Affection

One would think since I was married I would be comfortable receiving physical affection. I haven’t talked to any divorced people about this but I would bet that with any failed marriage there wasn’t a lot of affection shared in that marriage especially near the end.  I just can’t imagine a very loving affectionate couple just splitting up. Most marriages that end in divorce deteriorate over time and one of the main things to go is physical affection. If there is no emotional and spiritual closeness then there is a good possibility they won’t want to be physically close either.  For me it was years since I shared physical affection with my ex-husband.  I used to be a very cuddly person, but he trained me to sleep on my side of the bed. For years he’d complain he was too hot and would push me away till I learned to not even try and to cling to my side of the bed.  I can’t recall the last time we cuddled up to watch a movie together or made out.  (We must of when we were first dating, but I honesty can’t recall the last time we did.)   It wasn’t because I didn’t try; he just didn’t want to be close to me. 

The only time he would show affection was in public when we were with friends. (Actually it wasn’t affection because if you look in the dictionary affection is an outward expression of love and caring for someone. I know everyone has their own love language, but it’s hard to imagine his actions had any love in them.) He’d grope me in front of our friends. It was embarrassing to me and our friends.   I talked to my girlfriend and she was shocked to hear that what she witnessed was all for show. When we were alone he didn’t act like that at all. He rarely touched me when we were alone. And when he touched me he would usually poke me like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. I hated it and told him so, but he didn’t care. It doesn’t matter how many times I protested he continued.  It got so bad that when ever he touched me in any way I would flinch.   Over time I blocked out of my mind the cause of my flinching and for years had no idea why I was flinching. I seriously thought there was something wrong with me.

Being single and feeing awkward receiving affection is a Catch-22.  Some guys probably think I don’t like them because I don’t like being close and tend to pull away.  Coming out of an abusive relationship tends to make people kind of jumpy and skeptical of people’s intentions. I’m not saying I will never feel comfortable receiving affection, all I’m saying is it will take time.  To add to it one day I may appear comfortable as I try to be comfortable, but in reality I’m not comfortable at all, but trying to work at being comfortable. “I’m not comfortable, but don’t know how to say something because I’m afraid to hurt someone’s feelings.” I know that really doesn’t make sense. All I can say is it’s complicated.