A Roller Coaster of Emotions

I’ve been on the emotional roller coaster for the past 3 months. I have gone from a state of shock and running on pure adrenaline. When the adrenaline wore off I crashed into a depressive state, then my husband got mad at me for not giving him the affection he deserved and I went from depressed to fearful, shock, and terror. I’m happy to say I’m not longer depressed like I was, but instead I’m back to living on adrenaline.  Now that I’ve moved out I’m trying to relax and feel safe again. At times I am able to let down my guard and breathe a sigh of relief and laugh a little. I love seeing my puppy again so happy running around and wagging her little tail. Seeing that bring happiness and joy to my life. I’m happy to say that the place I am staying at is constantly filled with people coming and going and the more people around the safer I feel.  The neighbors are constantly waking in and out.  Hearing other people around me laughing and full of joy makes me smile and helps bring me into the moment so I can enjoy what is happening at the moment. I’m actually socializing more and not just loosing myself in the tv like I was before.

I hate the nighttime.  I hate going to bed. I put it off as long as I can because it means the end of the day and I’ll have to do this all over tomorrow.

Hopefully one day soon I will be able to trust again, not be afraid of being alone, and not live in constant fear, always looking over my shoulder, locking all of my doors, setting the alarm at night and when I’m home alone, and jumping at every sound.

I thank God every day for my many blessings. My amazing friends that check up on me. Those people who drop by and constantly fill the house.  I am so very blessed and very loved. I am so thankful for my job, it gives me a reason to get up every morning and somewhere to go. And it enables me to be independent.

I am in a safe place now and I know soon when the adrenaline runs out and I crash I will be ok. I will be well loved and taken care of.  It’s going to be ok. I am safe now.   So, if you see me just ignore the tears. Talk about happier things, distract me and the tears will eventually dry up and I will be laughing again.

Celebrate with me the amazing things we are blessed with everyday. We all have so much to be thankful for. I may have a lot of sorry in my life right now, but I also have much joy.