I am Food(ed) out

So maybe fooded isn't a word, but that is how I feel. I just can't eat another bite of food. Nothing seems appetizing. Or if it does seem appetizing, by the time I sit down and to eat it my stomach is turning.  This isn't a new issue for me. I've always had issues with food, eating, and my weight. To add to it, my blood sugar drops frequently so I need to eat something every couple of hours. If not all hell breaks out and I totally loose my mind. I'm beyond grouchy, I have no logic and there is no reasoning with me. That is why I try my best to pack granola bars with me where ever I go.

For the past many months or year I have eaten oatmeal every morning as a way to eat breakfast and get it over with.  A couple of days ago I followed my morning routine made my oatmeal and just stared at it. It took all my energy to swallow. The next two days I ate Go Lean cereal because it was there, it was ok, but I just couldn't do it today. I ended up eating a granola bar on the way to work. I knew I had to eat something. Now I'm trying to get through lunch. I've taken a few bites, but wondering if the chicken is cooked all the way through. It's a little to squishy for my taste. Yesterday I made lasagna and had that for lunch. I think it took me 5 hours to get it all down.  I am really lost of what to do to get my appetite back.

My issues with food and my weight started one year in NY on a family vacation when I was a little kid. I got on one of those old fashion scales and my dad made some comment about me needing to exercise or something and it went down hill from there. I've always been self conscious about my looks.  In college I became obsessed with exercising and would work out three times a day. After college I got into body building, but gave that up when I became fooded out. I just couldn't consume enough to bulk up. It was so frustrating. I do miss my old schedule of working 8-5, driving down the street after work to Gold's Gym and working out for 2 hrs. I think it would do me good if I got back into some work out routine. 

Food has been a big struggle for me in my last marriage. My boss is pre-diabetic and wanted my help about 2yrs ago with his diet. I did all this research and taught him all about food, portion control, counting carbs, eating fresh non-processed food, etc. I did my best to get him on the right path, but with his wife working against me in the quest fill the house with ice cream and refusing to cook it hasn't been a success. On the other hand my ex picked up on it and became a health nut. He took "Clean Eating" to the next level and would make faces at me when I went off his self-imposed regiment. So, having a low self image of myself and having eating issues already I felt horrible and eating with him around became a constant battle. I have always been a health conscious. I was raised with no dessert, candy, colored cereal, no soda, etc. My parents engrained in me healthy eating and exercise. This is the way I was raised, but I never imposed my values on anyone else.  I am happy to say I have maintained a fairly constant weight these past 8 years and can still fit in my Wedding dress. Knowing that he should of realized I didn't need his preaching. I can see if I let myself go maybe his assistance would of been appreciated, but that was far from the case. On the other hand he rarely exercised and had continue to gain weight over the years.  His strict eating regiment and exercise has paid off. He has lost the extra pounds and is very lean.  He was even featured in "The Eat-Clean Diet for Men" by Robert Kennedy & Tosca Reno.  He continues thanks me for helping him and change his life, but it's been a hell of a journey for me. On my side, yea, I'm healthier, leaner, and look even better then before, but I'm not sure if it's really been worth the emotional pain. 

It's not just food that has been an issue for me. It's also been my figure. I have always been self-conscious about the way I look. My ex convinced me that I should wear bikinis even though I didn't feel comfortable in them. I tried them for years till I got to the point I didn't want to go swimming anymore. This year I picked up a one piece bathing suit  and now I feel much better about spending time in the water. I actually suggested going to the water park this year, that's a first for me and I had lots of fun.

Over the years I have worn lots of clothing I haven't feel comfortable in because I was afraid if I didn't wear them, my husband wouldn't be attracted to me and would run off with his secretary.  I probably just watch too many movies, but I was convinced of it. So for years I have worn skin tight, revealing, sheer, and sexy, uncomfortable clothing.  Over the past few years I have slowly been pushing those clothing to the back of the closet and have slowly added in pieces that I feel comfortable wearing. The biggest challenge I have with clothing is I am really short and it's not easy finding things that fit. The sleeves are too long and pants are too long. And to add to it all I am very thrifty so I buy 99.9% of my clothing at thrift stores so it's not always finding what I need in petite.  I've recently learned that other short people have their clothing tailored so I am giving in and paying the money to do that. 

I am slowly coming into my own.  Now if I could just quickly recover from all these scars.  I feel like I suffer from PTSD and I didn't even go overseas to fight for this country, all I did was fight the battles at home and over the fence.