I can’t believe I was on such a roll yesterday. Apparently yesterday was the day to stick my foot in my mouth. It happened again later in the day in a totally different situation. So, by mid-day I was toast. I felt like the biggest idiot ever.
Thus said I must report that the day ended well. After work I went to Josh’s house and he made me some meals for the upcoming weeks. Over the weekend I made a new pot of stew following a recipe my mom had made a few weeks prior and to my dismay my stew tasted nothing like hers. So, sadly I have a lot of healthy meals I can eat, but am not very fond of. So I asked Josh if I could come over and make some Moroccan Chicken and Lentils. He was very gracious and made it for me. I helped a little, but he did most of the work. I would have made it at my new place, but I left most of my food over at his house. I’m slowly getting everything moved over. I filled up my car while there and took another load home with me. It’s a slow process, which he’s ok with as it gives me an excuse to come over.
When I got back to my place I found my roommate and his friend hanging out in the garage. It was really nice to meet one of my roommate’s friends. You can learn a lot about a person by who they hang out with. I chatted with them as I unloaded my car. And his friend got to know me as I paraded all of my stuff by him. It was quite comical. Having his friend there was also a great buffer for me, as I was still feeling uneasy about my morning debacle.
When his friend left things were fine. All the awkward uncomfortable feelings went always and we were back to normal. What a relief. I guess I stressed all day for nothing. It wasn’t really for nothing, it will be a reminder burned into my mind of what not to do. I really hope I learned from this mistake and don’t do it again. That would be really embarrassing.
I saw my roommate again this morning and everything seems fine so that is good.
I have to say I’ve been feeling much better lately. I’m not so tired. I think going to bed early and waking early has really helped me. My roommate, like me is very fond of getting 8 hours of sleep so we are both going to be early. It’s a weird adjustment for me as when I was living with Josh he stayed up to all hours of the night and if I didn’t take the innovative and go to bed I would be up late too and then I’d sleep in and go to work late. I can’t blame it all on Josh’s late hours of why I went to be late either. I really dreaded going to bed because that meant when I woke up I’d have to do it all over again and I wasn’t looking forward to living another stressed out day. Things have calmed down for me. I have to say these classes at WEAVE have really helped. They have put in perspective how abusive he was to me. I never really thought of him as being abusive. I just chalked it up to his addiction and his issues with ADD/OCD. I’m really glad my therapist pushed me to go to WEAVE and take these classes. Now that I am no longer under Randy’s thumb and being terrorized by him I’m able to take control of my life and my emotions. I know I can’t blame him for all of my troubles and the downward spiral I went into while we were together. I forgive him because I don’t want to waste energy on hating him. Hating him won’t do me any good. When I say I forgive him it doesn’t mean that I condone his behaviors. What he did to me was wrong. I believe that he is not an evil person. I don’t think he ever meant to hurt me. He just doesn’t know how to live without his addiction and how to treat/interact with others. I don’t regret or question leaving him anymore and I have no desire to put myself back into that situation again. I say this because I have a big heart and forgive at the drop of a hat so it was hard making the decision to walk away instead of giving him another chance.
Looking back I recall a conversation my mom relayed to me that she had with his mom. His mom said he doesn’t have many friends because he rather drop them then reconcile when they face a bump in the road. I hope he can get the help he needs to become an asset to society. I know that it is possible to change. As I am not the same person I was when I was 21, was married to Josh, or even this last year. I am continuing to change and evolve. I am unlearning my bad habits and replacing them with new habits.
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