Being Friendly is a Crime

I though it was good to meet new people and be friendly.  Apparently in the single scene it's a crime and I'm been charged again.  I thought being single would be fun and consists of less drama then married life, but I was wrong.  You make one illegal move and you are on the front cover of the news.  I guess I've been out of the single's scene too long, but I don't recall an issue with poaching when I was in a singles's church group back in the day.  When I was single back then, people came and went like crazy. Every singles group had a continually flux of people, no one ever stayed that long and I don't remember the girls being so territorial. Wait I am a girl. I don't recall ever being territorial.

Here's what's been going down. I joined this singles church group and at first it was all fun and games. They have lots of activities and I was lovin life. Things were really looking good for me. I was making friends, having fun, laughing and life was grand.  Or so I thought. Well, I was living the life.  Then everyone wanted in on the action. I mean really!  Get your own life, you can't have mine and please stop interfering with my wonderful life.  If I'm going to have a relationships with someone I want it a two way thing, I'm not into Menage a trois.  The more the merrier isn't true.  When you have more then two you end up with he said she said and it's just not all that.  With just two people you can just ask the other person what they really think and get a straight answer and life is so much easier and you get away from assuming which makes you into an ass.

Here's the deal. I'm friendly. I like chatting it up.  So I go to one event and chat it up with one guy and then everyone thinks I'm dating him. Then I go to another event and chat it up with another guy and then they all think I'm dating him. I mean really. I haven't dated a single guy in the group.  I've hung out with some, done stuff together as friends but, no dating.  Can't two people just have a conversation in public.  I see now why no one dates in this singles group, it's illegal to talk to someone of the opposite sex.  

Just in case I was too vague for you and you can't picture the irony of it all, let me paint the scene. Saturday afternoon I go to a church event. I didn't really want to because I was exhausted, but my girlfriend and I know we both need to be more social so we committed each other to go. When we got there I could of sat on my butt the whole time, but decided if I didn't move around I would fall asleep. There was a group playing Frisbee so I joined in. It helped that I was a pretty girl and they were all guys that they put up playing with me, I'm really bad.  We take a break, I hang out with my girlfriend, lunch is served. I figure I came all this way I'd better get out of my comfort zone and be social.  Plus I'm new, I eyed some new people so I thought since people were nice to me when I first joined the group, I'd pay it forward and be nice to the even newer people then myself.  Since everyone was just standing around chatting it up and I'm a chatter but, I'm more into doing  so I suggested we play Frisbee. After a few hours of playing I'm getting better.  Then the big group started in on games.  If it were back in the day the games would of looked fun, but there are just too many ill feelings that I didn't desire getting that up close and personal with some of the other game players. Plus I'm just not a touchy feely person and the games had a little too much body contact for my comfort zone. In addition I was having a good time chatting it up with the new people. Picnic ended, all was good.

A few hours later we meet up with some of the same people and a guy asks me "What's up with you and the guy at the picnic." My reply, "I was talking to him, like I'm talking to you now." End of conversation. I really thought it stopped there. But, "No." The next day the guy asked a couple of other guys the same thing about me and the guy.  I mean really. If he wants to know if I've got a boyfriend or wants to go out on a date with me he should just ask me and I would have been totally upfront and honest with him. (So for the record, for all of those of you who are wondering I do not have a boyfriend.) It's not like we were holding hands, standing close, hugging, kissing, or sitting next to each other. We didn't have any physical contact. We were just talking a few feet away from each other as we were playing Frisbee. 

And to you Mr. Nosey, you will never make it as a friend on facebook, but for those of you that are. When I am in a relationship and I want everyone to know about it I will change may facebook status. Till then I prefer to keep the intimate details of various aspects my life, especially dating or relationships with the opposite sex classified.  I know I have this blog and it looks like my life is an open book but it's not. I do have a "private life" and would appreciate if you would all assist me in keeping private things private. 

Carousel vs Roller Coaster

My life has always been a Roller Coaster ride and I thought I hated it. So back in about 2002 I took control of my life and made it so it was a Carousel. I really thought that is what I wanted, a ho-hum life with no big ups and down. But, instead of riding one of those horses on the carousel that had a little up and down moment I ended up on the boring park bench that had a broken leg. So I would end up sitting down for a while till the leg gave out and kept falling on my butt. This really didn't turn out the way I wanted. I had no more fun exciting times and I ended up with was a sore butt.

About two years ago it dawned on me that I may not like the big scary roller coaster, but I don't like the carousel ride either.  Since then I've been seeking balance. It has been a challenge.  I have been with out wild fun times for so long that I yearn for them so much I sometimes go overboard and am a little too much over the top.   Oh, how I miss laughing so hard I cry and running through the streets naked, I never actually did that, but you get what I am mean. I am once again single and am looking to have a good time in a balanced sense. Nothing too wild, but wildly fun.

The Best part of being single is Falling in love

This post is dedicated to one of my girlfriend, something to make her smile and brighten her day.

Single life has it's perks when it comes to love.   I am in love with love. Falling in love is so fun. It's scary, exciting and exhilarating all at the same time. Being single you have the chance to fall in love over and over again. The heart break isn't so fun so we won't dwell on that part.  Let's just bask in the joys of falling in love. The newness the excitement. And I have to add the excitement of getting that first kiss. (I totally love the song: Something Like That by Tim McGraw) This song totally makes me smile every time I hear it. I've totally been there, working hard for that first kiss. And when that kiss is toe curing life is good.

Grabbing Life by the Horns

I have always been one to take what I have been given and not ask for more. I used to get teased as a kid because I was an only child and they'd say "You're spoiled." Yes, it is true that I got most everything I ever asked for and wanted, but the reason for that was I was taught early on not to want or ask for more then I could have.  For the most part I have kept the cards I have been dealt and rarely have I ever thrown back a card and requested a new one.  I have spent most of my life being a doormat, just taking it and not fighting back. 

Today is a new dawn and I am here once again trying to reclaim my life. I am done being walked all over and being treated like dirt. I am not going to go down this time with out a fight. I am done dating dorks, geeks, and losers. I am going to fight for what I want in all aspects of my life.

The first step was realizing my life was really crappy and it wasn't all my fault, I was in an abusive relationship, and I needed to get out. The second step was filing for divorce. And the third step has been to get my own place.  It's been a challenge. I am so paranoid about money and never having enough I strongly considered living in a really crappy place and/or having roommate. But it finally came to me that for once in my life I need my own place, somewhere I can call home that I will look forward to going home to at the end of the day. I am so looking forward to moving into my new place. Yes, it's way out of my initial price range and it's really stretching my budget, but some how I am going to make it work.

Back to dating. I am finally done dating the undesirable population. For years I thought I had nothing to offer so I dated who ever looked my way.  I wasn't picky.   I've never been one to chance after a guy.  It has taken me forever to realize I am pretty. It's not that I thought I was the ugliest girl on the block, but I never realized that I was pretty to the people that mattered. I have never dated or tried to date the "hot" guy, because I never thought he'd give me the time of day.  It was kind of by my dumb luck that I found out a guy that I think is totally hot thinks the same about me.  It's been a real confidence builder. With this new confidence boost I'm going to keep my eyes out for more "hotties" and make my way their direction. It has also a confidence boast talking to a good friend of mine who finally told me that I did turn lots of heads in a singles group back in the day. If only I knew that then, I might of actually had more self-confidence and tried to make myself more available so just maybe one of the guys back then that I though was hot would of given me the time of day. Instead I shied away and hid behind friends not giving anyone a chance to ask me out.

