Taking Applicants

I finished my book last night and was less then pleased with the ending. I hope you weren’t planning on reading the book because if you are I’m going to give away the ending. The main character dies.  Not what I was expecting at all. I had two theories to how it would end and that was for sure not one of them.  I had high hopes that the book would give me some much-needed insight as to how to proceed with my life.  It didn’t give me the insight that I desired but it did spark some thoughts.

Life can be taken from you in an instant.  Even if you are perfectly healthy your life can be taken away in an instant. This isn’t something new to me. Dec 2010 my girlfriend got diagnosed with cancer and that was a shocker as she is my age and she had just gotten married and just had her first child. It makes you think about your life and to really prioritize what you want in life.

Some may call my girlfriend and I irresponsible for living such amazing lives now, traveling and having fun, but that is how we see it. We see absolutely no point in putting our lives on hold till we retire. Because we are realists and we know that there is a possibility that tomorrow may never come and if it does you never know what your health may be or what means you may have then. Don’t get me wrong we both invest our money wisely and set aside funds for our retirement years we are able to find a happy medium in all of it.

Maybe that is the reason I got married so quickly this last time.  I figured why wait to start the next phase of my life? With that same thought pattern I also ended my marriage.  I put up with being abused for 5 months then realized that enough was enough. I just couldn’t take it anymore and he was getting scarier by the day. So I ran for my life.  On the other hand I did keep wearing my ring till mid December, to remind myself that I am still married and can’t move on till the divorce is legally final. Then one day it dawned on me that I had moved on.  There was no denying it. My marriage had been over for several months and there was absolutely no hope of reconciliation. I valued my safety, health and happiness too much to play chicken with a train and if I went back that is what I would have done. 

So, here I am now single once again. Trying to live life to the fullest.  As you never know what tomorrow will bring. I’m not going into things blindly. I am at WEAVE taking classed and education myself as to prevent me from making the same mistakes again. At the same time I still am the same girl who went to and graduated from a very well respected University, had an amazing office in SF overlooking market Street as I worked in Corporate America, enjoyed the singes scene and now I’m finally ready to settle down get married and start a family.  That hasn’t changed; on the other hand the players have changed.  This isn’t going to stop me from traveling till the baby comes or quilting, but that is what I’m working towards. Now I’m on the quest to find the other player in the equation.   It’s not slim pickings as some singles may say. I have a whole pool of applicants to choose from.  Being educated, happy, fun, young, and pretty gives me the upper hand.

Going into this one with my eyes wide open my list is getting much more specific. Not only am I high maintenance myself, but I’m going to be extremely picky this time. I want it all and I won’t settle for less. 

He’s got to be drop dead gorgeous in my eyes right now, not if he lost 50 lbs or worked out, but he’s got to be a knockout. If I’m going to be committed to this man for life. I’d better like what I see as I know I can’t change him and he’s not going to suddenly marry me and change, you get what you see.

He’s got to inspire me.  He needs to say, and do and just personify someone that when I’m around him I have this deep desire to fulfill my greatest dreams and fantasies. I’ve had in my heart to write this book and for years I’ve been putting it off. One day it will happen and he will be there to encourage me and cheer me on.  He will also provide me with the time so I can work on my book, work on my quilting, etc. He will encourage me to take time for me and also fund my goals and hobbies.  He will also inspire me to grow emotionally, spiritually, and physically. He may not be there to hold my hand as I got to the gym or take classes with me, but he will support me in my desire and goals.  Being with him as he is bettering himself will inspire me to keep working on me.  We may not have all of the same goals, but due to us having such high personal goals we will be there to encourage each other to fulfill them.

We will learn from one another. We will be each other’s teacher and student. 

We will philosophy together.  We will look beyond what is visible and talk and discuss the future, the world. We will inspire each other to look outside the box. We will show each other different ways of viewing things and together out ideas and thoughts will evolve. We will connect and grow spiritually together as we learn to open and expand our minds.

We will know how to soothe and comfort each other. This will not be immediate, but over time we will learn how to calm the other down and to bring them back to us. This is very important as it’s easy to get caught up in the world and we need to learn to let go and be present when we are together when there is nothing else we can do to solve the worlds problems.

He needs to be loving, kind, and respectful, and trust me.  He needs to believe in me and my abilities to be a wife and mother and support me in my decisions. 

He needs to know what battles to fight and when to fold.

