Christmas Party

So not to make my heart ache more then it has to. I am forgoing one of the Christmas parties I had planned on going to because he’ll be there.

I know if I go he'll probably dance with me as he's a polite kind of guy.  But, then I can just see myself stressing all night, what should I say, how should I act, who should I sit with. Then I'll wonder if he'll ask me to dance, then I'll probably make a fool of myself and throw myself at him.  Or maybe he'll bring a date and then I'll even feel worse.

The only reason I was going to go was to be with him.  And now the only reason I would be going would be to win him back. I thought maybe if he saw me in a different environment, looking pretty and having fun he’d want to be with me.

Then I realized that the reason I’m not with him was it wasn’t mean to be.  For some reason that God only knows, he has kept us apart.  And if I really look deep in my heart I know he’s not right for me.  Yes, he’s doesn’t have those bad things I don’t want in a man, and he has some really good traits too, but at the same time he doesn’t have all the good things I want either. I need to stop looking for someone who just isn’t an addict and abusive.  I need them to be all the things I need.

This has been a really hard choice for me.  It’s so hard to let go of what could have been. 

I can’t wait till next Saturday the party would have come and gone by then and I can stop wondering if I should go.  The good thing is I have another party I can go to too, but I’m not sure if I want to go there either. I think I might just stay at home, cuddle with my puppies and watch a good movie and have a guaranteed good evening.  My heart needs some more mending before I put it back on the market.