On the same note of dating, I'm also going to go out of my way to choose friends that I like. I am going to go out of my way to make friends with those people of my choosing instead of just taking the leftovers. I am going to seek to spend time with those people that make me want to be and help me become a better person. People that I enjoy spending time with, have fun with and laugh a lot with. People I can also be spiritual with that can carry on deep meaningful conversations. I want to be friend with others that area also the full package or who are actively trying to get there.

I am going to spend more time doing what I enjoy. I'm not sure what that is, but I'll figure it out. I will try and explore new things and figure out what I enjoy doing in my spare time and in turn make more time to do those things. It's hard to believe but, I really don't know what I enjoy doing. I know what I used to enjoy doing and what I used to enjoy eating, but I continue to evolve and a lot of those things that I have done for years and enjoyed eating for years, I've realized that my tastes have changed. I used to hate spicy foods and now I love them. Well, maybe not too spicy, but food has to have some flavor. I still love cinnamon rolls, but those that they sell a the state fair and in the mall just aren't as good as I remember them.  I used to love home made whole wheat bread with honey on it, but for some reason it just doesn't do it for me anymore. I love ice cream, but only sometimes, I really have to be in the mood for it. I still love cherry pie, when it's good, not all cherry pie is good.  I enjoy being active, but not fond of being out at dusk because I get bitten by mosquitoes and hate putting on bug spray, on the other hand depending on the company and activity I just might join in.  I'm not a fan of water slides, but I love the lazy river. I've gone rollerblading a few times, but would love to do it on the trails more and see if I really enjoy it. I used to love dancing, but I went a few weeks ago and was frustrated. I used to love the west coast swing, I would love to take a refresher course and see if I still enjoy it. And there are still a ton of things that I've always wanted to do but have never tried or tried once or twice, but not sure if I like it such as: surfing, skateboarding, snowboarding, swimming in a warm waterfall, sky diving, riding a bull, four wheeling, race car driving, traveling to europe and other distant destinations, fencing, paint balling, shooting a gun, being a spy, working for the CIA, ice blocking, caving, biking (I can ride a bike, but never done much biking), etc.

I am done being gossiped about,  hated by those who are jealous of me, and hated by those who just need someone to hate, because something in their life just isn't right. I'm done being picked on being told to my face not nice things. I can't change what people say about me, but I can change my attitude and how it affects my life. I can stop holding everything in and speak up. I am not mute, I do have a voice and I need to learn to use it. I need to tell people how I feel about what they say and hopefully they will be nicer to me when they realize what they say hurts.  I can also be more forgiving and understanding.  And if I have to I am willing to move to get away from people that hate me so much. I have learned the hard way that there is no reason I have to continue to stand my ground and fight fire with fire. In the end we both loose and I am done losing the battle. In the future I will move to higher ground even if it means financial hardship. It isn't worth it to live next to the devil himself.

Let's see how long this wave of confidence last.  If you read back my old blog, I made a commitment to stop living my life by fear.  I was going good for awhile till  swallowed up by fear. I'm hoping this wave of confidence will push me into uncharted waters and give me the break I need to reclaim my life. I hope to continue to hold on to those horns of life and run faster then I ever have in the direction I choose.  My self-confidence comes and goes in waves, but for the most part since June I have been able to keep my head above water and have continued to see the ray of sunshine even though it on occasion it has been blocked by clouds.  Thank you to my good friends that have helped me along this journey and continue to help me.

The Full Package

After spending the morning canning chili I realized that I am the full package. Many may shy away from dating me because they find out I'm divorced and think I have way too much baggage. But, the truth is I have a lot less baggage now that I've been divorced twice. I have learned a lot of life lessons and made a lot of changes in my life since I was the naive 20 something girl. Even in the past year I have made a lot of changes in my life and I am continually evolving to becoming a better person.

I am the full package. God has given everything I need to succeed.

• I am totally gorgeous and all girl, but not afraid to get dirty.
• I have no children
• I am a great cook and know lots about nutrition and exercise and I'm very healthy, but don't push my lifestyle on others.
• I can unclog a toilet, gut a toilet, and if that doesn't solve the problem, install a whole new toilet.
• I can unclog a drain or the garbage disposal and I can swap it out and put in all new pipes.
• I have a green thumb, very knowledgeable about gardens, landscaping, and drip/sprinkler systems.
• I can set up a pond the size of a mini swimming pool.
• I know how to live a life beyond frugal.
• I know how to grind my own grain, make my own bread, and can my own food.
• I am very spontaneous and tons of fun. I will keep our love life exciting.
• I am adventurous and love to try new things and am also happy sitting at home doing nothing.
• I am very spiritual and am worthy to enter the temple and served a full time mission.
• I don't know it all but, I know where to find the answers.
• I know how to run and care for a house.
• I forgive those I love at the drop of a hat, which is one of my biggest assets and my biggest downfall.
• I am not afraid to admit I'm wrong and I also have a list a mile long of all my faults.
• I am very creative and good at maximizing space. 
• I am my own interior designer and if the walls are bare I can paint a picture.
• I am smart, I have a BS degree and have worked in Corporate America. I can be a business women if I need to, but I would also be willing to be a stay at home mom.
• I am very resourceful
• I am very knowledgeable on the computer and spend my days trouble shooting for my boss on the mac.
• I love trying new food and learning to cook new things. I love cooking and baking for someone that appreciates the hard work.
• I know how to sew and quilt and love making gifts for those I love.
• I love my family, but also love my space so you don't have to worry about that mother in law being over all the time.
• I am strong in my church, but also have my own opinions and ideas and love hearing new thoughts and ideas.
• I love discussing stuff and don't mind being proven wrong.
• I love to travel and love spending time at home.
• I am far from perfect, but I am perfect for someone. And that person is also far from perfect, but perfect for me.

After the storm there is a rainbow.

For the last few days it's felt like a dark cloud has been hovering over.  When it rains it pours and it feels like the whole world come crashing down on me. Thanks to some great friends and personal determination I can now say that the storm has resided and now I have been blessed with a rainbow.To tell you the truth, nothing has changed. Life is virtually the same. I've just changed my perspective.  

I recently prayed to God to increase my patience and he did just that. He provided me with opportunities for me to learn patience.  Not exactly what I hoped for when I said that prayer. I had hoped to be handed everything on a silver platter so I wouldn't have to use patience, but that is not how God works.

I'm sorry to say that under great amounts of stress I don't always say or do the right thing. I am really good at putting my foot in my mouth. I just don't operate very well in panic mode and seem to dig myself deeper into my crisis instead of pull myself out.  And boy did I dig a big hole for me this time. I am sorry to all those that I affected. 

I have to say thank you to my friends that work so hard to convince me that "everything happens for a reason" and there is nothing really to stress about. Thank you to the friends that tell me to look on the bright side of things and get me to laugh. I can't believe how much I was laughing, giggling and smiling the last 2 days as the _hit was hitting the fan.  Thank you all for that.

I have to say I love Joel Osteen. I was listening to his talk on Happiness today as I was cooking dinner.  He  reminded me that I am the only one who controls my own happiness. That is so true. And today I choose to be happy.

Get back on the saddle and try again.

I have been bucked off the saddle of life and love many times. There have been many times in my life I have laid on the ground and wallowed in my misery unwilling to get back up and try again.  I am done wallowing in my misery and have gotten back on the saddle. It’s not an easy task to stay on the saddle. For the most part I play it safe and keep my horse going at a leisurely walk.  Ensuring that I don’t get bucked off again.  On the other hand I am very spontaneous and some times I see the light and take my horse though the full obstacle course, jumping over the jumps and swishing pass the barrow course.  It is those times that my faith in life and love are renewed.

