Love at First Sight

You won’t believe it, but it was love at first sight.  I know when things are too good to be true then there is usually a catch, but this time it is different. Let me share with you our amazing story. It all began a few months back.  I was at this big church function mingling and having a good time with my friends. Somehow we got separated and I was all of a sudden flying solo.  To may surprise I bumped into a acquaintance and we began flirting and then all of a sudden he starts telling me about his friend that I’ve just got to meet.  (I have to say at the time I thought it was really odd, because the two of us seemed to be hitting it off and then all of a sudden he’s pawning me off on his friend.) He calls his friend over and I speechless. I just couldn’t believe my eyes.   He was totally drop dead gorgeous, my age and single. From that moment I just knew he was the one. The one I’ve been looking for my whole life.  The one I’ve been saving myself for. The one I wanted to go out with. The one I was meant to marry. 

I attend this Young Single Adult church group and there isn’t much dating going on. I think this is what everyone is waiting for. They all want to meet the one. They are all hoping for love at first sight. They don’t want to waste time dating like normal people.  They just want to get down to the point, find the one they want to marry and take them to the temple day after tomorrow.  Good luck buddy, because that isn’t how it usually works.  Very few people every experience love at first sight. There might be infatuation at first sight, there might be interest at first sight, you may get Twitterpated just looking at someone, but love isn’t born in an instant.  As much as I would like to claim the above as my love story, it’s not my story, but I have to admit it’s a great story. I have never felt my heart race when I first meet someone.  For the most part when I meet guys I sometimes think, “he seem nice” and sometimes I think, “wow he’s really hot”. After I get to spend time chatting with someone, I might think it would be nice to spend more time with him and get to know him better.  But, I’ve never felt and I doubt I will ever feel on first meeting someone that I’m in love with them.

Sometimes people think infatuation is a bad thing. I don’t see anything wrong with a relationship beginning with infatuation. Being physically attracted to someone is a good motivator to get to know someone. Looks shouldn’t be the only reason to date someone, but there has to be something that sparks an interest. Then from that point if there is a further connection the relationship will bloom or if not it will fizzles out.

Click on the above picture to read about a real life fairytale about love at first sight. The couple is my Boss’s brother’s wife’s parents.

(Click here to read a talk by Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy about Finding your Sweetheart.)

Passion

I love writing. Someday I hope to be a famous writer and get paid for something I am totally passionate about. I admit I’m not a very good writer. My punctuation isn’t up to par and I love run on sentences.  On the other hand I love sharing.  I took a writing class last year and loved it.  I wish I spent as much time as I did back then on each piece I wrote because those pieces were so much better then what I post everyday on my blog. The pieces I wrote during that class were written in a way that you could actually touch, smell, and taste the story. Now I’m more factual and my pieces quickly get to the point.

I really need to get back to really writing. I still have that book I was working on last year tucked away. One day I’m going to drag it out and get back to editing it.  That is on my list of things to do next to get back to exercising/going to the gym.  These are two things that are very important to me and that I’m very passionate about. I came across my weight belt today.  It was a good reminder to get myself back on track.  (I used to be into bodybuilding. Now those were fun times. I used to spend a couple of hours in the gym every night.  I gave it up when I got married and thought it was a waste of money to pay for a gym membership when I could easily work out at home. That was a mistake.  You live and learn.) It’s not like I don’t have enough time to do all these things. I’m single and have no kids; I’m never going to have more time to do these things then now.

I know so many people who are going back to school that I’ve seriously thought about joining them and going back to school to be a writer.  It’s like listening to those infomercials. After hearing them so many times you really begin to think that your life won’t be complete without that item.  I already have a bachelors degree so it’s not like I really need to go back to school to get a degree, but I was thinking about taking some writing classes so I can improve my skills.  

I think it would be kind of fun to go back to school and be a student again. I seriously missed having fun in college. Or maybe I watch too much television or movies. But, seriously don’t they do a great job portraying college as being a blast, an endless stream of parties. When I was in college I was so focused on my schoolwork and getting done in 2 and then 4 years that I forgot to breath and have fun. Don’t get me wrong I did have some fun times. Especially at Rick’s. I’ve never dated or danced so much in my life. I picked up a passion for swing dancing, both west and east coast, and county. I loved doing all those flips and aerials.  Those were fun times. 

At the time I didn’t realize it, but I had great roommates those first two years. I really wish I could roll back time with the knowledge I have now and really enjoy living with those girls.  And OMG did I have so much time back then. It’s hard to believe that my roommate had time to bake cookies from scratch every week. We actually had time to bake potatoes in the oven, not microwave, but the oven.  

I need to work on organizing my time better. I need to go to bed earlier and get up earlier and move a little bit faster. This past week my parents visited and my mom got my gas heater working so until I get my bill I think it I will use it so I’ll be more motivated to get up earlier in the morning and get exercising.

Hallmark Holiday

Hallmark has commercialized many holidays.  This isn’t a totally bad thing.   With out money we couldn’t survive in today’s society.   Obtaining money shouldn’t be main focus in life, but everything is good in moderation and we need to work hard to have money so we can obtain the necessities of life such as food and shelter.  If you look at it that way we should be thankful for the holiday frenzy as it provides many with employment.  This employment is not just around the holiday seasons. Granted stores hire additional people over the holiday season, but those products sold in the stores had to be created prior to the holiday season, thus these factory jobs provide yearlong employment for many.

If you look at it in an odd sort of way, all those crazed shoppers that storm the stores on black Friday are really serving the community as they are assisting in providing jobs.  Let’s give a shout out to all you big spenders for keeping the economy going.  At the same time we should also remind you to spend within your means because we don’t want you to go on welfare and then we as a society of hard workers are supporting you because that’s not very fair.

I did not go out this Black Friday and spend money I don’t have. As much as I love hearing someone say they saved $1,200 I have to ask, how much did you spend to save that much?  I thought of hitting Goodwill yesterday as I love getting a good deal and everything is 50% off, but then opted out. I figured for the amount of time it would take to swim thought the crowds and then stand in line it was more economically for me to go to work.  Don’t get me wrong I love getting a good deal, but it’s all about economics and I would loose more money not working then buying something on sale. 

This is my first holiday being single in many years and it’s going to be very different.  I have less money this year, but at the same time I don’t need as much money.  99% of the money we spent in previously years was on his side of the family. There is one good thing about being an only child and exchanging gifts with very few of my extended family is you don’t have to worry as much about being able to afford it.  And it’s not like we spent a fortune in the past. I grew up in a family where we made most of our gifts, so in the grand scheme of things we spent very little compared to the norm.  On the other hand last year I made this exquisite bowl for his mom and I was shocked at the cost and that it took 20hrs to make.  As much as I would love to make it for my Aunt this year, there is no way I can afford to make such a lavish gift.  So as much as I’d love to make gifts for all those that I love this year, I’m not sure if I have the time or money to really make what I want.   I can’t believe it’s after thanksgiving this year and I still haven’t done anything for my family. In the past I would have been done by now. It’s not that I haven’t thought about things I would like to give or make for my family and friends. There is this really cool Safari Adventure near where I live that I would love to do with one of my parents, but it’s really pricy. In the past for Mother’s Day and last Father’s day I took my parents on trips and that was a lot of fun. I wish I had the funds to continue doing that, but unless I go back to corporate America I don’t see that happening.  So, it’s not like I don’t think of them or have great ideas, but it all comes back to economics.

The Rebound Guy

At first I felt sorry for the rebound guy then I saw the movie “Wedding Crashers.”  The movie is about these two guys who go to weddings to charm their way into bed with women for one night stands.  In the end they meet their mentor Chaz who turns out to be a total looser, is in his 40’s living with his mother and now is crashing funerals. If Chaz is the epitome of the rebound guy then I don’t feel sorry for him one bit.  If it weren’t for him being at the right place at the right time he wouldn’t of been able to hook such a good catch. It’s not like he didn’t get anything out of it either. For him being the rebound guy is much better then being alone.

