Nostalgia

Sept. 30, 2008, Sutter's Fort

2008, At the happiest Place on Earth

Some times nostalgia (From Wikipedia: a yearning for the past, often in idealized form) sneaks in and I miss my little girl.  Maybe I'll go visit her this weekend.  It's nice that I have the option to visit her any time I like as having her live with me isn't really an option as we both have allergies.  And the reality is as much as I miss my little girl having her around is a lot of work.  So, for now I'll just go on being nostalgic and miss her on occasion.

It's not DRAMA it's ADVENTURE

How you react to things has to do with how you perceive them.  You can be annoyed by someone because they seem to complain to you all the time. Or you can listen to them and appreciate that they let you into their lives and share.  Your can get overwhelmed and feel like your world can be turned upside down because plans keep changing or you can be thrilled that your life is full of adventure.

My life is one full of adventure at every turn. Those in my life either embrace the fun or take a leave of absence.

When I first moved into my new place Mason said: "I'm needy, demanding, and worth it."  He continually reminds me that I'm worth it too.  Life hasn't been easy for us since I've moved in, but for all of our trials we have gone through we still think the other is worth it and that is what keeps us going.  Along with we continually make the other laugh and it's also the special little things we do for each other.

Sometimes it's better to Dream

Life has been tough these past months and it's gotten worse over the past 6 weeks. So to keep from going crazy I watch lots of movies, read, and day dream about the future when I'm not sleeping.

I once again live down the street from the public library.  So I've been frequenting there quite a bit.  My favorite section is the large print section. Reading books printed in large print really makes a difference when you're drowsy from being drugged up on Benadryl.  I don't have a favorite author as of yet. If you have any ideas for quick reads that won't make me cry I'd love for you to share. I love books that make me laugh out loud and Mason loves hearing me laugh.  He's not so fond of having to comfort me after reading a sad story.

Mason has netflix so that has been keeping me busy as we don't have cable.  I haven't had much success with finding movies, but I am currently watching the TV series Miss. Marple and enjoying it.

As for daydreams. Someday I'd like to wear one of these dresses.  I have no idea what the occasion would be. I guess I could get married in the winter and wear it as a wedding dress, but I'm not sure I'm so fond of a red wedding dress. Maybe I'll find a ball to go to.

Other times I dream about traveling. With my special diet and job uncertainty it's a bit of a challenge to do anything more then just dream. 

If you didn't hear I got notice on Feb. 10th that my boss couldn't keep me on.  I started applying for jobs on Feb 16th and I've been going on between 1-3 interviews a week since Feb. 24th.  But even with all that I still haven't been offered a job. The good thing is my boss keeps asking me to come in and keeps paying me so it's not the end of the world yet.   

Every Sunday I check the travel section and drool. This weekend they featured local lighthouses, so I clipped that page and gave it to Mason to add to ideas of places I want to visit.

Sunday he asked me if I'd like to go camping this summer. I said yes, and let him know that I'd really like to visit some waterfalls. He pulled up the local waterfalls with hikes marked easy so it looks like this dream will come true.  He also suggested camping near the lighthouse.

According to Sunday's paper Pigeon Point Lighthouse is the most photographed lighthouse in CA. Located 50 miles south of San Francisco near the tiny town of Pescadero, the light has been warning mariners since 1872. The tower is one of the tallest on the West Coast.


As they say Diamonds are a girls best friend, so I sometimes dream about the next kind of Diamond I want.  This is what I have come up with so far.

Other times I dream of Paris.  Sometime I want to make it back to Vegas and see O and the Chippendales.  I'd also like to take a ride on a gondola in the Venetian and take some perfect pictures with the Eiffel tower in the background.

Dreams of the future is what keeps me going.

3 weeks and counting...Here I come Tiffany's

I had no idea they had leather goods. Maybe I'll splurge and get this. Something I'll carry with me  all the time.

Many of us bargain with our kids or were bargained with as a kid. If you get straight A’s on your report card I’ll give you $5.  Or if you get your Eagle Scout you can get your Driver’s License. 

Due to the uncertainty of my employment status I may have to settle for something a little less expensive.

Some of us bargain with ourselves.  If I lose 15lbs by summer I’ll buy myself a new suit.  If I got to the gym for 7 days in a row I’ll treat myself to frozen yogurt. If I get all my homework done by Friday I’ll go out clubbing on Saturday.

The item I had in mind when I made the promise to myself. 

For me I promised I’d treat myself to something at Tiffany’s when my divorce came final.  This way instead of focusing on what I lost, I focus on what I’m getting.  Now the questions is what will I get myself. There are so many choices.  So far I have narrowed it down to the 3 pictured.