I am a strong believer in God. Even though I have never met God face to face. I firmly believe that he exists and he has a plan for me. He is a nice loving God that has given me all I need to not only muddle through life, but to achieve the unachievable.  I am far from perfect, but I am perfect for the life he has planned for me. I am well equipped to handle the challenge he will and has placed before me in this obstacle course called life.  This strong belief, that God has a plan for me and belief that during his creation of me he gave me all I need to succeed is life is why I go on living.  It’s not always easy for me to always remember this and sometimes it takes prodding from friends to get me back on track.  I still fall off my horse at times, but with the love of my friends I now get back on much more quickly.

I also have a strong belief in Love, it’s like my strong belief in God I’ve never seen it or held on to it, but I believe it exists.  I have been in and out of many relationships thinking this is what love is and I have been dead wrong. It’s tough to have one’s heart broken and crushed into a million pieces and it takes forever to mend a broken heart. Once one’s heart has been mended it isn’t easy to put it on the line again.  But, like my strong belief in God that keeps me going I also need to have faith that I will one day find true love. It also gives me something to look forward to and live for.

There is no "Free Lunch"

Economics fascinates me. I love the book Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Steven J. Dubner.  After reading this book I realize that everything in this world is give and take, including friendships, marriages, and dating.  I tried to explain this to someone once and I think I offended them.  They didn't want to face the reality that the world of dating is also give and take. If a girl is showered with gifts then she got them for services rendered. I'm not saying what those services are I'm just saying that he got just as much out of it as she did. And when they feel like they are giving more then they are getting then the relationship is over.  Those services can be both tangible and intangible. Tangible can be expensive gifts, trips, meals, physical time spent together and affections shared. Or it can be intangible such as a listening ear, great advice, moral support, or a good laugh.  This not only applies to dating relationships, but also friendships.  Friendships are also give and take. If one friend feels like they are giving more then they are receiving then the friendship gets strained and often the friends loose touch.

If you want a real life example, I was taking my boss home the other day and made the comment that I really need to wash my car. He dug in his wallet and pulled out a gift card for 3 car washes.  If it wasn't for him not driving anymore and me offering to give him a ride home he wouldn't of given me the gift card. So you see it's all give and take.

I do a lot of charity work. Some things I enjoy doing more then others and over the years I have realized that there are more charity opportunities then I have time for so I am more picky in the things I volunteer for. Now, I try to volunteer for things that I not only am going to get blessing in heaven for, but that I actually enjoy doing on this earth. 

Another real life example: I used to volunteer to help out at all the charity events Bank of America Sponsored. This past few years I have been more picky of what events I signed up for. I used to volunteer at Fairy tale town and work on the clean up crew. That was a lot of work and not much fun. This year I signed up for the first shift which yielded the same amount of service hours, but instead of clean up we did set up and then got to enjoy the event after we set it all up.  

A few years back I volunteered at the Ice Cream Safari at the local Zoo, an all you can eat ice cream event. My job was to carry around this really heavy hawker box filled with popsicles. It was very heavy and not so fun. The past two years I have worked at the same event, but this time I got to sit in the shade and check volunteers in. I worked twice as many hours, but it was a much more enjoyable experience and the all you can eat ice cream was a nice plus. I also opt out of the events that all we do is set up and don't get to enjoy the event. I did that for a couple of events and it was a lot of hard work for no tangible reward. So all in all I do the same amount of Charity work, get all the blessing in heaven and many earthly blessing too. It took years to learn, but I think I got it down now. There is nothing wrong with doing good for just heavenly blessing, but if I can have the best of both world's why not?!  I am finally unlearning the horrible trait I picked up from my Mom as being the Martyr. It's been tough to unlearn, but I think I've about got it.

What you see is what you get!

What you see is what you get. Some people like putting on a front, act one way around one group of people and act another way around others. Living a double life.  That is one thing that really turned off a couple of my friends about church going people. They act one way in church and totally different out.  I am the same in church as I am out of church to an extent. During church and church activities, I may curtail my conversations and what I wear to be church appropriate, but I don't put on this front and try to come off as this "Goody two Shoes" in church and I'm then this wild child when I'm out with my friends.  For those of you that don't know I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, also know as Mormons. I believe the church to be true on the other hand I have not been brain washed. I still think for myself and have my own ideas and beliefs. So don't judge my church by me or by any of it's members, we are all human and have our own philosophies. And we all make mistakes and that is why they invented repentance so we can make mistakes, be forgiven and change our lives. I have been in and out of the church much of my life, it's not that I have ever doubted the church it's just I get caught up in this and that and stop going.  It's like anything in life. Many of us know going to the gym and exercising is good for us, but we aren't always diligent in keeping it up.  That is how I am with church. 

Here is something really funny. Last year I took a pole dancing class and got the coolest platform heels for class. I thought nothing of them until my friend informed me they were called "_uck Me" shoes. I never thought I'd wear then to a church activity due to their wild nature. Then they announced we were having a Saturday Night Fever Dance and oh, my shoes were a perfect match for the decade.  I was styling.  My shoes finally got to see the light of day.  Still, you won't be seeing me wearing these hot shoes to church on Sunday because I just don't think they are the most appropriate church attire for this decade, but if I were living in the 70's these are the shoes I'd be wearing to church.  I don't live a double life, but I do keep somethings hidden in my closet, but don't we all.  If you ask me strait out about something I'll tell you how it is, on the other hand I'm not going to be pouring out more info the necessary.

Being an authentic person I like having friends that are also real.  I don't want friends that are afraid of sharing there opinion because it may be different then mine or afraid I will laugh at them, or just plain old not share any so called crazy ideas with me because they are afraid to be them. I want friends that will disagree with me and be able to debate with me and prove to me that they are right and I am wrong. Or we can agree to disagree, that is ok too. I want friends that live in the real world and not in this Utopia, thinking that the world is perfect and everyone is nice and honest. I want friends that I can laugh with and cry with. I want friends that I can joke around with and carry on a serious conversation with.

Being Single is Exhausting

I NEED more SLEEP!! To add to all the mental exhaustion of being single I am physically exhausted.  I seriously don't get enough sleep. I used to have the routine of going to bed at 9pm and getting up at 5:45am and going to the gym, but that lifestyle flew out the window when I became single.  When you're married or in a serious relationship, you learn that there is always tomorrow. That person you adore so much and spend every waking minute with will be there tomorrow. The conversion can be finished tomorrow, the activity can be carried on tomorrow.  But, when you're single you get this brain freeze and tomorrow doesn't seem to exist.   That friend that you love hanging out with may have a boyfriend/girlfriend tomorrow and won't have any time for you.  So what do you do? You stay up late hanging out till the wee hours of the morning to saver the time you have together. 

There has got to be some way around this crazy way of thinking because actually have a job. It's not like when I was a kid in school, all I had to do was show up and I could sleep through class. I need to keep my job and my boss isn't so happy when I am a space cadet.  There has to some thing in the girl or guy code book that says it's ok to turn in early for the sake of keeping one's employment.  

As kids many of us had curfews, which we despised our parents for, but now as adults I think I may need to start enforcing my own curfew so I can function at work.  It's crazy to think at this age I need a set bedtime, but something has to change.

Gossip

I never liked gossip, and was never one to gossip. I never realized how being in a singles group is the breeding ground for gossip.  We've got a friend who is in a running group and he is dealing with the most horrible rumors being spread about him about this girl. The poor guy is totally stressed out and is giving up running because of all the drama. I never realized I would be dealing with the same type of drama. I seriously thought it must be something he said or did or he was just being way too sensitive.  Now I see how it can be no fault of his own. Single people have way too much time on their hands to spectacle and gossip.  I realize now that I can't even talk to a person of the opposite sex with out others thinking I'm dating them.  Why can't we just all be friend. When I change my facebook status and state I am in a relationship with someone then you can talk all you want, because you heard it from the horses's mouth till then, let's see if we can all play nice.

