My mind is going a million miles a minute

I've got so much on my mind:

I can't believe it I leave for Bali in 10 days. I'm so excited and nervous. I've been scrambling to get everything ready.  I still have a few things that I can think of that I need to get. I'm really concerned about being too hot.  I'm also trying to contact members of my church over there hoping that someone knows someone that would like to give me a tour for the 10 days after my tour ends. If not that's ok too. I won't be alone for those 10 days there are 5 of us staying on, but I thought it would be nice to get a tour from a local.

I'm also a little concerned about the cell phone coverage. According to Verizon there is coverage in Bali, but what do people in the USA call center really know. 

Since Friday Belle has been making puking sounds but not actually puking. This isn't making me feel very comfortable. I take her in Monday morning to start treatment for her Heart Worm. My boss has been out of town all week and I leave in 10 days for Bali to I'm not looking forward to telling him that I'm going to have to leave work early Monday and Tuesday to pick her up from the vet.  I'm also concerned about how Josh is going to be able to keep her calm for a month. I'll be able to take her to work with me till I leave and watch her, but after that he's on his own.  We figure they sleep most of the day, that is when they aren't out side barking. So we are debating weather to crate her all day this way she will not be able to run around and won't be able to go outside and bark which gets her excited. We really don't see any other options as to making sure she stays calm all day. The idea of keeping her crated all day doesn't make us happy, but if it's that or her killing her self from getting too excited I guess the lesser of the two evils of keeping her crated. Good thing dogs don't have any concept of time. She shouldn't mind too much.  The reality is when she does go to work with me she sleeps most of the day anyways, either on my lap or in her crate.  She is a very good Service Dog for me.

Saturday was a busy day. I spent the whole day finding homes for all of my stuff so I could move my car back in the garage.  During the week I went through all of my boxes and took out some stuff that I needed, but mostly just labeled all of the boxes and moved them into the closets.  I have become an expert of stacking boxes and maximizing space.  I am exhausted, but happy to say that everything has a home and so far there is only one thing I can't seem to find that I need for my trip. Good thing there is a Costco near by and I can easily re-buy it and don't have to really stress about it.

I know my living situation isn't ideal, but it is working for right now. At this time I have so many more things to focus on then finding a place to life. And it is working for right now. I have a roof over my head, someone to take care of my doggie as she goes through treatment and she has a friend to keep her company. She is much happier here then she was in the apartment. She was only in the apartment for about a week, but she rarely wagged her tail.  The only time she did was when we were alone in the bathroom together with the door shut. I know that sounds odd.  She is much happier being in her house with her friend Taco. Actually we both are pretty happy and relaxed being back home. With the new medical expenses for Belle I'm glad I'm not having to pay rent right now. I wouldn't be able to afford it.  It is so nice to be in an active home. People are always coming and going.  We seem to be the neighborhood hang out. Noella, her husband and son came over Friday and Saturday along with some of our other neighbors. It's so good to all get together, eat good food, laugh and have fun.  We are all dealing with stuff, but for a few hours we are able to put it all aside and have fun.  One really good thing about living here is I'm getting well fed. I taught Josh well how to cook healthily and he has become an expert chef that loves cooking for family and friends. It is such a relief to come home after a long day at work and being stressed out by everything and be able to have a good meal and not have to worry about it.  That is one burden I don't have to worry about right now.  Which is a relief since I have so many other things to worry about.

Last night was really good. I went to a Women's broadcast at my church and was uplifted and I was able to talk to a few members from my ward. I was able to talk to the RS president and fill her in. Then today I went to church to my old/new ward and was welcomed with open arms. So many people were so happy to have me back. It was such a good feeling to be welcomed with open arms and the out pouring of love and to not be judged. My life is not typical so it is good to feel love and accepted by old friends.

With all the chaos in my life I continually thank God for all I have. I am very blessed. Some would call it luck, I believe that God has a hand in all things and everything happens for a reason. We are all here to learn certain lessons. Apparently there are just some lessons I failed to learn the first time. One day I will get it and move on in my life. I really believe that. I am continually learning and progressing and always moving forward in my life.  I can't wait to see what God has in store for me next.

