn’t do it. 

Since divorcing Josh I have changed. It wasn’t an easy change as it was so engrained in my head growing up to save every penny for the future that I was unable to really spend any thing and enjoy it. There were things I always wanted when I was with Josh, but never got due to this concept. But instead of just sitting around regretting and feeling sorry for myself I have done something about it. (And the truth is if I could go back and do things all over I would probably do it the same as it worked for us at the time. We had a good life. We never had any real wants that weren’t fulfilled and the wants I talk about now are just material things and the reality is they really aren’t that important. They aren’t the end all of life.  There are things that are far more important then these small insignificant material things.)

One thing I always wanted to do was go to Europe, but we never went, as it was so expensive. When I left Josh it rose to the top of my bucket list and I went. I don’t regret blowing all that money going, I do kind of regret taking Randy, but not too much as I got to go and that was what was important. And I have lots of amazing pictures that he’s not in, call that divine intervention, but I was able to redo my album from our honeymoon with just pictures of me and you wouldn’t even know it was a honeymoon as I didn’t have to Photoshop or even crop anyone out.  I had enough picture of Me alone that it’s perfect. In the end it really was “A trip of a Lifetime.”

Investment or Waste of Money

It is times like these that I'm so glad I read the book Freakonomics.  Life makes so much more sense from an economist's perspective.


Back Story:

Before I married Randy, he told me that I wouldn't have to work if I didn't want to and he'd financially support me from day one.  We even talked about starting a family right away. Thus I thought since he was going to financially support me he would be ok to blow my savings on our wedding and a nice honeymoon.  I knew we wouldn't have a lavish life as he was still in Pharmacy school, but he assured me I had nothing to worry about and he would take care of us. And then when he graduated from Pharmacy School in two years he had a job secured back home and we'd be sitting pretty from there on out.  Boy, did I have my head in the clouds. As it turns out soon as I left him back in Sept it turns out that he couldn't even afford food or rent and had to go to the Bishop because even his parents were unable to help him out financially.  I can’t believe how naive I was.  I am soooo thankful that I didn’t let myself get knocked up. I don’t even want to think where I would be now.

**********************************

Things pop into our minds unannounced or unplanned at times and unfortunately they may take root before we are able to shake them. This past weekend I was thinking of having to pay taxes and how after that my saving account would be totally depleted. I was getting a bit frustrated as I dragged out my financial statements yet again and a calculator to figure out exactly how much money I wasted on wedding #3 and my honeymoon.  For over an hour I vented to my roommate about my annoyance. I dug through my files trying to figure out exactly where it went, like that would bring it back or something.  Well, I am happy to say that in the end I was able to make the lemons of this whole situations look a little like lemonade.  And I'm sorry if I'm boring you with this as I've probably blogged about this several times and will probably blog about it a million more as I do my best to engrain it into my head so I can find everlasting peace with the situation. 

So, here is my conclusion. If you look at it from a cost analyst perspective you can say it cost me X for a nutritionist and therapist who have changed my life. The reality is we all ask ourselves if you can really put a price on life? Ask anyone who has lost a loved one and they will say "NO," life is priceless, so if you look at it in that sense this was very small price to pay for my own sanity and physical well being. And I got to check one more thing off my bucket list, seeing the Eiffel tower and Stonehenge.

So, yes it would be nice to still have all that money in my bank account, but what good would it do to sit on a large pile of cash if I didn’t have my sanity or health.

I am a much happier and healthier person now then I have ever been. I am not saying I wasn’t happy earlier last year as I really was. I had a wonderful life and was living life to the fullest, but the reality is I have always struggled with Depression and Anxiety and maybe, just maybe I have found the reasons behind that with the help of my nutritionist(food allergies & thyroid problems). Finally my biggest struggles with Depression and Anxiety may be put to rest. They may never go away fully, but they may finally be under control more then they have ever been.

**********************************

End Note:

And that leaves me once again mourning the lost of what should have been, but in reality I’m realizing never was.  My next career move was supposed to be to Mother and Wife.  I wasn’t supposed to be looking for a new career. 