I am so blessed.

My life is beyond stressful lately, at the same time I know that I am blessed beyond measure.

• I have my health
• I have a loving and supportive family that live close by.
• I have wonderful friends that love and are care me.  And even though most of them live far away they are always there when I need them. 
• I am slowly making local friends
• I have a job I enjoy and that I'm really good at and boss that thinks the world of me
• I found a great apartment in a safe neighborhood with parking.

God created me exactly how he wanted me to be. He gave me everthing I need to fulfil his will.  I have everything I need to fulfill my destiny. "I am fully loaded and totally equipped."

Seeking Direction

After leaving my last job as an Office Manager and Human Resources Assistant I’ve been trying to figure out what I should do as a career.  I honestly have no idea what I would be good at or would enjoy doing everyday for the rest of my life.  The first company I worked for after graduation from college with my BS Mass Mutual. I started there in 1999.  After about a year working in a satellite office, it closed and I was transferred to the city.  It was the time of the Dot Com Boom and the Recruiting Coordinator got in on the rise and suggested I take her position. I was given a big off, with a window right there on Market Street. That was always her dream, so just incase I ever had that dream I thought I’d better take it.  It really was a beautiful office.  I joined a ritzy gym a few floors down and I was living the life. I really loved my job. My favorite part was being the Licensing Coordinator for the GA and other agents. It was a bit overwhelming at first, but soon as I got a system in place I loved it.  Unfortunately the economy tanked and our division had to give up it’s grand office in the city on the financial district and moved to suburbs.   I worked there for a little bit, then things weren’t looking so good so I found another position closer to home. As it turns out a week or two after I left the GA disappeared. Friday he was there and Monday his office was empty and there was no sign of him.

I really wanted to find another position in a financial firm as the licensing coordinator, but all of those positions are on the other Coast in the division offices. I wasn’t ready to pick up and move across the county so I found another position doing something totally different.  I got hired on there and was all excited until I realized that the person I was working under wasn’t the person that hired me and I wasn’t going to be getting what I was originally promised.  So I left there after a day or two and signed up for a temp agency. There they found me a job at BISYS as the Office Manager and Human Resources Assistant. It was a temp job so I really didn’t care what I was doing.  They loved me and after a week wanted to hire me on direct. That is very unusual for a company, the usual let your temp contract run out so they don’t have to buy you out.  I was shocked and obsessed with security so I took the job even thought it wasn’t what I wanted to do. I stayed there two years till I realized they were closing the division and found another job.  I was dating my coworker at the time and went back a month later for the holiday party and the other employees were kind of upset at me for not telling them the division was closing. Right after I left the official announcement was made.   I was truly sorry I couldn’t tell them, due to my position in the company I really couldn’t tell them. 

I have bounced around from one company to the next not loving my job, but doing it because I had experience in it, I was good at it and I could get a job in that field.  If I could talk myself into it and boost my self confidence up I could probably get back into it, but I don’t think I’d be really happy in the field.  It’s a very lonely position. As the office manager you are a team of one. I’ve had the same experience with Human Resources.  From my experience the main Human Resources teams are on the other side of the country where office space is cheaper and here in this state they only have a single rep so you end up on a team of one.  Maybe if I worked for the State or County it would be different, but for private companies this is what I have found.

My mom suggested I go back to school, but I have no idea what I’d go back for and then when I got that degree what would I do.

So here I am stumped 8 years later as what I should do with the rest of my life.  This is when I kind of wish we had a family business and then I could just get into that.  Oh wait, my parents had a business and I said I’d never have my own business because they worked ungodly hours.  I was the only kid in college who went to bed before my parents. The good think is if I ever needed to talk I could call them at any hour and someone was always available to talk.  Those were some very un-fun times when everyone was so stressed about money and wasn’t sure if they would able to pay for my college or would I have to go home the next semester or year. I have to say it all worked out and I was very blessed to have my parents pay for my schooling so I’m not having to stress now about paying off my student loans.  I know I am a very lucky and blessed daughter in this aspect.

So do I go back into a job where I’m totally stressed out in all the time and really depressed or do I something else that I love and enjoy and will probably make less? And if I take option B, then what is it?  As for now I am keeping my current job where I don’t make very much at all. I think I actually qualify for those low-income programs for utilities and such, this is really sad. I never imagined being one of “those people” who lived paycheck to pay check. I’ve always been one of those other people who saved money and invested for their retirement.  This is the hardest adjustment for me of the divorce. You’d think it would be being alone, but that isn’t as hard for me as the lack of financial security. Being married we never lived the high life. We lived lives that were beyond frugal, my ex said I gave frugal another meaning.  But, we lived comfortable lives. We prioritized where we spent our money. We preferred to go on a short cruise each year and in turn we rarely ate out unless we had a gift card, we took lunch to work with us, we didn’t go to movies, we bought everything second hand (Clothing, furniture, etc), and we were geniuses when it came to getting things for free.

I’m finally making friends so I’m no longer ready to up and move across the county to get that job that I really loved working in the licensing department.   Several people have suggested that I take the State test and apply for a State job. Maybe I’ll do that.  I have thought about it, but have been too lazy and unmotivated to look into it.   Maybe that will be my next move.  The biggest thing that is stopping me is me. I just don’t feel confident that I can do anything.  As much as people tell me, I’m just not feeling it.  I know I’m not an idiot, I did graduate from a really good college with a pretty high GPA on my own.  Mom and Dad weren’t there to do the work for me so that should prove to me that I can do it.  I’ve also had several high paying jobs with some pretty big companies, which is a good sign. I have a pretty impressive resume, other then it’s kind of black for the past 8 years.  That is a really big gap. They always ask for your salary and I’m embarrassed to say how much I’ve been making the past two years with my current boss. 

There is just so much going on in my life right now. I am looking forward to moving and finally living on my own, no longer living in limbo. I am eagerly looking forward to closing one chapter in my life.  I sit by the mailbox every day waiting for the paperwork so I can get my name off the loan for our house and change the beneficiaries on my life insurance.   Even when a divorce is finalized by the court system, it really doesn’t cut all ties there is so much paperwork that needs to be completed.  At least there are no kids, so that bond will eventually be broken, it just takes time and since I lack patience it’s very frustration.  I feel like a little kid on a car ride “Are we there yet?”

Then once I get there, then what?  I still need to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.  In some countries they have arranged marriages, I kind of wish they had arranged career choices.  Wouldn’t it be nice if I could just take a test, figure out what I’d be good at and that would be it.  They do have those test, but they just don’t seem to work for me. Last time I took one they said I’d make a great maid. I think not.

Money

As much as we hate to admit it our world evolves around money.  My current job was fine when all I needed to do was to make a little extra spending money, but now that I need to support myself I'm not sure if my job's going to cut it.  I left Corporate America about 7 years ago when I got married. My boss hated me, I was hired by the previous boss and when the company reorganized my new boss's division closed and it was either come to our office or get laid off. He choose to keep his job and hated it and made everyone's life miserable. Once I got married I was able to get on my husband's benefits, we moved out of the area and I found a less stressful do nothing job. I was totally burnt out of Corporate America and working as an Office Manager and Human Resources Assistant. I was an admin for a few months till they laid me off due to budget cuts and have been bumbling around ever since.

