Intimacy is not just sex.

Growing up in a strict religion when it comes to physical intimacy, one really looks forward to getting married so one can be physically intimate with out feeling guilty.  Physical intimacy is something you expect when you get married and after watching TV and movies you expect it to really rock your world. As I have found out that isn't always the case. Like everything it takes works and I've never had a partner that is willing or interested in taking the time to work at it with me.  I am not saying that I've never had sex, because that would be a lie, but I've never had earth shattering sex, like they proclaim it be in the movies.  I still have high hopes for the future.  A girl has to have something to look forward to.  (Don't worry, this post isn't all about sex. Physical intimacy is only one aspect of intimacy. Intimacy as defined by Wikipedia is: ".. generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.")

As I was told by my best friend yesterday "you do the best you can at the time." 

When I was at BYU my 2nd semester all my roommates were moving out and I was scared to get new roommates to I married my friend so we could be roommates.  Needless to say it was a very bad move. He made a great girlfriend, that is the type of relationship we had, he was a boy, but the friendship we had was as if he was a girl. And as it turns out he is now a girl, which is no real surprise. Being conservative and religious we didn't talk about sex before we were married. I thought it odd that he was annually strict when it came to any physically intimacy before marriage. He wouldn't even kiss me. That should of tipped me off, but I figured he was just trying to be this "pillar of virtue" so I didn't think twice about it and figured it would change after marriage. Boy was I wrong. I had no idea how much he despised being a boy and the boy parts that came with it. Yea, if things were perfect in every other area I probably could of lived with out sexual intimacy. But when he hit me less then week after we were married and then stop talking to me I was left with no type of intimacy.  I felt more alone, scared, and isolated married to him then when I was single. To add to it I knew I had made the wrong decision and I was embarrassed and ashamed so I cut myself from all my friends and family and it wasn't till recently have I even revealed how he treated me. When I left him all I said was it just didn't work out. I was too ashamed to tell the truth.

After the divorce was final I continued to be active in the church with high hopes of marrying a "real man" that would fulfill my desires to be intimate both physically and emotionally. As you know I married again and once again struck out.

For a person married twice you'd think I would of had a ton of experience with physical intimacy, but that is not the case. I did more kissing and cuddling in high school as a horny teenage then I have had in the last 7 years of marriage or any of my dating years after high school. Maybe it is because I went to church schools and dated other members of my religious faith. Or it could of be  became more religious and wasn't handing out kisses freely.  I do remember dating one guy after college who loved to make out with no strings attached and I just wasn't into that. I told him if he didn't want to be exclusive with me then I wasn't going to be kissing him so we stopped dating.

So, prior to marriage #2 I figured that I didn't want to marry this "pillar of virtue," because I was afraid like last time it was just a coverup for a man who doesn't want to every be intimate so I did the "try it before you buy it" theory. I figured if he was interested and able to perform before we got married he'd continue to be interested after marriage.  In theory it should of worked, but once again my great logics backfired.  I just don't get it. I am totally dumbfounded how I found two males that are so not typical in the male sex department. I thought that all men are sex crazed, apparently I was wrong. I am not a total nypho, I don't require it 3 times a day. Truth be told due to trying to keep to my strict religious values, I have little experience in the sex department so I had hoped that after getting married I would get lots of practice so it would be earth shattering like they proclaim it to be in the movies. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.  I feel like Grace in the TV series Will & Grace.  Like her I feel confident that I did all I could to get his attention, and it just wasn't me.  I'm not saying my ex exactly is gay, but it just wasn't me.  If we never were married he would make a fantastic roommate.  Rooming with your ex is kind of awkward anyway you look at it, even if it ended well. 

I am at a total loss as to what to do to ensure husband #3 is interested in women and sex. I'm not saying that my next marriage is going to built around just sex. If you read my last post I am searching for my kindered spirt, to be my eternal companion.  In finding my kindred spirit it will ensure that we have intimacy on a non physical level, which is very important to me, probably equal or more important then physical intimacy.  And I've got to be physically attracted to him. Husband #3 is going to be the whole package.  My best friend, my kindred spirt, a sexy hot hunk that is totally smitten by my beauty and wants to make hot passionate love to me,  a good kisser, loves snuggling with me, makes me laugh, is my protector, and doesn't abuse me physically or emotionally.  I want it all. And I finally believe that I deserve it.  I am not the person I was in high school, college, when I married my first or second husbands. I have gone to tons of therapy, taken lots of classes, read my share of self books and changed "me." I am far from perfect, but I am better then I was. I am constantly growing and changing. My ideas and thought and ways of thinking are constantly evolving. So if my friend is right, "you do the best you can at the time." I am going to do much better this time.

And by the way. I am in no hurry or even searching for husband #3. But, I  think about these things. As for right now I'm doing my best to enjoy the grass right here where I'm planted, knowing full well that it isn't greener on the other side. So if you are male and want to be my friend, great, but if you're hoping to rank up to boyfriend status or carry me across the alter any time soon I'm sorry to say, you will have the wrong girl. This girl is just looking to have fun and enjoy being single while it lasts.  On the other hand if I happened to stumble across my kindred sprit thing could change. I'm a girl and we have the right to change our minds at the drop of a hat. What can I say, I love being a girl sometimes and I'm all girl.