Finally on my own.

It’s hard to believe that this is my first time having my own place. You'd of thought by my age I would have lived on my own, but I have always had roommates. I love my new place. I look forward going home.  My friends advised me to “Find a place you will look forward to coming home to.” Initially this wasn’t my main concern, or even something I was looking for. My first priority was to find something within my very limited budget.  I found a couple really affordable places, but they were awful.  And each time I almost signed a lease, but after going home I had the sense to call them back and tell them I changed my mind.  I went back and fort trying to figure out if having roommates was worth the cost savings or would it be more stress then it was worth. In the end I opted for paying a whole lot more and having my own place.  Not an easy choice for me since I am so money conscious.  I am so happy that I found the place I did. It’s nice, clean, bright, smells.  Being in a place that I love will hopefully prevent me from jumping into a relationship like I have done in the past to escape horrible living conditions.   

I’m still in shock that I actually did it. Moved out on my own. I’ve been planning for this moment for over a year now.  I packed up most of my belongings over a year ago in the preparation for moving.  Since then I have gone though my stuff many times illuminating the stuff that I really don’t need and donating it to Goodwill. Most of my keepsakes have been moved to my parent’s house for safekeeping. That wasn’t an easy feat to convince them to let me store my stuff over there.  Over time I was able to get into their good graces and they finally agreed to let me store my stuff over there.

It’s not that I have been looking forward to becoming a swinging single. What I have been looking forward to is getting out of the awful situation I felt trapped in.  In a way I felt like a bear hunter that got stuck in his own trap, how is that possible? 

It was very difficult for me to make the leap of faith and walk away from my beautiful house and yard. I have invested the last approx 6 years beautifying that house and landscaping that yard. I transplanted many plants from my maternal grandmother’s yard into my yard.  My grandmother moved out of her home about 10 years ago and took many of her roses and plants to the rental house.  Her yard was her life. She was dedicated to her plants, watering, pruning, dividing, grafting, and transplanting them. They were a part of her.   When I transplanted them into my yard, they flourished beyond anyone’s expectations. They grew like weeds and flowered more then they ever flowered for her. She was so proud of me.  The rose bushes were amazing. Only a month or two each year there were no blooms. That is the joys of living in a warm state, roses bloom nearly year round. When I moved I left a part of her behind.  I also left the finical security behind. We weren’t filthy rich, we were far from that, but we were comfortable. With my frugal nature we lived very comfortable. We never struggled for the necessities of life. In addition we prioritized our needs and wants and were able to budget in a yearly cruise.  The isn’t something I took for granted. I’ve always been very concerned about money, so for me to up and leave wasn’t a easy decision.

I gave up my career in Corporate America when I got married so I am far from able to really afford the meager lifestyle that I have come accustomed to.  If I had felt financially secure I would of moved out long ago and wouldn’t of felt so trapped.  On the other hand, it was my choice to give up my career in hopes of feeling less stressed, depressed, and to gain a more balanced lifestyle. Instead I think I gave up one stress in exchange for another.  Finally 7 years later, working in a job where I make less then half of what I had been making and not getting health benefits, I think I’ve finally found some balance in my life. I am finally no longer a stress case. I still stress; I still deal with anxiety, but not to the same level, as I was while working in corporate America. I don’t think it’s the career change that made the difference; I think it was my perception of life. I have changed greatly over the past 7 years. The way I perceive the world around me. The way I perceive myself. I finally see that I am a good person and have lots to offer. My presence makes a difference in this world.  If I weren’t here I would be missed. I bring sunshine to my friends and they need me.

I’m still scared about not being able to financially make it on my own.  I don’t know if that fear will ever go away.  I did talk to my boss and I will be getting a raise and more hours so that is good. The hard thing is now it all depends on me. I need to make sure I work the additional hours and budget my money wisely. That is a lot of new pressure on me and that really scares me.   I’ve only been in my new place 20 days now, so I haven’t gotten the SMUD or PG&E bills yet, so I don’t know what to expect. I live closer so I should spend less on gas, but I go a lot more places so I’m not sure how that is going to work out.  I am also on my own for buying groceries, taking care of my car and all those miscellaneous expenses that seem to pop up out of nowhere.  I guess as times go buy I will get more comfortable with budgeting and living on my own and things will work them selves out. At least that is what I keep telling myself so I don’t have a panic attack every time I spend money.

Since I moved in I’ve had intermittent Internet service. It hasn’t been a big deal since I am not home much and when I am home I’ve got better things to do then to surf the net.  Even my landlord has had Internet issues and he called last week and gave me the account number, reference number etc so I could call back when I was having issues and it was actually down. So tonight I’m home alone watching Sex in the City and thought I’d see if the Internet is down. Not to my surprise it is down. I fresh it a few times and about an hour later I work up the energy to call Surewest. And you won’t believe it. Soon as they picked up the phone the Internet started working. And of course there is nothing they can do when the service is up and running.  So after having an annoying conversation with the help desk, explaining to them that I have intermitted service they more or less tell me there is nothing they can do since it seems to be working fine.  And this is the reason I haven’t called.  To be continued.  It has been less the 5 minutes and I just tried to log on again and of course it’s not working. Is it really worth giving them another call? I think not. I think I’d rather just sit here annoyed, then waste my time on the phone. And wait it works now. Maybe it just takes a minute to warm up?!

Other then the intermitted Internet service my new apt is great.  One thing I am realizing is how much I love duel pained windows and how much noise they keep out.  My house had duel pane windows, but this apt is lacking. I guess 10yrs ago they built this place they weren’t standard.  I love the cross ventilation I have in my bedroom, but who puts 3 windows in a single bedroom?! Even with the widows closed it is quite noisy. I have also realized that my fridge is really noisy. I’m not sure if it’s noisier then the one we had at the house or this place is just smaller so I’m closer to it more often. 

I have to say I am really enjoying the cool fall weather and being able to have all the windows open and the front door open to cool down the place. It’s amazing how cool it has been lately.  I’m not sure if living closer to the river makes it cooler or if it’s just overall cooler this time of year.  I love the feeling of going to bed in a cool room snuggled under a warm comforter.   If it gets cool enough here I might even get to use my down comforter.  It was always too warm in the house, but with the single pane windows it might actually get cool enough.