I tried selling all sorts of stuff on e-bay and then I tried my hand in the local art scene.   Late one night surfing Craigslist I found an ad for an art model. All you had to do was sit for 3 hours while students drew you.  It seemed easy enough so I applied. I got the job and was really good at it and would model for several groups a week. I did that for about 6 years till it wasn't very fun any more. Art groups came and went and the really fun artists moved onto different things.  During that time I also became a painter. And painted and sold pop art of dogs and cats. My claim to fame was I showed in a downtown gallery and was part of the big Museums' Annual Art's & Craft fair for two years.  I had no real love for painting like some people I met, I just did it for the money.  I met my current boss when I was a model and used to model for his Wednesday night drawing sessions.  I was helping him run his studio for awhile and doing his art blog and personal website. Last year he lost interest in painting and got really into family history.

For the past year I have been helping out with his daily family blog and trying to keep all the pictures organized, and doing some dictation for him of his interviews with his family.  He keeps me pretty busy, but I don't make near as much as I did when I was in Corporate America and I don't have health benefits.    In the divorce agreement my ex agreed to pay my health benefits till the end of the year, then I'm on my own.   After signing a lease for an apartment that is way over my budget, I'm having second thoughts about keeping my job. I'm thinking that it would be a good idea to get back into the profession I went to school for and use the degree I worked so hard to get. In doing so quadruple my wages and get health benefits.  The problem is I'm not sure if I can hack it in Corporate America. I have been out of the field for so long that I've got no confidence that I could do the job if I even got it.  I had a horrible time in my field. I am way too nice and I look too young that I got walked all over. No one respected me and it was an emotional roller coaster for me. I'm not sure if I could do it again.  It was awful.  I remember the last girl who's place I took told me that I needed to put my foot down and be a bitch or they'd walk all over me. I now realize that I should of heeded her advice because they did just that, walk all over me and make my life a living hell. I don't look forward to that at all.

I love what I do, the flexibility of my job and my boss, but money is an issue.

So what do I do? Where is that rich dead Aunt when I need her?

The Joke is on YOU.

My ex and I still use the same Google Calendars. It works out great so we can coordinate who watches the dogs and when we can have people over when the other isn't around.

Would you find this event funny? "Go with Kelly to get Birth Control."  He isn't Mr. Smart so there is a 50/50 chance of him being serious. This is the same guy, that while we were married, carried a strip of pics of him and another girl in his wallet.

I figured I couldn't let his joke go unnoticed so I asked him that night "How's Kelly?"  He then proceeded to tell me it was a joke. And I proceeded to tell him with a straight face that I had no idea it was a joke and I was happy for him and Kelly.  I was happy to see him happy and actually having sex(if you've been keeping up with my blog you'd know that he has denied me sex or any affection for years). I kind of figured it was a joke, but hoped it wasn't for the fact that it would of proved to me that he actually liked girls.

Opps! I don't think his joke went as planned as he politely excused himself and left for the store a bit upset.

My dad is very sarcastic and I learned early on how hold my own. I know sarcasm isn't a good trait so I've been working hard to not be so cynical and sarcastic, it's a work in progress. So just be warned if you try to play games with me, I can more then likely beat you at your own game or at least give you a run for your money. I may be a church going girl but I'm not young, stupid, and naive. I can hold my own, most of the time. But like anyone I can only take so much and put on a happy face for so long. So those people who are forever mean to me I do my best to avoid.  On there hand there are those mean people you can't avoid. There is this women who works in the same building as me who has been harassing me for the past year. My boss owns the building I work in so we have an office there, but I don't have any co-workers. So I have no real connection to this women other then she works down the hall from me.  She's not my boss so she's not paying me to put up with her crap.  For a year I've been very nice polite and kept my mouth shut. I have even talked to my boss about her and he has even talked to her, but she just won't shut up.  Then last week I finally couldn't take it any longer. I told her to her face as politely as possible with out yelling that I have had enough of her rude comments.  And my boss was there to witness the whole thing.  So far so good, she has stayed clear of me.  Hope this lasts. My boss did ask me the other day if we need to find a new office. He is so sweet. He totally loves me and can't live with out me.  I told him so far so good she hasn't harassed me since. 

I love playing board games and card games and I can get pretty completive at times.  In college we were know as the card playing queens.  On the other hand I do not like mind games. I am a very honest and upfront person and tell it how I see it.  I am also very good at changing and avoiding subjects. I probably should heed my friend's advice of not showing all my cards, but I figure I'm too old to play games, which gets me in trouble sometimes.  (I'm learning that sometimes too much information isn't good either. I seem to overwhelm some people and make them feel uncomfortable.) On the other hand if you play me then "Game on." 

I am much better at dishing it out then receiving it.  That is another reason I am working on being less sarcastic. I just don't take joking well. I try to put on a good front, but a lot of times what people says hurts and isn't so funny. 

Another lesson I learned in early on is if you "Talk the talk, then you must be willing to walk the walk." With this being said, I try not to joke around about things that I'm not serious about. This really catches people off guard because they don't know if I'm joking or telling the truth.  Which is kind of funny.

What to do?

I'm back to being a swinging single. Now what? What do single people do these days?  I'm part of a singles church group so there are lots of planned activities to join in on. But, what do we do when there aren't any planned activities.  Do single people these days go out on dates? Or do we just do things as a group. What if we can't find a group to hang out with? And what constitutes a date anyway?

A friend told me the other day that he's lousy at coming up with date ideas, but what are dates really? How are they any different then what you'd do with your friends?.

Here are just a few suggestions of fun things to do with a friend or a date:

Physical activities such as: Rollerblading, Bike Riding, Hiking, bowling, golfing, tennis, fly a kite, go to the park, take a nature walk, go to the beach, go caving, ice blocking, etc.  Learn a new sport together such as cricket or lawn bowling.

Food: Cooking a meal together or for the other person. Learn to cook a new dish either from a book or cooking show. Take a cooking class together.

Dancing: Go to a club, take dance lessons together, go to a dance.

Live Entertainment: Go to a play, musical, comedian, or watch a band. Go to a sporting event.

Chores: Do your chores together, such as washing your cars(my car is in desperate need of a bath, any takers?!), painting a room, gardening, walking the dog, give the dog a bath, etc.  It's always more fun to do these things with someone.

Service: Help out at a soup kitchen, do a charity walk, visit the elderly, watch your friends kids so they can have a night out.

Family: Visit your families, spend time with the grandparents, take your nieces and nephews to the zoo or park, hang out with your siblings, have a bbq, have a game night.

Festivals and Seasonal Events: Look in the entertainment section of the news paper or News and Review(in print or online) and see what is going on in the area.  Go ice skating in the winter when the freeze a street downtown, go to the corn mazes in the fall, dress up and attend the Dicken's Fair in the Winter.  Not many people read the newspapers anymore, but they are great resource of things to do around town.

Explore: Learn about the historic landmarks in your area. Visit local monuments.  Be a tourist for a day. Go to the visitor's center of your city or a local town and see what there is to do.

Hobby: Learn a new hobby together. Learn how to whittle or play an instrument. Make something or build something. I had fun one year building the ball drop for New Years Eve Dance.  Take a class together, read a book, learn something new off the Internet or teach the other how to do something you are good at.

If you have some other great ideas please leave comments.

Discovering Me.

A friend asked me the other day what my interests are and to be honest I really have no idea.  I have been depressed for so long that I really don't know what I enjoy doing anymore. For years I have been doing the fake it till you make it, pretending like I've been having fun when I really haven't been. Doing that for so long I totally lost myself. So for the last year since I was able to escape the blanket of depression I've been trying to figure out what I enjoy doing.

