Happiness is all about perspective

My fav Snowboarding instructor

I was listening to the news last night and they were talking about how some people just couldn’t wait for 2011 to end and for the New Year to begin.  I think it all has to do with perspective. If you look at the things that happened to me this year you may think wow, she had a really crappy year or has gotten the short end of the stick in life, but that is not how I look at it. I had an amazing year. Full of fun and adventure and a few learning experiences along the way. I am thankful for all of those learning experiences as they have made me who I am today.  And I’m a pretty amazing person if I say so myself. I am not who I was 7 months ago or even 2 months ago or even last week.  I am continuing to evolve ever day. So when you meet me or we cross paths, remember to embrace me for who I am today, at this very moment.  My roommate thinks I’m the best roomie ever. I have a great positive attitude; fully functional person that has lots to offer and is tons of fun.  We’re just roommate so it’s not like we are forced to spend tons of time together, but we choose to and are loving it.

It makes me think back to yesterday. A group of 6 of us went snowboarding yesterday. We all went to the same resort and snowboarded in the same snow. For those of you who keep checking the weather reports and are wondering how snow could possibly exits. Let me tell you that the mountains were covered with white, fluffy and cold snow. It may not have fallen from the sky, but it’s still snow. 

At the end of the day 3 of us came together and were discussing our day.  It’s amazing how different an experience 3 people could have all at the same place doing the same thing and with the same amount of experience.  All three of us started snowboarding this year and have been up to the mountain about the same amount of times.  Two of us had an amazing time and are really getting good and having fun in these less then ideal conditions, according to some.  On the other hand one of us is about to give up on and is refusing to come up again unless there is perfect conditions. I hope she doesn’t mind a short season, because if the weather keeps on this path we won’t see her on the slopes for a long time.

I have to admit that I was a bit discouraged my on my third trip up the mountain. The first time I got on a board it was exhausting and I was freaked out about falling on the ice. Thankfully I had an instruction and friends to help keep me upright and only fell once. The second time it was a very powdery day and I had an amazing time.  The third time it was a bit on the icy side again. My first instructor, Dustin, and now my friend, found me between his classes and rode with me and taught me a very valuable lesson. No matter what the conditions are there is something you can learn and appreciate about it. Since then I’ve been having a wonderful time boarding. My experience is probably unique as a beginning boarders as every time I go boarding I spend part of the day riding with a born teacher, that even when he’s not on the clock loves teaching.  I have to say being fun, beautiful, and having a positive attitude does pay off in more ways then one.   He’s not being paid to board with me, but does it because he loves spending time with my friends and I.  And don’t worry we aren’t taking advantage of him, we do make it worth his while. My feeling is why go up and have a miserable time, fall all the time, get injured.  If it weren’t for Dustin I’d be paying someone else for more lessons. So, I’m more then happy to give him some extra cash, this way we all benefit. And since I’m not for drinking I’m not one to buy him a beer at the end of the day.

Soul Mates

Do you ever wonder why you cross paths with certain people?  I’ve never given much thought to it till I cross paths with this person back in 1996 and it changed my life forever. From the day we connected on a spiritual level we both wondered why our lives crossed.  We know it wasn’t just a chance encounter, a lot of mountains had to been moved for us to actually meet and establish the relationship we had. Then as quickly as our lives came together and became entertained we parted ways and lost contact. Then 13 years later we crossed paths again and my life was once again turned upside down, in a good way. Things I had forgotten came back to remembrance and my life was put back on track and then as quickly as this person entered my life they departed.  I know that our encounters were all constructed by God as I know he has a plan for us and puts people in our lives for a reason. Knowing this I’ve always wondered why we crossed paths. Then while In Bali I was reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and came across this passage and my question was answered. 

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” 

So, unless I need another smack to awake me I doubt I’ll ever cross paths with this person again. With this new understanding of why they entered my life. I guess I can feel more at peace with losing them again.  People like this just aren’t meant to be there forever.  That’s a tough concept for me and I may cry a little at times to morn that loss, but now I understand it better and feel more at peace and I can be thankful for all they taught me during our short encounters.  And if I do need another smack awake I also know that I don’t really need them physically in my life to give me the wake up call. All I need to do is drag out my journals and reread the entries surrounding our first encounter and that will awaken in me a remembrance of everything I want, need and desire in life. And then it’s up to me to get my life back on track.

