Not the life I signed up for.

And they lived happily every after.  That is the life I think we all signed up for. As a little girl I dreamed one day that I would grow up, get married, live in a little house with a white picket fence, have a dog and have perfectly well behaved children.  I wanted to be a mom and a school teacher. Then at 65 my husband and I would retire and live happily ever after.

Keeping the above in mind, it's hard to imagine that that there was a pre-mortal existence and God asked each of us if we'd accept certain challenges before he send us down to earth.  I really believe this happened. And believing that it's hard to imagine a "Me," who was confident and willing to take on these challenges.  

Now I want to know, what happened to that "Me" that said "Yes" up in heaven and the "Me" that is down here on earth dealing with all this life that isn't going "happily every after?"  Over the years I have witnessed the "Me" that accepted these challenges, she is inside me somewhere, but she seems to be hidden most of the time. The Self-Consicous, lacking of Courage, Faith, Hope and Self-Confidence "Me" seems to be present most of the time.

Everyone needs to feel like they have a purpose in life, a reason for living. Last year I thought I'd figured out my purpose. It was to write this book. Actually it was a series of books, that I researched and found out no one else had written on this subject. I really thought this was something God wanted me to do to help others out by learning through my experiences.  I was on a roll. I had a timeline of how long it would take to write, edit, and submit or publish the book. I had started with the first edit of the book and was really loving the progress. I was really happy and excited about where I was going in life.  I hit a bump in the road when allergy season hit and I felt too sick and tired to write, but I figured I'd pick right up when I was feeling better. Then I hit a roadblock when I told my mom about the plan and that was the end of my dream. Why can't I have a mom that says follow your dream, we'll support you in what every you do. Why can't I have a mom that has faith in me and believes in me. Instead I have a mom that is practical and logical and that gives the world's worst advice. (I love my mom because she is my mom and she means well, she just doesn't always say the right things and has perfected putting her foot in her mouth. Knowing this I need to stop listening to her bad advice, but it's hard she's my mom, and I want to please her and believe her.)

So here I am now, dreamless, purposeless. At a dead end.  I get up, exercise, go to work, to pay those bills, go home, go to bed and then my day starts all over again. Why? What now?  There has to be more to life then this?  I do my best to keep busy by getting together with friends, or people I barley know just to distract myself from this endless rat race. 

I really thought writing that book was my purpose in life. I would be revealing my innermost thoughts to help other girls like me. And maybe I need to get back to writing my book and ignore my Mom and chalk it up as another piece of bad advice she has given me.

I am Food(ed) out

So maybe fooded isn't a word, but that is how I feel. I just can't eat another bite of food. Nothing seems appetizing. Or if it does seem appetizing, by the time I sit down and to eat it my stomach is turning.  This isn't a new issue for me. I've always had issues with food, eating, and my weight. To add to it, my blood sugar drops frequently so I need to eat something every couple of hours. If not all hell breaks out and I totally loose my mind. I'm beyond grouchy, I have no logic and there is no reasoning with me. That is why I try my best to pack granola bars with me where ever I go.

For the past many months or year I have eaten oatmeal every morning as a way to eat breakfast and get it over with.  A couple of days ago I followed my morning routine made my oatmeal and just stared at it. It took all my energy to swallow. The next two days I ate Go Lean cereal because it was there, it was ok, but I just couldn't do it today. I ended up eating a granola bar on the way to work. I knew I had to eat something. Now I'm trying to get through lunch. I've taken a few bites, but wondering if the chicken is cooked all the way through. It's a little to squishy for my taste. Yesterday I made lasagna and had that for lunch. I think it took me 5 hours to get it all down.  I am really lost of what to do to get my appetite back.

My issues with food and my weight started one year in NY on a family vacation when I was a little kid. I got on one of those old fashion scales and my dad made some comment about me needing to exercise or something and it went down hill from there. I've always been self conscious about my looks.  In college I became obsessed with exercising and would work out three times a day. After college I got into body building, but gave that up when I became fooded out. I just couldn't consume enough to bulk up. It was so frustrating. I do miss my old schedule of working 8-5, driving down the street after work to Gold's Gym and working out for 2 hrs. I think it would do me good if I got back into some work out routine. 