I know what I used to enjoy doing. I used to love dancing, especially ballroom and swing dancing. This past friday I went swing dancing and didn't have as much fun as I remember having. I was also very frustrated that I didn't know the dance. The first hour was a lesson which was kind of fun, till it was over and I realized I couldn't remember a thing.  I just remember in college I was in the swing club and loved swing dancing and country dancing. Even after college I used to go to a swing club and loved doing the west coast swing.  Maybe I would of had more fun if I wasn't so tired.  Or maybe I'll have more fun if I do it more often and can remember the moves. Or maybe I just don't enjoy swing dancing as much as I used to.  

I also used to love going dancing.  I think I stopped enjoying going dancing when I became so self conscious of myself and was stuck with a really lousy dance partner for many years that made me even more self conscious. And it could be because I hated getting stepped on.  I have to say I went to a 70's dance party the other night and had lots of fun. So maybe I do enjoy going dancing.

As a kid I used to love going fishing with my mom. I haven't done it in years so I don't know if I'd enjoy it. Being a kid it was fun, mom or grandpa would bait the hook and remove the fish for me. If I went now I'd have to do it myself so I'm not sure it would be much fun.

As a kid I used to enjoy bowling. As an adult I joined a bowling team with my husband and hated it because he got so angry because he wasn't good. My maternal grandmother was an avid bowler and for the last couple of years of her life I was one of her primary care givers and I would take her to her bowling league  each week. She loved it. The group she bowled with was really nice. Maybe if I tried it with my ex out of the picture I'd enjoy it. I even have my own bowling shoes. I really should give it try again.

A year or two ago I got roller blades and enjoyed skating around the local trails. I'm not very good and very scared of falling down, but I still find it fun. At least I think I do. I haven't done it for a year.

I do enjoy blogging and journaling. It's good therapy for me to get my thoughts out so they don't continue to mull around in my mind and drive me crazy.

For the past 8 years I have done a lot of gardening. I kind of enjoy it. I'm pretty good at it along with installing the drip system and redoing the sprinkler system. When it worked right I enjoyed the challenge.

I like building stuff when it turns out right. I built a mini deck and doggy area for my dogs and that was fun. I also built a giant arbor and that was a fun challenge.

I enjoy quilting when it turns out like I want it to. I have very little patience sometimes and just want it done. Quilting is a very precise activity so I'm not very good at it in my opinion. For those that don't quilt my quilts look amazing. I guess I'm just too much of a perfectionist.

I used to enjoy scrap booking. Now it just seems to be so expensive and take so much effort. Plus that would involve taking and printing pictures. Over the past few years I have taken less and less pictures. And I have printed far less then I have taken. With the invention of blogs I find it easier to share my pictures on a blog then to print them out.

Sometimes I enjoy cooking and baking. Or shall I say I love fresh homemade bread and cinnamon rolls so I make them.  I'm not sure if I really enjoy making them as much as I enjoy eating them.  Cooking can be fun too, especially when you do it with friends or when you are watching a good show or movie on TV. Since I haven't been in the mood to eat anything lately I haven't been in the mood to cook much.  I've survived on PB&J for the last week.  It's weird I used to cook a lot and lately I just haven't been interested. 

I used to make jewelry, but I don't think I every really enjoyed it. I just did it as business. Same with painting. I used paint and show in galleries and art shows, but I did it more for the money then for the love of painting.

I have watched a lot of movies and tv lately due to I've been so stressed. Movies are great for sucking me out of this world so I don't stress so much. My life has been an emotional rollercoaster lately and zoing out has been all I've had energy for.

I used to love doing charity runs, like the Bay to Breakers or Beach to Beach with my girlfriend. What I loved about it was it gave us an excuse to spend the day together in the city and hang out and talk. Neither of us were big runners. We'd jog a little, but mostly just walk the course.  Afterwards we'd hang out in the City. I miss those days.

I used to love going boogie boarding, that was till I had to wear glasses, then it wasn't so fun. When I was a kid I was totally in to it. One year my parents and I drove to the beach every weekend and boogie boarded together. I haven't done it in year. I might really love it still.

I love playing board and card games. I used to love playing risk and even own the game, but haven't played it in years. I don't even remember how to play. I don't like trivia pursuit or name that tune, tv show, movie or celebrity because I can't answer any of the questions.

I used to be totally into body building and working out. I even had personal trainer who was a professional body builder. For years I used to spend a few hours at the gym everyday. Now I've gotten lazy and have resorted to just using the stair stepper, I'm trying to get back to the gym. I don't think I'll be as addicted to weightlifting as I was before, but a little would be good for me. Maybe I'll even dig out my weigh belt and work my way up to lifting some heavier stuff.  I'm not sure if that will happen though, then I'd need to find a spotter and that's tough.  It was good when I was living at home after college, my dad and I went to the same gym and he would spot me.

I don't even know what kind of music I really enjoy listening to now. I used to love 80's music such as Erasure, Pet Shop Boys, The Cranberries, Madonna, etc.  A few years back I discovered the Dresden Dolls, but they broke up. I was so sad. I loved them.  In two weeks I'm going to see They Might Be Giants. I used to love them, I'll let you know after the show if I still like them.  In my radio I flip between 4 stations Current Music (with out rap), Country, Christian Rock, and another station. I'm not sure what kind, but today I heard Guns & Roses, Sweet Child of Mine. I love that song.. I would flip through more, but I've been too lazy to find some other stations. I do know that I'm not a Rap or Heavy Metal fan.

I love going to work on Monday's and chatting with Diane. She comes down most Monday's to paint with my boss and I love chatting with her.

I enjoy studying the bible and cross referencing all the scriptures to learn more.  I love doing research.

I like going places and doing stuff.  I enjoy checking out the News & Review or Entertainment section of the newspaper and checking out the free events.

I attend lots of plays since my boss owns the building the playhouse rents out and I get free tickets. I do enjoy attending good plays and musicals.  Live entertainment is fun, but expensive. I'm not much into orchestra or watching choirs.  I like going to interactive museums, but not really into ones that require lots of reading.  I love pop art and enjoy seeing exhibits of Andy Warhol. I find him fascination.

Since a kid I've always loved watching skateboarders and BMX freestyle. I would love to try both out, but I'm scared.  I'm not big into documentaries, but loved the one I saw on the evolution of freestyle skateboarding I think it was the Tommy Hawks documentary. 

I really want to try sky diving.  Sounds scary and exciting at the same time.  It's on my to do soon list. 

I don't enjoy roller coasters or watersides, but love the lazy river.  When I go to Disneyland the Small World is kind of slow, but I love the ride Buzz Lightyear. I think I went on it half a dozen times the last time I was there. Everyone else was riding space mountain and instead of just waiting around I kept going back on Buzz Lightyear.

I love researching stuff out for my boss on the computer. I love the challenges he gives me.  I've had fun doing his genealogy and finding people.  I also have had fun digging through facebook for him and letting him know what his family is up to.

I remember flying a kite a while back and that was fun. 

I love exploring the city and just walking around checking stuff out. I enjoy trying new foods as long as it isn't slimy or contain fish.  Sorry, not a bit seafood fan. If you can't taste or tell it's fish I'll try it, but  would rather not. On the other hand I had Pesto Tilapia tonight for dinner and loved it. There are very thing and don't look fish like. They sell it at Costco frozen and all you have to do is pot it in the oven. As long as you cook it long enought it doens't taste fishy.

I like playing foosball.  I didn't grow up playing video games so I don't have a total love for it. But I have gone over to a few friend lately and they have been fun to play. Very addiction so I'm glad I don't play them at home. I wouldn't get anything done.

I enjoy spending time with distant cousins. They are lots of fun and filled with good stories and we laugh a lot when we're together.

Lately I've had lots of fun hanging out with friends doing what ever, talking and laughing.  My favorite activity of all times is doing goofy stuff and laughing so hard I cry. It really doesn't matter what we do. I remember when I used to live in the bay area. I was part of this singles group and to be honest I have no idea what we used to do for fun.  I just recall that until we showed up the party didn't begin. Not everyone liked us we were a loud obnoxious group. We talked loudly and laughed a lot. 