I need to be with someone who is strong and well able. I need to feel safe with him. That he can protect me from physical danger and mental abuse from the outside world.

He needs to be a provider and able to provide for a family financially.

He needs to be self-sufficient.   He needs to be able to do things on his own with out my supervision.

He needs to have outside friends and resources. He needs older friends that he can go to do for advice and assistance.

He needs to have his own hobbies, interests and likes.  He needs to be independent and able to entertain himself and encourage me to spend time with my own friends and engaged in my own hobbies. It’s nice if he offers to accompany me on occasion, but I’d also like him to say go off to your quilting retreat and have fun, I’ll be fine at home with the guys or kids, etc.

He needs to be flexible and spontaneous and plans ahead so he can be spontaneous and he needs to enjoy my spontaneity. 

Letting go

I’ve been reading “The Best of Me,” By Nicholas Sparks. I’m not much of a romantic novel reader, but my friend who lives in Oriental told me about this book as it talks about his town.   Since he told me about his town this last October I’ve been eagerly looking forward to visiting him.  I’m a sucker for cute quaint towns.

This book is making me really questions love and marriage. As you know I’ve been married 3 times and none of them have really been for true love. I can say that now looking back. The first one was for convince, the second was to escape from the environment that I was living in and a mixture of my lack of self worth due to my struggle with depression. Number 3 on the other hand was supposed to be for love, but I realize now that was not the case. The thing is I have been truly and utterly in love once.   I loved so deeply and fully and would have given that man everything and followed him anywhere.  And he loved me just as much, but due to some personal issues he felt he was unable to give me everything he knew I deserved so as the saying goes “if you love something set it free,” that is exactly what he did, twice.   Not once did I ever stop loving him. As time went by he did become but a distant memory, but when he walked in to my life again it was as if no time had passed and I our love was just as strong.  It was as if we picked up just where we left off, then as quickly as he came into my life he disappeared once again. Leaving me heartbroken.  Husband number 3 knew a little of my love story and weaseled into my life, pulling at my heart strings, convincing me to let go move on and he would feel this void in my heart. I should have seen this red flag as I dated someone prior to him who tired to do the same thing. He on the other hand knew I didn’t love him, but didn’t care. He was willing to be with me even if I never loved him. Thankfully I did see the red flag there and kicked him out of my life, but for some reason I didn’t do that with Husband #3 till after we tied the knot. As they say 20/20 hindsight.

So, that brings me to now.  The reality is I’m not sure if I have or can ever fully let go of my one true love.  I have spent years, trying to analyze it, understand it, but still can’t fully grasp what happened and where to go from here. The saying “if you love them let them go” is so much easier said then done.  It’s hard to stop loving and longing for someone.

So, here I am still trying to move on, trying to piece my life together. Trying to figure out what it was that made our connections so special and if that love/connections can ever be duplicated. Can anyone else ever fill that void in my life and fill my heart like he did.  Can I ever give myself fully to someone?

There are some things I know right off that I need from a husband and can’t live with out. First on the list is I have to be physically attracted to him. No more of looking on the inside. I already did that and I need more this time and I deserve more. I work hard to look attractive so I want to be with some one else that does the same. And I’m not saying you have to be a gold trophy body builder, but I do have to find you physically attractive. After that I need someone who can take care of me both financially and emotionally. Now that is a challenge that isn’t easily tested.  No one wishes for trauma in their life, but I do I appreciate the trauma as it gives me a way to see if you can take care of my emotionally needs and I am aware that I have lots of them.  It’s easy to say yes, I can handle a situation, but the true test is being in the situation and how you act and or react.  Thirdly we have to have this special connection. It’s not something you can explain, it’s something that you experience and that I’m not sure if I can find or how to test. But, I do know it when I feel it. Last time it was almost upon arrival and I wish I could duplicate that experience as then I wouldn’t have to waste my time dating, but I have the feeling that this time it will take time and maybe a trial or two before we ever know if it’s there or not.  And maybe that is why God gives us so many trials, as it gives us an opportunity to bond on other levels.

So, let’s raise our glasses and say cheers. The journey continues.

I look forward to finishing my book to see how the story unfolds, maybe then I will have an idea of how my life might unfold. Will the love of my life return to me or will I finally be able to let go and move on.  I can’t keep living with the “what if.” It really needs to be put to rest, not out of sight out of mind, but really let go of.  I need to learn to love again.

