To Do list
#1 Stay Sane
#2 Don’t lose my mind
#3 Find my mine
#4 Find my sanity
I stopped blogging due to my life spun out of control. I wanted to protect my husband. I’m sorry to report that my life is not getting better. One thing after another just keeps happening. To keep my sanity I decided last night that I’m going to go back to blogging. First I thought of making my blog private, but then I know how confusing it is to access a private blog. So I thought it would be easier if I just changed my blog address. Facebook gave a new privacy option that lets you post and exclude certain people so that is what I decided to do for now. That is till my husband decides to hack into my facebook account.
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(The below was written Saturday and has been revised a million times after a talk with my girlfriend who helped me see a new perspective and thus helped me explain myself better..)
I am at a total loss for words. I don’t even know how to describe my feelings right now. I’ve never felt so violated in my life. Something that was so precious to me was ripped from me and can never be replaced.
I didn’t think he could top feeding his addiction on the first day of our honeymoon, but Friday Aug 26th he has managed to do it. This one really takes the cake.
1. He hacked into my gmail account and according to him he did this on Friday to read the e-mails and text messages between me and my ex. I have nothing to hide so that is not what bothers me, it is how he went about doing it. I really don’t know the exact day or time. And I really don’t know what he read, deleted, forwarded, or copied. For all I know he could of read all my e-mail between me and my girlfriends. And that bothers me as I go to my girlfriends for advice, they are my sounding board, they are the ones that help me see a different perspective. So by the time our conversations are done my feelings and thoughts are different. So if someone were to only read the before and not the after then they would not see the whole picture and that is not fair. Not being able to trust my husband at all is the worst feeling in the world. This is a person I should be able to trust with my life, my deepest fears, secrets, ect. (This is not the first time he has violated my privacy. He has also read my journal, my other blogs that I had kept up while married to my ex. This didn't bother me at the time, but now he uses what he read against me. That is where the problem lies. Before we got married I let him use my computer to help me to figure out how to program my remote. I thought was spending the whole time searching google. Now I know what took so long and why he never figure out how to do it as he was too busy searching my computer for pictures of me that I was waiting to share with him after we got married, they were from my modeling years and just weren't appropriate to share prior to marriage. His seeing the pictures prior to marriage didn't bother me as much as the way he went about doing it and then as he was trying to cover up his tracks he deleted all of my pictures off my computer. And corrupted several programs. To make it worse it was my work laptop. When he handed me my laptop back I was trying to do some work and I couldn't access my programs. I figured it was just a glitch. I had no idea what he did till later. When he did tell me what he did. I forgave him with out a second thought. Now I feel so dumb for being so quick to forgive as now he thinks he can do anything and I will just keep forgiving him and he doesn't have to pay any penalty.)
2.
When he wronged me on our honeymoon I was in total shock and upset, but I put aside those feelings being the pragmatic logical person I am. (And now I see my not getting upset at the time didn't benefit him as he didn't get how much he hurt me by his actions. If I were to do it again I would still probably do what I did, but I realize now that my putting off my anger and hurt was not his his best interest as now I realize he thinks he can do anything to me and I will just forgive him at the drop of a hat.) I may never be able to take a trip like that again so I wasn’t going to let his indiscretion ruin our trip. I waited till we returned home to deal with it. Upon arrival home I packed up my stuff, moved into his apartment while researching the best most effective programs for his addiction and 2 wks later I had him signed up for a recovery program. I was confident that if he followed this program that he would be free of his addiction.
Due to the trauma of this experience and several anger outbursts of his on our honeymoon my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) kicked in and I’ve been in personal counseling ever since our return from our honeymoon. We are also in couples counseling trying to work things out. This last session I really thought we made progress. I was looking forward as much as I can at this time to returning home (I’m currently house sitting and have been since Tuesday) and trying out what we learned.
Then Friday, Aug 26th my world turned upside down once again.
Now here I am a day later walking and driving around in a complete daze and crying off and on uncontrollably. Friday night in hopes to keep my self from crying all night I went over to my girlfriend's house as she invited me over earlier in the day for a potluck. It was good to be surrounded by happy chatty people. It kept my mind off my life. But I could only stay so long as I was tired and had to drive home. Saturday morning I was out driving and all of a sudden I started crying uncontrollably and that continued on and off all day. I did my best to keep busy so as to not cry all day and become overly depressed. I ran some errands. For the most part I just walked through the stores in a daze, unable to focus, unable to concentrate and get what I was looking for. When I let my self feel I was anger and agitated, but for the most part I don’t know what to feel. My life is no longer my own. I am just floating though it. I kind of feel like a deer may feel as if it were standing in the road and a car was coming toward it. Just wide eyed and unable to move.
I have no idea what my next move is or where I am going from here. For right now I’m totally talked out. So if you see me crying uncontrollably try to ignore the tears and tell me about your life. Distract with me any way possible. On Monday I’m going to have to return to work all cheery and peppy. I have no idea how I’m going to do it, but I am because I can’t loose my job. I need it. With out it I will be penniless. And I don’t want that. I can’t go back to feeling trapped again. This job gives me independence.
I might as well add. He decided to confront me around noon on Friday. We had plans to get together for dinner that night at 5pm, but he couldn’t wait till then. It was horrible. I was working on something with my boss and had to politely excuse myself to talk to him. And let’s just say I was unable to return to work at full capacity. I originally scheduled to leave work early so to add to the time I had to take off to deal with my irate husband, my account being hacked I was unable to finish my work. I left promising to finish my project over the weekend. I tried my best to be professional, but sadly I am not a very good actor. I hope by Monday I can compose myself.
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