Did you sit down Dec. 31st and come up with some amazing things you plan to do this year? If so it’s day 12. How are you sticking to it? As for me I didn’t sit down and write out a bunch of unobtainable goals. Instead on the right side of my blog I started a list of my goals. Things I want to do, places I want to go, and things I want to buy. The nice thing about having them on my blog I review them often, others see them so I’m accountable and they aren’t in ink so I can revise them anytime I please.
I’m happy to report I’ve been able to check of the first thing on my list. I finally got to see a Cirque de Soleil show. It wasn’t the Vegas show “O,” but that is ok. You can’t complain when the ticket is a gift. The show was nothing like I expected. Back in 2000 I saw Journey of a Man, the 3-D cirque du soleil Movie and loved it. I love the acrobatics and the music. This show had some acrobatics, but it was mostly dancing and singing. And the music was totally different. This show was a tribute to Michael Jackson. I’m not a die hard MJ fan, but he is my era and I do enjoy his music. Over all I have to say the show was amazing. It was fast pace, kept my attention and upbeat. A good combination of fast and slow songs. My only complaint was it was a little loud. It’s a very pricy show, but I have to say it’s worth the price of admission and I look forward to seeing another show in the future.
2wks ago my WEAVE class was on healthy communication and behavior. It went over: Passive, Passive/Aggressive, Aggressive, and being assertive. Since then I have been working on being more assertive. I grew up learning to be passive aggressive and know that is not a very healthy way to be and have been activity trying to change that. Since I’ve been living with my roommate it’s been a little awkward. He’s very assertive and shares his thoughts and feelings freely. In the past I have the tendency to share too much and make people feel awkward and uncomfortable I’ve been biting my tongue and just listening and taking it all in. As I don’t want to overwhelm him or make him feel uncomfortable as things I say don’t always come out how I mean them. During class I worked on some “I” statements and came up with some things I wanted to say. When I got home I waited for just the right time to present them and I did and it was a success. He was caught a little off guard as I was actually speaking up and was doing it in such a concise and clear matter. He understood what I was saying and why I was saying it and agreed to not say keep saying or bringing up the things that were bothering me. After that interaction I feel more confident in being assertive. On Sunday I gave it another try and again it was a success, I didn’t offend him and he was once again impressed by my presentation.
On Wednesday night we got into another discussion. Or shall I say I asked him a question and he answered and I was a bit bewildered by his answer. Maybe that put it lightly. I seriously wanted to pack up and move out and cry, not sure what order, but that is what was running through my head. It was around 11pm and we were both half awake and I know that is not the best time to have a deep discussion so I tried my best to hold back my tears, let go of my thoughts and just go to sleep. It was tough to not speak and just relax. In addition his mind was going a million miles a minute and he was jabbering about this and that, and I had to tell him to just quite his mind and go to sleep too. On my drive to work I thought about what he said and what I wanted to say. When I got to work I spend about an hour writing down my thoughts and feelings. I did my best to edit it down so it was concise and to the point . I kept everything in “I” statements and ended up with 3 pages typed. I then set that aside and focused on work. After work I had my class and then returned home around 7:30 and we proceeded to make dinner. Actually we worked together to make my dinner as he already ate. I thought that was very sweet of him as I told him I would just be happy to eat leftovers. After the kitchen was cleaned I sat down on the couch and told him I wanted to talk now that we are awake and alert as after last night we had agreed not to have any serious conversations late at night. I told him that after he got on his soap box last night I wanted to pack up and move out and cry, but voted that it would be better to just go to sleep. I then told him that I thought about it on my way to work and I wrote it all out when I got to work so I could put it aside, focus on work and come back to it now. He said he was very impressed and he isn’t easy to impress, just ask his friends. When he was ready he joined me on the couch and proceeded to read him what I wrote. He assured me that it was ok if I got emotional as I read it and he wasn’t going to be upset and I was free to share my feelings with him and it wouldn’t change things between us. He listened intently and let me finish what I had written. When I was done he said that I inspired him and that is not something any girl has ever done and I actually brought tears to his eyes. He was amazed and impressed on my ability to share my feelings so clearly and concise.