The Ultimate Valentines Gift

You always hope to give a gift that will leave a lasting memory.  I’m not one for giving Christmas gifts to people I barley know, or just met. So as Christmas 2011 rolled around and we had our tree all set up I began to wonder if I should get my roommate a gift.  It didn’t come up in the topic of conversation so I sort of just dismissed it.  One day we were talking and he commented that he wanted me to order him his some pillowcases like the ones I just ordered to keep out the dust mites. So I did and said I’d wrap them up as his Christmas present, kind of as a joke. Well, while he was away visiting his family for Christmas he asked me what I wanted and I told him since this is the year of practical gifts I’d really like a full length mirror.  And when he came home he had one for me and installed in behind my door.  End result we were both happy with our gifts.

I was at Costco the other day and I saw this pedal garbage can.  We have one but the pedal doesn’t work so it crossed my mind that maybe I should get it for him for Valentines Day, being the practical person I am, but then opted that it might not be the most appropriate Valentines Gift.

Last night we were in the kitchen and I told him about my idea and we laughed so hard we cried. He did point out that it was shiny and that is always a good sign of a gift.  On the other hand how do you tell your friends that a girl gave you a trashcan for Valentines Day.  How would one interpret getting a trashcan as a Valentines Gift, because we know we love to interpret our gifts?  One thing is it would really make an unforgettable gift.  He also told me that if I actually gave it to him it would be one for the books and he’d never let me forget it. At least when people asked him on Feb 15 how was his Valentines Day went he’d be telling “the story” that the whole office would be laughing about for years to come. No one would ever be able to top that.

Russian Roulette

I do my best to look at the glass half full, but it’s not an easy task. I just got an e-mail from my bank to let me know that my 2011 year end summer is now available online. I know I shouldn’t have looked at it as it would only piss me off, but I did. Curiosity killed the cat and it’s driving me bonkers.  So, I looked at my travel expenses for this last year and I know I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I am still in shock every time I think about it. I spent over ten grand on my trip with Randy.  And over a grand on therapy. I know I say it was a grand well spent as it showed me how crazy my husband was, but still if I never married him I wouldn’t have needed to spend a grand to tell me I married a total nut job.  I try my best not to bash my ex’s but. Seriously he really screwed with my head for around 5 months. After that I was able to get more control of my life and not let him totally control me, but if you look at from an economic perspective I paid over 10 grand to be abused. That is just sick. Seriously, people sign up in the military and get paid to go to war and take one for the team. I on the other hand paid good money out of my pocket to be used as target practice.  Looking at it now I think of all the things I could be doing with 10 grand. I could pay for my trip to Thailand and also go on the biking trip in Vermont through the company Backroads and see all those cute quaint bridges I’ve always wanted to see.  Yea, it wasn’t all a waste of good money. I did get to see Europe, so if I split that in half I only threw away like 6 grand, which still would have been more then enough to cover my trip to Thailand or Vermont.

I’m at a loss for ideas on how to recoup the money. If I could have I would have, but neither he or his family have any money.  It's not that I'm a greedy bitch and want to take him for all he's worth. That was proven when I left Josh. I walked away with virtually nothing. He kept his retirement and the house.  But, at least there I felt that I wasn't totally used for my money etc. We invested 10 years together and with came both joy and sorrow. We went on a ton of vacations and lived a nice lifestyle. But here it was differnt. I feel like a sunk a whole lot of money into a sinking ship.

Note to self never marry a poor guy. I’m not say I’m going to become a Gold Digger or anything it’s just that I sunk my money into a poor investment so to avoid possible regret next time I'd rather go into it 50/50 or he can back the investment upfront. All I'm saying is I don't have the dough to make the same mistake twice. Nor the stupidity.  I have learned from my mistakes and that is why I went to Bali and why I'm going to Thailand this year. Before I start throwing away my money I've worked soooo hard to come by, that I have literally scrimped and saved to hold on to I am going to use it on me first as I deserve it.

I went to my class at Weave last night and every time I go I’m in shock at how abusive Randy really was. While with him I made every excuse in the book for his behavior, took on lots of the blame.  The reality is he was sick and as much as his family appeared to help, they just enabled his behavior. According to his mom, he was great and there was no reason he should have to change.  I’m way too much of a loving and kind person that likes to help, but there has to be boundaries and it is not my place to break the news to her that her son was an abusive husband and needs help.  The reality is she will just deny it and blame it on me and that is how it usually goes with abusive men. Their family will do all they can to protect them and place the blame on those that they abuse.  I’m happy to say that I’m nearly out of this sick demented family.