I got sucked into a rebound guy’s web once. His goal was to marry me before I realized what hit me. And it almost worked. Thank goodness I got some sense knocked into me.  He was very smooth and I was gullible and easily guitlable.  He changed my life. If it weren’t for him I would not be the person I am today.

How do we avoid rebound relationships? That is hard to say.  When I was first divorced they said you should wait 5 years to remarry and I did. But, I still married for the wrong reasons once again. I don’t think there is a time limit you can put on exiting one relationship and being emotionally ready to enter into another relationship.

I don’t think my failed marriage would cause me to enter into a rebound relationship.  I don’t suffer from a broken heart, due to my ex. The relationship deteriorated over time so I don’t feel the typical love lost from a broken heart. I was the one that left him so I thought long and hard about my decision. I do feel a loss for all the broken hopes and dreams. I never got married to get divorced so there is that unexpected loss. I can’t deny that. But there is no emotional attachment there. When I see him I feel nothing. No anger for what he did to me. No sadness, nothing.  I have forgiven and moved on. I have no regret for leaving other then I regret not leaving sooner. I have no hope or dream of ever patching things up.  For me that life ended and a new life has began.

Even though I am pretty sure the next guy I get involved with will not be a rebound relationship. I’m not saying I am ready to get married tomorrow.  For me having an emotional and spiritual connection to someone is top on my checklist. . I need time to get to know someone and time to fall in love.   On the other hand with God’s hand in all things that process can take a day or it can take years. Our time table is a lot different then God’s and he can reveal things to us and teach us things in the blink of the eye that would other wise take years. So I can’t really say when I will be settling down next. Anything is possible.

The Back-up Plan

Back up plans are very important. Cars come with a spare tires.  Ships are equipped with lifeboats and life preservers.  Modern buildings come with sprinkler systems and have fire drills.  Airplanes come with drop down oxygen & life preservers.

We look at some people a little crazy when they are more prepared then us, but just like in the days of Noah, you never know when your over preparedness may pay off.  Noah may of appeared crazy at the time, but those stopped laughing when the floods came.

Sometimes backup plans are not as tangible. I have a bachelor’s degree and experience in corporate America. I may not be using my education to it’s fullest potential right now, but I have it if I need it.

The Backup plan also comes into play in the dating scene.  No one wants to know they are the back up plan. But, we know everyone one has one. When you get that invitation that says plus one, even if you don’t have a significant other you usually have a “good o’ boy or girl” that you always call. I am the plus one for one of my girlfriends. If it weren’t for her anti-social husband you’d think we were a couple. I go to all of her family functions and I am now part of the family.  In many movies or sitcoms you see many girl’s plus one being their gay friend.  Others of us take our best friends, that friend that is forever in the “Friend Zone.”

I met a guy once who said he doesn’t want to be anyone’s back up plan, but after talking to him he always has a backup plan. Isn’t that a little hypocritical?!   It does really suck to find out you were the third person someone asked out on a date, but on the other hand at least you were on the list.  There are a probably a dozen other people that didn’t make the cut.  With that being said, maybe it would be best not to ask if you are the backup plan and instead enjoy the moment. Because depending on how fun you were and the connection you made, next time may be #1.

7 minutes in Heaven

Do you recognize what you have?

I love Joel Osteen. He gives the most amazing uplifting messages that always give me hope.  Some may think of him as Gospel Light and have a problem with that.  But, why? Are we really in need of someone standing over us telling us that we screwed up and need to repent everyday. Personally I already have someone in my life to do that. One is enough. What I really need more of are people around me that give me hope.

Back to Joel’s message. (Click here to read his original message.) We may not have the tools we think we need to complete the task at hand, but if we look closely we will realize that God always provides us with the tools we need to complete the task at hand.  There is a good example of this in the book of Judges, Chapter 15. Sampson was captured by an army of Philistines and escaped with the help of God and the use of a jawbone (I doubt that was on his list of 1^st or 2^nd choice weapons).  It was by the power of God and Sampson’s faith that he came out of that situation alive. 

It’s amazing to see when we really look through God’s eyes all we have at our disposal.  It’s not always easy “Thinking outside of the box.” Try it sometime it can be fun.

Here is a great example of how much fun thinking outside the box can be. Last night I went to a single’s activity and we played hide and seek. Some people got the brilliant idea of teaming up and hiding in the closets together. Can we say “7 minutes in Heaven.”  A fun kid game just turned into a fun adult dating game. 

So that dance I went to the other week really lousy music could have been chocked of as a lousy time, but because my friends came it was a lot of fun.   Good thing I looked beyond the beats or lack of.

What we have may not look like much at first glance, but with God anything is possible.   Tom Sawyer is a good example of thinking outside the box. He turned a not so fun job into a Money Making opportunity. A lot of things in life have to do with our perception and attitude.

Commitment Issues, No More!

Back in July I wrote a blog post entitled Commitment Issues. Click here to read. After talking to a friend the other day I realized that I described my commitment issues all-wrong. I really have no problem committing. As you know I’ve been married twice so I have no problem committing to marriage. I own a house so I have no problem committing to where I am going to live for the next 30+ years. I also have no problem committing to making large purchases with money I have saved up my whole life.  I have also divorced both my husbands so I had no problem committing to the possibility of dying single. I also have no problem committing to a life with out abuse.  I have almost a year’s worth of food storage so for the past year I had no problem committing to spending all my paychecks on food storage.  I have also kept my life insurance policy in preparation for having a family, so I am committing to have a family some day. I also have many long-term investments so I have no problems committing to saving for my future and my retirement.  I do have a job so I have no problem committing to showing up to work. I have a college degree so I had no problem committing to a major and going to class, studying and taking tests. I have no children so you figure out what I had no problem committing to.  I am healthy so I have no problem to committing to cooking and maintaining a healthy lifestyle and exercising. I pay my credit cards off each month so I have committed to living with in my means. 

So my issue with commitment isn’t that I can’t commit. It’s more like I commit to easily. I get swept up in the moment way too easily.  My friend said I’m such a girl in this way. He said girls are just like that.

Now that I’ve thought about it I agree with my friend who said you shouldn’t ask a person on a second date while they are on a first date. They really need time to think about it before making a decision.

This was me on my apartment hunt. I would find a place and say I would take it, then on my way home I would give it some thought and realized that I had made a really bad decisions and I had to call them back and tell them I changed my mind. It was so embarrassing.  But, I’m glad I called them back and said no. The embarrassment was worth not being put in a bad situation.

Now that I have redefined my commitment issues I am working on making them issues no more. I’m doing my best to think things out before I give an answer/responses. I’m trying to avoid situations where I may be swept away and trying to keep my feet planted solid on the ground.

A month of Thanksgiving (Part 2)

Nov 11- Multiple friends that invite me over for meals and bring meals over. It's amazing how many friends I have that are good cooks. We may be single but it's not due to the lack of cooking skills.

Nov 12- Flannel Sheets. How I love my flannel sheets. Let me count the ways. There are so many plusses about flannel sheets. When you move your head around the pillow you don't end up touching a cold spot. Making the bed is so much easier because they don't move around as much.  They stick together so there is no draft.

Nov 13- For friends that invite me to events I wouldn't other wise consider. And then get there early to save me a seat. My neighbor invited me to the Women of Faith Conference this past weekend and it's been wonderful. Very uplifting and motivating.

Nov 14- Thankful to see friendly faces at church and for all those that come sit by me. It's so nice to be surrounded by smiling faces and people that are glad to see you and that are looking forward to seeing you later in the week.