As I was driving to work this morning I got to thinking that maybe my career move to mother and wife will be here sooner then I think. Maybe I’m so busy focused on the past and what should have been that I’m not looking at what is, right in front of me.  I have this feeling that God works in mysterious ways and everything happens for a reason.  I needed to marry Randy to obtain the resources I needed to make me who I am today and in doing so has led me to where I am today.  I have this feeling that God had no intentions of me staying with him or starting a family with him, Randy was just a stepping stone to get me where I needed to be. Looking at it that way hopefully will help me to let go and move forward.  If I look at every person and experience as a stepping-stone in life and see myself continually progressing then it makes all of the less then happy experiences worth it.

I think my roommate’s philosophy of why we are on earth is correct. We were put here to help one another. And that is exactly what has happened in my life. I have had so many people come into my life and each of them has helped mold me to who I am today. With out every one of them I would not be the me that you see today. So thank you to all of you scum bags, to the people who have abused and hurt me in my life, it is because of you that I am who I am today.  As much as I want to hate and curse you and wished I never let you into my life I have to love you and thank you for helping me get to where I am today. With out you I would not be me.

Once upon a time I was an Artist

Last night I was looking at job openings and filling out applications. It was all so overwhelming and it continues to overwhelm me. This is not where I thought I'd be right now. I should be happily married and starting my next career as a mother.  But, for some strange reason God has other plans for me.  So, here I sit, trying to piece my life together. Mourning what should have been and trying to let what is be. Not an easy task. I keep telling myself I might as well make this career move as I don't know when or if I'll ever have that family and make the career move to motherhood. I might as well build my savings back up so I can obtain those material things I desire, even thought they really aren't that important to me when I look at the big picture, but at least it gives me something to work towards.  It's those not so important material goals that gets me out of bed in the morning and off to work. You, may not be able to buy happiness, but you can buy stuff to occupy your time while you work on your other goals in life. So, unless something changes I will continue to work towards my goals of going to Thailand in Oct and buying the Tiffany Jewelry I've been coveting when the divorce is final.  In addition for my own piece of mind I'd really like to build my savings back up. It's really killing me not having that extra cushion. 

In addition to mourning my loss of what should have been, yesterday in the mail I received back some more papers from Randy that I am hoping are to the courts liking. I e-mailed them to him last week to fill our and return to me.  Then this morning I talked to my lawyer to see if they could figure out exactly what the courts think I'm missing. We think after reviewing Randy's tax returns that he really doesn't qualify to wave his fees so I had to proceed to text him and request that he bring me a check for $395 so I can turn it into the court with the returned paperwork. Having to interact with him and meet up with him makes me anxious and puts me on edge and I'm feeling a bit emotional at this time. 

Sadly my boss hasn't been feeling well so he didn't come in yesterday and I doubt he'll make an appearance today. That doesn't make me very happy. Yes, I have work to do, but I care for him and it sucks when you don't feel good. My current project consists of sorting thorough his art pictures. That is where I came across these pictures. It's hard to believe that back in 2006 I was an artist showing in a gallery.  My life was so different back then. I wasn't stressing about money and when I was getting paid or how I would be able to afford this or that. My priorities were different back then. My life consisted of running a household, taking care of yard and making a few extra bucks on the side so we could afford to go on our annual vacations. 

I have to say I've enjoyed the change of roles and being the renter verses the owner.  It's nice to not have to think about a yard that over the years has been an emotional drain on me. It's nice to wake up to and then come home to someone that isn't angry and that smiles a lot.  I'm really loving the new environment I am in. We are still working on coming up with our routiens. For now we are just living day to day trying to keep above water. He's in the process of changing jobs so his routines is all off kilter as he is training new people and then he used to go to they gym all the time but, he hasn't quite healed from snowboarding so that's been on hold. Some how I'd like to schedule in going to the gym and sewing.  But that has been on hold due to I've been so tired due to my allergies and just running around with my head cut off as I try to get this divorce processed, try my best to wow my boss daily to remind him I'm invaluable and deserve a raise, try to get a new job, spend time with friends, go to church, read to better myself, cook, laundry, sleep, go to work, and get moved in and unpacked. Yes, I know I moved in Dec 9th but, I still have a ton of stuff at Josh's and my parent's house.

