Raving Lunatic

Don’t be so quick to judge the raving lunatic person.  Trust me no one is born mad. Something drove them to it. I know because I was that person that flipped out on the camping trip.  I was the one that appeared to go crazy over nothing.  What you don’t know is why I lost my cool. You thought getting my boyfriend plastered and watching him stumble and fall all over was funny. When I took his 3^rd Patron shot away (after he had already drank numerous screw drivers you laughed at me and gave him another.

What they didn’t know is when he gets drunk he treats me like crap.  I had already endured 6 month of his mean comments and I guess I had finally had enough and snapped. I guess I was living in a fantasy world thinking that things would be different on the camping trip and get better with him. That it would be fun to go camping with friends. I left that camping trip a smarter woman. Those people are not my friends and I don’t plan on associating with them again. And since they are his “friends,” people he chooses to hang out with I will live with my reputation as the Raving Lunatic and not tell them the why.

For 9 months I have been asked almost nightly “Are you getting fat?” and other not so flattering and sometimes crude questions and having my gray hairs pulled out one by one, and some other things we won't mention here.

He’s not all evil, no one is. He’s taken good care of me when he’s sober. He cooks dinners for me and creates his own marinades that I can eat. He goes out of his way to buy things when he’s shopping that I can eat. He comforts me and holds me when I’m crying.  I have been quite ill since I moved in and he has taken care of me and I guess due to those circumstances I didn’t see or realize how his behavior would be characterized as abusive according to the battered women’s class I took after I left Randy. The sad thing I traded worse for bad. It was better then what I had, but still not well.

You’d think I would have learned something in that class and not gotten myself into this type of situations again.  The only thing I can guess is due to me being so sick I just didn’t see it or have the strength to do anything about it until now. I’m still exhausted and burnt out.  I have spent the past too many years giving 200% of myself and living on an empty bucket.  Somehow I need to refuel and adapt to caring for myself and working full time. I still haven’t adjusted to that. There just isn’t enough time in the day to do it all.

So, there you got it. The Raving Lunatic isn’t so mad after all.  She just can only handle so much before she pops.

(Sorry for two not so pleasant posts. Hopefully the next one will be more uplifting, funny, and happy.)

Another Journey

I’m so frustrated that I’ve been sick for so long and unable to take care of myself. It’s frustrating to be so burn out of cooking and eating that you have to relay on others to do it for you.  And because I’ve been so sick I’m not noticed what has been going on around me. Now that I’m feeling a bit better my eyes are opened and I am shocked at what I’ve let happen to me.  Now that my eyes have been fully open I realize that I need to move yet again, but I wonder if I have the strength to do it, to take care of myself.  I feel so dumb for letting this happen to me yet again.  I kick myself for being so smart, yet so dumb.  I used to pray the small prayer, help them figure out what is wrong with me, now I’ve moved on to the big bold prayers, please heal me. 

Now that my eyes have been opened now it’s time to do something about it.   My parents have been so gracious and helpful in taking most of my stuff home and storing for me.  I am so blessed that I don’t have to toss it or pay for a storage unit. Now I’m down to just a few boxes and if we eliminated all the winter clothing there wouldn’t be that much at all.

Well, it’s time to act as if I’m healed or humble myself lots and relay on those that love me to take care of me and move on.  So yes Mom, don’t be surprised if I ask you to start coming up on the weekends and cooking for me because I can’t do it myself.   At least I’m blessed to have this option. Now it’s time to find somewhere to move. My guess, it wouldn’t be my 1^st choice, but close to work.

The Journey begins yet again to move.

I think I need an Exorcist

I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long it’s been a rough year.  I really did feel like I was in a good place in 2010, before I got married. Since this last marriage my life seems to have spun out of control emotionally and I’m still yet to recover.

1^st I get married to what I thought was a man of god. Someone who would inspire me and help me achieve my dreams while I helped him achieve his.  As it turns out I ended up apologizing during the marriage for my inequities and blaming myself. Finally after he scared me to death, I ran for my life and spent a great deal of time in counseling and a battered women’s group. 

Next I embarked on allergy shots. I tried this yrs ago and it was a horrific experience, but I thought I would give it another go around. Once again it’s a pretty horrific experience, but I endured with the mind set it would only be a little bit of hell for a long time of peace. We’re yet to see the out comes of that. It’s gotten better, but it’s still not my cup of tea.

As for now I’m being treated by a local nutritionals/holistic doctor.  I tried the traditional medicine Kaiser method and that didn’t seem to help so I figured to give this a try.  The latest diagnosis is Celiac Disease and other food allergies.  She believes that food can alter your mind/mood.   She has me testing foods to see how they affect my moods. I was on a strict diet from Dec to May. Then in May I started adding foods back to my diet. I have noticed my moods change depending on what I’ve eaten.  So now I’m on strict diet of Meat, Fruit, Veggies and Herbs for seasoning.  (No, grain, wheat, gluten, oats, tapioca, yeast, dairy, coffee, corn, and occasional rice or real potatoes (meaning in their natural form only.)) It’s helping I think.

Just recently she put me on some supplements to help with my hormones and thyroid.  She said it would take a month to work.  I’m crossing my fingers because I’m not sure how long I can go on like this.

I know they all say happiness is in your mind. You have to set your mind to be happy, and I do. I really do. I want to be happy, but at times I feel like I’m possessed. I’m beginning to wonder if those movies that portray possessed people are true.   I wonder if I’m being possessed by a demon at times. I know it may sound kooky, but if you think about it, it kind of makes sense. I’m a god-fearing kind of gal. I listen to uplifting talks or music in my car. I surround my self with things of God, beautiful artwork, kind people, and real uplifting stuff. I go to church every Sunday. I pray daily. I don’t alter my mind with drugs or alcohol.  I spend time in the presence of uplifting company.  I smile often and do my best to keep a positive attitude.  I read uplifting books and literature and try to watch uplifting movies. And I eat healthily. So, why is it when I drive home at times I wonder how fast I need to drive into that cement wall to kill myself. Or how fast I need to go to make it over the side of the bridge.

Maybe it is food that is affecting my moods. Maybe it is my hormones and thyroid that is making me feel this way.  One thing I know changing my attitude or praying isn’t going to make these feelings go away.   I think about what my doctor said years ago, that I need to move somewhere where life is slower. He said that life in CA is just too fast pace for you.  So I’ve been thinking about that. Any suggestions?  Something needs to change because I don’t know how much longer I can keep living and feeling like this.

On the other hand if there are demons living in me wouldn’t it just be easier to have an exorcists?!   Maybe I’m the next Job(from the bible). God and Satan are sitting around testing me.

Or if you have any suggestions on other Doctors please message me. I’m up for trying most anything at this time.  

Till then I’m doing my best at enjoying life. I’m finally taking a trip to Vermont, somewhere I’ve dreamed about going for a long time. I heard it looks like you stepped out of a Norman Rockwell painting there. And I’m planning on going to Costa Rica soon as my contract is up in January for a week of relaxation and pampering on the beach. As much as I want that husband and family, since that’s not in the cards for now I might as well follow my other dreams of traveling. Maybe I’ll stumble over him on my travels. 

Wife and mother was suppose to be my next career move, but since that didn’t come to play I’m now working at a bank on a contract working in their loan division shuffling papers. So don’t ask me about interest rates, I have no idea.  I am a glorified paper shuffler, and getting pretty good at it for only starting at the end of June. For the first time I left Friday feeling like I’ve got the process down.