Nov 15- Naomi and her family for inviting all the new people over to her house twice a month for dinner. It's hard to really get to know people at church when everyone is busy running off to class. This is one of the really cool features at the new church I go to. I totally love my new ward.

Nov 16- Sharon, a really nice lady that I met at church that comes and sits next to me and makes me feel welcome. She is always so happy to see me. And she makes sure I know about all the events

Nov 17- Really nice people at Goodwill that helped me find the DVD I was looking for. These guys were amazing. When I got to the DVD section I saw 3 guys looking at DVD. I thought I'd take a chance and ask them if they saw the DVD I was looking for. To my shock one guys said yes, knew the section it was in and helped me find it.

Nov 18- A really cool Relief Society President that has monthly cooking classes and gives us tons of treats to bring home. And other ward members who makes treats for everyone. Homemade pumpkin bread can really cure a crappy day, or at least help it to be not so bad.

Nov 19-Thankful for a smart phone that allows me to get messages when no phone number is available.

Nov 20- For knowing how to be really resourceful in the kitchen. I was taught well how to cook and how to substitute so if the ingredient is missing I can swap ingredients with out stressing.

Nov 21- Thankful for friends that will chat with me on the phone when I get to an event an hour early and am in the boonies so there is nowhere really to go.

Nov 22-   Thankful for the person that told me to put a deck of cards in my 72 hour kit. It's amazing to me that not everyone own's a deck of cards. So, it's great I come prepared. Because it allowed me to have a ton of fun at a friends house playing cards.

My Broken Heart

I have suffered the bigger heartache from what could have been then what really was.  In my last post I shared with you that the relationships I have been in deteriorated over time. Which is good and bad in the sense that I was never really been left broken hearted by a lover. Thus I have been blessed in the sense that  a tragedy never took a  lover from me and a lover never just up and left me.  With that being said I have suffered from a broken heart before, but in a different way.

Once upon a time I was totally head over heels in love with a man and him with me.  We had this amazing spiritual connection; it was as if we were Kindred Spirits.  When we were together I was a different person, a better person, the person I wanted to be. I could visualize a wonderful future with him. I could see his potential and it was amazing. To add to it I was totally attracted to him.  Then one day my world came to an end when he told me he didn’t believe he could live up to my expectations. It was over. The all of a sudden he disappeared from my life almost as quick as he appeared.

That love loss was the hardest for me to get over. Unlike all of my long-term relationships it didn’t deteriorate over time. It was there one day and gone the next. I do appreciate it that he loved me enough to realize that he wasn’t going to be able to give me what I needed and deserve instead of stringing me along with false promises.

Instead of scaring me off from every loving again this experience gives me hope in love. It showed me what I want, what I need. I hope to one day come across another Kindred Spirits and fall madly and deeply in love with him.  It probably won’t happen as quickly, but that is ok and probably better that way. Circumstances around that romance can never be repeated and as wonderful as it was it caught me totally off guard and was quite scary. After loving one person so deeply it reassures me that I can love and I love being in love.  That kind of connection that we shared is out there, but it just needs to be fostered. Which will take time. I’m not a very patient person so this will be a challenge for me to let love grow and develop. I love the feeling of falling in love and I hope to find someone that I can fall in love with and continue falling in love with over and over again.

Unnecessary Risks

I’ve been asked if I have a problem giving my heart away due to having my heart broken so many times.  Everyone has there own experience with broken hearts. Some people have the horrible experience of being madly in love with someone and then all of a sudden that person disappears from their life. This could be due to a tragedy such as death, illness, accidents, or the person walking out of their lives.   This past weekend I was at a Women’s Conference and one of the women talked about her experience with loss.  She lost her husband in a climbing accident. He was young, healthy, an experienced climber. His death was totally unexpected. There is no way I can fully comprehend her pain.  I have never had a loved one taken away from me in an instant. I have lost some loved ones due to death, but they were old and it was their time.  I have never been in a relationship that ended abruptly. All relationships I have been a part of ran their course and deteriorated over time.  With that being said after this last marriage I am in no way suffering from a broken heart. I was the one who once again walked away from an abusive husband.

I do fear getting married again for the wrong reason.  So in a way I am a bit more protective of my heart then I have been in the past.  Neither of my husbands truly captured my heart and then smashed it.  My last one did crush my dream of living happily ever after in a way.  No one gets married to get divorced. We do all that we can to make it work.  No one wants to fail in marriage. Making the decision to end one’s marriage isn’t easy. I think it was a harder decision for me to get divorced then to get married.  When you decide to get married, the whole world is ahead of you.  When you decide to get divorced your whole world has just come tumbling down around you.

Back to the question.  I do not have a problem giving my heart away. Falling in love is fun. It’s the best feeling in the world. At the same time, after a recent experience that didn’t involve a broken heart, I am guarding my heart.  Over the summer someone brought to my attention that someone in the church gave a talk on not taking unnecessary risks.   At the time we were talking about skydiving and I was asking him if he wanted to go.  I’m not your usual thrill seeker. I don’t even like roller coasters.  But, my boss brought up sky diving as being one of the items on his bucket list and I’ve been seriously considering it.  I was recently reflecting on this idea of not taking unnecessary risks.  As I was reviewing my life I realized that I might not seek after adventures like in the movie “Jackass,” but I take unnecessary risks in other areas, such as dating.  The more I think about it the wearier I am of dating.  I fear so much more then a broken heart. I fear they will take my life in a direction I don’t want to go. I have worked so hard to get my life on track that I seriously fear being guided off course.  Obviously I’m not blind and I would never let them put a fork in the road, but I know I can easily caught up in emotion so I am trying my best to keep my emotions in check.  And that is why kissing has been put on hold since kissing is such an emotional activity. But, it is also something I love doing so it’s a tough one. Somehow I need to figure out balance.

There are no coincidences

I went to the Women of Faith Conference this past weekend and they talked about there being no coincidences.  This got me thinking about some recent events that have occurred in my life due to some choices I have made. They are far from the best choices I could have made.  To be honest I have made some out right lousy choices.  With that being said and knowing that God’s hand is in everything and he knows the beginning from the end. I wonder how my choices fit into God’s plan. Then I recalled a talk by Dallen H. Oaks entitled Good, Better, Best. I know that the choices I made were far from what God would consider “Best” choices. But what if God has a plan for us and life is like a “choose your own adventure” book. God hopes we make the “Best” choice, but knowing that we all have our own free agency he writes out 3 scripts. So even if we choose the “Good” plan and not the “Best” plan all is not lost in his grand plan for our life.   With every choice we make he has a set of lessons for us to learn and experiences for us to go through.  As we learn and experience it equips us for our next adventure.

If I go with this theory, I can still feel guilty about not making the “Best” choice, but instead of spending all my time beating myself up over my lousy choice I can analyze the choice I did make and see what lessons I learned and how learning those lessons at this time of my life will be beneficial.  Hopefully as life goes on I will learn the lessons God has for me and next time I will choose the “Best” choice.

With that being said let’s examine what lessons I learned, talents I have developed, strengths have I gained: 

1. I have learned that talking about certain topics really make me grouchy, upset, irritated, and depressed.  With that being said I am learning how to eloquently maneuver around those subjects in conversation.  It’s not easy when these subjects are standard like the weather. But with enough practice I’ll get it down.  In addition I am learning to surround myself with people who have enough grace that they will not keep brining up these uncomfortable subjects. It’s not everything about this subject either; it’s the depth within the subject.  And I know I’m not the only one who this subject effects. A very good friend of mine also feels the same way and after learning this, neither of us brings this subject up.  The good thing is because we both know of each other’s struggles we are able to share our successes, something that we really can’t talk to others about and they don’t understand.
2. I am getting better at walking away from uncomfortable situations. And resisting temptations.
3. I am getting better at saying “No.”
4. I am making a more conscious effort of whom I surround myself with.  I have a renewed appreciation for my friends.
5. Have gained an appreciation for curfews.
6. I am more conscious of my interactions with others.