Now the goal is to not make the mistake again. Not to be sucked into another sick family that will beat me down and drive me to want to kill myself. 

As much as I want to have my own family I’m worried that I won’t be able to bring them up in a healthy, happy, loving home. I fear making the same mistakes my parents made. And I know this many people’s fear. They try to hard to make up for how they were raised and swear never to make the same mistakes, but in the end some how history seems to repeat it’s self in many ways.

I hope to find that husband one day that is strong, loving and kind and together we can write our own story.  The thing is before the kids come we will talk and theorize about how we want things to be different, but the true test is can we really put what we know that is right into practice?

I’m hoping that since I’m starting a family later in life I will have the maturity, patience, and knowledge necessary to bring up a family in a loving home environment.

It’s also weird to think that after working 36 years on not trying to have a family I’m actually going to be working on trying to have a family.  So much has changed.  I’m putting my faith in god that if I am able to bear children that I will have the ability to bring them into a loving home and I will be able to provide them everything they need to grow up to be fully functional members of society.

At times I kind of chuckle to myself as it’s kind of like a game of Russian Roulette. You do all you can and the rest is left up to the Gods.

Limitations- We all have them

New Year's Eve 2011

The reality is we all have our limitations.  Not all of us are aware of our limitations and even if we are we may not know how to deal with, live, with or know of ways to over come or work with our limitations. And then there are some who have a notion that they have limitations, but rather live in denial. It's quite shocking if you actually meet someone who says, I have these limitations and this is what I do personally to work with them and this is what you can do so you don’t get frustrated with my limitations.  I remember the first day I moved into my new place my roommate tells me: “I’m demanding, needy, and worth it. In addition I'm trainable.” This isn't much you can say to that. I may have thought of myself at times, but have never verbalized or had anyone say this to me. Most people you meet do their best to put on a facade, pretending to be someone they aren’t, but sooner then later their true self shines through and it’s usually not a very pretty site.   Maybe if we were more upfront and honest people we would suffer less heartbreak and enjoy more happiness. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone came with a written disclosure. It’s like when you go to the store, every thing comes with an ingredient list and it us up to us as a consumer whether or not to buy the product with all the fillers, that was chemically engineered and filled with artificial sweeteners.

It’s been a whole new experience for me to live with someone who is very educated as in he graduated from a prestigious university and even got his masters degree and who is also educated in how he works. I have to say living with some one in their 30’s has it’s advantages.  He is aware of his learning disabilities and his limitations due to having ADD.  Maybe being diagnosed with ADD and his learning disability in college was a blessing as he was mature and motivated to educate himself in how to work with them so he can function in society.  He is aware that he mishears/misinterprets things that sound similar so he has informed me that if I don’t want to get frustrated and what him to actually hear what I am saying I need to look at him when I talk and to enunciate.  I’m not the best at remembering to do this so he kindly reminds me and I’m slowly learning.

We are, both aware of many of our limitations and doing our best to train the other to ensure a happy home environment.  I have to say we are both aware that there is a learning curve and it will take time for us to be trained and do the training, but for now we are both thinking that the other is worth the investment.

The good thing is we are both are going in with the attitude of being willing to be trained and to train. We are both open to new ideas and ways of doing things.  Last night we were discussing his ADD medications. The one he is on now is effective for 12 hours. Which is relativity a long time, but at the same time if you take it at 7am it’s only good till 7pm and if you are the normal person you still have a good 3 hours to deal with before bed.  And if the meds wear off you are left to figure out how to control your mind. What he has done in the past is to self medicate with a combination of liquor, caffeine, and Benadryl (which helps him to sleep and assists with his allergies).  This combination has worked in the past to an extent. Last night he told me that there is another medication that may work better, but instead of paying $3/mo it’s $25/mo. He was on it before and it was working, but due to being furloughed for the past year he had to cut costs and that was one of the things he cut.  Now that the furlough is over and I’m also renting he said maybe he should give it a try again. I agreed and said that I’m also paying a lot for supplements and medications to ensure I am living a full life as possible and if you can’t put a price on happiness then the extra cost we are both spending is worth it. So, hopefully he’ll make the switch and we’ll see how it goes. It would be nice to have a few more hours with him as all the good ones are being used up while at work. But that is reality most of the times, we expend all of our energy while on the job and by the time we get home our family ends up just getting the leftovers. I’m hoping to change that, for me too. I don’t want my family to always be getting the short end of the stick. That is so unfair that those you love and care about most get stiffed.  In doing so I have changed my routine. Instead of going home starving. I make sure I eat a late lunch and snack constantly through the day so I don’t go home hungry and grouchy. I have also figured out that it works out better if he gets home first so now I’m more apt to run a few errands after work even thought I’d rather just hurry home and this is making for a more pleasant home life.