Food has been a big struggle for me in my last marriage. My boss is pre-diabetic and wanted my help about 2yrs ago with his diet. I did all this research and taught him all about food, portion control, counting carbs, eating fresh non-processed food, etc. I did my best to get him on the right path, but with his wife working against me in the quest fill the house with ice cream and refusing to cook it hasn't been a success. On the other hand my ex picked up on it and became a health nut. He took "Clean Eating" to the next level and would make faces at me when I went off his self-imposed regiment. So, having a low self image of myself and having eating issues already I felt horrible and eating with him around became a constant battle. I have always been a health conscious. I was raised with no dessert, candy, colored cereal, no soda, etc. My parents engrained in me healthy eating and exercise. This is the way I was raised, but I never imposed my values on anyone else.  I am happy to say I have maintained a fairly constant weight these past 8 years and can still fit in my Wedding dress. Knowing that he should of realized I didn't need his preaching. I can see if I let myself go maybe his assistance would of been appreciated, but that was far from the case. On the other hand he rarely exercised and had continue to gain weight over the years.  His strict eating regiment and exercise has paid off. He has lost the extra pounds and is very lean.  He was even featured in "The Eat-Clean Diet for Men" by Robert Kennedy & Tosca Reno.  He continues thanks me for helping him and change his life, but it's been a hell of a journey for me. On my side, yea, I'm healthier, leaner, and look even better then before, but I'm not sure if it's really been worth the emotional pain. 

It's not just food that has been an issue for me. It's also been my figure. I have always been self-conscious about the way I look. My ex convinced me that I should wear bikinis even though I didn't feel comfortable in them. I tried them for years till I got to the point I didn't want to go swimming anymore. This year I picked up a one piece bathing suit  and now I feel much better about spending time in the water. I actually suggested going to the water park this year, that's a first for me and I had lots of fun.

Over the years I have worn lots of clothing I haven't feel comfortable in because I was afraid if I didn't wear them, my husband wouldn't be attracted to me and would run off with his secretary.  I probably just watch too many movies, but I was convinced of it. So for years I have worn skin tight, revealing, sheer, and sexy, uncomfortable clothing.  Over the past few years I have slowly been pushing those clothing to the back of the closet and have slowly added in pieces that I feel comfortable wearing. The biggest challenge I have with clothing is I am really short and it's not easy finding things that fit. The sleeves are too long and pants are too long. And to add to it all I am very thrifty so I buy 99.9% of my clothing at thrift stores so it's not always finding what I need in petite.  I've recently learned that other short people have their clothing tailored so I am giving in and paying the money to do that. 

I am slowly coming into my own.  Now if I could just quickly recover from all these scars.  I feel like I suffer from PTSD and I didn't even go overseas to fight for this country, all I did was fight the battles at home and over the fence. 

Not your typical divorced Chick.

Yes, I was married twice to two abusive men, the second was also an alcoholic, but I don’t blame them both for why we got divorced. If I had my shit together in the first place I wouldn’t of married either of them and because I got  more of it together I divorced them.   It was my idea to marry and it was I who filed for divorce twice. I admit it I married for all the wrong reasons. I married to get out of bad situations, thinking that “the grass is greener on the other side,” and I was wrong. I think I’ve learned my lesson, only time will tell. My plan now is when I get married to get married because I want to spend eternity with that person and not to just do it to get out of a crappy situation.

So after less then a week of marriage to husband #1 he hit me. I should have gotten out then, but I was scared. At least with that one it was obvious he was abusive and I did get out after 6 months. And for the juicy stuff he's now a girl, you heard it right a girl. I knew he had issues when we got married, but I had no idea they were that intense. 

Husband #2 is both an alcoholic and abusive.  Due to my low self-esteem it took me till this last year to realize he was both an  alcoholic and abusive. I was too busy blaming myself for every problem in our marriage that I was blinded. Most of my regrets in this marriage is about me and what I did or didn’t do.  I regret letting him abuse me like he did. I should have fought back like Ziva does with men in NCIS. I love her character. I wish I was more like her in that way, she doesn’t let any man touch her inappropriately.

I also regret being the martyr. I learned that horrible trait from my mother. I haven’t totally gotten over it but, I’m 110% better.

I regret living my life and doing everything to please him thinking he would live his life to please me. Somehow I learned that lesson wrong in Sunday School, for some reason that was how I thought it was suppose to be, you live and learn.

I regret talking over all the household duties. I figured since he worked all day I would make our house an oasis for him.  I set it up so when he got home he didn’t  have to lift a finger, no yard work, home repairs, etc. That was a big mistake. In doing so I took away his ability to bond with other men. As much as men like to bitch and complain about mowing the lawn each week, it’s part of their manhood and I regret taking that away.  Also by doing all the work around the house caused him to never to grow up and take responsibility. He continued to live as a bachelor, clubbing, going to concerts, and getting wasted on the weekends.  I don’t drink so after paying my dues as his dutiful wife and attending clubs and bars with him I stopped going and he found others to attend with him. 