Love is in the air.

I'm in LOVE.
I’m totally head over heels in love. 

I can’t believe it. 

I thought it would never happen.  

Never in my life had I ever had a real shoe fetish. In my last post I talked about the plusses of being single and one of them was the ability to explore those fetishes you never knew you had and that is what I’ve been doing.  A few weeks back I was at my girlfriend’s housewarming party and I saw this woman’s shoes and I instantly fell in love. They were the coolest ever. They reminded me of something you would see on “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”  I talked to the women and not only were they really cool looking they are also well made and comfortable. I am all about comfort.   If shoes aren’t comfortable I won’t wear them, for the most part. I’m not one of those girls that walks around in spike heels because they are the hottest thing on the block. I just can’t do it.  After scouring the mall for these coveted shoes I looked them up on line and realized the closest store is in the city.   One day I’m going to have to make a trek down there. Soon as I save up some money. I can’t believe the price of these shoes. They are unbelievably expensive.  (And if you read my last post you know my money issue so who knows if I will ever break down and buy myself a pair.) I have never spent this much on shoes in my life. I feel like I'm watching an episode of "Sex in the City," they are some serious spenders on shoes. I saw a few episodes and was shocked at the amount those girls spent on shoes. Maybe if I made the amount of money they made I wouldn't blink an eye, but with my budget it's beyond eye blinking. 

Maybe I’ll get lucky and someone will donate a pair in my size to the local thrift store. That is how I got my other favorite pairs of comfortable shoes.   I’ve had exceptionally good luck this past year on finding high quality comfortable designer shoes at the thrift store that are brand new and in my size.

By chance you are dying to figure out what brand of shoes they are. Click here to find out. 

It's all about me.

Single life has its plusses. You can explore all those fetishes you never knew you had(I will be exploring these more in upcoming posts).  Seriously, life is finally all about me.  There is no mortgage to pay for. There is no annual vacation you have to save up for. Your family has reduced more then half and you no longer have to worry about buying gifts for everyone.  There is no yard or pond that has been a black hole in your finances for years. There is no car payments, school loans, etc.  I have no credit cards to pay off or loans that are being held over my head. (I never had either but it was a nice touch.)

I have always been afraid to spend money. It’s been a serious paranoia in my life.  It’s difficult for me to splurge.  I was taught well, maybe too well that you need to pinch every penny and save for a rainy day. I am probably one of the few college students that had an IRA.  And it didn’t stop there. My first job was for a finance company and it was hounded into me that I needed to save for my future. Invest and diversify was the motto.  So every extra cent I made went directly into savings.   My biggest and hardest purchase I ever made was a house.   That was a lot of money that I had been saving forever going into one place. It was tough to liquidate those accounts to pay for the down payment of the house. I guess the good thing is I was able to do it with out any assistance from parents. I am learning that it was pretty impressive.  After talking to many people I have learned that their parents were the ones that fronted the down payment.

Pinching every penny has its plusses. I haven’t had to worry about the “what if’s” in life. When the car needed work I always had the funds tucked away.  When we wanted to go on vacation because we cut costs everywhere else we were able to afford it.  On the other hand everyday living wasn’t so fun.  Shopping was kind of stressful.  It was had for me to buy anything because I had to really think about it, do we really need it?  Don’t get me wrong I never did with out.  The fridge was always overflowing and so was the cupboard.   I always had something to wear that was both stylish and appropriate for the occasion.  The part that bugged me was to save money I always bought my clothing at the thrift stores. (I always envied those people at the mall that walked around with arms laden with bags. On the other hand if they were society norm they probably didn't pay their credit cards off each month and lived in debt and I don't envy that.) Due to my mentality it just doesn’t make sense to pay $150 for a pair of jeans that I can get for under $20 at Eco Thrift. On the other hand I do have the dream one day to be able to go to a department store and be fitted from head to toe including accessories with out having a heart attack. I’m not sure if that will ever happen due to I’m not sure if I can change the mentality I was brought up with.  It seriously kills me to buy overpriced clothing. 

Last month I finally forced myself to let loose and buy something that I have been dying to have for years.  To you it may just be a frivolous purchase(and it was, I even know that), but to me it is a symbol of my freedom.  It symbolizes a good investment. I am finally investing in ME.  Every time I wear it and look at it I think to myself, I made the right choice. 

(P.S. And for those of you who know the whole story it symbolizes that I don't have to say "Opps! I did it again. Because that was close.)

Crazy Daughter Syndrome

I used to think I was a very forgiving person until I saw the play Well by Lisa Kron the other night. OMG! Do I really act like that? I totally saw myself in this play last night. I was the crazy daughter that was over reacting and freaking out.  The play was about a daughter who puts on a play about her life and her mother keeps interrupting. Her mother doesn’t like how she’s compressed the story  and keeps trying to correct her daughter’s memory of how things really went. The Mother continually interacts with the actors and wins them over. They help her when she can’t reach her glass of water and listen to her, unlike her daughter. The actors take real interest in what the mother has to say and the advice and wisdom she has to dish out. The daughter has a tough time keeping the actors in character and keeping her mother off the set.  It was amazing to see how easily the mother captured the hearts of the actors and how they quickly fell in love with her. To the actors the mother was a loving, caring, ill woman.

I felt like I was seeing my life played out before my eyes in a way. Yes, I know my mother loves me and cares about me just like this mother did for her daughter, but just like my mother had the hardest time, expressing it and continually put her foot in her mouth.  It was amazing to me how the actors could not see how manipulative the mother was and how the things the mother said hurt the daughter.  All everyone saw was how sweet and fragile the mother was. They saw her as this pillar of wisdom. Someone they wanted to spend more time with and help in her time of need.

I’m not sure if it is that I’m not forgiving and that my mother has really changed over time and I just don’t see it.  Or is it that I am like this daughter and I know how things will play out.  If you really analyze your relationships you may realize that after you have known someone for a long time you know how things will play out. You know what they are going to say and do even if you have never entered that exact situation before.  If you aren’t an abstract person. Think about it like a game of checkers or chess. After you play with someone for awhile you learn their strategy and you know what their next move will be.

Now that I have seen my life played out before my eyes and see how silly I look in front of strangers will I change?  I should because if I look anything like her, I look like crazy a woman that has totally lost it. That overreacts to the smallest and dumbest things. 

Thanksgiving is coming up. We’ll see how it plays out. For now I think it’s best if we just stay in a crowed room to keep the holidays peaceful and happy.

You don’t fully appreciate what you have till it’s gone.

You don’t fully appreciate what you have till it’s gone. I think this is the perfect subject to blog about on Veteran’s Day.  Living in the USA in 2010 we have so many much that we take for granted.  The reality is we won’t fully appreciate all the freedoms we have until they are lost. Generations before us fought for the right to vote, but how many of us actually voted in this past election?  (Just in case you are wondering I voted.)

I could blog about how we don’t appreciate our military forces or how we don’t fully appreciate our loved ones till they pass on, ect, I thought I’d keep this post light and talk about those little things that we all take for granted, such as the little light on the stove that goes on when the over is at the set temperature. Don’t get me wrong I looked at several places that didn’t even have a stove let alone an over so I do appreciate having a full size.  I also love the fast that my stove is modern enough that I don’t have to light with a match.  When I first moved in and saw a lighter on top of my stove I feared I was going to have to light the burners and oven manually like at my grandparents.  I was overly delighted when I turned them on and they self lit.  On the other hand I do miss having the digital clock on top of the stove and microwave.  It’s weird being in my kitchen and not knowing the time. I’m so used to it flashing in front of me.  I also miss having an over that beeps at me when it’s preheated.  Even when I was growing up we had a little light go on that indicated when it was preheated. It’s hard to imagine someone created a stove with no preheat indicator.  Good thing I bought a over thermometer if not I would never know when it was preheated and if it was calibrated correctly.