Money can't buy happiness, but can pay for new memories

Last year this time things were so different I was single and living in my own apartment for the first time in my life. I had a steady job. I was getting ready to go to Scotland and looking forward to going to Bali. I was finally traveling to exotic places and had the whole world ahead of me.

Paris Las Vegas

In a month another chapter of my life will come to a close and a new one will “Officially” begin.  I’m having a tough time letting go and moving on. For some reason this past year keeps flashing thought my head. I have tried so hard to let go of the hurt, anger, and pain, but that is so much easier said then done.  I think it’s a combination of my body being out of whack due to the trauma I’m putting my body through as I get these allergy shots out of the way and just the timing.  I keep thinking about this past year and all of the money I spent.  I know money can’t buy happiness on the other hand it can do a lot.  For one, if I had the money I’d go back to Europe and do it all again on my own this time.  Make new memories and hopefully those will replace the bad ones. I don’t know if it would work, but I’m willing to give it a try.  But I’m too practical to waste my money like that. Being the practical frugal person I am I’m going to have to come up with a cheaper alternative to rid me of these nightmares.

Venetian, Las Vegas

What will that be? I’m not really sure.  I still dream of traveling. I just can’t get it off of my mind. I want to go see the world, I want to go to Oriental NC and see the quaint little town it is, I want to take a bike ride in New England in the fall, I want to go to Thailand in Nov with Julia and Swim in a warm waterfall, I want to go to Fiji and stay in a cute little hut, I want to see the Pyramids of Egypt, I want to stay in a beach house for a week and listen to the ocean as I fall asleep at night.

Maybe next time I get married I’ll get married in Vegas at the Paris hotel or Venetian and take millions of amazing pictures.  It’s not the same thing, but not a bad alternative as all I really want now is pictures. Call me cheezy, but I want my happily every after, my fairy tale. I know life will never be perfect, but there will be perfect moments. 

Living the dream

Some of you may recognize this picture as being taken on my _________. When I look at this picture I see myself living out my dreams. For a very long time I've wanted to go to Europe. Looking back in my 2002 journal I talked about traveling. I had researched a tour company called Contiki. They cater to Vacationers from 18-35.  I thought this would be a great way to travel alone with out being totally alone. Life happened and I never made it to Europe till last year. Finally I let go of my over frugal nature and spent my life saving and went to Europe. I did it all. I climbed the Eiffel tower, I visited Stonehenge and took a gondola ride in Venice.   Sadly Europe turned out to be nothing like the movies. I wasn't swept off my feet in Paris, the company was barley tolerable, and nothing looked as cute and quaint as I imagined, but that's ok. I did what I accomplished to do and that is what I focus on.  (I climbed the Eiffel tower, I visited Stonehenge and took a gondola ride in Venice.)  This picture is the wallpaper on my phone. When I look at it I see a strong amazing women that can do what ever she sets her mind to. Seeing this picture helps keep me motivated to move forward and to not let anything get me down.  I have also learned that as important as money is, hoarding it does not bring happiness. (At the same time having a large savings is good to as it can bring peace of mind knowing that if you get sick, injured, or loose your job the mortgage can be paid.  Thus it is a good thing that I still have some savings as I have no idea when my job will end.) So, why not enjoy it and all that it can provide.  Don't get me wrong I'm not about to blow it all, but at the same time I'm not going to deprive my self either. Being on this new diet is expensive, but I know that doing it will be worth it in the long run so for now all of my money is going towards food.  I'm getting more adventures and with that I'm buying more food items that I can eat. It's not easy for me as at times I feel it's a total waste of money, but then I have to evaluate the "quality of life." And when I do I realize that I might as well make the best of it. So, with that I'm learning to cook with Agave Nector, almond, coconut, and tuff flour. I'm also exploring more recipe books. It's tough to find recipes that I can use. As 99.9% of the gluten free recipes use ingredients I can't have.  I spent hours the last few nights sifting through recipe books from the library and out of the 20 some books I have read through I have only found 4 books that have recipes that I can use.  I guess I should just be thankful that I didn't have to buy all of those books.

I still dream of traveling and wonder where should I go next. As of now all travel is on hold due to my job uncertainty and the concern of how I am going to hold to my diet being on the road.  The later part really sucks and really concerns me. It seem so unfair.  Will I ever be able to travel again? I was really hoping to go to Thailand in November, but now I don't see that as possible.

All I have to say is I am sooooo thankful that I went to Bali this last year.  It really made up for my Europe experience. It was an amazing trip and to tell you the truth I fulfilled even if I never do make it to Thailand this year. Bali was amazing. Janice my roommate was above and beyond the best ever. I doubt I could ever top that trip. So, why not stop when I'm ahead. Some day I will make it to New England, but if that doesn't happen for awhile that is ok. You have to have something to dream of and look forward to.

