“The Roommate”

I think it’s time for me to move out on my own. Josh has been very sweet to let me stay with him these past few months, but it’s time for me to get back on my two feet and proceed forward. It’s not an easy decision.  It’s been so nice to be back home with my doggies and back into a comfortable routine.  For the most part the living situation has been amazing. We are comfortable living together and together the house runs smoothly.  There is no bickering on who takes out the trash, does the laundry, or cooks the meals. Things just flow.  It’s hard to give all this up.

I’m feeling quiet anxious, as last time I moved in with someone it was a complete disaster. I really believed that when I got married this last time that this was going to be the last time I moved.  I thought I finally found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with. And as you know that didn’t quite work out as planned. So, now I’m moving in with someone I barley know hoping that things will work out.  Maybe this is better as moving in with someone I thought I knew didn’t quite work out so well.  

It’s hard to believe that it was a year ago Sept(2010) that I moved out of my house and then a year later (Sept 2011) I moved right back in.  It’s quite ironic if you look at the time line. 

Josh really doesn’t want to seem me go as it’s been a very nice living situation for both of us.  My biggest concern is if I don’t move now I’ll never move out because things are comfortable. And the whole reason I left him the first time is because I wanted more then comfortable. I don’t want to end up like my boss who’s now in 78.  If you ask him why he married his wife, he’ll tell you because she was nice.  She was his house sitter and he ended up coming home early from his trip, she didn’t have anywhere to go as she scheduled her housing around housesitting jobs and then she just never moved out. I know it sounds a bit odd, but I just don’t want to be 78 like my boss and be living with someone because it’s comfortable and I’m too lazy to move and by then you’re quite financially invested in the situation. Comfortable is good, it beats what I had with my current husband, but I want more.  And I know that I deserve more and can get more.

So, here I am about to move out of my home once again. Not only am I morning the loss of my hopes and dreams of my current marriage that didn’t quite go as planned. I now get to morn the loss of leaving everything that is familiar to me, my home, my dogs, my routines, my neighbors, my church group, etc all over again.

I’m just crossing my fingers that this roommate situation works out. Josh is quite skeptical of it all and suggested that I leave most of my stuff at the house and only take what I need.  I guess I should look at as less stressful as I don’t need to hurry up and get all my stuff out, but it does make me a more nervous that I’m a horrible judge of character and this really won’t work out. At least I have somewhere to go back to, but that isn’t saying much about me.  Do I really suck that much at judging people?  Josh did give me a card the other day and in it wrote me a sweet note thanking me for being so loving, giving, forgiving, etc. Apparently those amazing qualities that I possess seem to be working against me.   

While in Bali I read the book “Eat, Love, Pray.” And I learned many things about myself. One thing is I always see the potential in everyone. The problem with this great quality is I never see the person as how they are now. I see them as God sees them, I see their greatness and potential.  Knowing this I need to work on seeing things as they really are.  I’m not quite sure how to do this, hopefully the classes I’m taking at WEAVE can help me with this.