Another thing that I had I my previous house was a probe. It’s the best little invention ever. You put it in your meat and plug it into a digital read out and you can see what the internal temperature of your meat with out having to open the over and test your meat with a thermometer.   After making meatloaf last time and not knowing if was done yet I finally invested in a probe and it made for a less stressful and actually pleasant experience last night as I made dinner.  It’s so nice when you don’t have to babysit your food and all you have to wait for the beep to go off to tell you it’s done.

As winter has arrived I am still missing my double pane windows. It’s freezing in my apartment.  I can feel the cold seeping in the windows.  Even when I had the duel pane windows during some winters I hung heavy drapes to keep the cold out.  Now I hide under my down comforter to keep warm at night.  I guess having such a cold apartment motivates me to work from home less and go into the office more. I used to love working from home, but now it’s worth it for me to trek down to the office just so I can save a few bucks on the electricity bill.  My office is also freezing, but at least I have a little floor heater I can turn on and warm up the room.

I know I took all of these modern convinces for granted while living in the house and I really miss them, but I wouldn’t give up my apartment just to regain them.  The same goes with those loved ones that have passed on.  I spent the last year of my grandmother’s life assisting in her care.  Now that I see my boss interviewing all of his family and recording their life stories. I think to myself that would have been a good idea to do while my grandmother was still around.  On the other hand we spent a very good year together. I spent time with her at least once as week as I accompanied her to her bowling league and to her doctor’s appointments.  There are those family members who wished they had spent more time with her and those that wished they didn’t bitch and complain as much when they were together. For me I live with no real regrets. I admit I wasn’t always the best grandchild and I could of done things differently especially when I was younger, but for the most part I have no regrets. Don’t get me wrong I miss her. She was suppose to move in with me, but she never left the hospital.  I think she’d agree that she lived a rich full life.  She was extremely active until those last 3 days. She pasted away at the ripe old age of 90 and was bowling in a senior league just the week prior to her passing.  For some her passing seemed very sudden, but for those of us who were close we knew that she had been in a lot of pain for years.  She did her best not to burden her family with her ailments, but they were there. It was her time to go, to be freed of that physical pain she had suffered with for so long.  We all miss her at the same time I am happy for her as she is once again reunited with my grandfather and they are both in a better place.

Along with this song I hope I have inspired you to live your life in a way so you won't have to loose what is most precious to you to fully appreciate it.

So much to be Thankful for

After reading my friends blog I thought I’d follow suit and make a thanksgiving blog. As much as I bitch and complain I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

Nov. 1- My boss has finally caught up paying me. He has escaped paying me in arrears so I was able to pay all my bills and don’t have to worry for a few weeks about money.

Nov 2- I coming home to my apartment every night. It’s new, clean, big, and smells great. And it’s all mine.  This is a big deal to me. I’ve never lived on my own before and it’s really refreshing to know that I can do it.

Nov 3- I have reliable transportation.  For years now I have taken it for granted, but after meeting many people with out cars or who have unreliable cars, I’m gaining a new appreciation for my car.

Nov 4- I’ve got a job that gives me the hours I need to make what I need to live on my own.  I’ve never taken this for granted.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to pull it off. It was touch and go for a while. I didn’t get the raise I had hoped for, but that is ok, at least he allows me to have the hours I need to make it.

Nov 5- I am thankful for parents that instilled in me the importance of having a savings. If it wasn’t for this I wouldn’t be able to afford those unexpected big purchases such as car maintenance and new tires.  I have no idea how people who live pay check to paycheck do it. I have enough money worries as it is, having no money saved up would put me over the top.

Nov 6- I am thankful for my church group last year having such a big push on food storage.  I didn’t get all the year’s supply I had hoped for, but I am comforted in what I do have.  As tight as my finances are it’s nice to know that my cupboards aren’t bare.  I may not have the biggest variety of foods to eat but I have the staples.  This really helps keep the costs down when I do go to the store.

Nov 7- I am thankful that I know how to cook and use my food storage.  I know of people who stock up food, but they have no idea how to use and would never eat it. I am thankful to my mother who taught me to cook. Along with many people at church that has passed on recipes and has showed me how to make inexpensive and tasty meals.  I am thankful to my boss who had me research diabetes and through the process I learned how to cook many tasty meals using whole grains, beans, and other things that are in my food storage. Not only do I know how to cook. I can cook very healthy hearty meals.

Nov 8- I am thankful for Testimony meeting on Sunday. It’s a great opportunity to really get to know about other people you attend church with and learn of the struggles they have over come. It helps me to not feel so alone in all that I am going through or have gone thought. Knowing a little more about people really helps me relate to other.

Nov 9- I am thankful for good friends that love and care about me and keep me on track.

Nov 10- I am thankful for my boss that gets me tickets for live theater.  I have always loved seeing plays and musicals since I was a kid. My grandfather used to take me to a Broadway show ever year during Christmas. While I was in High school I used to see the school productions.  As a kid our church used to put on fabulous productions till the budget got cut. Then in College with the student id cards we were able to get tickets to shows.  Once I graduated from college live theater was no longer in the budget. I am thankful that my boss to encourage me to see the shows and is always willing to get me tickets.

How to date your Best Friend.

My friends are so important in my life. I couldn’t survive with out them.  If it weren’t for my friends I’d be floundering around.  After hanging out with my friend the other night I’m reconsidering this whole dating thing. Why should I risk surrounding my self with possible alligators that will try to destroy my life?  I’m finally gotten my life back on track and I don’t want to risk getting off track by dating the wrong people.  I don’t think I’m being unrealistic in my most recent fear.   I’ve been dating some really nice guys lately, but I’m still really weary of being sucked down the wrong path.  I’m realizing that even with all my life experiences I’m still really gullible at times and way too forgiving.  Unfortunately I don’t have the strongest foundation and am easily swayed in the wind.

I still don’t get the whole “friend zone” thing. Why can’t I date my friends? They are a sure thing. They totally love and care about me and are always looking out for my best interest.  Why should I risk going out with a total stranger that could turn out to be a mass murder or something.  We are all aware that in general soon as you meet someone they do their best to hid all their monsters in their closet and put forth their best efforts to be an upstanding citizen.  No one is going to tell you on the first date that soon as they marry you they plan on chopping you in a million pieces and living off your life insurance.  So, why not date your friends. These are people that you have known long enough that you know which monsters they keep in their closets and you have chosen that as bad as they are they are worth putting up with.

With that being said I think the best thing for me is date my best friend and after much planning and plotting I’ve finally figured out how I’m going to do it.  Remember the movie Stepford wives?   Well I’m going to do as she did and build myself the perfect man.  I will take some of the qualities that I totally love in my best friend and take some of the other qualities in my other best friend, and some of the other qualities of my other best friend and mold him into a single man.  If only that were possible.

Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?

 My friend is like a fortune cookie. Every time we get together he always says something profound. Or at least gives me something to really think about.  What he says doesn’t always sink in right away and sometimes it takes me a few days or a few life experiences later to really get what he was talking about.  What I love about him is he’s always full of good advice to keep me going on the straight and narrow path.  He’s kind of like me in a way. We’re good at dishing it out, but not always good at following our own counsel. Maybe that is why we have each other, this way we can repeat each other’s advice back to the other and hopefully hearing it in our own words we’ll follow it.

