Trying to live in the NOW!

Bali Oct 2011

I’m not saying I’m not going to travel and see the world, because I am, but I’m not going to expect to step into a fantasy world when I step off that plane.  I will be going to Thailand later this year with my friend Julia and hopefully with some other friends from my Bali trip. The thing what made my Bali trip so amazing is I didn’t have any expectations other then going with an amazing group to get cheap massages and relax. I wasn’t there to see the scenery or to be transported into another world, just to relax and get away from life for a few days and that is exactly what I did. I read a couple of amazing books and got tons of massages and ate some amazing food. I didn’t stress about relationships or finances or work. I just enjoyed the moment and lived in the now.

That is what I miss about now. I’ve been so busy focusing on getting a job that I haven’t been able to come home after work and just enjoy the evening with my roommate.  I know it would be good for me to get a new job, but it’s totally stressing me out and I’m questioning if it’s really worth it.  Yea, the money would be good, but the energy it’s taking is just burning me out.  It’s hard to tell if I’m really in pain over this procedure that I had this past Friday or if I’m just overwhelmed over everything.  I am seriously spending way too much time looking at my finances and trying to figure out how in the world I’m going to be able to afford just living day to day and saving up to go to Thailand this fall. I’m this a new thing for me. I’ve never had to live pay check to paycheck and it’s killing me. I’m just not use to it. And I know I’m not normal. I know many people live paycheck to paycheck and they borrow from Harry to pay Sam, but that isn’t me. I’m the one that pays the bill when it arrives and not the person that has to go, well I can’t pay it yet, I need to wait till I get paid for this week or in two weeks I’ll have enough to pay it. This is a whole new concept for me and I’m just not liking it. I have to say I really have a new appreciation for being married and Josh as while we were together he paid all the bills no questions asked and I have to commend him for doing such an amazing job. They were always on time and we paid no late fees or he didn’t tell me. Occasionally he would ask for a check out of our savings account that we contributed to monthly, but other then that I didn’t hear a peep about our finances.

My roommate says I really need to stop spending so much time looking at my finances and stressing about it and he’s so true. I am totally driving myself crazy with this. And the thing is it’s not like I can do anything different. I’m as frugal as I can be so looking at it every dad isn’t helping. I hope to come up with a working budget soon so I can get a routine down and a system in place so I can know how much I spend each month and how much I can afford to save. I hope that now that the divorce has been filed and the paperwork has been turned in yet again, that I won’t have to be spending any more money on that.  That has seriously been an investment. Now the biggest investment I have to deal with is my health. I know it’s a small price to pay for physical and mental heath, but it’s so frustrating that it cost so much. I spent the weekend trying out how to reduce the cost of my supplements and did all I could to do that which is good. So hopefully I can put that to rest.