New Beginnings

As you read in my last post (feel free to click the title of the blog to see old posts) he asked me to move out on Saturday and I complied.  I moved everything out on Saturday with the help of my parents and turned in my key on Sunday to the office. On Monday I took the utilities out of my name, changed my address on on my bills, etc and had my mail forwarded. I'm now officially out.  I haven't been staying there since Sunday, September 11th and I have been feeling better every day.

I saw my therapist today and she said I'm not the same person she first saw 3 months ago. When I first saw her I was totally scared and freaked out. I am slowly getting my life back together.  I'm less depressed and anxious and getting a handle on life.

I also saw my nutritionist today.  She got my blood tests back and I do have a problem with my thyroid.  She gave me some supplements for that.  We're hoping that will fix that which will hopefully help me with my depression and anxiety.  This will also explain my slow metabolism and why I have to work so hard to look the way I do.  What is frustrating is when people look at me and say you must have a high metabolism. They don't get how hard I have to work to look the way I do. I have to watch what I eat and exercise a lot. I've slowed down with the exercising, but I used to be an exerciseaholic.

I really hope that as things continue to come together that I will be more motivated to go to bed early so I can get up early and go to the gym. This probably won't happen till I get back from Bali.

I have no idea what's going to happen when I get home from Bali. I hope that he follows through and files the paperwork and we can all move on.

I am so blessed

When you're going through some of the toughest times in life your true friends come out to rally around you.

I am also so thankful to my husband who finally admitted that he drove me out of our home, and is the one who keeps hurting me. He flips flops on his thoughts and feelings 10 times a day according to him. Saturday morning he called me and said he was tired of being the bad guy and asked me to move out. By Sunday when I talked to him in the Bishop's office he said he wanted a divorce because he didn't want to keep hurting me.

I am sad to see my dreams shattered. I am sad to have my heart broken yet again. On the other hand as he said it I deserve better, I deserve to be taken care of and loved and not continually hurt by thim. I am sad that he has rather give me away to someone else then to stop hurting me. 

Thank you so much to all of my amazing friends. I appreciate all of your love and support. And thank you so much to my parents who I called soon as I got off the phone with my husband and they offered to drive right up.  They were there by the afternoon and we spent the entire day packing and moving me. You are amazing. That was not an easy task to accomplish in a single day. I am VERY thank you to my amazing ex-husand for letting me store all of my stuff in his garage and letting me stay in his extra room till I get my self back on my feet. I am happy to have neighbors that love me and are happy to have me home and safe. 

I am so very blessed. I know God has a plan for me and everything happens for a reason.

As I drove Sat to pick my stuff up all I could think of is I am so blessed. I am not homeless. I have somewhere safe to go. It's not ideal, but it will work for now.  And I am so blessed to have parents that will drive up at the drop of the hat to help me. I know I could of moved on my own once again because I'm a strong women, but it made it so much easier having my parents there this time. Moving 3 times in 12 months is just more then one person should ever have to go through.

I am so very blessed and loved.

19 Days and Counting

I can't believe I'm leaving in only 19 days. I've been counting down for months now. I still have so much more to do.  I heard it's very hot there and I've realized that I don't have very  much warm weather clothing. So I'm going on a shopping quest tonight in hopes to find some island ware along with some clothing to do yoga in. I am also in desperate need of some comfy shoes. I found 2 pairs last weekend, but I want to find just one more pair just in case. And if I find a pair I have 19 more days to break them in. I've been wearing the other shoes I found last weekend almost every day. They aren't bad, but I don't want to be caught off guard with bad shoes. I also need to find just one more swimsuit so I can trade off. I am happy to say that I found 2 pairs of shorts the other day at thrift stores so I'm set there. Now I just need to find some cooler tops. 

I'm so happy to have something so wonderful to look forward to.

I heard they have cheap massages there so I'm looking forward to getting a daily massage. This is going to be an amazing trip. Finally a really relaxing vacation. I can't wait.

Seeing the light

I think I'm finally figuring it out. After spending yesterday's therapy session writing out a timeline I've coming to the conclusion that I didn't marry the person I thought I did. This is more and more apparent during every couple's therapy session. He continues to reveal more and more things about himself and what he was doing before we got married.

My eyes were opened when he indulged in his addiction on our honeymoon. For a long time I believed that at that moment he changed and became a different person, but now I am realizing that was not the case.