Yesterday at church we had a good lesson and they talked about having friends inside and outside of church and how we can be good influences on each other.  This friend popped into mind as the one that keeps me in line and I keep him in line. If it wasn’t for me encouraging him to go to church each Sunday in the church building he’s suppose to be in I probably won’t feel so guilty to follow my own advice and keep going to church. Maybe guilt isn’t the right reason for me go to church each week, but it’s getting me there and that is the first step. Actually I’ve been there 3 weeks now and it’s getting better. I went to an activity this past Tuesday and the women were really nice. Then on Wednesday one of the women I met the night before invited me over for dinner. It turns out the first and third Wednesday of every month they have a dinner for all the new people, which is a great way for us to get to know everyone. Or at least get to know a few more people.   So guilt may have been the original reason I go to church, but now I’m slowly falling in love with the people around me. After testimony meeting yesterday and hearing everyone’s stories, I really think I’m going to fit in well. They are a very diverse group.  I’ll keep you posted, but as for now I look forward to going back next week and then to dinner next Wednesday, and then there is a cooking class the following day that sounds like fun.  Things may not be as bad as I originally thought when I moved.

I know my blogs aren’t really tightly written stories, but I figured you being my friend would like to know what has been going on in my life. 

Back to my friend’s latest profound insight: “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”   We were talking about dating and kissing and now I am totally stumped.  That’s the problem when we’re together, we go from one topic to the other so quickly that he is like a fortune cookie in the way that he says something, but leaves me hanging.  So, now I’m left to my own accord to figure this out. If he weren’t so busy all the time I’d nail him down and get the dissertation that goes with this.  I mean what am I suppose to do?  I got the part that I shouldn’t be slutty and give it up to everyone, but what about kissing? Is kissing ok? I sure hope so because I kind of like kissing. And if it is acceptable, then when? How hard does one have to work to get that first kiss? 

Kissing seems to be a popular topic around singles because this isn’t the first time it’s come up.  I’ve had this conversation with two other guys and each of them had their own views. One guy was on the same wave as my friend and said that you shouldn’t kiss right away because if you do then it will be over because there is nothing to work towards.

I’m realizing that dating is kind of like a game and kissing is one of the prizes. If you get the prize before the game then you won’t play as hard or as well if you had something to work for. For those of you that need a more tangible example, Football is a great example. The players are motivated all season to keep putting their best efforts first so they have a chance to get into the super bowl. Then they have to keep playing hard to win the Super bowl. If football were just one game I don’t think it would have such a big appeal to men. Thus if you give it up on the first date there is absolutely nothing to keep the guy motivated.

I then talked to another guy and he had an opposite view. He said if you kissed a girl then you’d get a second date because she’d keep coming back for more.

Wow, we have two polar opposites. I think I’m swaying more towards my friend’s view of not giving it out for free. I trust my friend and am realizing he gives really sound advice. So if I ever go out with guy number 2, sorry buddy, but there will be no kissing on the first date. My charming personality will just have to motivate you to want to keep coming back for more.

Plus from the sounds of it Guy #2 has a harem to choose from when he’s in need of some physical affection.  So if I don’t give him any he has plenty of backups. But if he does ask me on a second date then I’ll know he may love the idea of the harem, but in reality he’s really looking for something more. 

This is not a new idea. Guys go out with two types of girls. There is the fun party girls that give a good roll in the hay, but you will never bring them home to meet your mother.  Then there is the girl who is marriage material. The one that you want to be the mother of your children and you are eager to bring home to meet your mother.

As a girl we have a choice.  Do you want to be one of the two girls hanging on his arm when he walks into a party? Or do you want to be the girl that he confides in and has a real relationship with. No one may know you, except his close friends, because he shields you from the media so they won’t take advantage of you.  For me I think I’ll choose the latter. It’s not a very glamorous position, but it’s authentic.   It took me a while to realize it, but I’d rather be one of the few confidants then a member of the unnamed crowd.

My Favorite Holiday

18 Days 2 Hours 25 Min 39 Sec and counting. You’re probably wondering what I’m counting down till.  As you might have figured out I’m not counting down how many shopping days till Christmas, but if you are wondering about. There are 47 more days so you have plenty of time to read my blog.  I am counting down to my new favorite Holiday. I can’t remember ever really having a favorite holiday till last year.  Last year was a totally turning point in my life in many ways.

I am an only child and now that all my grandparents have passed on we don’t have any traditions left. When my dad’s mom was still alive we would go to NY for Christmas.  Then when she passed away we began spending all the holidays with my Maternal Grandma.  Now that she has passed on and my cousin hates me I really have nowhere to go.

As far as I know my cousin hasn’t always hated me. I don’t think she ever liked me. I’ve really tried to be her friend, but have had no success. And it’s not like we don’t have anything in common either. We both do web design and are very crafty. And at one time we were both really into scrapbooking. So we do have several common interests. The problem is every time I try to strike up a conversation with her it’s like pulling teeth. Maybe she just isn’t a very chatty person, but she just seems so cold.  On the flip side her husband is very easy going and laid back and I totally love him and his family, they are always so full of fun stories.  My grandmother passed away around two years at the age of 90. She more or less died of old age after living a very full life. And everyone see it that way except my cousin. For some reason she thinks that I killed her. That on top of that she found out that my ex-husband abused me and instead of being concerned about my welfare she was more concerned about him and how his family felt that I wasn’t keeping the abuse a secret.  Enough about my cousin and back to why Thanksgiving is my Favorite Holiday.

Last year my Uncle (My maternal grandmother’s sister’s husband) passed away in late October or early November. They had a huge memorial dinner for him and tons of my family attended. I was totally nervous about going due to having to face my cousin, but I’m so glad I attended. I almost didn’t. I was that scared.

I have a huge extended family.  My maternal Grandmother has 11 siblings and my maternal Grandfather has 11 siblings so even though I’m an only child I have tons of second cousins.  At the memorial service I got to talk with my Mom’s cousins and really hit it off. The best part was my family and I got invited to one of my cousin’s for Thanksgiving.  My cousin and her sisters get together for thanksgiving every year at my cousins’ house, the one that lived just a mile or two away from my old house. Actually she was the reason I moved to the town I did.   We could of lived anywhere in the surrounding cities, but I really wanted to live by family so we found a home close by. The sad part is we didn’t spend any time together while I was living there, but just knowing that they were down the street was very comforting. Now that I’m single and don’t have a house to run I hope to spend more time with her and her family.

Last year was the first time I have really hung out with all theses cousins. It was amazing. We had a great time together. It was so fun and festive and I loved hanging out with such a big group.  For the past many years we’ve only had 9 adults in attendance for Thanksgiving, Easter, and Christmas. And it hasn’t been much fun. The holiday dinners are more of an obligation in my family then I joy.  Earlier this year I was planning on moving to UT in hopes of spending fun holidays with family friends and being surrounded by little kids running around and the sounds of laughter. Maybe that’s not how it really is with big families, but from what I have seen on TV and in movies holidays seem so much more enjoyable the bigger the group and the more kids there are.   I yearn to be surrounded by love and laughter.

Now I just need to figure out what to do about Christmas this year.  Who has the coolest and funniest family and is willing to share them with me?  Maybe once I get married and have kids of my own I will love this holiday and want to spend it home alone with my family, but till then I’d love to spend it with another family. I wish I could just walk into one of those Christmas Movies so I can see if it’s as good at it appears. Maybe I’m being unrealistic and the grass isn’t really greener on the other side. The problem is I will never know since I’m an only child. I will never have siblings who have spouses and kids that I can spend the holidays with.  I guess that is why I want to marry into a big family and have a big family on my own. I really want a Hallmark Holidays.