 We’ve been living together for a little over a month now and are both learning and adapting and so far so good.  Hopefully harmony at home continues. Don’t get me wrong life it’s always roses at home. My feelings do get hurt at times and he does things or says things that trigger my PTSD, but we talk about it and sometimes we table a conversation for later and other times we end up agreeing to disagree and that is ok too.   And other times he totally mishears me and has to ask a dozen times for me to repeat or clarify.  The good thing is what he hears at times is so off the wall that he knows I must have said something totally different so he does have the sense, patience, and cares enough to questions me.  And then like last night we both came home quite grouchy so it was a rough night. We talked about it this morning and have some ideas of how to prevent future rough nights. We're hoping that the new medication will assist and maybe some routine changes will be implemented on those days when he comes home mentally overloaded. Right now it's all in theory, so we'll have to see how it does in practice. Time will tell. The good thing is we are willing to try new things to see what works and hopefully after enough tweaking we'll find something workable for all parties.

3x Survivor

As an into let me educate you as to the 5 types of abuse:


(Abuse is all about the abusers need for power and control)


1. Financial: Withholding money, putting you on a unrealistic budget, putting everything or nothing in your name, hiding, controlling, not letting you work, stealing, preventing education, getting you fired, destruction f property, drugs & alcohol, forcing evictions.
2. Spiritual: Forcing their beliefs on you, not letting you practice your religion, not letting you better yourself, making you do things or not letting you do things in the name of scripture, Isolation from friends family, society, not allowing you to express yourself, put downs, etc.
3. Emotional: Crazy making (moving things around and denying it so you think you are crazy, or saying things or denying saying things so you think you are crazy), Calling names, isolation, blame, lying, degradation, humiliation, brain washing, stalking etc.
4. Sexual: Rape, with holding sex, forcing to do something you aren't comfortable with, Prostitution, birth control, use of pornography, using sexual history, unwanted sex acts, affairs or threats, comparing to others, physical put downs, etc.
5. Physical: Hitting, biting, chocking, strangling, poking, kicking, hair pulling, pinching, tickling, no sleep, throwing items, burning,  blocking, punching a wall or breaking something or clenched fists (This is a threat of abuse and saying, if you don't behave you will be next.)

*******************

Last week’s class at Weave was about reasons people stay and leave abusive relationships.  It wasn’t till I took this class that I realized how abusive Randy was and is. I was shocked.  No wonder my therapist wanted me to go and get educated.  I am defiantly being educated and my eyes are really opening to a whole new world.  A world where a man has this sick desperate need to control and when he feels like things are out of his control the lengths he will go, to regain control. I remember that last night there; he blocked my way so I couldn’t leave. Later I asked him why he did it and he said “He didn’t know what else to do.” When I heard that it scared me, even more then the act itself. If he felt that out of control and didn’t know what else to do, what would he do next? Now, that is scary and that is the reason I never went back. Some may say I was lucky as he never physically hurt me, but the mental abuse, and threats were enough to send me running for my life.

In class they had us make a list of the reasons we stayed in an abusive relationship and the reasons we left.

Husband #1 He hit me the 1^st wk we were married. It took me 6months living in fear before I got the courage to leave him. I felt stupid for marrying him and ashamed and embarrassed, but knew I couldn’t live my whole life in fear so I finally sucked up my pride and left him. It took around 15 years to ever admit to anyone he hit me.

Husband #2 The abuse started before we were married, but I had such low self-esteem that I stayed. I did break up with him, but he begged me back, promised to give up drinking and change so I went back to him. In addition life where I was living wasn’t that great so to escape from one back place I went to another.  He was never horrible abusive, nothing like my 3^rd husband, and nothing like any of the women’s stories that I have met in my group, but it still wasn’t right. It wasn’t a healthy relationship. And my battle with depression and anxiety kept me locked in there.  It took me 10 years to break free and I have to say I still love and care about him deeply. He is my best friend and when I needed somewhere to go when my 3^rd husband was out of control his house is the 1^st place I thought of. I knew I would be safe there.  Now that we are not married our relationship is different now, we were able to step out of our old routines.  I am so thankful for his hospitality and for him taking care of me for several months when I left husband #3, but I had to get out of there due to as much as I loved him and cared for him, the reason I had left him were still there. He hadn’t changed. He is still an alcoholic and has anger issues.