Facebook has changed the world for Singles.

Life has many twists in turns in it and once again I am single. So much has changed since I was single. With the invention of facebook, everyone knows what everyone else is doing these days. I have been  surprised a few times when people have known where I've gone and with whom and I know I never told them.  Facebook is also a place to find out who everyone is dating. Which can be good or bad.  Instead of asking one's friend if someone is single or their interests you can now look at their facebook page and check out there status and interests. For those single folks, facebook is a dating profile.  It's cool or scary about how much you can learn about a person without even meeting them or talking to them.

By the pictures you post on your facebook page can let people know your interests. Show off that you are  or aren't family oriented and for girls possibly baby hungry.  Also if you have kids or not. Whether or not you are a social person and who you spend all your time with.  By the pictures you post, no matter what your dating status is you may be showing it off. Posting of certain pictures can also manipulate one's status and start rumors. You may go out with friends and take pictures together and post them to show off the good time you've had. And they can be interpreted as you have a new boyfriend or girlfriend.  If one person in a friendship wanted to  manipulate the masses they could post pictures of the two of you together to ward off other potential suiters.  Others will see the pictures of the two of you together and think you are a couple even thought you really aren't. This will help the person who wants you to be a couple to keep others away, but will hurt you from being able to date.

As one gets more life experience one learns that not everyone tells the truth all the time. This carries over to the world of facebook. Some people fill their facebook pages of old pictures of themselves or pictures that aren't even them to increase their dating pool.  Some may even lie about their age or interest to entice others to become their friends. For me I don't play these games. The pictures posted are really me. On the other had I deleted most of my interests because I was tired of getting all these updates on my newsfeed. I haven't figured out how to post one's interests with out been flooded by spam.

Home Sweet Home, Maybe.

I think I may of found a new home.  It's still up in the air. I checked it out yesterday and it seems really nice. It is newer then any of the places I have viewed, doesn't have a weird smell, it's a full 1 bedroom apartment, separate bedroom, kitchen, living room, and my own laundry room. The landlord wasn't creepy, guaranteed parking, and it has a cat door out to the back deck, the perfect size for Belle. It's not in a complex so I don't have a ton of weird neighbors and I won't be annoyed with loud neighbors or their cockroaches creeping into my apt, or their apt flooding mine.

Below is the Craigslist ad I found:

This charming one-bedroom flat has its own kitchen, bath and living room, private front and rear entrances, a nice-sized rear deck and a separate laundry/storage room with washer and dryer included. A personal parking space is dedicated to this unit, with room for guest parking as well. Situated atop the garage attached to the main house, this clean, comfortable flat offers privacy and a sense of personal space an apartment can't match. Non-smoking unit, utilities not included. Main house occupied by landlord. 

I think I want it, but I haven't been approved for it, he's going to call my references this week and thus I  haven't signed a lease. I'm hoping you can help me decide.  

It's not in the most of ideal locations. I had hoped to find something in walking distance to work. Everything I looked at downtown that was close to my price range was very old and didn't provide any parking.  This place is 8.8 mi from my work and according to google maps and the landlord who also works downtown it takes approx. 23 min to get to work.  Which is 10 miles closer then where I live right now.  The down side is it isn't near the freeway.  It's also not in the boundaries of the church group I had hoped to be in.

It's also more expensive then I had hoped to pay. On the other hand it is reasonable priced for the area.  To find my own place at the price I wanted to pay I would of had to live in the ghetto. On the other hand I could of opted for roommates, but so far I haven't met anyone I really mesh with that is looking for a roommate. I also haven't taken the time to really get to know those that are looking for roommates. It's hard to see if figure out if you mesh well with a person. It's kind of like dating, you need to spend a lot of time together to see if you get along and even if you do, you don't really know how well you'd get along living together. Having roommates could be a good thing for me, especially since I don't have a ton of friends. A point against having roommates is my service dog, I worked so hard to train her that I would hate all my training to go to waste by living with someone else and they train her or she trains them. This way with out roommates I have more control over her and that is important to me, to me she a 100% working dog and not a pet. I depend on her to work for her keep, if she's not working then she's going to be having to look for  new home, I'm just not a dog/pet person. The good thing about not being in a complex is there aren't other sounds or dogs to set her off barking. She is quiet when she is out and about with me working, but when she's home, she's picked up on how to be a dog.  As much as I work with her while at home she reverts to her inbred dog mode, unless I stand over her.  She is the main reason for  why I think I'd be better off without roommates. I need to reduce stress in my life not create it.

Double Standard

Why is there such a double standard when it comes to dating edict?  Why is ok to be a "Playboy" but if a girl acts the same way she is a slut?  Why is it ok for guys to talk and fantasize about sex, but it's not ok for girls?  Why is ok for guys to make out with several girls, but it's not ok for girls to do the same?  Why is it so shocking to guys that girls also have raging hormones and we also enjoy kissing and the such? This is in no way an invitation to any of you guys out there, I'm just making an observation. I do believe that things have slowly evolved since the Victorian era and girls are getting more outspoken and getting more in on the action.

And by the way Guys, if you were wondering why you haven't been getting any action from us girls lately it might be because you need to shave. I'm not saying we don't like the scruffy look. At times we find it very sexy when we observe you from a far. Movie stars and singers have been trendsetters for ages and make scruffy look sexy, but you need to remember it's just part of there costume. When they go home they take it off before they too get any action from their wives or girlfriends. I'm also not saying that you have to be clean shaven either. Beards and goatees can be very sexy. What I am saying is the sandpaper faces around the beards and goatees isn't very fun to kiss. If you don't get it try rubbing sandpaper on a part of your body that is sensitive and isn't covered with hair.  How does it feel?  If you enjoyed it well then good for you. For us girls we have sensitive skin and for us it's not very pleasant, and it really tears us the skin.  We work very hard to look pretty and have a clear complexion so we avoid anything that might damage our hard work.

Also if you are a big flirt with no follow through this may be another reason why you don't get many dates or have a girlfriend. To my amazement 10+ years later I found out from my friend that lots of guys liked me when I was attending the church singles group back in the day. I had no idea. I thought I was a total leper or something. It's not that I didn't date at all, but I had very few dates and ended up looking for dates elsewhere because no one seem interested. I was in total shock when my friend told me that several guys liked me. How come they never came forward and asked me out?  He said that due to me hanging out with my two guy friends that they thought I was dating one of the two of them. Guys you need to try a little harder and stop assuming things. You know what happens when you assume... I  never dated the two main guys I hung out with. I loved them, they were great friends, but there was never any love interest. The reason we all hung out together was we had so much fun together. Life with them was a laugh a minute. I choose my friends first by who is nice to me, includes me in their group and invites me to hang out with them. In the beginning of friend choosing I'm not very picky, if you smile at me and talk to me I'm your instant friend. I will stay your friend if you make me laugh, don't make fun of me, tease me and continue to be nice to me.  It doesn't matter if we have common interests, as long as we have fun together and there is lots of laughing and talking going on.  And the same goes for dating. I will go on a date with anyone that doesn't totally creep me out and that I know.  I'm not a blind date kind of gal so if you meet me out and about on the street or even in church I probably won't give you my number unless I can get a good recommendation from a friend on you.  I heard the other day some guy saying that girls at church freely give out their numbers, well some may, but I'm not one of them.  And if you want to be my friend on facebook, then you've got to prove yourself as not being judgmental and openminded, because it is there you will be linked to this blog.  I have no problem sharing my life with the world if it will help them out, but for you to know who I am is another story.  If you haven't noticed I don't identify who I am on this blog or where I live. You will only know me if I let you in.  I'm also not a touchy feely person so if you are all over me, then you really creep me out.  Even among family members I'm not a huggy person. I do hug and kiss my parents, but that is different. They are mom and dad. I like my space. On the other hand I do hug some people, they are always the iniaters. And there are those people who I get a good vibe off of that are my good friends that I am physically close to, but for the most part I like my personal space and I feel very uncomfortable if you invade it. So if I go out of my way to avoid you it may be because you crossed the line.