Modern Technology is Amazing

1930 Screen shot of Home Video

Modern Technology is Amazing and some technology isn’t so modern as I’m coming to find out.  I just spent yesterday watching home movies from 1928 of my Boss’s Family.  My boss is 78 years old so these were taken before he was born.  The home movies were of his parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I saw many videos of Marie, his 81 year old cousin. I saw a video of her at her baptism(see picture to the left) and then others of her at 5, 6, 7 months, then I saw her learning to walk.  It was adorable. 

I wonder to myself if people were making home movies way back then how come there aren’t any home movies of me growing up?

Then last night we watched the movie P.S. I Love You.  The only thing the young widow had to hold on to was pictures, memories, and his voice on his voice mail.  I think how sad is that that they didn’t have any videos.

Last year’s goal was to take more photos. Now I think I need to start taking videos and it’s not like I need to go out and buy a special camera. My little point and shoot that my boss got me last year takes great videos and so does my phone.  Hopefully soon I will start posting video clips along with pictures.

Celiac Disease or is it?

Don't worry I'm not starving. There is still a lot I can eat.

I’ve been seeing this nutritionist since around September last year. My psychologist suggested I go in hopes she could help me with my moods since I haven’t had much success over the years with various RX.  After a battery of tests she concludes that I have Celiac Disease,gluten sensitivity and I should avoid certain foods as they may be the cause of my mood disorder.  After learning this I proceeded to eliminate: gluten, grain, soy, dairy, corn, rice, potatoes, and tapioca from my diet.  I figure why not give it a try and see if what she says is true and those foods are really effecting my moods.

Here I am 6 months later plugging away on the same diet wondering if it’s just a hoax. I mean it’s not like I break out in hives when I eat any of these foods or go into anaphylactic shock.  And to be honest with everything going on in my life I have so many variables how do you really attribute my moods to any one factor.

To name a few variables: My many moves and the different environment associated with each move, recovering from the moves, being abused and living in fear, dealing with the courts, anxiety and fear with dealing with Randy, allergies, stress at work, getting laid off and looking for a job, stressing about money, and allergy shots.

For the most part it’s pretty easy to stick to the diet as long as I avoid going out to eat.  Over the last month I’ve been slowly adding baked goods to my diet as I experiment with Almond flour and agave nectar.  For some reason when you aren’t allowed to have something you seem to have a tendency to crave it. And I seem to have a little more time on my hands to bake. Or shall I say I’m so stressed out that baking gives me something to focus on and possibility I can see instant results as with the rest of my life I’m having to practice an over abundance of patience. The thing that is beginning to eat at me is the high cost of ingredients and the impending lack of income due to my being laid off.  And just the stress of having to think can I eat that or not and people wanting to take me out to eat.

I was referred to this nutritionist from a reliable source so I don’t want to totally disregard all she has said, but I really wonder if what she said is true or am I just wasting my energy and money on trying to hard to stick on my diet.  

My poor body has really taken a beating these past 3 months.  And as much as I try to suck it up and smile, the seams are wearing thing and things are just bubbling out.  Sadly I have cried myself to sleep the past few nights.  My body just can’t handle this much stress physically and mentally. It’s just too much.  I’m still plugging away at work, hoping that I will get paid for another day. I keep going to interviews, smiling and trying to say all the right things.  And I keep enduring these allergy shots even though they are killing me.  I have been going biweekly till the 12^th of March when I broke out in horrible hives.  Thankfully lots of Benadryl kept me well enough that I didn’t have to visit the ER. Then I went back the following Monday and got another shot with a much lower dosage.  To my dismay I broke out in hives again, not as bad this time and that may only be due to taking lots of Benadryl right away.  These allergy shots just aren’t agreeing with me anymore. They were just annoying and made me irritable to a controllable point, but now they are past that and it reminds me of why I quit them last time.  Mason thinks I should quit them till things are more stable in my life.  Maybe he’s right, but I’m so close that I don’t want to give up.  If I stop now I’ll have to do them all over again, you can’t just stop and pick up later you have to start back at square 1. (I’ve already endured 36 shots I don’t want to have to do that all over again. It wasn’t fun the first time. ) With if in a month they will be done and my allergies will be better and then I will only have to go in every 2-3 weeks. The question is can we make it that long.  Can my body endure it for that long and can Mason be patient with me for that much longer.

37 down and a whole life ahead of me

Birthday’s are a good time to reflect on all that one has accomplished and a time to set a plan in motion as to where to go next.

37 years is a lot to reflect on, so I’ll just concentrate on the last 12 months.

Here are just a few of the things that I have embarked on since this time last year.

At work I designed, edited, and published 7 books for my boss.

Visited Bali, Scotland, and Europe.

Went sledding my first time as an adult.