Husband #3 He controlled me before we were even dating. I can see it now. He manipulated me to get what he wanted from day 1. I didn’t notice this till I was educated at WEAVE with ever class I attend I am seeing more and more ways he manipulated me and different ways he abused me. 

I am sickened by the thought of people using prestige and power to manipulate someone.  I am not talking about fame and fortune I am talking about things with in my church how people can use the idea that they are a current temple recommend holder as proof that they are a righteous person. Now I know that these are things you cannot judge by. This is quite sickening.  Don’t get me wrong I know I am far from perfect myself. And you are the first to know as I have a whole blog here listing many of my follies. Thus in now way do I ever put my self on a pedestal and judge.  He on the other hand put his self on a pedestal and thought he was so much better then me, he judged me like no one else. He nick picked my whole life and held me accountable for every folly I ever made since birth and thought he had to forgive me for all my wrong doings.  It was as if he wanted to be Christ our Lord and be my judge and master, how could I have been so blind.  I guess I didn’t fully grasp this till after we were married and in therapy so I guess I shouldn’t beat myself up too much over this. It’s amazing how much came out in therapy; the more we went the more I learned about him and how sick he was.  I have to say those 100 dollar sessions were a lot upfront, but in the end they paid for them self.

Prior to marriage he told me he had an addiction to porn.  He said he really wanted to overcome this so I was ok with it. I had faith he could overcome it and it wouldn’t affect our relationship. And the truth is Addictions have little to do with abuse. For way too long I let him blame his abuse toward me on his addiction, then on his ADD. What I have learned from Weave is those are excuses we as victims make for our abusers.   They are not reason for their behavior.  Once they get over their addiction or get help they need for their learning disability they will still be abusers.

Some people say too good to stay too good to go. Well there was nothing too good to stay. The only thing I was giving up was a fantasy of what I thought I had, hopes and dreams for the future and my pride that once again I messed up in picking a guy and lots of money. Out of all the husbands so far, this one takes the cake. He gave nothing and took everything. He didn’t even financially support me. All he ever did was took and continued to demand more. I gave him everything and he continually demanded more. He was unbelievable in that sense.

And I thank God that I had enough sense on my head to not let him knock me up. No wonder why he wanted to start a family so soon. He wanted to keep me trapped.

I am like all of the women in there, have been with men that need to control us and want to make it our fault. If we hadn’t done this or said that then they wouldn’t have done this or that. These men are sick and they are so skilled at manipulation. They can turn anything around to make us believe it is our fault. Thus by the time we get to WEAVE we are beaten down and confused. We question ourselves and if we really were abused or if we were the abusers. Our self esteem has been crushed so much that that we have no self-worth.   I have been in the class for 10 weeks now and am continuing to learn new things each week. Getting a better understanding of what happened and why it happened. I am learning so much about myself and how to avoid getting myself back into a similar situation. 

I am not the same person who first walked into WEAVE.  None of us can change our abusers, but we have 100% control of changing us and that is what we are doing. Meet the new me. 

Chutes and Ladders

I have a very busy life and try to make every moment count.  I love reading, but for now I just don't want set aside the time to read and I have a hard time sitting still. So my 60 minute commute to work gives me a window every day to read, but since that wouldn't be very safe I choose to listen to books on CD.  I am very picky on the CD's I choose to listen to.  As much as I love a good mystery I know that I need to work on me and retrain my mind to think differently so I don't struggle as much with depression and anxiety. Thus I choose books and speakers that help train my mind. My favorite book is Happiness Now by Robert Holden. Another book I loved was the Art of Happiness by the Dali Lama.  These two books were what brought me out of my depth of depression in 2009.  I also love listening to Joel Osteen. When some hear his name they cringe because they equate him with a money grubbing televangelist. And it's true he does broadcast his sermons. Others may not like him as they think of him as "Gospel Light." Someone who leaves you feeling good and happy at the end of his sermons. And that is what I love about him.  It's the perfect start to my day. I love listening to his uplifting feel good messages. 