I am a Barn

I’m a Barn, not a cow or pig, but a barn.   You may ask why am I not a cow, well for one a cow is much bigger then me, just in case you didn’t notice. And I really like wearing the colors red and pink and a cow has a single palette of black and white.   Now that you know why I don’t consider myself a cow I think I’ll keep you in suspense a while as to why I think I am a barn.

I’ve always envied those girls that have a bff and does everything with her.  It’s just not fair that I don’t have a local girlfriend that is on the same schedule as me who wants to hang out and have fun with me.  A bff that wants to go on crazy road trips , act all goofy with me, and just hang out together and laugh and cry together. In high school I did have a bff for a number of years and we were inseparable at times.  The horrible thing was she graduated a year before me and when she left for college I was totally devastated. Since that time I have not been able to connect with another girl that has a similar schedule with me that we can really hang out, talk and be what bff I see other people have.  A few months back while one my girlfriends was unemployed we had the opportunity to talk everyday on the phone during my 45min commute to work. That was really fun.  It lasted several months till I moved and she went back to school.  But even during that time I still felt like I was missing out on what I saw with these other girls.

Back to my barn analogy. I’ve come to the realization that I may never have that bff that I year for. I will never give up that dream, but for now I am a barn, one of those Amish barns that needs a whole community to raise it. As much as I want that one best friend I think I’ll have to settle for a multitude of best friends. Each serving their own purpose.

I have one local girlfriend that I love hanging out with and she and I encourage each other to go to different church events. We both know how easy it is to get lazy and stay at home so we push each other to get out and be social.  It’s amazing the amount of people we have met and the fun things we have done by just putting in a little effort to get out and make ourselves available.   In addition while we are driving to these events we talk up a storm. It’s amazing how much you can fit into a 20 minute car ride when you know you’re limited on time.

I have another girlfriend that I have know since before my mission back in high school. They had just moved into the area and I was friendly with her son who is also my age.  We didn’t know each other well, but she was around. When I came home from my mission she was my cheering section.  After a while I fell off the face of the earth, then with the invention of face book, we reconnected this past year. She’s amazing. It’s crazy it’s as no time has passed, she is right there by my side reading my blogs and cheering for me.  She is one of the official members of cheer squad.

I have a few other friends that aren’t local, but also read my blog and continue to cheer me on.  They are good examples to me and as a team they are able to say what I need to hear. They set me straight when my thinking gets a little off. They lovingly reprimand me when I’m going in the wrong direction and set me straight. They remind me of what’s important in life and help me achieve my goals, even when I can’t remember what I was working towards.

I have spent a lot of time on the receiving end of love and friendship and it’s nice to be able to turn the table and be on the giving end.  I feel bad sometimes that I am the one always receiving and never giving. I know that friendships need to be balanced and if one feels like they are giving all the time and not receiving then things get strained. 

I was so happy to hear my friend say the other day “that was what I really needed.”  This is a friend that has made been a guiding influence in my life.  He has stood by my side as all hell broke out in my life and let me escape to his house when I didn’t want to be at mine.  I have spent many of days crying on his shoulder in the hot summer heat and he has not pushed me away.  So, actually having the opportunity to be there for him to help him along in getting to where he wants to go in life is refreshing.   Now, I have a place that he can go to if he needs to get away.  I am now in a better place that I can help him along instead of him always being the one to help me along.  I love having a friend I can laugh and cry with.  A friend that we can joke around with, talk about nothing and then all of a sudden be able to talk about gospel things and things that really matter. I love having a friend that isn’t perfect, but is strong in the areas I am weak, or at least is strong at the moment when I am weak. It’s nice to have someone that totally understands what you are going through because they are or have gone through the same things.  The odd thing is what I said to him wasn’t anything from me. I was just repeating back to him things he has told me before that he needs and wants. I am realizing that sometimes what we need more then someone preaching to us is a friend that knows us well enough that they can remind us of what we really want and need.  I had a friend show this to me last year and I am happy that I can pay this forward. It is not always easy keeping an eternal perspective.  Having a friend with the same long term goals has really helped me focus on what I really want and not be so easily distracted to by the crocodile of the world.

Between our deep philosophical discussion and planning out our next move to conquer the world we did a fun little experiment. I have to say it’s nice to have a friend that you can conduct even the silliest or dumpiest experiments and no matter how they turn out you can say at least you enjoyed the ride.  We have tried this experiment out in the past and it didn’t work so I’m not sure why we thought we’d get different results this time, but it was a fun experiment the first time so we thought we’d give it another try.   Maybe we should stop reading the book “The Little Engine That Could,” because some times it just can’t. As I said before the experiment once again failed miserably. On the upside after a through investigations I am proud to say that no animals were harmed in the process. They are a little shaken up but will be ok.  In addition if I didn’t learn anything else from my father, he taught me safely first and always keep a fire extinguisher close at hand.  So the house is still standing and there are no earth shattering results to share other then live is back to status quo.  No one will be living on the moon anytime soon.  And a fun time was once again had by all.

Bragging Rights

I had the coolest costume this year for Halloween and tried to go to as many parties as I could just so I could show off how good I looked.  By Halloween I finally lost steam and so did everyone else. I couldn’t believe Halloween was finally here and I was costumed out.  I just couldn’t do it one more time.  To my surprise neither could any one else.  I still had one more party to attend and as much as I wanted to wear jeans and a t-shirt I figured I had to dress in something festive even if it wasn’t going to be my coolest costume ever.  I opted for the good old stand by of cowgirl. 

When you own the coolest red cowboy boots you can never give them up and they have to make an appearance at least once a year.  I acquired these awesome boots back in high school.  I went to a college prep high school and everyone dressed kind of preppy and I was the odd ball out.  I came up with the most bizarre trends that some tried to pull off, but rarely were able to with such finesse.   Looking back at pictures I really wonder sometimes what was I thinking. On the other hand I was never picked on or made fun of for my bizarre clothing choices and I even got some followers.  As I was saying our school was not Podunk at all. No one wore cowboy hats or boots, that just wasn’t the trend. Well, not till my senior year when they started bussing people in, but that’s another story.   One year I acquired the coolest red cowboy boots.  They weren’t a pair of those cheap knock off fashion boots they were “the real McCoy.” And boy did I look stunning, if I say so my self. They went great with my little red skirt and with jeans.  My girlfriend also got a pair and boy were we a team.

Over the years I have purged my closet a million times, but I have always held on to those boots.

Back to my story of why I have total bragging rights.  It’s Halloween night and all of us are burnt out of dressing up so three of us show up to the party in western wear.  Here’s the kicker. This guy goes on about how he’s so happy with himself that he can still fit in these jeans that he got on his mission.  I know kind of weird a guy bragging about fitting in his clothing.  Well, sort of he says they are a little snug. Well, good for him, but that was like a year or two ago. Some other guy ups him as he’s happy he can fit into his pants that are a year or two old, but they are a size too big now.  Good for him, I’m proud of him.  He’s been working hard to loose weigh.  As not to take away from his success, I didn’t add that I was wearing a hot pair of jeans that I got back in 1994. Oh yea, that’s 16 years ago and no I didn’t have to suck it in to button them.   Now, just aren’t I just the coolest?!

I don’t have a ton to brag about in my life, as you well know from my blog, so I just have to take a minute to pat myself on my back to remind me that I’ve got something going for me.  My head may not be screwed on right most of the time, but at least I have worked hard to keep healthy and fit, if not anything else. So, Yea! for me.  Thank you, Thank you.

Are you talking about me?

