I’m trying so hard to look at the big picture, but it hasn’t been easy these last few days. So, much is going on right now my body is in emotional overload.
On Friday I as informed that my divorce paperwork has finally been processed and now all I have left to do is wait till May 17, 2012 for the divorce to be finalized. That is 2 months, 3 weeks, and 4 days. You’d think I’d be happy or feel some sense of relief, but my overall state of being overwhelmed has taken over. I’m glad to have everything finally done; it’s just been an ordeal and expensive. If only it would be all over on May 17th. The reality is it will never be over. What he did to me will stay with me for life. Some day it will be a distant memory, but for now it is an open wound. It’s still even hard for me to grasp that I was abused. I still don’t fully understand that. It’s so much easier to label an abuse victim when you see the black eye, the broken arm or the bruises. There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that they were abused. But someone suffers from emotional abuse, there are no open wounds, no visual scars, it’s only one person’s word against another. And due to the abuser brain washers the victim, the victim doubts that they were ever abused. If someone is told that it’s their fault for so long they will believe it. They will believe they were the one in the wrong. Abusers are all about needing to feel like they are in power and they are very manipulative. So, here I am wondering if I was ever really abused, but then I go to these classes at WEAVE and they make it so obvious, that yes, indeed I was abused. Sadly my classes at WEAVE end this Thursday, hopefully I can remember all that I learned and not second guess and doubt myself so much. My biggest fear is that I get blinded again by the obvious and end up in yet another abusive relationship. Looking back I can see some of the signs, but they weren’t so obvious as I doubt anyone would knowingly get into an abusive relationship. So, my fear continues I just hope and pray that I don’t fall into another abusive relationship. I try my best to live with the attitude that everything happens for a reason. We cross paths with everyone we do because someone needs to learn a lesson. But it’s hard to understand fully God’s plan for it all as I can’t believe he would want his children hurt at the same time he has sent us down to earth to learn and grow. So then I wonder if I could have learned these lessons another way or did I need to go through all of this to get to where I am today? I am one of those people who have little patience and want result now. Thus I may do things the hard way because they give the quickest results, and I live with the no pain no gain theory. That is what I’m doing with my allergy shots. I could get one set of shots a week and I would be up to my full dosage in 20 weeks or 5 months. Instead I’ve decided to double up and get it done in 10 wks. Which has resulted in constant itching, being uncomfortable, constant headaches, tired all of the time(due to the Benadryl) and being irritable all of the time. I’m crossing my fingers that the shots are effective and when I get to the full dosage on March 19th that things will smooth out. I used to be cold all of the time. Now I’m running around the house in a tank top and no slippers and ice packs.
I try to look at the positive. If it weren’t for Randy I wouldn’t have met the nutritionist, got tested for my thyroid and food allergies, wouldn’t have been directed to WEAVE, and wouldn’t have started talking to Josh again and taken up snowboarding and met my roommate. Which lead me to where I am today. So maybe the 5+ months of abuse provided me with a lifetime of good. It’s hard to believe that this was God’s plan, but maybe it’s all for the greater good. What doesn’t kill us makes me stronger. Maybe we need to always look at the big picture. Like with my job. I got notice last Monday that I was being laid off. He just can’t afford to keep me on anymore. It took a week for it to really settle in by this weekend the reality of I need to find a new job finally hit me, leaving me feeling quite down. My job has been the one constant in my life this past year. I may have moved 4 times and I may take a different route to work everyday, but I still end up at the same place. Now that is changing. Earlier this year my roommate finally convinced me to look for a job with the state and I have been working on that. I was a bit worried about leaving my boss so that fear is gone, but at the same time I’m not ready to leave. I know my job isn’t that great. I don’t get paid my worth, I don’t have benefits, or a retirement plan, but it’s been working for me. It gives me just enough to get by and if I scrimp and save enough and am extra frugal it can grant me a little extra so I can have those small luxuries in life such as taking myself on a trip or two. I was really looking forward to beginning to start saving again in March, now that I’m done paying my taxes, divorce fees, and lawyer fees. But now with my job disappearing that doesn’t seem like the case. So, here I am mourning the loss of the life I should be having right now, the life I was promised just 9 months ago. Randy said I wouldn’t have to work if I didn’t want to, I could spend time working on my book, and we could start a family. All that was stripped away from me less then a week after he made the promise. I held on a long time hoping and dreaming it would still happen, that he’d snap out of it and be the man he promised, but as you can see that was not the case. So, I bargained with myself and traded all that with traveling to Thailand with Julia this fall. I did some budgeting and figured that starting with my next paycheck I could start saving for that trip. Sadly that doesn’t seem to be panning out either. I just keep making plans after plans and nothing seems to go as planned. Now I need to scramble and find another job not so I can fund my next trip, but so I can just live from day to day. That just doesn’t seem fair. I deserve a break. When is it my time to have it all.
I have to laugh as I look back to just a little over a month ago I was wondering if I was giving up what I wanted most for what I want now. That seems so insignificant now as “What I want” doesn’t seem to matter anymore. I feel like a plastic maker on the game Chutes and Ladders. I wonder how many more shoots I have to fall down before I make it to square 100. We all see the goal, the prize and are all rushing to make it there. Some people get the long ladder in square 28 that takes you all the way to square 84. Others of us keep hitting the chutes. I feel at times like I got the short end of the stick. I worked so hard and made it all the way to square 87 then I hit the chute and got sent back to square 24. I thought I was so close, but the reality was it was only a mirage. It was never the real thing. I hope and pray that the classes I took at WEAVE will sink in and stay fresh in my mind so I won’t get caught up in another Mirage.
You may wonder if I’m obsessed with traveling and if that is top on my bucket list. The answer is no. What I want most no amount of money can buy, but till I can get that I will settle for what money can buy. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can reduce stress, as we all need it to provide us with food & shelter and it can also give you something to do to distract you/or entertain you while you are working towards greater goals in life.
Thus said now you can see how my getting laid off is just the icing on the cake. Not only am I not living the life I was promised back in May, I am not even getting to live the life I bargained for. So here I am trying to figure out what to do next. I am not ready to let go of my trip to Thailand with Julia as I just had to give up my happily ever after. So I’m going to fight to have my second choice. Which is pretty sad as I know I can still get what I want most and need to let go and not be so hung up on what I didn’t get on my timeline. Because I do know in the back of my mind that everything happens for a reason and God must have a much better plan for me. As every set back is a set up for a come back. So here I come. I wish I could feel it. For now it’s only logics and words. Hopefully I’ll be able to really believe it soon.
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