Being Prepared vs Control Freak

I have mentioned that I’m a bit of a control freak in some of my blog posts, but that is probably inaccurate terminology so I though I’d better clear that up before you get the wrong idea.  I am not a control freak like my husband Randy is. I am not paranoid obsessive or controlling in a negative sense. I am not jealous or a stalker either. Things don’t always have to be my way or the highway. If you know a more efficient cost effective way let me know. I am open to new ideas.  What I mean by control freak is I like to be in the drivers seat. My parents brought me up to think for myself and to plan ahead. And plan ahead I mean be prepared for anything. My dad is the type of guy who has a whole tool chest in his trunk. You never know when you may need 4 inch nails, a hammer, duct tape, rope, pliers, screwdrivers of all sizes, leather gloves, a Maglite, etc.  Plus you should always carry a full change of clothing in the car including a winter jacket because in California you never know there might be a blizzard.   My parents also taught me to have savings for a rainy day. And I’m not saying just a few extra bills lying around the house, I’m talking about 6+ months mortgage saved up because you never know if you might get sick, injured or laid off.  In addition I also went to college and was taught to always read the fine print. So, when we bought our house I was the annoying person that read every line of that loan document, analyzed it and asked a million questions.  Our loan officer was a bit perturbed by it, but what can I say? We’re not the ones that got into one of those interest only loans or one of those loans that you had crazy balloon payments that somehow snuck up an surprised people after a few years.  Apparently those people didn't read the fine print before signing their life away.

I really need to stop saying I’m a control freak and just say that I have a tendency to be a back seat driver. 

You may think I'm a bit obsessive when it comes to being prepared, but I have to say my preparedness has given me freedoms others wished they had.

I remember those last few days before I left Randy, I kept my clothing and stuff in the car so just in case I had to leave I could. My girlfriend taught me well, she said you should always carry a “to go” bag with you.  I never anticipated using it. Things were rock for sure, but still every time I walked back into that apartment or met up with him after I unofficially moved out for a date I hoped things would be different. Call me a hopeless romantic, in all the marriages I have been though I never got married to get divorced. I never thought well, if it doesn’t work out I could just divorce him. I signed up for life, as crazy as my reasoning to get married was I was in it for the long haul.

Judge less.

I have always wanted was a tag bracelet from Tiffany. I’m not sure exactly why I wanted it or what has made them so popular over the years or in society, but for years I’ve wanted one. So, last year after ending a messed up relationship I went out and totally splurged on this over priced piece of jewelry. I wear it often to remind me of my strengths, that I am a strong independent women, that is ok to change your mind and change the direction of your life if you don’t like where it’s head it. It’s never too late to make a 360.  I used to see other girls wearing this bracelet or carrying expensive purses and think that they are frivolous, but now it may be my turn to be a little less judgmental because who knows they may have bought those items also as a symbol. So, next time you or I see someone sporting an, over priced piece of trendy jewelry or purse maybe we should not jump to conclusions because who knows it may be a symbol to them that they are a survivor. They could have survived cancer, or a terrible illness, escaped from an abusive relationship, or made the choice to not take their own life.  

Remembering what I REALLY want.

Snowboarding Jan. 14, 2012

Inspiration comes to us in different ways. Sometimes it’s a picture, a smell, something someone says, a song, movie, play, or passage from a book.  Lately for me it has been from books. A passage will just strike a cord and will inspire me and make clear something that has been so foggy in the past.  The latest revelation I blogged about came about while reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (Dec. 27, 2011 entitled Soul Mates).  I thought I had put this dilemma of sorts put to rest, but after watching the movie The Adjustment Bureau last night I’m not sure if I fully understand.  What can I say; if you had read my blog disclosure you would know that my thought process continues to evolve.  If you haven’t read it, this is a good time to read it. To get to it click the link at the top of the page. 

The other day I was wondering if I’m giving up what I want most for what I want now, when all of a sudden it dawned on me “I have no idea any more what I want most.” This movie brought back to my remembrance what I want most.  It reminded me of an experience I had back in March of 1996, which left me knowing what I wanted most.  Off and on for the past 16 years I have been working on obtaining this, but as you all know life has a tendency to get in the way and even with the best plan and intentions we may not always be able to achieve the goals we most desire on “OUR” timeline.

Talking with my roommate last night I wonder if I really had gotten so off track the last 16 years in achieving my goal or did God have another plan for me. I say this because of a comment my roommate made; he said, “I should have been here 10 years ago.”  What he was referring to was his career path, his career was greatly effected by the crash of the dot.com and the economy.  I then looked at the last 10-16 years and wondered if things really did get so off track for either of us or are we just so hell bent on having things go as we want it, that we believe we are off track.  I’m really beginning to believe the latter as I am not even close to the person I was 16 years ago. Through lots of crazy life experiences that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone I am who I am today.