Went snowshoeing for the first time.

Flew to Vegas to see a friend, the after a horrible experience walked out and got my own room at Paris.

Saw my 1^st Cirque du soleil show

I got married for the 3^rd time.

Attended my 1^st 12 step meeting to support my addict husband.

Lived with an addict and learned a lot about addiction and realized his actual addiction wasn’t his worst trait.

After enduring 5 months of severe emotional abuse I left my husband.

Completed a 15-week course for battered women.

I also learned that even with out the addiction he’d still be abusive.

Lived in 4 places and moved 3 times.

Took up snowboarding.

Changed my entire diet to be free of: gluten, grain, soy, dairy, corn, rice, potatoes, and tapioca.

Embarked on allergy shots once again. In 47 days I will have endured 36 shots. I should be done today, but on the 12^th of March I had a horrible allergic reaction so they cut back and I’m crossing my fingers I’ll be done with bi-weekly shots by the end of April and then I’ll start going every 2-3 weeks.

Since Feb 14^th I have applied for about 145 state jobs and have had 4 interviews and have 2 more set up. I’m hoping and praying that I’ll find the perfect job for me.

That makes 37 years down and a whole life ahead of me. 

Next on the agenda:

Go skydiving with Dad

Complete allergy shots

Get a job with the state.

Go to Thailand with Julia in November 2012

Embracing Commercialism

Valentines Day is not everyone’s favorite day. Many have a love hate relationship with Valentines Day.  I agree that it’s not nice that restaurants jack up the prices on Valentines Day and require you to order from a set menu and florist double the price of flowers.  With that said we have a choice we can despise the holiday and be a cynic, say it’s just a “Hallmark Holiday,” and complain about commercialism or we can embrace it and join in on the fun.  It takes more energy to hate then to love.  So, I choose to embrace the sometimes-ridiculous cupids that you see hanging in the windows before Christmas and the over priced trinkets with hearts and sappy sayings.   Who doesn’t like a little romance?  It’s the one time a year that I embrace getting flowers deliver to me at work.  Or shall I say if I’m in a relationship I EXPECT flowers to be delivered to my work on Valentines Day.  I know it’s over priced, but I deserve this little jester from the one I love for everything I do for him all year long.  I don’t expect to be taken out to a fancy restaurant for dinner as I don’t drink alcohol and all the set menus include it and on my special diet it’s just tough to eat out.  But, I do expect a good home cooked meal and I’ll even help making it. 

This year I’m in-between relationships so I wasn’t really expecting anything for Valentines Day.  So, when I went down stairs on Valentines Day this year I was happily surprised to see a balloon attached to a little Happy Valentines Sign, hand decorated.  My roommate went to a lot of work to surprise me, as I’m usually the first one downstairs in the morning.  I felt even more spoiled that evening when he made me lobster tail and steak for dinner.  I have to add I loved my gift too and all the effort he put into decorating the gift box.  It was exactly what I wanted.  There is a funny story to that as well.

For his birthday I asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said he wanted red reflective snowboarding goggles.  I was busy with work and overwhelmed with life so I told him to do the research and let me know exactly what he wanted.  Well, he did the same approach with me for Valentines Day. He suggested Jewelry and I told him I like hearts so he suggested a Ruby heart pendant.  We went on line and looked at a few, but it’s really hard to tell what they look like so he sent me to the store to look around. I found one at Kohl’s that I liked.  I told him and he went on their website and picked 3 and to my surprise one of those 3 was the one that I liked.  I have to say he has really good taste.

I have to say that he was even more thrilled with his gift.   I got him something that he’s been wanting for over a decade, but never wanted to fork out the money to get. And it wasn’t that it was an expensive gift, it was just more of a want then a need.  So I made extra brownie points in his book, with the least expensive gift I will probably every buy.

It's not just a Lawn Mower.

To you it may just look like a guy fixing a lawn mower, but to me it's so much more.  When you are getting to know someone you want to see how they react in different environments and under unusual circumstance. So even thought my roommate was frustrated that once again he has to take apart his lawn mower, I on the other hand smiled as I thought "how will he deal with the situation."  I have to say after a few hours of fiddling I was very impressed. The lawn mower was working again and there was no sign of an anger management issue. Unfortunately there is no "Good Citizen" test for people, only for dogs.  I'm happy to say that my little girl has one, now to see if the men in my life can pass the same tests. Unfortunately it's not as easy as taking them to the AKC to get tested, instead you have to wait for circumstances to arise to see how they act/react.

After living together and cooking dinner together for over two months we finally realized that neither of us are fond of bell peppers. We have been putting them in our vegetables to give them color.  Thus for the price of Red Bell Peppers, next time we're going to try substituting them for carrots, this will give us the color and will bring down the cost significantly.