Micro-Manager I am not.

If you needed to score me at work I’d get a Zero for micro-managing my coworker and a 10 for job security.  I have been reassured by this that I really am indispensible. I’ve been working with my boss a number of years now trying to sort and organize his family photos and the in box always seems to be overflowing faster then I can sort them. Well, after seeing me always underwater and him needing more help with just day to day stuff he hired another girl. She drives him around, takes him to his appointments and works with him and his wife around the house.  In addition she has been taking over much of the photo organization and I’ve been helping out more publishing books, organizing work pictures and documents, assisting with legal matters, keeping the family connected, and just answering odd questions they both seem to come up with. I’ve been loving this new arrangement.   That was until last week when I realized she was way over her head in organizing photos. I gave her simple instructions on what to do and I’d look over her shoulder occasionally to see how it’s going.  Last week she brought to my attention an ongoing issues and I finally decided to really look into what is going on. Well, to my dismay we have a 6,000 picture problem.  I’m not sure exactly what went wrong between me giving instructions and her following them, and I don’t even think she knows what’s been going on, but we’ve got a major problem on our hands.  I went to the apple store on Friday and spent 2 and a half hours brain storming with experts on the best way to resolve it. And we figured out the best way to fix it, but it’s very time consuming and even when it is done I’m not sure how I’m going to prevent her from doing the same thing again. I really thought my instructions were so easy to follow, but I am learning that with the ease of working with a computer and the dragging of dropping things, accidents happen with out you even knowing it. Like last week. She had a ton of albums with missing pictures and I found over 1,000 pictures in her trashcan. I was able to fix it quickly, but that is a very large mistake.

I’m not really sure what to do once I resolve the issue at hand. The guarantee to keep it from getting messed up again would be to take the job back from her, but that still leaves the issue that there is only one of me and there is no way I can do what I’ve been doing and do this too. And to be honest I’ve been really enjoying the other stuff I do.  Thus, I need to work better at my management skills and figure out how to micromanager her with out driving myself crazy. I’m such an independent person and just assume that everyone else can be just as independent.

On the other hand if you ask some of my husbands they would probably say I was a great micro-manager. And I have to admit. I did micro-manage at times when I felt people are incompetent in the task or I just knew a better more efficient way to do something.  I’ve been reading: “For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men.” And have realized that I’ve made some major mistakes in that area and need to change. First off I think I’ll make life easier on myself and get involved with older, wiser, more competent men.  Then from there I’ll work on supporting them more and not questing their judgment.  Don’t worry I won’t just trust them blindly, I will watch and evaluate them and make sure they make good judgment calls then over time I will learn to trust them.  I really do look forward to passing on the burden that I have carried so long to do it myself.

From reading this book. I am learning that there are a lot of things I can do and say differently to show the men in my life respect and love. I think of my current husband and how he told me many times how much he felt disrespected by the things that I did and said. And I can see how I was wrong in those areas. At the same time. Even if I did make those changes now to show him respect, I have no interest in putting myself back in a bad situation. I never blamed him 100% from our failed marriage and from reading this book I can see how many things I could have said differently. And in the future will. Thus said it doesn’t make up for the way he treated me. From attending classes at Weave I know that even if I made these changes he would still be the abusive husband he is.  His issues stemmed deeper then just the way I spoke to him.  I have learned that I can’t excuse his behavior due to his addiction or his out of control OCD & ADD.  It is so easy to blame things on mental health or an addiction, but WEAVE has taught me that there is something that lies deeper in him that makes him abusive. So even if he were to give up his addiction and get his ADD & OCD under control he will still be abusive.

I’m not saying that he’s hopeless, but I am saying that I am not going to let myself be abused in hopes that I can help him become the man I know he has potential to be. His parents saw me as a strong independent women and thought I was going to be his savior and they would be released from the burden of caring for him.  I am thankful for Jesus Christ for sacrificing his life for us and I have no interested in saying that I am better then God him self and can take on that burden and responsibility.   Thus said it will be up to Randy to make the changes in his own life if he so desires.  I on the other hand am busy working on me. Bettering myself so I can be the amazing wife I know I can be for the next husband who deserves me.  I know I am on the right path as Josh has told me many times how amazing of a wife and friend I am and have been. That coming from an ex is quite a compliment. I’m on the right track and becoming a better person everyday.