The good part of it is I know how to care for a house. I know how to install a drip system, convert sprinklers to drip lines, I know all about landscaping, how to put a new dual-valve water valve in the fridge, how to redo the inside of a toilet, how to take apart the kitchen sink and unclog the garbage disposal, how to re-pipe the bathroom sink, how to build a 12ft arbor, how build a pond (12ftx6ftx3ft), how to install a dog door in the wall, how to clean the dryer vent, how to install a ceiling fan, how to build a retaining wall, how to re-caulk a sink, how to install a sliding glass shower door, how to build a deck, etc.

I can go on with a list of my mistakes, but you get the point. I have no problem the blame.  I do not take the blame for him abusing me, that was all on them. There was nothing that I did that was bad enough for me to deserve that.  From what I have seen most divorced people are bitter and hate the opposite sex. That is not me, I still have hope that I will find my dream man.

Commitment Issues

I admit it, I have big commitment issues. I guess that is why I'm having such a hard time finding a place to live. I just can't bear to commit to a 6, 9, or 12 month lease. I just got out of a 7yr commitment and I just don't want to be tied down any more. My hope is when I fall head over heels in love with a place I will be so blinded by my love that I will be able to commit. That's my theory for now.

As I evaluate my life, there is very little that I am committed to right now.  I have a membership to Massage Envy that I love, but it's now month to month, same with my gym membership. On the other hand I am a healthy person so I do get on the stair stepper most everyday. I am just a little lazy when it comes to going to the gym. I'm going to work on that. I don't want to be one of those people that just lets them selves go. At least I have great legs. The diligent exercise has paid off. I'm back down to 114 lbs. That makes me so happy.  It was really upsetting a couple of months back when my ex weighed only a few lbs more then me.  Yes, I have weight issues, I firmly believe men should weigh more then women they are involved with.

I have a cell phone contract, but I'm not committed to keep my data plan. When I got my Droid I made sure that if I wanted to they would allow me to switch back to my old cell and drop the data plan

Now that all my grandparents have passed away there are no more family traditions for the holidays so depending on who makes the best offer that is where I go.

And as for my job it's really flexible so I don't even have to commit to come into work every day.

As for my friends if I commit to be there I really will be there, on the other hand if there is an emergency I have no problem dropping everything for you. Like the other day, I spent the day in the bay area helping my friend prep for a test. She needed me and I was there.

Maybe it's all perspective. It's not that I have commitment issues. I just like being flexible and am very spontaneous.  I never thought of myself as very spontaneous. I thought I liked everything all planned out, or maybe that was how I used to be like. Last year I took this personality test and realized I'm as spontaneous as it gets. So if you're looking for a good time and want to have fun, I'm full of surprises. I'm up to doing most anything and love to try new things. On the other hand I'm not into roller coasters, but what do you expect, you know exactly what happens, there are no surprises there. Next on my list of things to do is Bull Riding and sky diving. Who want's to join me? Friday I think I found some friends to try out the mechanical bull with me. It's not the real thing, but it will have to do for now.

I'm thinking when I have kids I will have more obligations and be more committed. But till then I'm footloose and fancy-free. (I know for those of you that know me, me saying "when I have kids" is a shocker, but I figure one day it will probably happen.)

Disclaimer (Updated Sept 21, 2010)

This is a personal blog. The opinions expressed here represent my own. In addition, my thoughts and opinions change from time to time.  I consider this a blessing of having an open mind. This blog is intended to provide a snapshot and manifestation of the various thoughts running around my head, and as such any thoughts and opinions expressed  may not  be the same, nor even similar, to those I may hold today. All thoughts and information provided on this site is for informational purposes only. I makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information on this blog and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its display or use. All information is provided on an as-is basis.

I write about those things that we all think about, but are too embarrassed to talk about. My hope and prayer is I will say something that you can relate to and I will help you feel less alone. I really feel like one of my purposes in life is to give hope to those that feel life has passed them by. For most of my life I have felt alone and was afraid to share my thoughts and feeling with others because I was afraid no one would understand me or could relate to me. Over the past two years of blogging I have been more comfortable in opening up to others and am starting to make real friends that I allow in.  Prior to this I have always been a closed person and I have let very few in. It has been so much easier for me to put on a happy face with my friends then share with them what is really going on.  

I find blogging very therapeutic. Writing my thoughts down helps me to not over think things and in turn drive myself crazy. I have learned that if I write my thoughts down it is almost like talking to someone, I am able to weigh out all my options and come to a level headed decision, some of the time. Blogging also helps me to vent my frustrations so I don't hold them inside and later blow up. I share my blog with my close friends in hopes they can help me work through my problems, cheer me on in my success, and over all let me know that I'm not alone in my misery, pain, and struggles that we all go thorough in our daily lives.  If you love me and want to join my cheering team please leave comments and words of wisdom.  On the other hand if you hate me then please find a better use of your time then to read my blog and bash me.  I'd prefer to not have to change my blog to private, but if I have to I will.