The ultimate plan and dream is to end my life story with....And she lived happily ever after. Who doesn't have that dream? Don't we all want to live in the house with the white picket fence, dog, husband and 2.5 kids.
That being said and established early in life then I question why am I not there yet? Well, I can answer that for you. My life must be far from over. If my life were to become a book, that would be the last page. For now I'm just filling in the pages between the beginning, my birth, and the end my death.
Thus being said it still seem that all my goals should lead me toward my ultimate goal, but for some reason it doesn't seem like all my decision are leading me down that path and I wonder why.
So, I got to thinking what drives me. Some people are driven by money. Other are driven by power. Some flounder in the wind and are driven by culture, what ever that may be. Either pop culture, current trends, or the community they were brought up in. Some people live in a culture rich community filled with traditions and heritage. Most people grow up in a family environment and are molded by their parents and other family members. Some grow up with strong ties to a church and are molded by what the church teaches it's members.
I grew up in a loving family consisting of two parents that want the world for me. They engrained in to me many things over the years. I also grew up in a church which gave me structure and taught me what to do so I will be happy.
I was provided with the knowledge of how to achieve my ultimate goal of ... happily every after. I had a whole support system to cheer me on. If that was the case then why haven't I always been living the life? I believe there has been one thing that continually gets in my way and that is my battle with mental illness. And not being aware of this battle and not having the keys to work with it. In addition I also suffered from allergies. Allergies alone can make one quite loopy. Let me first discuss my battle with allergies. I am right now in the mists of allergy season so if I appear to be rambling and going on tangents I wish you luck on being able to follow it. If my blogs don't make sense please try to be understanding. And if you don't see many blogs it's because I spend a great deal of time sleeping and my brain isn't quite functioning enough to get all the thoughts down on paper. Also I know I'm not all here and don't want to say anything too rash.
I suffer from allergies year round. I am on allergy medication year round. This has been my life since a little girl. To protect me as a child my mom kept me indoors during the worst of the allergy season. As a kid you don't make many crucial decisions in your life so I wasn't totally aware of how allergies affected me other then I spent lots of time indoors and had a runny nose a lot. As I've gotten older. I have come to realize that during the worst of allergy season (Spring & Fall) the elevator doesn't go all the way up. My brain doesn't functions at it should. Thoughts go in and out of my head and things go in tangents. Before I finish one thought another comes into my head and the first is totally forgotten. I'm tired all of the time, no matter how much sleep I get and even thought I don't really take more medication during allergy season then I do during the rest of the year. If you happen to talk to me you may think I'm all doped up on something. Thus allergy season is not a time to make any big decisions, purchases, or operate machinery. Unfortunately I don't realize when it's allergy season all the time. It's not like it's the same day every year. The weather continues to change and thus the plants bloom at different times every year. In addition it creeps up on me. It's kind of like PMS, but it lasts longer. I guess I should also add I also suffer from really bad PMS and since my cycles have no schedule I have no clue that it's really PMS and not me so add that to the mix.
I know that many criminals try to plead insanity to get out of paying the price for their crimes. I am not trying to do that here. I have paid dearly for the decisions I have made and have to believe that everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan for me. I don't know what all those reason are.
In this last week I have come to realize that I am thankful for some experiences I have had because I now have true empathy for those I love. Sympathy is good, but being able to have empathy for someone you really love, to be able to feel there pain, can really bring you closer on a whole other level. Even thought I am thankful for the ability to feel empathy I am still confused as why I had to go through these trials. Was it really God's plan all along so I can feel this empathy? That just seems odd to me that he would want me to go down that path, to go against his rules just so in the end I can feel this empathy. That just seems to go against all I was taught as a kid. All I can say is God works in mysterious ways. I don't think we will ever truly understand him and his reasoning behind what he does.
Not all of the experiences I have gone thorough are due to my bad decisions. I think back to this one experience I had on my mission. It was scary and it was not caused by anything that I did wrong, but if I hadn't had that experience I would never be able to really relate and emphasize with this one friend I had. The thing is it is a very unique experience that very few have had and it is impossible to really understand someone who has had it unless you have had it yourself.