It wasn’t easy for me to share, as what I want on the surface is so different then what he wants, but in the end what we want is the very same thing. Either way this is a real deal breaker for me. I think that by my explaining/presenting it the way I did it may change his perception on it, but we will have to see. The discussion is still open and it’s a tough one as even if we can find a consensus, outside forces can still greatly affect the outcome. And that is the big issue at hand here. It all has to do with outside influences and how much they have a hold on us and how much we will let other people rule our lives. And our ability to stand up for what we want with out offending outside parties. This is a hard one when that party is your parents. No one wants to rock the boat when it comes to family and if you have always been one who needs approval from your family it’s hard to do things they don’t approve of. My idea is for him to educate your parents, but he knows them better then me and is convinced that will be impossible as they are set in their ways. I can’t argue with him on that as he has 38 years of experience dealing with his parents. I do have a lot of faith in God, that all will work out as he planned it, but I don’t want to make the same mistake as I have in the past and keep looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. This is one of my greatest blessings and one of the things that has brought me the most heartbreak. I see people’s flaws, but I also see their potential and I see myself being with them in this potential state. So when my roommate got on his soapbox the other night it was a kick in the head, and I told him that. I told him that I needed that I need him to slap me in the face(of course not literally) and say this is the way I am, take it or leave it because I’m not changing.
God has given me this great gift to see everyone’s potential and to be in tuned with them to help them achieve it. This goes along with my post-entitled Soul Mates, posted Dec. 27, 2011. I loved him so much, but the problem was I loved the person who I knew he could become and not the person he was right then and there. And he knew that. He could see into me as much as I could see into him and it broke his heart, as he was unable to be that person now that I loved and yearned to be with. He loved me also, he loved me so much that he let me go as he knew he couldn’t be the person I deserved. And that was hard thing for both of us, but in the end it broke my heart twice, but I also appreciate that he was man enough to let me go. He knew he had to be then one to let me go as he knew I would continue loving him and never let go. I still love him. I always will. I know that one day he will see the light and become the man I saw within him.
That puts me at now. I need to figure out what to do. (1) Do I live with the faith that things will work out as God planned it however that may be? Things may or may not go as “I” planned it. (2) I run away and do my best to orchestrate things so they are exactly how I think I want them.
Looking at it from that perspective it makes the choice quiet obvious. Unless I believe I know more then God, which I don’t (1) looks like the most obvious choice. I’ve tried and struggled for 36 years to orchestrate my life and look where that has gotten me. A lot of learning experience. Now I’m on a path that I didn’t plan, it’s not following my time lime and I am very happy. It’s taken me 36 years or trial and error to get me to where I am not and has made me who I am now.
You may think I am a loose cannon at times, jumping in to one relationship after another, but it’s one way to learn lessons fast. If not for my 3 marriages it may have taken me to 60 or 70 to learn all I have learned. In 36 short years I have learned so much.
My 1st marriage taught me that I never want to be hit and that it took me 6 months to learn and get out of that. My 2nd marriage taught me a number of lessons. Too many to list. And my 3rd Marriage was a living hell for 4 months (I know that I will have lifelong scars from that, I do cross my fingers that by going to WEAVE, getting counseling and being around healthy loving people those scars will not effect me for life, but that is an unknown, since I can’t change the past and it’s not help to sit around and regret and go with if, I have to live by faith that everything happens for a reason and live looking at the gifts everything brings), but in a short 4 months I came out a new person. I am glad that I didn’t date him for a year then get married as then I would have wasted a couple of years on him. In the end I look at him like paying the stock market, he was a short 4-month investment that changed my world. Yes, it was a living hell and I wouldn’t wish being married to someone with a porn addiction, or any type of addiction for that matter, but with out his addiction I would have never found the counselor I had, not been diagnosed with PTSD and found the nutritionals that has changed my life. The Nutritionist finally diagnosed my thyroid condition, found food allergies I would have never guessed and now I feel better then ever. It’s been a tough journey and I keep following up with the Nutritionist as she tweaks my diet and supplement intake and it seems to be working.
I’m coming to learn that by keeping in tuned to God and consulting him in all things, life may not turn out how “I” want them to but that’s ok, God has a bigger and better plan for me. I just need to remember that and keep following his small promptings what ever they may be.
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