He commended to me on how impressed he was that after 3 marriages I came out on top. I am not your typical woman. I am stronger, more independent, more mature and overall happier person then I was 16 years ago. I couldn’t be who I am today with out those experiences.

It amazes me at how easily and often I forget something so important to me.  Now that I remember hopefully I won’t forget this time. I have a good feeling that I may actually be getting what I was promised/shown 16 years ago.  It’s not how I imagined it, but maybe that’s been my problem all along I have tried to navigate my life on my own and have not depended enough on God to lead my life.  So, here I am now, surrendering.  For a control freak like me giving up control is one of the hardest things.

New Year's Resolutions

 Did you sit down Dec. 31^st and come up with some amazing things you plan to do this year? If so it’s day 12. How are you sticking to it?  As for me I didn’t sit down and write out a bunch of unobtainable goals. Instead on the right side of my blog I started a list of my goals. Things I want to do, places I want to go, and things I want to buy.  The nice thing about having them on my blog I review them often, others see them so I’m accountable and they aren’t in ink so I can revise them anytime I please.

I’m happy to report I’ve been able to check of the first thing on my list. I finally got to see a Cirque de Soleil show. It wasn’t the Vegas show “O,” but that is ok. You can’t complain when the ticket is a gift. The show was nothing like I expected.  Back in 2000 I saw Journey of a Man, the 3-D cirque du soleil Movie and loved it. I love the acrobatics and the music.  This show had some acrobatics, but it was mostly dancing and singing.  And the music was totally different. This show was a tribute to Michael Jackson. I’m not a die hard MJ fan, but he is  my era and I do enjoy his music. Over all I have to say the show was amazing.  It was fast pace, kept my attention and upbeat. A good combination of fast and slow songs. My only complaint was it was a little loud.  It’s a very pricy show, but I have to say it’s worth the price of admission and I look forward to seeing another show in the future.

2wks ago my WEAVE class was on healthy communication and behavior. It went over: Passive, Passive/Aggressive, Aggressive, and being assertive.  Since then I have been working on being more assertive. I grew up learning to be passive aggressive and know that is not a very healthy way to be and have been activity trying to change that.  Since I’ve been living with my roommate it’s been a little awkward. He’s very assertive and shares his thoughts and feelings freely. In the past I have the tendency to share too much and make people feel awkward and uncomfortable I’ve been biting my tongue and just listening and taking it all in.   As I don’t want to overwhelm him or make him feel uncomfortable as things I say don’t always come out how I mean them.  During class I worked on some “I” statements and came up with some things I wanted to say. When I got home I waited for just the right time to present them and I did and it was a success. He was caught a little off guard as I was actually speaking up and was doing it in such a concise and clear matter. He understood what I was saying and why I was saying it and agreed to not say keep saying or bringing up the things that were bothering me. After that interaction I feel more confident in being assertive. On Sunday I gave it another try and again it was a success, I didn’t offend him and he was once again impressed by my presentation.

On Wednesday night we got into another discussion. Or shall I say I asked him a question and he answered and I was a bit bewildered by his answer.  Maybe that put it lightly. I seriously wanted to pack up and move out and cry, not sure what order, but that is what was running through my head. It was around 11pm and we were both half awake and I know that is not the best time to have a deep discussion so I tried my best to hold back my tears, let go of my thoughts and just go to sleep. It was tough to not speak and just relax. In addition his mind was going a million miles a minute and he was jabbering about this and that, and I had to tell him to just quite his mind and go to sleep too.   On my drive to work I thought about what he said and what I wanted to say. When I got to work I spend about an hour writing down my thoughts and feelings.  I did my best to edit it down so it was concise and to the point .  I kept everything in “I” statements and ended up with 3 pages typed.  I then set that aside and focused on work.  After work I had my class and then returned home around 7:30 and we proceeded to make dinner.  Actually we worked together to make my dinner as he already ate.  I thought that was very sweet of him as I told him I would just be happy to eat leftovers. After the kitchen was cleaned I sat down on the couch and told him I wanted to talk now that we are awake and alert as after last night we had agreed not to have any serious conversations late at night. I told him that after he got on his soap box last night I wanted to pack up and move out and cry, but voted that it would be better to just go to sleep. I then told him that I thought about it on my way to work and I wrote it all out when I got to work so I could put it aside, focus on work and come back to it now. He said he was very impressed and he isn’t easy to impress, just ask his friends.  When he was ready he joined me on the couch and proceeded to read him what I wrote. He assured me that it was ok if I got emotional as I read it and he wasn’t going to be upset and I was free to share my feelings with him and it wouldn’t change things between us. He listened intently and let me finish what I had written. When I was done he said that I inspired him and that is not something any girl has ever done and I actually brought tears to his eyes. He was amazed and impressed on my ability to share my feelings so clearly and concise. 