Happily Ever After

I finally figured out why my life isn't following my play of happily ever after. The other day my friend   said "There is no happily ever after on earth and anyone who says there is is lying. Earth is about trying every day to make a positive impact and then you get to heaven where the "Happily Ever After" is.

This is so true. The amazing part of about this friend is he isn't of the same religious faith as me. At the same time we agree on so many of the same principles. I couldn't ask for a better friend to set me straight on so many of my religious beliefs. He seems to know my religion better then me at times and is always making sure I stay on the straight and narrow path. Even in high school he was the one to get me back on track when I strayed off the path.

It is not always easy to remember why we were sent her to earth.  And what our purpose in life is. Deep down I truly believe we were sent here on earth to get bodies and learn.  This isn't always easy to remember. Lately I've been feeling quite down and my eternal vision has gotten clouded over.  Due to feeling miserable due to my allergies, I feel stressed because I know I need to find a place to live and get on with my life and get out of this state of limbo. When I am able to get my head above the clouds and am able to see things from an eternal perspective I realize that I am fulfilling God's purpose for me everyday. In reality I was a success to him the day I was born. I got my body and I am constantly learning.  My schooling has far exceeded learning the ABC's, I  have become a eternal member of the school of hard knocks.  I wish I could be their star pupil and graduate, but I seem to doing a lot of repeating of classes. One day, when it is my time I will graduate and get to my happily ever after. Till then I need to make sure I spend my time wisely since I only have one chance here on earth to learn all I need to do before I am whisked off to spend the eternities in heaven. It's hard to imagine God's clock being so different from ours. For him our time here on earth is but a blink of an eye and our time in heaven will be.

Now if only I can keep this eternal perspective of life and not get sucked up into the daily rat race.   Which is constantly clouding my mind and putting thoughts of doubt and fear into my mind.  Please pray for me and with me luck. I can use all the luck I can get.

Intimacy is not just sex.

Growing up in a strict religion when it comes to physical intimacy, one really looks forward to getting married so one can be physically intimate with out feeling guilty.  Physical intimacy is something you expect when you get married and after watching TV and movies you expect it to really rock your world. As I have found out that isn't always the case. Like everything it takes works and I've never had a partner that is willing or interested in taking the time to work at it with me.  I am not saying that I've never had sex, because that would be a lie, but I've never had earth shattering sex, like they proclaim it be in the movies.  I still have high hopes for the future.  A girl has to have something to look forward to.  (Don't worry, this post isn't all about sex. Physical intimacy is only one aspect of intimacy. Intimacy as defined by Wikipedia is: ".. generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.")

As I was told by my best friend yesterday "you do the best you can at the time." 

When I was at BYU my 2nd semester all my roommates were moving out and I was scared to get new roommates to I married my friend so we could be roommates.  Needless to say it was a very bad move. He made a great girlfriend, that is the type of relationship we had, he was a boy, but the friendship we had was as if he was a girl. And as it turns out he is now a girl, which is no real surprise. Being conservative and religious we didn't talk about sex before we were married. I thought it odd that he was annually strict when it came to any physically intimacy before marriage. He wouldn't even kiss me. That should of tipped me off, but I figured he was just trying to be this "pillar of virtue" so I didn't think twice about it and figured it would change after marriage. Boy was I wrong. I had no idea how much he despised being a boy and the boy parts that came with it. Yea, if things were perfect in every other area I probably could of lived with out sexual intimacy. But when he hit me less then week after we were married and then stop talking to me I was left with no type of intimacy.  I felt more alone, scared, and isolated married to him then when I was single. To add to it I knew I had made the wrong decision and I was embarrassed and ashamed so I cut myself from all my friends and family and it wasn't till recently have I even revealed how he treated me. When I left him all I said was it just didn't work out. I was too ashamed to tell the truth.

After the divorce was final I continued to be active in the church with high hopes of marrying a "real man" that would fulfill my desires to be intimate both physically and emotionally. As you know I married again and once again struck out.

For a person married twice you'd think I would of had a ton of experience with physical intimacy, but that is not the case. I did more kissing and cuddling in high school as a horny teenage then I have had in the last 7 years of marriage or any of my dating years after high school. Maybe it is because I went to church schools and dated other members of my religious faith. Or it could of be  became more religious and wasn't handing out kisses freely.  I do remember dating one guy after college who loved to make out with no strings attached and I just wasn't into that. I told him if he didn't want to be exclusive with me then I wasn't going to be kissing him so we stopped dating.

So, prior to marriage #2 I figured that I didn't want to marry this "pillar of virtue," because I was afraid like last time it was just a coverup for a man who doesn't want to every be intimate so I did the "try it before you buy it" theory. I figured if he was interested and able to perform before we got married he'd continue to be interested after marriage.  In theory it should of worked, but once again my great logics backfired.  I just don't get it. I am totally dumbfounded how I found two males that are so not typical in the male sex department. I thought that all men are sex crazed, apparently I was wrong. I am not a total nypho, I don't require it 3 times a day. Truth be told due to trying to keep to my strict religious values, I have little experience in the sex department so I had hoped that after getting married I would get lots of practice so it would be earth shattering like they proclaim it to be in the movies. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.  I feel like Grace in the TV series Will & Grace.  Like her I feel confident that I did all I could to get his attention, and it just wasn't me.  I'm not saying my ex exactly is gay, but it just wasn't me.  If we never were married he would make a fantastic roommate.  Rooming with your ex is kind of awkward anyway you look at it, even if it ended well. 

I am at a total loss as to what to do to ensure husband #3 is interested in women and sex. I'm not saying that my next marriage is going to built around just sex. If you read my last post I am searching for my kindered spirt, to be my eternal companion.  In finding my kindred spirit it will ensure that we have intimacy on a non physical level, which is very important to me, probably equal or more important then physical intimacy.  And I've got to be physically attracted to him. Husband #3 is going to be the whole package.  My best friend, my kindred spirt, a sexy hot hunk that is totally smitten by my beauty and wants to make hot passionate love to me,  a good kisser, loves snuggling with me, makes me laugh, is my protector, and doesn't abuse me physically or emotionally.  I want it all. And I finally believe that I deserve it.  I am not the person I was in high school, college, when I married my first or second husbands. I have gone to tons of therapy, taken lots of classes, read my share of self books and changed "me." I am far from perfect, but I am better then I was. I am constantly growing and changing. My ideas and thought and ways of thinking are constantly evolving. So if my friend is right, "you do the best you can at the time." I am going to do much better this time.

And by the way. I am in no hurry or even searching for husband #3. But, I  think about these things. As for right now I'm doing my best to enjoy the grass right here where I'm planted, knowing full well that it isn't greener on the other side. So if you are male and want to be my friend, great, but if you're hoping to rank up to boyfriend status or carry me across the alter any time soon I'm sorry to say, you will have the wrong girl. This girl is just looking to have fun and enjoy being single while it lasts.  On the other hand if I happened to stumble across my kindred sprit thing could change. I'm a girl and we have the right to change our minds at the drop of a hat. What can I say, I love being a girl sometimes and I'm all girl.