Not the life I signed up for.

And they lived happily every after.  That is the life I think we all signed up for. As a little girl I dreamed one day that I would grow up, get married, live in a little house with a white picket fence, have a dog and have perfectly well behaved children.  I wanted to be a mom and a school teacher. Then at 65 my husband and I would retire and live happily ever after.

Keeping the above in mind, it's hard to imagine that that there was a pre-mortal existence and God asked each of us if we'd accept certain challenges before he send us down to earth.  I really believe this happened. And believing that it's hard to imagine a "Me," who was confident and willing to take on these challenges.  

Now I want to know, what happened to that "Me" that said "Yes" up in heaven and the "Me" that is down here on earth dealing with all this life that isn't going "happily every after?"  Over the years I have witnessed the "Me" that accepted these challenges, she is inside me somewhere, but she seems to be hidden most of the time. The Self-Consicous, lacking of Courage, Faith, Hope and Self-Confidence "Me" seems to be present most of the time.

Everyone needs to feel like they have a purpose in life, a reason for living. Last year I thought I'd figured out my purpose. It was to write this book. Actually it was a series of books, that I researched and found out no one else had written on this subject. I really thought this was something God wanted me to do to help others out by learning through my experiences.  I was on a roll. I had a timeline of how long it would take to write, edit, and submit or publish the book. I had started with the first edit of the book and was really loving the progress. I was really happy and excited about where I was going in life.  I hit a bump in the road when allergy season hit and I felt too sick and tired to write, but I figured I'd pick right up when I was feeling better. Then I hit a roadblock when I told my mom about the plan and that was the end of my dream. Why can't I have a mom that says follow your dream, we'll support you in what every you do. Why can't I have a mom that has faith in me and believes in me. Instead I have a mom that is practical and logical and that gives the world's worst advice. (I love my mom because she is my mom and she means well, she just doesn't always say the right things and has perfected putting her foot in her mouth. Knowing this I need to stop listening to her bad advice, but it's hard she's my mom, and I want to please her and believe her.)

So here I am now, dreamless, purposeless. At a dead end.  I get up, exercise, go to work, to pay those bills, go home, go to bed and then my day starts all over again. Why? What now?  There has to be more to life then this?  I do my best to keep busy by getting together with friends, or people I barley know just to distract myself from this endless rat race. 

I really thought writing that book was my purpose in life. I would be revealing my innermost thoughts to help other girls like me. And maybe I need to get back to writing my book and ignore my Mom and chalk it up as another piece of bad advice she has given me.