It wasn’t easy for me to share, as what I want on the surface is so different then what he wants, but in the end what we want is the very same thing. Either way this is a real deal breaker for me.  I think that by my explaining/presenting it the way I did it may change his perception on it, but we will have to see. The discussion is still open and it’s a tough one as even if we can find a consensus, outside forces can still greatly affect the outcome.  And that is the big issue at hand here. It all has to do with outside influences and how much they have a hold on us and how much we will let other people rule our lives. And our ability to stand up for what we want with out offending outside parties. This is a hard one when that party is your parents. No one wants to rock the boat when it comes to family and if you have always been one who needs approval from your family it’s hard to do things they don’t approve of.  My idea is for him to educate your parents, but he knows them better then me and is convinced that will be impossible as they are set in their ways.  I can’t argue with him on that as he has 38 years of experience dealing with his parents.  I do have a lot of faith in God, that all will work out as he planned it, but I don’t want to make the same mistake as I have in the past and keep looking at the world through rose-colored glasses.  This is one of my greatest blessings and one of the things that has brought me the most heartbreak. I see people’s flaws, but I also see their potential and I see myself being with them in this potential state. So when my roommate got on his soapbox the other night it was a kick in the head, and I told him that. I told him that I needed that I need him to slap me in the face(of course not literally) and say this is the way I am, take it or leave it because I’m not changing.

God has given me this great gift to see everyone’s potential and to be in tuned with them to help them achieve it.  This goes along with my post-entitled Soul Mates, posted Dec. 27, 2011.   I loved him so much, but the problem was I loved the person who I knew he could become and not the person he was right then and there. And he knew that. He could see into me as much as I could see into him and it broke his heart, as he was unable to be that person now that I loved and yearned to be with.  He loved me also, he loved me so much that he let me go as he knew he couldn’t be the person I deserved. And that was hard thing for both of us, but in the end it broke my heart twice, but I also appreciate that he was man enough to let me go. He knew he had to be then one to let me go as he knew I would continue loving him and never let go. I still love him. I always will. I know that one day he will see the light and become the man I saw within him.

That puts me at now.  I need to figure out what to do. (1) Do I live with the faith that things will work out as God planned it however that may be? Things may or may not go as “I” planned it.  (2) I run away and do my best to orchestrate things so they are exactly how I think I want them.

Looking at it from that perspective it makes the choice quiet obvious. Unless I believe I know more then God, which I don’t (1) looks like the most obvious choice.  I’ve tried and struggled for 36 years to orchestrate my life and look where that has gotten me. A lot of learning experience. Now I’m on a path that I didn’t plan, it’s not following my time lime and I am very happy.  It’s taken me 36 years or trial and error to get me to where I am not and has made me who I am now.

You may think I am a loose cannon at times, jumping in to one relationship after another, but it’s one way to learn lessons fast. If not for my 3 marriages it may have taken me to 60 or 70 to learn all I have learned. In 36 short years I have learned so much.

My 1^st marriage taught me that I never want to be hit and that it took me 6 months to learn and get out of that. My 2^nd marriage taught me a number of lessons. Too many to list. And my 3^rd Marriage was a living hell for 4 months (I know that I will have lifelong scars from that, I do cross my fingers that by going to WEAVE, getting counseling and being around healthy loving people those scars will not effect me for life, but that is an unknown, since I can’t change the past and it’s not help to sit around and regret and go with if, I have to live by faith that everything happens for a reason and live looking at the gifts everything brings), but in a short 4 months I came out a new person. I am glad that I didn’t date him for a year then get married as then I would have wasted a couple of years on him. In the end I look at him like paying the stock market, he was a short 4-month investment that changed my world. Yes, it was a living hell and I wouldn’t wish being married to someone with a porn addiction, or any type of addiction for that matter, but with out his addiction I would have never found the counselor I had, not been diagnosed with PTSD and found the nutritionals that has changed my life. The Nutritionist finally diagnosed my thyroid condition, found food allergies I would have never guessed and now I feel better then ever.   It’s been a tough journey and I keep following up with the Nutritionist as she tweaks my diet and supplement intake and it seems to be working.