A very Merry Christmas

This really is a great time of year. It looks like I really am getting everything I want. Last night my boss asked me if he got me a Christmas gift and I reminded him that he got me the blender that I needed. You’d think I would own one, but when I left Josh I left everything so I’ve been blender-less.  And for some reason my new roommate doesn’t own a blender, so I needed to get one when I moved. It’s kind of nice that in my daily conversations with my boss he on occasion gets me stuff that I need or want.   I’ve learned it’s all in how you word it. So when he asked me if he got me something for Christmas I said, Yes you got me the blender, but what I’d really like is to see the Cirque Show. I asked him if he wanted to go with me and he said No, but he said that I really deserve everything so I got myself a ticket from him.  So, I may not get the raise that I really deserve, but on the other hand he’s really taking care of me both emotionally and financially.  I guess in the end it all works out.  I’m making ends meet with surplus and that is a great feeling. It was tough when I left Josh and moved into my own place, money was really tight.  Now that I’ve moved out on my own with a roommate I really think things are going to less stressful financially.

People look at my list of things I want to do this year and think, she must be rich. The truth is I’m far from that. I’m extremely frugal and by scrimping on things that others splurge on I’m able to splurge on things others can’t afford. It’s all in your priorities and it helps when you have people around you that assist in picking up the slack.

Everything still isn’t set in stone. I’m still crossing my fingers that I’ll be able to save up enough to go to Thailand. My expenses have been over the top these last couple of months, with the divorce, lawyer, doctors, vet bills, and my new hobby of snowboarding.  I think in Jan things will slow down and I’ll be able to come up with a good budget that will enable me to save up what I need to make it to Thailand.   And to offset expenses I’ve also been making great efforts to get to work earlier and work more hours.  But to counter that I’ve also had to take more time off to go to court and visit with lawyers, so it’s been balancing out.

I’ve never been one to splurge on Christmas gifts for myself, but this year I have gone overboard. I got my self a new ski outfit. It should arrive today; I can’t wait to see if it fits. If not, I guess that would be a good thing to as I can return it and get my money back. That would also be a good perk.

More good news. My dad got Christmas off so they are coming to town and we’ll be able to spend the afternoon together. He also said he wants to go Sky Diving with me. I’m so exciting. I’m really going to get to do everything I want to this next year.

Retail Therapy

Does it work?  I’m not sure, but we’ll see. I spent all night home alone stressing about going to court today.  Sadly my roommate left yesterday afternoon for the holidays.  So, I was left home alone to sit around and stress, with no one to distract me. It sucked. It was a long lonely stressful evening.  I even tried going to be early but, I kept getting up as I thought of things. 

I was never one to buy things on line, but my boss said I can use his amazon account and now I’m addicted.  One click shopping is so easy.   And there is so much amazing stuff on amazon. Mostly I get books on CD to listen during my commute. I’m gaining a new appreciation for my commute as I’m getting all of these books read. Most of the books I read are self-help/uplifting/spiritual books. The books put me in a good mood as I drive and help me feel good about myself and help me to see things from a new/better perspective.  Some of my favorite authors are Joel Osteen, Dr. Wayne Dyer, and Robert Holden.  My most current read is: For Women Only: What you need to know about the Inner lives of men by Shaunti Feldhahn, on suggestion from a friend of mine. So far I’m gaining a lot of insight to the inner though process of men. Very surprising I have to say.

As you know I recently took up snowboarding and I’ve realized that everyone wears these crazy outfits. I never knew snowboarding was such a trendy sport till I went to Clark’s. There I ran into a friend who was looking for a new jacket and wanted to pants to match.  I don’t think this is the sport for me as I’m way to frugal and economical. I’ve been wearing my mom’s snow bib that she’s had for probably over 20 years now and doesn’t wear it. It’s hard for me to justify spending money on clothing I don’t need when I’ve got perfectly good clothing that does the job, keeping me warm and dry.  At the same time I’ve been really stressed lately and have been doing a lot of window-shopping on line.  The other day I found this adorable pink snow ski bib and matching jacket. With Amazon’s cheap or free shipping, promise to get it here before Christmas, and easy return policy it’s hard not to want to give things a try. After putting it in and taking it out of my cart a million times I finally clicked pay and it’ll be arriving tomorrow. Let me just warn you that I’m fully aware that it’s a bit over the top.  Ok, it’s totally over the top. You won’t be able to miss me on the hill. I hope my friends aren't too embarrassed to be seen with me.

