Headless Chicken

Do you ever feel like you are running around with your head chopped off? Checking things off your to do list, but not really thinking or living. That is how my life has been for years.  The good news is I am able to survive under unusually amounts of stress.  If there is an emergency I will not freeze.  I will get what needs to be done completed.  I have been operating in panic mode for a long time and have been successful in holding down a part time job.  As for this last year I have been successful of getting those things that are most important checked off my checklist.  Much has fallen by the wayside but those things that ranked top priority got done.

The problem with panic mode is all you are thinking about is survival. You don’t see the big picture. Now that I am reverting back to real life mode and slowing easing off panic mode I am realizing things. Such as I have been very self-centered in some ways and have hurt some friends along the way. And other friends that have really needed me over the years I haven’t been there for them. I feel awful about this. I had no intentions of hurting anyone or letting important friendships fall by the wayside. 

I make no excuses for my behavior.   I can’t change the past. All I can do is work on making a better future for everyone.  My plan is to not only keep my head above the water from here on out, but to actually sail on the water. My life has been a giant roller coaster ride. I have seen myself hanging above the jaws of death many times. I fell just lucky to have survived with as few scars as I did.

I have lived in panic mode for so long it’s not going to be easy to settle back into a “normal” state. I don’t even know what “normal” is. My current quest is to find purpose and balance in my life. I need something to live for and work towards.