 I’m coming to learn that by keeping in tuned to God and consulting him in all things, life may not turn out how “I” want them to but that’s ok, God has a bigger and better plan for me.  I just need to remember that and keep following his small promptings what ever they may be.

Cirque de Soleil Tonight

Today should be a happy day.  Or shall I say yesterday should have been a happy day as I look forward to today.  For some strange reason I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for today so looking forward to today wasn’t all so pleasant.   I know bad timing, but this was the first available appointment and I wanted to get in ASAP so I could figure out if there was something wrong or my abnormal was normal. And just to let you know my abnormal is normal.  But it was still an awful experience. I’m just not a fan of doctors and being poked and prodded. In addition I had this procedure done 5 yrs ago and it was a horrific experience and it was no better today and just like last time I’ll have to reschedule and come back for them to complete it, ugh.  So anticipating that and then going through that just made me anxious and left me in tears as I was in horrific pain. Just to let you know I feel much better, but don’t look forward to returning in a wk for her to do it again, but hopefully next time it will be a success and I won’t have to be back any time soon.

Back to tonight. I’m finally going to see the Cirque show that I’ve been dying to see forever.  Unfortunately things took a turn down last night. To add to it I’m totally exhausted. My roommate sounds miserable due to allergies and that makes me think that my exhaustion is probably due to allergies too. I’m literally a walking zombie. It’s not that I’m up late, I’m just totally drained and it’s so frustrating. I’m tired of being tired.  My roommate is doing my best to comfort me, letting me know that I don’t need to be energetic all of the time and to just take it easy, but I’m still frustrated. I’ve had allergies all of my life and spend most of the year a walking zombie due to it and I’m tired of it. I still remember coming back from Bali and going from energetic to felling so whipped out.  And that is the problems it’s not creeping up on me this time as it has in the past. This is the second time this year that I realize that I used to have energy and now I’m exhausted.  In the past I was just tired all of the time, but don’t recall not being that way. So, having something and taking it away is worse then never having it at all.

To add to my newly realized exhaustion I got my divorce paperwork returned to me last night. And I was feeling good last night till I got the call from Josh saying “You Got Mail.” I was tired after work, but was able to successfully run some errands and got exactly what my roommate wanted for his Birthday which is Wednesday, and better yet, I bought it at REI so if it’s not perfect he can return it whenever.  I have to say that is one thing I love about that store, they have a lifelong return policy.

Back to the divorce paperwork: I can’t believe it.  This was the whole reason I paid a lawyer, so I wouldn’t have to deal with the paperwork being kicked back.  On the other hand I am pretty impressed to get it back so soon. Last time they waited over 3 months to tell me it was wrong so I guess I should feel happy that it’s back so soon and hopefully then when I get it back to them it will be processed and in 3 months I’ll have it all done.  The paperwork arrived at Josh’s house as that was where I was living when I turned it in so I didn’t know exactly what it said till this morning. So I stressed and cried about it all last night. My poor roommate who has been stuffed up and sniffling and feeling more miserable everyday due to allergies had to deal with a roommate who kept crying and who was tired and frustrated.  In addition while at my girlfriend’s the other day I was talking to her husband and he said to send me a copy of my resume so he can forward it to a friend of his who is a director in one of the state departments. I was excited about that, but I also feel stressed about trying to get it done now as it’s still in the process.

Back to the divorce paperwork. I reviewed their checklist of what is missing and all of those papers have been turned in, one was returned to me and the other wasn’t. I’ll have to schedule another appointment with the lawyer to see if they can figure out what is really missing. This sure is getting expensive and continues to be stressful. I know it will get done eventually, but I just want it done and over with. I don’t want to have to interact with Randy anymore. Every time I do it’s an ordeal. I know I need to take control and not let him effect me, but it’s hard.  He just has this way of pressing my buttons and I let him get the best of me.  Hopefully I won’t have to go back to him and request additional paperwork because I know he’ll only argue with me about how he doesn’t need to fill it out, turn it in, etc.

Sorry for the scattered post, but as you can tell I’m not thinking straight due to exhaustion due to allergies and not feeling so well physically and emotionally. Just a lot of stress going on right now. I do look forward to my show tonight. I’d better hurry home so I can get there on time.