Seeking Direction

After leaving my last job as an Office Manager and Human Resources Assistant I’ve been trying to figure out what I should do as a career.  I honestly have no idea what I would be good at or would enjoy doing everyday for the rest of my life.  The first company I worked for after graduation from college with my BS Mass Mutual. I started there in 1999.  After about a year working in a satellite office, it closed and I was transferred to the city.  It was the time of the Dot Com Boom and the Recruiting Coordinator got in on the rise and suggested I take her position. I was given a big off, with a window right there on Market Street. That was always her dream, so just incase I ever had that dream I thought I’d better take it.  It really was a beautiful office.  I joined a ritzy gym a few floors down and I was living the life. I really loved my job. My favorite part was being the Licensing Coordinator for the GA and other agents. It was a bit overwhelming at first, but soon as I got a system in place I loved it.  Unfortunately the economy tanked and our division had to give up it’s grand office in the city on the financial district and moved to suburbs.   I worked there for a little bit, then things weren’t looking so good so I found another position closer to home. As it turns out a week or two after I left the GA disappeared. Friday he was there and Monday his office was empty and there was no sign of him.

I really wanted to find another position in a financial firm as the licensing coordinator, but all of those positions are on the other Coast in the division offices. I wasn’t ready to pick up and move across the county so I found another position doing something totally different.  I got hired on there and was all excited until I realized that the person I was working under wasn’t the person that hired me and I wasn’t going to be getting what I was originally promised.  So I left there after a day or two and signed up for a temp agency. There they found me a job at BISYS as the Office Manager and Human Resources Assistant. It was a temp job so I really didn’t care what I was doing.  They loved me and after a week wanted to hire me on direct. That is very unusual for a company, the usual let your temp contract run out so they don’t have to buy you out.  I was shocked and obsessed with security so I took the job even thought it wasn’t what I wanted to do. I stayed there two years till I realized they were closing the division and found another job.  I was dating my coworker at the time and went back a month later for the holiday party and the other employees were kind of upset at me for not telling them the division was closing. Right after I left the official announcement was made.   I was truly sorry I couldn’t tell them, due to my position in the company I really couldn’t tell them. 

I have bounced around from one company to the next not loving my job, but doing it because I had experience in it, I was good at it and I could get a job in that field.  If I could talk myself into it and boost my self confidence up I could probably get back into it, but I don’t think I’d be really happy in the field.  It’s a very lonely position. As the office manager you are a team of one. I’ve had the same experience with Human Resources.  From my experience the main Human Resources teams are on the other side of the country where office space is cheaper and here in this state they only have a single rep so you end up on a team of one.  Maybe if I worked for the State or County it would be different, but for private companies this is what I have found.

My mom suggested I go back to school, but I have no idea what I’d go back for and then when I got that degree what would I do.

So here I am stumped 8 years later as what I should do with the rest of my life.  This is when I kind of wish we had a family business and then I could just get into that.  Oh wait, my parents had a business and I said I’d never have my own business because they worked ungodly hours.  I was the only kid in college who went to bed before my parents. The good think is if I ever needed to talk I could call them at any hour and someone was always available to talk.  Those were some very un-fun times when everyone was so stressed about money and wasn’t sure if they would able to pay for my college or would I have to go home the next semester or year. I have to say it all worked out and I was very blessed to have my parents pay for my schooling so I’m not having to stress now about paying off my student loans.  I know I am a very lucky and blessed daughter in this aspect.

So do I go back into a job where I’m totally stressed out in all the time and really depressed or do I something else that I love and enjoy and will probably make less? And if I take option B, then what is it?  As for now I am keeping my current job where I don’t make very much at all. I think I actually qualify for those low-income programs for utilities and such, this is really sad. I never imagined being one of “those people” who lived paycheck to pay check. I’ve always been one of those other people who saved money and invested for their retirement.  This is the hardest adjustment for me of the divorce. You’d think it would be being alone, but that isn’t as hard for me as the lack of financial security. Being married we never lived the high life. We lived lives that were beyond frugal, my ex said I gave frugal another meaning.  But, we lived comfortable lives. We prioritized where we spent our money. We preferred to go on a short cruise each year and in turn we rarely ate out unless we had a gift card, we took lunch to work with us, we didn’t go to movies, we bought everything second hand (Clothing, furniture, etc), and we were geniuses when it came to getting things for free.

I’m finally making friends so I’m no longer ready to up and move across the county to get that job that I really loved working in the licensing department.   Several people have suggested that I take the State test and apply for a State job. Maybe I’ll do that.  I have thought about it, but have been too lazy and unmotivated to look into it.   Maybe that will be my next move.  The biggest thing that is stopping me is me. I just don’t feel confident that I can do anything.  As much as people tell me, I’m just not feeling it.  I know I’m not an idiot, I did graduate from a really good college with a pretty high GPA on my own.  Mom and Dad weren’t there to do the work for me so that should prove to me that I can do it.  I’ve also had several high paying jobs with some pretty big companies, which is a good sign. I have a pretty impressive resume, other then it’s kind of black for the past 8 years.  That is a really big gap. They always ask for your salary and I’m embarrassed to say how much I’ve been making the past two years with my current boss. 

There is just so much going on in my life right now. I am looking forward to moving and finally living on my own, no longer living in limbo. I am eagerly looking forward to closing one chapter in my life.  I sit by the mailbox every day waiting for the paperwork so I can get my name off the loan for our house and change the beneficiaries on my life insurance.   Even when a divorce is finalized by the court system, it really doesn’t cut all ties there is so much paperwork that needs to be completed.  At least there are no kids, so that bond will eventually be broken, it just takes time and since I lack patience it’s very frustration.  I feel like a little kid on a car ride “Are we there yet?”

Then once I get there, then what?  I still need to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.  In some countries they have arranged marriages, I kind of wish they had arranged career choices.  Wouldn’t it be nice if I could just take a test, figure out what I’d be good at and that would be it.  They do have those test, but they just don’t seem to work for me. Last time I took one they said I’d make a great maid. I think not.