I have this bad feeling that at that moment his true colors were finally being to show through. What do I mean by this? Well, I know he scoured all of my blogs while we were dating.  Even uncovering old blogs that I thought no one would find. At the time I thought he just wanted to get to know me better. But, now I'm realizing that he used that information to woo me.  Those blogs told exactly what I like and what I don't like. All he had to do was follow my handbook and he and anyone else would be able to win my heart. (Knowing this access to my blog is now limited to very close friends.)

Did he do this as a way to deceive me? Honestly I don't know. I don't think so. I don't think he's an evil person. Maybe he liked the person I wanted to marry. Maybe he desired to be have those qualities. So he tried to be that person for him and me. Then on our honeymoon for some reason he let down he guard and his old self took over. He was no longer able to keep being the person he wanted to be and became the person he has always been.  And for some reason as much as he wants to do good deep inside he is not able to break away from his bad habits and old ways.  

He tells me that it breaks his heart to see what he has done to me. But for some reason he is unable to control himself and in turn he is driving away what he wants most.  (And that is Satan's plan, convince us to give up what we want most for what we want now.)

So, what do you think? Is this possible?

It's not my fault.

I know it isn't my fault, but it's still nice to hear it from my husband that he is taking full responsibility for his actions.

After 4month of constant blame for this or that, it was nice to finally hear my husband take ownership of his wrong doings. He finally admitted that he drove me out of our home. The home that I worked so hard to create. The home that was once consecrated that he defiled and when I moved in I decorated it beautifully and filled it with uplifting images. Trying to create a haven from the world. 

He is also taking ownership of his actions & thoughts. As I never did anything to break his trust and it's all in his head. He said he is going to trust me. That is a relief. I hope it lasts.

He said he is going to stop trying to control me.  That is a first as he keeps denying that he is trying to control me. That is when he isn't saying it or e-mailing me and telling me he wants to control me.

I think he is finally realizing that he has destroyed our relationship one flake at a time. Just like a snowball grows bigger as it rolls down the mountain. He now has the choice to let the snowball keep growing or to stop it dead in it's tracks. I told him it is up to him. He is the only one who has control. He controls himself and all of his actions.  

Let's see what he chooses.

A New Day.

I just wanted to let you know that I am feeling better. A little safer day by day.  Things are becoming clearer to me day by day as what I need to do.

I still kick myself for having some of the most amazing qualities. I am way too loving, forgiving, patient, kind, giving, caring, and understanding.

Some day someone will appreciate these qualities and not use them to take advantage of me.

Thinking about working less hours.

Working gives me way too much time to think and stress and fret.

I'm thinking about cutting back my hours and spending some time working in the yard. This way I can focus on something tangible and watch the progress. For me working in the yard is very therapeutic.  Hacking away at bushes and trees that are over grown is great way to take our your anger. And seeing the difference is very fulfilling. 

At the same time I am very torn because financially I really can't afford to work less hours. On the other hand mentally I need a big change in my life. I've been running on adrenaline for a long time now and tears just keep leaking out at work. On the other hand if I'm not the only one paying for couple's counseling along with my own therapy I might be able to afford it.  

I was also thinking about getting back into sewing.  I have some fabric to make some halloween decorations. 

Trying to decompress

Over all it was a good weekend. I'll focus on the highlights. Friday night the neighbors came over and we all hung out. I love my neighbors, they are always lots of fun and are so happy to see me. They've missed me.

Saturday I got a ride and visited my parents and found my snorkel and prescription mask so I'm all ready for my trip to Bali. Then Saturday night I went to my girlfriend's sister's winery. They were having an outdoor movie night and pizza party.  I had fun schmoozing with all of her friends. Every party she has is filled with the nicest, down to earth people you have ever met. I love going over to her house or where ever she is. I am always sure to have a good time.

Sunday was filled with church and making new friends at my new ward.  And some emergency yard work due to the pond stopped working due to a puncture in the liner and a ton of water went under the liner.  Bye Bye pond. It was a sad, happy event.

This morning I felt like Michel Weston, the guy on Burn Notice. In the season finale last week he was walking back to his place and talking about decompressing after a big job. That is me right now. I'm doing my best to decompress. As he was walking back to his place to decompress he got kidnapped because he let his guard down. That also is me. In my quest to decompress there has been way too much action in my life.  Hopefully things will slowly simmer down and I will be able to really relax.