People have a tendency to judge and when they walk by my car they may roll their eyes as they see it filled with a ton of self help CD's. Now you have heard my story I hope you won't get the wrong idea that I'm searching for a new cure or new God. I don't become born again every time I listen to someone. I don't put them on a pedestal and think they are my new hero.  I take what everyone says with a grain of salt. I have my own values and opinions and I think does that work with what I believe? If it goes along with my inner belief system then I embrace it, if not I just brush it aside and think that is just another way of looking at something, but it's not for me.  

For me this is a way of getting the training with out having to take the time to take a class or spend the money in individual counseling.  From my last therapist I know that I need to relearn how to interpret the world around me so I don't get so anxious and depressed.  Unfortunately I didn't learn these skills as a kid growing up and that has put me to a great disadvantage in the world. I am doing my best to play catch up and to change me so I can enjoy my life better. I am hoping that this is a less expensive, but just as effective alternative to one on one sessions with a therapist. Because the reality is I don't need a shrink to analyze my childhood or my last 3 marriages, what I really need is a teacher to hold my hand and say wait maybe this is a better way of interpreting this or that.  Since having someone stand by my side 24/7 is unrealistic, I am setting for having someone nudge me twice a day and hopefully their lessons and ideas will settle in and I can make them my new way of life of thinking. At least that is my hope. We'll see how it goes.

Just in case you are wondering what Joel Osteen says, here is an example of a thought he posted on his Facebook page. 

“You are where God wants you to be at this very moment. Every experience is part of His divine plan. Be confident and thankful that He has a special purpose for your life.”

This is so good to hear as sometimes I wonder if I really screwed up God’s plan for me as I choose this or that path.  Hearing this helps to calm my nerves a little bit and remind me that there is something bigger then me out there orchestrating my life.  So no matter what weird path I choose there will be a path created to lead me back where I’m suppose to be.  It’s kind of like the game Chutes and Ladders.

A little piece of Heaven

It was kind of funny this morning as my roommate made the comment, as I must be feeling better. I had to explain to him that I am the type of person that gets things done no matter how I feel. That is the way I was brought up. So unless I’m total killed over in pain or throwing up uncontrollably, I will get the necessities done in life. And for this morning that included getting up, out of bed, showering, eating a healthy breakfast and getting off to work early.  After spending way too many hours stressing about my finances this weekend I didn’t have to think twice about calling in sick. I had to make it in to work to achieve my financial goals. Even thought as I laid there in bed listen to the rain beating down I didn’t have any desire to summons myself out of bed.  And I have to say driving to work wasn’t any better. I sort of drove in a fog, took a very scenic route to work as I was totally out of it and kept thinking about how much I just wanted to go home get back in bed and cry.  But I made it to work and doing my best to focus on what is at hand. So far I have successful done some research and edited and ordered a new copy of the book I’ve been working on.

And in all this stress I do have so very much to be thankful for. On our way to work on Friday my roommate noticed that my front headlight was out and pulled me over on the side of the road to inform me and told me if I bought it he’d install it. Wow! I impressed with his ability and generosity. I’ve never had someone do that for me. I’ve always been the one to install headlights, change windshield wiper blades and car batteries.  And as it turned out on Friday after Josh took me to my doctor’s appointment he asked me to install his new windshield wiper blades for him, what can I say, I’m the go to person for everything under the sun.  So it was nice to know that when I got home I would be able to hand the baton to someone else.  And I’m happy to say by Sunday night I had a working headlight.  It’s such a change to live with someone that does so much for me and asks so little of me.  I have to say I’m loving this arrangement of being the rentor.   I have to say he’s quite resourceful too.  Before my roommate went out on Sunday to run errands he asked me if there was anything that I’d like. I mentioned to him that I’d like some of these sweet potato chips, but can’t find them. To my amazement he went to the computer, goggled them and found them, by pictures as I had no idea what brand they were, then he found there website and was able to locate a local store that had them. And then he made a special trip to the store while out to get them for me. Wow, I have to say I was impressed by his resourcefulness and the time he took to get them for me. If I were him while I was out I would of looked down the chip isle and if they weren’t there reported back no such luck. I’m just not much of a shopper these days and if the item isn’t at Costco or Raley’s it just doesn’t get purchased.

Living here is turning out to be my own little piece of heaven. And after I’ll I’ve been though I seriously deserve it. 

Trying to live in the NOW!

