I have always been one to take what I have been given and not ask for more. I used to get teased as a kid because I was an only child and they'd say "You're spoiled." Yes, it is true that I got most everything I ever asked for and wanted, but the reason for that was I was taught early on not to want or ask for more then I could have. For the most part I have kept the cards I have been dealt and rarely have I ever thrown back a card and requested a new one. I have spent most of my life being a doormat, just taking it and not fighting back.
Today is a new dawn and I am here once again trying to reclaim my life. I am done being walked all over and being treated like dirt. I am not going to go down this time with out a fight. I am done dating dorks, geeks, and losers. I am going to fight for what I want in all aspects of my life.
The first step was realizing my life was really crappy and it wasn't all my fault, I was in an abusive relationship, and I needed to get out. The second step was filing for divorce. And the third step has been to get my own place. It's been a challenge. I am so paranoid about money and never having enough I strongly considered living in a really crappy place and/or having roommate. But it finally came to me that for once in my life I need my own place, somewhere I can call home that I will look forward to going home to at the end of the day. I am so looking forward to moving into my new place. Yes, it's way out of my initial price range and it's really stretching my budget, but some how I am going to make it work.
Back to dating. I am finally done dating the undesirable population. For years I thought I had nothing to offer so I dated who ever looked my way. I wasn't picky. I've never been one to chance after a guy. It has taken me forever to realize I am pretty. It's not that I thought I was the ugliest girl on the block, but I never realized that I was pretty to the people that mattered. I have never dated or tried to date the "hot" guy, because I never thought he'd give me the time of day. It was kind of by my dumb luck that I found out a guy that I think is totally hot thinks the same about me. It's been a real confidence builder. With this new confidence boost I'm going to keep my eyes out for more "hotties" and make my way their direction. It has also a confidence boast talking to a good friend of mine who finally told me that I did turn lots of heads in a singles group back in the day. If only I knew that then, I might of actually had more self-confidence and tried to make myself more available so just maybe one of the guys back then that I though was hot would of given me the time of day. Instead I shied away and hid behind friends not giving anyone a chance to ask me out.
On the same note of dating, I'm also going to go out of my way to choose friends that I like. I am going to go out of my way to make friends with those people of my choosing instead of just taking the leftovers. I am going to seek to spend time with those people that make me want to be and help me become a better person. People that I enjoy spending time with, have fun with and laugh a lot with. People I can also be spiritual with that can carry on deep meaningful conversations. I want to be friend with others that area also the full package or who are actively trying to get there.
I am going to spend more time doing what I enjoy. I'm not sure what that is, but I'll figure it out. I will try and explore new things and figure out what I enjoy doing in my spare time and in turn make more time to do those things. It's hard to believe but, I really don't know what I enjoy doing. I know what I used to enjoy doing and what I used to enjoy eating, but I continue to evolve and a lot of those things that I have done for years and enjoyed eating for years, I've realized that my tastes have changed. I used to hate spicy foods and now I love them. Well, maybe not too spicy, but food has to have some flavor. I still love cinnamon rolls, but those that they sell a the state fair and in the mall just aren't as good as I remember them. I used to love home made whole wheat bread with honey on it, but for some reason it just doesn't do it for me anymore. I love ice cream, but only sometimes, I really have to be in the mood for it. I still love cherry pie, when it's good, not all cherry pie is good. I enjoy being active, but not fond of being out at dusk because I get bitten by mosquitoes and hate putting on bug spray, on the other hand depending on the company and activity I just might join in. I'm not a fan of water slides, but I love the lazy river. I've gone rollerblading a few times, but would love to do it on the trails more and see if I really enjoy it. I used to love dancing, but I went a few weeks ago and was frustrated. I used to love the west coast swing, I would love to take a refresher course and see if I still enjoy it. And there are still a ton of things that I've always wanted to do but have never tried or tried once or twice, but not sure if I like it such as: surfing, skateboarding, snowboarding, swimming in a warm waterfall, sky diving, riding a bull, four wheeling, race car driving, traveling to europe and other distant destinations, fencing, paint balling, shooting a gun, being a spy, working for the CIA, ice blocking, caving, biking (I can ride a bike, but never done much biking), etc.
I am done being gossiped about, hated by those who are jealous of me, and hated by those who just need someone to hate, because something in their life just isn't right. I'm done being picked on being told to my face not nice things. I can't change what people say about me, but I can change my attitude and how it affects my life. I can stop holding everything in and speak up. I am not mute, I do have a voice and I need to learn to use it. I need to tell people how I feel about what they say and hopefully they will be nicer to me when they realize what they say hurts. I can also be more forgiving and understanding. And if I have to I am willing to move to get away from people that hate me so much. I have learned the hard way that there is no reason I have to continue to stand my ground and fight fire with fire. In the end we both loose and I am done losing the battle. In the future I will move to higher ground even if it means financial hardship. It isn't worth it to live next to the devil himself.
Let's see how long this wave of confidence last. If you read back my old blog, I made a commitment to stop living my life by fear. I was going good for awhile till swallowed up by fear. I'm hoping this wave of confidence will push me into uncharted waters and give me the break I need to reclaim my life. I hope to continue to hold on to those horns of life and run faster then I ever have in the direction I choose. My self-confidence comes and goes in waves, but for the most part since June I have been able to keep my head above water and have continued to see the ray of sunshine even though it on occasion it has been blocked by clouds. Thank you to my good friends that have helped me along this journey and continue to help me.
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