A Roller Coaster of Emotions

I’ve been on the emotional roller coaster for the past 3 months. I have gone from a state of shock and running on pure adrenaline. When the adrenaline wore off I crashed into a depressive state, then my husband got mad at me for not giving him the affection he deserved and I went from depressed to fearful, shock, and terror. I’m happy to say I’m not longer depressed like I was, but instead I’m back to living on adrenaline.  Now that I’ve moved out I’m trying to relax and feel safe again. At times I am able to let down my guard and breathe a sigh of relief and laugh a little. I love seeing my puppy again so happy running around and wagging her little tail. Seeing that bring happiness and joy to my life. I’m happy to say that the place I am staying at is constantly filled with people coming and going and the more people around the safer I feel.  The neighbors are constantly waking in and out.  Hearing other people around me laughing and full of joy makes me smile and helps bring me into the moment so I can enjoy what is happening at the moment. I’m actually socializing more and not just loosing myself in the tv like I was before.

I hate the nighttime.  I hate going to bed. I put it off as long as I can because it means the end of the day and I’ll have to do this all over tomorrow.

Hopefully one day soon I will be able to trust again, not be afraid of being alone, and not live in constant fear, always looking over my shoulder, locking all of my doors, setting the alarm at night and when I’m home alone, and jumping at every sound.

I thank God every day for my many blessings. My amazing friends that check up on me. Those people who drop by and constantly fill the house.  I am so very blessed and very loved. I am so thankful for my job, it gives me a reason to get up every morning and somewhere to go. And it enables me to be independent.

I am in a safe place now and I know soon when the adrenaline runs out and I crash I will be ok. I will be well loved and taken care of.  It’s going to be ok. I am safe now.   So, if you see me just ignore the tears. Talk about happier things, distract me and the tears will eventually dry up and I will be laughing again.

Celebrate with me the amazing things we are blessed with everyday. We all have so much to be thankful for. I may have a lot of sorry in my life right now, but I also have much joy.

I am one of "THEM"

Yesterday my therapist suggested I go to this program that provides intervention services to women, men and children who have experienced domestic violence. So I can get educated on the cycle of abuse. I can't believe it. I am one of "them." I just came from there with the below handouts.

I can't believe it. I am one of "them." How can this be? I am educated, I have my BS in Family Science, I know all about this stuff. I am pretty, independent, and strong. I have left 2 marriages due to abuse. I really thought this time would be different. I really thought he was different.  

Apparently I'm too strong for my own good. I put up with too much.  On the other hand my tolerance level is lessening and my eyes are being opened quicker.  It took me 6 months of living in fear to escape the first marriage and abt 15 yrs to admit that he hit me. Back then I was so scared, so ashamed that I made a bad choice.  It took me 10 years to figure out I was living in an abusive marriage with my second husband. And I guess you can be happy for me that I'm realizing so early on that husband #3 isn't a good fit either. I guess you can say I'm lucy to still be alive. Lucky to have the love and support from my family and friends and smart to realize the signs so early on.

When I return from my Bali trip I will enter their 15 week class and hopefully learn how to get out of this cycle. 

I'm off to the temple soon to enjoy some peace before I go to our couple's counseling session.

Click on pictures to enlarge

 

A love story gone very wrong.

(FYI: I'm in a state of shock right now so please forgive me if the details are a bit off, it's confusing, hard to follow, etc. And by the way I am very aware that there are always two sides to ever story, but as you are aware this is my blog and thus my story. Also I am very aware that I am far from perfect. Read my blog and you know I am the first to tell you all of my imperfections.)

About a year ago I met this guy. Over time we became friends. Then last December (2010) we started spending more time together.  I had been dating a bunch of different guys and there was on thing or another that annoyed me to no end. This guy was everything I wanted. A good friend, fun to be abound, easy to talk to, caring, loving, a member of my church in good standing, made me laugh, I felt at ease with him, he didn't rush things or try to take advantage of me or use me and loved me for me.  In March my dad ended up in the hospital and he came to visit me and met my family. Things were going great. In around April or so we began dating exclusively and I fell in love with him. His family was going to go to Scotland in May and I was going to go along. We were talking about getting married and decided to tie the knot and extend the trip to fulfill my dream and go to Europe. We saw it all, the Eiffel tower, stone henge, etc.