Bali Oct 2011

I’m not saying I’m not going to travel and see the world, because I am, but I’m not going to expect to step into a fantasy world when I step off that plane.  I will be going to Thailand later this year with my friend Julia and hopefully with some other friends from my Bali trip. The thing what made my Bali trip so amazing is I didn’t have any expectations other then going with an amazing group to get cheap massages and relax. I wasn’t there to see the scenery or to be transported into another world, just to relax and get away from life for a few days and that is exactly what I did. I read a couple of amazing books and got tons of massages and ate some amazing food. I didn’t stress about relationships or finances or work. I just enjoyed the moment and lived in the now.

That is what I miss about now. I’ve been so busy focusing on getting a job that I haven’t been able to come home after work and just enjoy the evening with my roommate.  I know it would be good for me to get a new job, but it’s totally stressing me out and I’m questioning if it’s really worth it.  Yea, the money would be good, but the energy it’s taking is just burning me out.  It’s hard to tell if I’m really in pain over this procedure that I had this past Friday or if I’m just overwhelmed over everything.  I am seriously spending way too much time looking at my finances and trying to figure out how in the world I’m going to be able to afford just living day to day and saving up to go to Thailand this fall. I’m this a new thing for me. I’ve never had to live pay check to paycheck and it’s killing me. I’m just not use to it. And I know I’m not normal. I know many people live paycheck to paycheck and they borrow from Harry to pay Sam, but that isn’t me. I’m the one that pays the bill when it arrives and not the person that has to go, well I can’t pay it yet, I need to wait till I get paid for this week or in two weeks I’ll have enough to pay it. This is a whole new concept for me and I’m just not liking it. I have to say I really have a new appreciation for being married and Josh as while we were together he paid all the bills no questions asked and I have to commend him for doing such an amazing job. They were always on time and we paid no late fees or he didn’t tell me. Occasionally he would ask for a check out of our savings account that we contributed to monthly, but other then that I didn’t hear a peep about our finances.

My roommate says I really need to stop spending so much time looking at my finances and stressing about it and he’s so true. I am totally driving myself crazy with this. And the thing is it’s not like I can do anything different. I’m as frugal as I can be so looking at it every dad isn’t helping. I hope to come up with a working budget soon so I can get a routine down and a system in place so I can know how much I spend each month and how much I can afford to save. I hope that now that the divorce has been filed and the paperwork has been turned in yet again, that I won’t have to be spending any more money on that.  That has seriously been an investment. Now the biggest investment I have to deal with is my health. I know it’s a small price to pay for physical and mental heath, but it’s so frustrating that it cost so much. I spent the weekend trying out how to reduce the cost of my supplements and did all I could to do that which is good. So hopefully I can put that to rest.

Can't compare to a movie

Some things are so much better left to the movies. Such as Europe, especially Venice. I just watched “The Tourist” and I have to say it brings back the fantasy of going to Venice, but the reality is I was just there this past summer and it wasn’t all that. My trip to Europe was far from romantic. Paris, being the romantic city that it is, wasn’t all that romantic. Some guy did woo me or sweep me off my feet upon arrival. I didn’t have come with an amazing story to tell. Well, I did come home with a story, but it was more of a horror story then a romantic love story. I did take a gondola ride, but it was more awkward then romantic. Even the scenery wasn’t that great. The cities were defaced with graffiti. Sadly to say, the real thing just never seems to live up to the movies. 

But, I’m not one to give up. I am a hopeless romantic in a realist body. I do know that one day I will take an amazing romantic vacation to a far off place and fall madly in love, hopefully it will be with my travel companion so I can keep falling in love with the same person over and over again.  The trip will be everything I expected plus so much more. I will one day marry someone that I’m totally attracted to and I will be able to wake up smiling every morning and think wow, he sure is hot just the way he is. 

For now I’m not going to make another pilgrimage to Europe even though watching this movie makes me want to go back and give it just one more try. The thing is movies are just that, a fantasy, a place we can all escape to when reality is too much.  It’s a cheap way to take a trip with out leaving your couch.  Don’t get me wrong I would love to step into the tv at times and experience that fantasy, but I know even if I meet the movie stars that I so loved in the movies they are just that actors playing a part. They aren’t real. So I keep plugging along looking for my own happily ever after. As much as I deny it I have the feeling that it’s much closer then I think. But, we shall see how the story unfolds and what happens when the novelty wears off.