My roommate spoils me & I'm loving it.

Nov 21, 2011
 Snowboarding with my roommate

My roommate spoils me and I love it.  I’m hoping it’s not just because I’m novelty.  I guess time will tell. Josh spoiled me for about 3 months then my novelty must have worn off.

The other day my roommate went shopping and came back with some chocolate milk I could actually drink and some sparkling cider. I find it so sweet that he is going out of his way to expand my diet. I’m really impressed that he’s spending the time to read the fine print of labels.

Life isn’t all peaches and cream either. Both of us do have bad days and come home grouchy sometimes, but neither of us takes how the other is feeling is personally. It’s so refreshing from living with Randy. After all that Randy put me through I became very depressed and he then was mad at me all the time because I was depressed and took it so personally. The reality was the circumstances did trigger my depression, but I was also depressed due to how I internalized what was happening to me.  It’s not easy for me to not let myself get dragged/sucked into someone’s dysfunctional life. That happened yesterday. I was thoroughly pissed off, by the end of the day after spending way too long texting back and forth with Randy about a form I needed to file our divorce paperwork. What I should have done is not let him suck me into an argument and just ignore his texts, but I didn’t. I let my self get sucked into his need to argue.  I was smart enough not to answer the phone when his mom called me and by the time I got home I finally put my phone down, didn’t look at it and did as my roommate advised and just sat down and decompressed. He did his thing and I did mine and then we reconvened in a hour or two and made dinner, had a relaxing evening and then went to be early.

Looking back I recall reading in a book that people with ADD have this need to provoke arguments. They need simulation and thus create it.  Randy said his dad used to do it all the time.   I have tons of e-mails and texts from Randy where he is trying to provoke me, some I responded to and others I just ignored.  In the end I ignored more because I could see what he was doing and how unhealthy it was.  But still now sometimes I get sucked back in like yesterday.

Now living with my roommate I am seeing that everyone expresses their anger and frustration in different ways. It is helping me to learn new healthier ways to deal with having a bad day.  So far I’m really enjoying this new environment. When I moved out of Randy’s and into Josh’s I moved out of one type of hostile environment into a different environment, things were going really well for several months, for the most part, as everything is in comparison.  In addition I was used to dealing with Josh’s anger and knew how to deflect it or avoid it, now moving out of there. I am realizing that living at Josh’s was better then Randy’s but still not the best environment for me to thrive in. I’m not saying this to bash Josh, as I love him very much and he’s my best friend, but I’m thinking about my own personal growth and development. I need to be in an environment I can thrive in and not just one I know how to work with.

My roommate and I have had dinner together nearly every night. He’s totally on board with my special diet and all the things we cook together I can eat. On Sunday we had filet mignon with asparagus.   It was amazing. Eating with my roommate reminds me of all the amazing food I used to eat on cruises.  I was beginning to wish I could go on a cruise, but now I’m becoming at peace with eating at home.  Because the reality is if I went on a cruise now I wouldn’t be able to indulge in some of my favorite foods due to you never quite know what they put in anything. Last night we had shrimp, tilapia, asparagus, and mushrooms. It was amazing.  It’s a good thing both love onions, garlic and pepper because they are a main staple of our seasoning.

It’s taken years, but I finally look forward to coming home and hanging out with the person I’m living with.  It’s so refreshing to want to come home and interact with someone and not wish they had to work late or are out with friends. At the same time it’s quite an adjustment. I hope he doesn’t get sick of me hanging around all of the time. And it’s not all the time either. I do keep busy at work for 8 hours a day, have errands to run, classes to take, appointments to get to, and friends I enjoy spending time with so it’s not like I’m that annoying clingy person. I do have a very busy and full life.