Now all of sudden my life is being turned upside down.  We've only been married for 3 months and I have come to realize that I have no idea who I married. This man I am married to is not the same man I married.  Prior to marriage he told me he had a porn addiction, but only fed his addiction when he was lonely and stressed and he had a handle on it. Prior to our leaving on our honeymoon I found the best therapist out there for him to see, he met him and I had real faith that he'd be able to overcome this addiction and we'd live happily ever after. As they say 3rd time is the charm. 

He is in pharmacy school and has 3 years left and has been paying for his schooling via loans.  And next year soon as the school is accredited the hospital he has been working at as a pharmacy tech during the summers and holidays will start paying for his schooling. He said that I didn't need to work if I didn't want to and we talked about starting a family.

I am finally going to have the life, the husband, and family that I have always wanted. 

Then on day 2 of our honeymoon I caught him looking an X rated magazine at the grocery store.  I was horrified. I knew his recovery wouldn't be perfect and he would slip up, but I figured it would be after our honeymoon when he had returned home to work and I had returned to our apt to my job. I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. He told me he had a handle on it and only looked at porn when he was lonely. He was far from lonely I was right there with him. At that point I realized that his addiction was more out of control then I was led to believe. Being on the trip of a lifetime I put my feelings aside as much as I could so I could enjoy our trip. Things were strained and awkward and he continually was defensive and hard to get along with during down time. It was good there wasn't much down time and the last half our our trip was through Costco and they had us on the go go go so it went by fast and with out a hitch.

Upon returning home he stayed at his parents house so he could work the summer at the local hospital as a pharmacy tech and I went back to where we live abt a 7 hr car ride and I packed up my stuff and moved into his apartment. I had printed and put up pictures in every room of us and the temple. Trying to make our home a haven where the spirit could dwell.  It was very stressful for me to do this all on my own.  And now that I was home from the trip of a lifetime. I finally let myself feel and deal with my emotions of what took place on our honeymoon. In a manner of weeks I went from a very inlove happy girl to someone in total shock to someone very depressed and quickly spiraling downhill in depression. I looked for a women's group of wives who are married to sex addicts and found an organization (Lifestar) I signed up for their workshop and enrolled in personal counseling.  To add to my known issues of anxiety and depression the therapist concluded that I am also suffering severely from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.)  I am now going to weekly therapy sessions to try to get a handle on my own mental health.  I had a good handle on it prior to getting married, but with all of this things are completely out of control. 

After getting over the shock, I become very angry and resentful that we were going to this workshop for his addiction. It was money we didn't have an a time commitment. As I was dealing with depression he became angry at me.  Prior to our marriage I asked him if he had any issues with anger and he told me that he rarely got angry and if so it was very quick. He told me once he broke his computer out of anger. While we were dating I let him use my computer and it got messed up, long story, but I didn't seem him angry so I felt safe. Then on our honeymoon I saw him get angry a few times and it scared me. I saw it the first day when we arrived in Scotland and he was loading the luggage in the car, he got angry. I saw him a couple times later get angry. It was never directed at me just his mom and aunt. It scared me every time. 

He came to visit me for a week after our honeymoon after I had moved into our apartment. We were talking about something and for the first time I saw him clench his fists and get angry at me.  Since he has moved back to our apartment and school has started again for him I have seen him get angry. I now walk out before he clenches his fists. I am scard. I don't want to be the next computer that he hits.

Since he has returned we have been in weekly counseling sessions. 

Lately has this idea that I am trying to control him and thus he is working hard to control me. Our counselor tried to explain that to him, that everything I do and say is to help our relationship and to help him. In our last session it really came our quite clear that he is on a quest to control me. Also that he doesn't hear what I say. He is so busy having a conversation in his mind that he assumes what I am going to say and doesn't even hear what I really say.  Hearing him tell me in our session and then getting his texts that tell me he wants to control me really freaked me out.