I’ve had it come up several times, people asking me if I was talking about them in my blog posts.  The answer has always been “No.”  It’s amazing how many people have a guilty conscious.  It’s kind of funny if you ask me.  My question to you is if it were you I was talking about, would you make the changes in your life that I suggest in my blog? Would you really get the hint of what ever I was alluding to?  

If you think I may be talking about you or you have some of the traits of one of my characters and need to make some changes in your life to better your self feel free to talk to me about it. Maybe we can work together at getting your life together so you can be a better person. If you haven’t noticed this blog is all about me. I talk openly and honestly about my struggles and my journey as I work on becoming a better person. Life is a journey, not a destination.

I write in a way that I hope many will see themselves in my blog. I want others to be able to relate.  This blog is all about growing and evolving into a better person. I invite all my readers to embark on the journey along side me.  Let’s all work together to become the person God intended us to be.  We all have so much potential and sometimes we need a friend to say just the right thing that will spark something in us and to get us back on track.  I’m also hope that by my sharing my experiences with you it will assist you in avoiding the hurt and drama I have experience in my life. If I can do this for just one person then it is all worth it. And if you can’t avoid it at least you know you have a friend that can relate.

There are a few people I talk about in my blog on a regular basis. These people have had a profound impact on my life and continue to say profound things to me that help me better my life.  The BFF that reads my blog on a regular basis and who I often quote is someone that truly cares about me and loves me enough to tell me when I have strayed from the path.  So as he kicks me into line and lovingly motivates me to get my shit together he gives me a new lesson to blog about.  For the most part the people I mention are usually complication of many people.  On occasion I do mention a person here or there that has made an appearance in my life.  So, don’t be shy, just ask me. The worst or best thing that can happen is I say is “I’m talking about you” or “I’m not talking about you”, depending on what I wrote.

The people that I do blog about that need to make changes in their lives to become better people probably don’t read my blog or if they do they don’t even see themselves. Go figure! 

The Friend Zone

What in the world is “The Friend Zone?” Prior to September when I met this guy who was obsessed with making sure he wasn’t in “The Friend Zone” I had never heard this term before.  According to him “The Friend Zone” is a place girls place guys that they view only as a friend and not as a romantic partner.  Once a guy has been categorized as “just a friend” it’s nearly impossible to undo.  

I just did some research and learned from Wikipedia that the “friend zone” was popularized in 1994 by the television sitcom Friends. I guess if I had be up on my sitcoms I would have know about scary zone that females can also fall victim of. Good thing I never learned about the "friend zone" or I would end up like this guy who now has all these rules to make sure he doesn’t become victim of “The Friend Zone” again.

In this case ignorance really has been bliss for me.  I guess I still don't really get the big deal of the "friend zone." For me I’d prefer to date “a friend” someone I know and trust then an enemy, but that is just me.  I’m all about safe dating.  I’d prefer dating someone I know or a friend of a friend instead of a total stranger. Have you ever seen the movie “So I married an Axe Murder?” Call me crazy, but I don’t want to become the documentary for that movie.

I guess there have been people in my life that I have pigeon holed as just friends. There was this one guy in High school who was my best friend. He really liked me, but I just didn’t share the same feelings.  On the other hand he made out pretty well staying friend with me even though he never got to date me. I had a ton of girlfriends and he dated every single one of them. If it wasn’t for us being so good friends they wouldn’t of given him the time of day. 

I have another male friend now that works hard to get in the “friend zone” with many females so he can meet her friends and date them. Being in the “friend zone” with these girls’ works to his advantage. They know him and since they don’t like him in that way are more then happy to set him up with their friends.  Being his friend they know he’s a good guy and aren’t worried about their friends going out with him. And since they don’t like him in that way they aren’t jealous when he goes out with other girls.  I have to say I’m more likely to set up my two really good friends then a good friend with an associate. I would hate to be responsible for setting up one of my girlfriends with a scumbag.  Sorry guys, but unless we are really good friends I’m not letting you anywhere close to my girlfriends.

Years later there was another guy that I pigeon holed as being “just a friend.” Then after getting to know him things changed and I fell “head over heels” in love with him.  It was the craziest thing.  It wasn’t love at first sight at all. When we met I wasn’t looking to fall in love or even date. So, I never really checked him out or even looked at him in the terms of being attractive. He was just there.  We quickly become friends and spent a lot of time working together. We really connected and working together was a joy. We had this unbelievable connection. It was as Anne of Green Gables explained it we were kindred spirits.  Then something changed and I thought he was the hottest thing ever and I was totally in love with him.  This love wasn’t your typical I don’t know you, but I think you’re hot and are fun to hang out with and I just can’t keep my hands off of you, type of thing.  I truly loved him and cared about his well being and wanted to spend more time together getting to know him and learning from him.  For me it was a hard adjustment to take him out of the so called “friend zone” and allow myself to love him.  At first I was kind of mad at him for changing things and confused about what was going on, but after talking to him and understanding what happened and finding out he felt the same way towards me we worked things out.  Unfortunately this story doesn’t have a happily ever after ending. As circumstances has it, or shall we say Murphy’s Law, soon as we professed our love for each other we both moved and as hard as we tried to keep in touch we lost in touch.  I have never loved or cared about someone as much as I loved and cared about him.  What we shared was truly amazing.  When we were together I was a different person, a better person. Loving him gave me the strength to be that person I want to be. I found a me that I never knew existed. A more spiritual me, a more god centered me, a me that has amazing goals and abilities. I truly loved the me that I was when I was with him and am working on becoming that woman with out him. I hope someday to come across another kindred spirit and be so lucky to marry him.

I don’t view being in the “friend zone” as this black hole that is inescapable.  Have you ever seen “My Best Friend’s Wedding?” I love that movie.  Seriously, if my best friend had professed his love for me right before my last two weddings I would of totally married him.  Next time it will be different. The last two times I got married to get out of situations. I am finally happy with where I am in life and where I am going. I love where I live and I have a job that supports me. I no longer need some guy to rescue me.  Especially since instead of rescuing me I ended up in a worse situation than I was in. Boy, did I learn the hard way that the grass is not greener on the other side.  I was lucky to get out when I did and happy that there were no children involved.

I’ve got another good example of someone that is was and is again in the “friend zone.” I have another friend that when we first met we placed each other in the “friend zone.” It just worked out better that way. This way we could hang out all the time and have fun with out worrying about whether each other liked the other.  The only problem with this is the more two people spend together the more they get to know each other and then they can easily start to like each other. And it doesn’t help the matter when both of you think the other is totally hot.  So as you have it after a particular hot weekend we considered removing each other from the friend zone, but after some deep consideration we decided for now it’s best we keep the “just friends status.”  On the other hand things could change for us in the future. Maybe after we both get more of our lives in order things will change. Till then we can work together in helping each other get to where we want to be in life. At least we got one thing agreed upon we both think the other is totally hot, so at least we know each other is the other’s type.  It’s not like we are both doomed to the “friend zone.” On the other hand there are some friends that are in the “friend zone” who will never come out because there is something about their looks or personality that makes them a great friend, but won’t let them get beyond that. I have to say it’s kind of nice having a totally hot friend to hang out with.  With that being said since we are such good friends, with similar senses of humor hopefully as we continue to make friends we will be able to make friends that other will want to date and we can both win in this friendship.  It’s helpful to know what your friends are looking for so if you meet someone that fits the bill you can introduce them.

I’ve never been picky with who I married and look where I ended up. This time I’m going to be extra picky, as now I have learned I deserve more. Much more. As they say third time is the charm. Next time I am going to marry my best friend, my kindred spirit. Someone that is working towards the same eternal goals as I am. Someone that when I’m with them makes me want to be a better person and brings out the best in me. And since I’m planning on being extra picky this time Husband #3 will be #1 in my book. He is going to be totally hot and when he kisses me my toes will curl.