Christmas Party

So not to make my heart ache more then it has to. I am forgoing one of the Christmas parties I had planned on going to because he’ll be there.

I know if I go he'll probably dance with me as he's a polite kind of guy.  But, then I can just see myself stressing all night, what should I say, how should I act, who should I sit with. Then I'll wonder if he'll ask me to dance, then I'll probably make a fool of myself and throw myself at him.  Or maybe he'll bring a date and then I'll even feel worse.

The only reason I was going to go was to be with him.  And now the only reason I would be going would be to win him back. I thought maybe if he saw me in a different environment, looking pretty and having fun he’d want to be with me.

Then I realized that the reason I’m not with him was it wasn’t mean to be.  For some reason that God only knows, he has kept us apart.  And if I really look deep in my heart I know he’s not right for me.  Yes, he’s doesn’t have those bad things I don’t want in a man, and he has some really good traits too, but at the same time he doesn’t have all the good things I want either. I need to stop looking for someone who just isn’t an addict and abusive.  I need them to be all the things I need.

This has been a really hard choice for me.  It’s so hard to let go of what could have been. 

I can’t wait till next Saturday the party would have come and gone by then and I can stop wondering if I should go.  The good thing is I have another party I can go to too, but I’m not sure if I want to go there either. I think I might just stay at home, cuddle with my puppies and watch a good movie and have a guaranteed good evening.  My heart needs some more mending before I put it back on the market.

Insanity Plea

I plea insanity. That explains my life, especially the last two years. I’m pretty sure that no one in their right mind would have lived the life I have for the past 2 years.  You see criminals plea insanity all of the time for the things they have done, so why can’t I?

I tried to get an annulment from my marriage to Randy based on Fraud, but sadly like all good scam artist, it’s not that easy to prove and I didn’t want to give the rest of my retirement to a lawyer, just so I would have legal proof that he was a Fraud. 

You always hear about little old ladies being scammed out of their retirement and you think, they must be really dumb to fall for that.  Well, I’m a college graduate sharp as a tack and I was taken for the ride of my life.  His lies slowly leaked out, but it wasn’t till we were in marriage counselor that they really gushed out.   I think the poor women was shocked at what poured out of his mouth and with that the directly sent me to a place for battered women.

In the process of trying to stay safe from him and out of reach I ended up in another bad situation/relationship.  Very different, but just as bad.  But, I guess when you are on the run, you take what you can get, you do what ever you have to stay safe.  So, don’t be so quick to judge people you have no idea what there situation is or what they are going through.

It’s amazing at how much damage can be done to one person in such a short time.

So, here I am.  At one time I was an amazing cook. I could cook most anything from a recipe, but now I’m pretty useless in a kitchen. I have been so torn down and micro-managed that if someone else is in the kitchen I just stand there.  My mind completely turns off and except for apologizing I do nothing unless instructed.  Because I’m sure that what ever I’m doing is wrong, because that is what I have been told.

My mind races at night replaying recent events.  My heartaches from a void that should be filled, but isn’t.  I wish like a broken computer you could just order a new heart, but you can’t. You can’t replace years like you replace a battery on a car.  Nothing can take away the memories or erase the pain.

I’m no longer that free loving spirit I used to be.   More and more things scare me every day. My fears increase daily. I see how people can become agoraphobic.   I used to be passionate about so many things, now I just want to escape in books, movies, and TV. I want to enter into that picture perfect post card. This is the results of years of abuse.

Please God forgiving me of all my past sins I wasn’t in my right mind.   I’m now in a much safer place.  It appears that Randy has stopped stocking me or has become stealthier. I finally feel safe going out alone and being home alone.  I no longer fear for my life.

I had hoped that changing my diet would cure my depression, but it hasn’t.  I’ve been beginning to wonder if mental illness will plague my entire life. My doctor will probably still agree that it’s situational and if I didn’t live in such an abusive environment I wouldn’t suffer so much.  In addition my doctor would probably also suggest like they did before move somewhere where life is slower.

I really don’t want to go back on prescription medication again as I was on it for years and they were never able to find the right combination and dosage, but if things don’t get better fast I’m going to have to change my insurance, to one that isn’t just for catastrophic and give it another try.  In addition I think I’ll also move somewhere quieter.   I’m not sure where to yet, but I need to make a fresh start and give life another try.   

My 1st AA Meeting

Well, as you know I love adventures. So why not add attending an AA meeting to that mix.  Yes, there is a great story to this as there is with all of my adventures.  If you recall back in Oct I posted a blog about my ex. How his new girlfriend was going to leave him if he didn’t cut back on his drinking. Well, as expected he went too far this past weekend, did some things that were inappropriate and drunk texted her.  And as expected she dumped him.

Sunday night he came to me and I told him straight out that if he wants her back and wants to live he needs to admit he’s an alcoholic, give up drinking and got to AA.

I spent a good part of Monday and Tuesday chatting with him at work telling him the same thing a million different ways.  I used every analogy I could think of so he’d get it into his head.  He was already to send her an e-mail apologizing to her on Tuesday, but I told him to sleep on it as he had one chance.  As I continually pounded into his head that she wasn’t going to take him back unless he had a game plan, which included giving up drinking and attending AA.

Well, he sent the e-mail this morning and said he’s going to give up drinking, but if he can’t he’ll go to AA. Well, that wasn’t good enough for me. I know enough about addictions, that you not only need to give it up, but you also need to replace it with something better and you also need to have constant support.  So, even though I said I wouldn’t say anything more about him being an alcoholic and going to AA. I gave it one more shot.  I found an article on High Functioning Alcoholic and shared it with him so he can hear it from someone else.  Then I found him an AA group that he could attend at lunchtime and that is how I ended up at my 1^st AA meeting.  I also told him that there are many different AA meetings around. They all follow the same principles, but create a different environment and he needs to keep going to them till he finds one that best suits his needs. I challenged him to go to a different one each week till he finds one that fits his needs. Please add him to your prayers.

Click here to read an article on the:  Characteristics of High-Functioning Alcoholics

Happy Thanksgiving

It’s November, a time to be thankful.  All of my friends are blogging about what they are thankful for and if you are a FB junkie your news feeds are probably being flooded with thankful posts. I know I “Should” jump on the bandwagon, but I’m just not feeling it this year. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t have a ton to be thankful for because I do, but I’m just exhausted pretending all day to be happy and peppy.  I’m trying so hard, but the tears just keep leaking out, yea I’m the person running by you at work hoping to make it there in time to hide the tears that are streaming down my face.  No one would talk to me or want to hang out with me if I showed my emotions so I do my best to hide them. For the most part I do an amazing job. I really should get an Academy Award for my performance.

For those of you who can’t live with out the thankful posts here you go:

I’m thankful for my job. It may not be there tomorrow, but I have to appreciate it for it is. A job. I am so blessed to have one in this economy.  It pays amazingly well and I’m very good at what I do.  As long as I remember it’s just a job and don’t let people around me get to me it’s actually a relatively stress free job that lasts from 8 to 5 and doesn’t involve me taking any work home.  It allows me to have weekends, evenings, and major holidays such as Thanksgiving off.

I’m thankful for a great place to live. I have a nice roommate that is really sweet and invites me to things. The price of rent is reasonable.

My puppies don’t live with me, but I get to visit them and they still adore me.

I have a car that runs.

I have some great friends and a supportive family. And I guess I should get going, or I’ll be later then I already am to Thanksgiving.