Prior to our last session he hacked into my e-mail account to access my text messages. He said he was sorry and swore he'd never do it again.  Our session was on Tue and Tue-Fri things went well at home. I was feeling more comfortable as the days went on.  I stopped having panic attacks as I drove to our apt. I was beginning to not be as scared that he'd start attacking me with his words again. On Fri-Sun I was housesitting and hanging out with my mom. Upon my return Sunday afternoon things went well. We had a good day. We went to church, went swimming, played a game, and by night time I felt comfortable and snuggled up with him on the couch to watch my new fav tv show. When the show was over he got up and I kept watching tv. As I turn around to grab the dog leash I see my husband returning my phone.  I'm not a big swearer, but the first thought that came to my head was WTF. "You have got to be kidding." My eyes are probably big as saucers and my mouth is hanging wide open. I'm in complete shock. It can't possibly what it appears. I have to be seeing thing. For those of you that have been out of the loop, he hacked into my e-mail last week so he could read my test messages. After the fact he apologized and  swore he'd never do it again.  So, in hopes I was just seeing things I asked "What did you do?" He said he was reading my text messages.  I can't believe this is happening. I am in total shock. I don't know what to say. All I know is something is terribly wrong. I grab my sick dog and my unpacked bags and walk out. He tries to stop me and force me to stay, but I tell him to just walk away. He still stands there blocking my path. I tell him if he doesn't let me leave I will call 911. He moves away. I get in my car and as I am driving away he jumps in front of it. I go around him and keep driving. 

So, since Sunday I've been staying at a friend's house. On Tue when he was at school I came back and got some more of my things. This morning at work I see an alert from yahoo telling me that someone tried to access my yahoo account. I can't believe it.  I start to shake and cry uncontrollably. I can't believe this.  Once again I am in pure shock. An I insane to think that he wouldn't hack into my account again. (Not that I have anything to hide. I am not having an affaire, or hiding some horrible secret or stealing his money. The only thing I am hiding right now is me.) I guess it's not the same account so he didn't really go back on his promise, but I had no idea that I had to spell out no hacking into any of my accounts, no stealing my phone to read my e-mail and texts.  I thought that was a given.  But, on the other hand on our honeymoon when I caught him looking at the X rated magazine I asked him if he was going to tell me and he said "No" as he didn't see anything.  Apparently he didn't find what he was looking for.  And no I didn't look at the magazine so I could understand what he saw or didn't see, the magazine's title clearly indicated that it was X rated. It wasn't like he picked up a comic book and was shocked to find full nudity, it was clear to him what he was looking at.

Thank you for all of your love and support and not judging me. Thank you for not saying I told you so or you should have listened. I wonder if I'm becoming one of those battered women you read about that keep going back to their man. The ones that you read about and say why, don't they see what is happening.

I have no idea what my next move is. I am still in shock that this morning he tried again to hack into my account. (Even more shock because I was really missing him last night and almost went home.) Is he trying to find me? Is that why he tried to hack into my account? Should I fear for my life? Will he try to hurt me physically? I don't know.  For someone that wants this to work he sure knows how to sabotage things. I am Angry, Scared, and very confused. This was the love of my life. This was the man I was planning on having a family with and spending eternity with. 

Yea! for housesitting.

Everyone has bizarre sleeping habits. My little girl likes to keep her nose warm while she sleeps.

I just came back from an amazing weekend with my mom. My ex was out of town so I offered to dog/house sit and I invited my mom to join me. What fun. An empty house to ourselves. It's better then a hotel as it's bigger and has a fully stocked kitchen. Sleeping in, relaxing, and amazing food. My mom made the most amazing stew ever. It tasted great and kept with in my gluten and dairy free diet.

Sad news. My little girl may have kennel cough. She wasn't feeling so good yesterday and this morning she started coughing.

Today is Labor Day and I'm happily laboring away. Yes, you heard it right I'm at work and happy about it. The thing is I don't get paid time off so I'm just happy that my boss wanted to come into work today so I could work.  It also keeps me busy and my mind off my crazy insane life. 