I was first aware that I suffer with depression back in high school. When I realize this I went to my doctor and requested assistance, but didn't get the help I needed. Thus I suffered with depression for many years alone. In turn that caused me to have no self worth and to see life thought dark colored glasses. And due to that perspective of the world I made the choices that I did. The sad thing is I never had and friends that I felt like I could talk to about what was going on in my head. Thus I spent many years feeling all alone, like I was the only one who felt these things. It wasn't till 2009 that I finally felt comfortable enough to open up and have found others that can relate to me and finally I don't feel so alone. Over the years I did have moments when I opened up to people, but it never lasted long enough that I was able to get over feeling so alone. I am thankful that I finally have the support system that I need to come out of my shell and ask for help when I need it.
The second time it came to my attention that I suffer from mental illness was on my mission. Of course I didn't realize I was having problems or suffering from depression until I was already quite gone mentally. That continues to be a problem for me. I don't notice I have am suffering for depression till it's been going on for a very long time, it can be months or years and then when I hit rock bottom it finally dawns on me and I think "I have a problem and they have doctors for this." And that is when I go seek outside help. It came to that point on my mission. I felt was quite suicidal so I alerted the Mission President and he immediately got me help. I was diagnosed with a Chemical Imbalance that led me to be depressed. I came home from my mission and saw doctor after doctor each with a different diagnoses. Some thought it was Anxiety Depression, others thought it was Bi-Polar II. Anyway I was put on a variety of meds, but never found the right one or correct dosage. With a mixture of meds and therapy you would of thought it would do the trick, but it didn’t. Or maybe it did, I guess it all depends on how you look at it. I was still alive. I bounced in and out of therapy over the years and went on and off meds. Hoping that some combination of the two would be the cure. I look back now and realize that the life choices I made during those years were more about survival then about getting to my end goal of .. and she lived happily every after.
Then in 2002 or there about I was sick of not being happy and willing to give therapy and meds another try so I went back to the doctor. The never got the meds right, but I was sick of trying different meds and dosages that I just gave up and stuck with what I was on even though I knew it wasn’t working. I figured it was better then nothing. I was also in therapy at the time. I did that for a couple of years I think. I can’t really recall and think I stopped due to my boss was getting upset that I was missing so much work and my insurance ran out.
Then in 2008 I was sick of not being happy and willing to give therapy and meds another try so I went back to the doctor. I have had so much unsuccessful with both and trying to regulate meds is such a hassle that I really hate doing it unless I’m at the end of my ropes. I tried out a myriad of new meds, and instead of private therapy my doctor suggested taking classes offered through the hospital. At this time Kaiser was trying out a new type of therapy or theory to helping people overcome depression and anxiety called the Psychology of happiness. Instead of focusing on what makes you miserable it focuses on changing your way of thinking and helps you focus on things that make people happy.
In 2009 I decided to get off my meds because I realized that they caused me to always be mildly depressed. Instead of living my life on a roller coaster, which I’ve always hated, I was always on a low. I realized that I rather be on a roller coaster where I am sure to have great ups then always be living in the downs. Let’s just say getting off the meds with the help of a doctor was an adventure that I don’t wish upon anyone. Well after being off the meds, things have been much better. I still have my ups and downs and I still get depressed, but it isn’t as bad as it has been in the past and doesn’t last as long. And with the assistance of those classes and reading Happiness Now by Robert Holden and going through all the exercises I am in a much better place. In my prior blog I went though each exercise and blogged about it. I recommend this book to anyone that suffers from depression. It really helped me changed my way of thinking. For once I think it worked. At least I feel like it was much more effective then all the years of individual therapy.
So that puts me at today. Off meds and on my own. I am much happier then I have been in years. At the same time I still have my ups and downs. And I realize that I suffered with a bout of depression during the final stages of my marriage as I was going through my divorce. I wasn’t suicidal or anything and I didn’t realize it till now, but due to all the stress I was really not myself. I wasn’t thinking straight as I lived my life in limbo for over a year. Not quite married, but not quite divorced. I did what I did out of survival. There is fight or flight mode and then there is survival mode. We do all we can just to get through the day. The choices we make may not be the best but in the end we are alive and that is what we have to show. You many not understand unless you have been there, but that is what it is. So I regret some of the choices I made, but I can’t take them back. What I can say is they made me who I am and I have faith in God that everything happens for a reason. With out those experiences I wouldn’t be who I am. And on that note I say: “Look at me Now.” I turned out quite well for all that I have gone through and endured in my time.
And from here we move on.
I hope that I am back on the path so I can end my life story with… and she lived happily ever after.
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