For those who want an update on the marriage front. My mom and I parted ways at noon so I could meet up with my husband at church. After church we had a wonderful afternoon filled with: swimming, playing trouble, going for a nice walk, and then cuddling on the couch. Then it was time to take the dog out one last time before hitting the hay. As I turn around to grab the dog leash I see my husband returning my phone.  I'm not a big swearer, but the first thought that came to my head was WTF. "You have got to be kidding." My eyes are probably big as saucers and my mouth is hanging wide open. I'm in complete shock. It can't possibly what it appears. I have to be seeing thing. For those of you that have been out of the loop, he hacked into my e-mail last week so he could read my test messages. After the fact he apologized and  swore he'd never do it again.  So, in hopes I was just seeing things I asked "What did you do?" He said he was reading my text messages.  I can't believe this is happening. I am in total shock. I don't know what to say. All I know is something is terribly wrong. I grab my sick dog and my unpacked bags and walk out. He tries to stop me and force me to stay, but I tell him to just walk away. He still stands there blocking my path. I tell him if he doesn't let me leave I will call 911. He moves away. I get in my car and as I am driving away he jumps in front of it. I go around him and keep driving. 

I am still in shock. Things seemed to be going so well last night. Since last Tue's therapy session he has been much better, not attacking me with his words. I really thought things were going uphill. Now this.

I'm off to my girlfriend's tonight.  She's having a party and some of the people who have gone to Bali previously will be there so I will be able to talk to them. I can't believe I'm leaving in about a month. I'm not ready at all. It's going to be hot and humid there and I don't have any real cool clothing. Working full time in a freezing office all summer means I don't need much cool clothing.  I'm hoping to take a look at some pictures and then hit up goodwill for some appropriate tropical wear.  

Home: A safe haven

It’s Thursday afternoon. Only an hour left at work. I have mixed feelings about leaving work. I want to go home, but am at a loss as I don’t feel like I have a home I can go to.  When I think of the word “HOME” I think of a safe haven from the world. A place we can be protected from the evils of the world, the outside stresses.  A safe place.

Only one more night and then I’m off to house sit again for a few days at my ex-husband’s house.   It’s not my home anymore, but it feels more like home then my home.  It’s so ironic. A place at one time I hated now is a place I love.

I look forward to a weekend away from my home. A place where I can just walk in plop down on the couch and be showered by love by my pooch. No talking just licks of love and a very waggy tail.  I smile every time I see my little girl all happy and excited, jumping around and wagging her tail.  It brings joy to my life to see her so happy. I wish I was her at times.

I miss my stair stepper. I miss working out at night. Hopefully he will be gone at the temple or busy studying and I will be able to jump on the stair stepper and get a little work out in while I watch some TV.

The sad thing is I look forward to bedtime. 8hrs of solace filled with sleep to pass the time. 8hrs that I don’t have to think, worry, and be scard. 8 worry free hours of my day.  It’s tough working full time. I feel like I have no time for fun. When I get out of work I have no where to go where I can just decompress and relax. I feel like I have to be on guard all day long.  I can never just let my guard down and relax.

Last night I survived by watching tv. Something to distract me from the pain that I am in.  I also took my dog for a walk and talked on the phone to my mom.

I have such a hard time these days focusing at work.

I’m supposed to be on a gluten, dairy, soy free diet, but I’m so tired.  Being on a strict diet like this means preparing all of your own meals and right now I just don’t have the time or energy.  Eating to me is such a chore. Something that takes time away from other things.

Letter writing is therapeutic

They say that writing letters and not sending them is very therapeutic. I heard George Washington did this while in office and that he also had a friend out of politics who he used to confide in and talk through all of his problems through. Let’s see how it works. Hopefully after it’s written I will feel better and have a more positive perspective on life. 

Dear Husband:

Congratulations! You win.  You have complete control of me and this relationship.  I have absolutely no privacy as you have shown me you can easily hack into my accounts.  Thus you are able to track my every move. You can see my comings and goings of the day and as you know I relay on my calendar to make sure I make it to my appointments you now have the power to alter that as you please.  From my e-mails you can control all of my relationships by hacking into my e-mails altering them as you please and deleting the ones you don’t want me to read.  Cyberspace used to not have a monopoly, but you now own it.  You also control my performance at work.  If you goal is for me to get fired so I will be home under your thumb then you are succeeding.

You have me in complete submission. I haven’t had panic attacks in years and now I have them nearly every day. Last night driving home I sobbed the whole way and after parking it took me a while to get out of the car due to I was unable to catch my breath.  If you goal is for me to fear you and tremble at the though of coming home you have succeeded.

This morning I wanted to get up and exercise but, I was afraid to face you so I laid there not moving pretending to be asleep, waiting for you to leave.

I so want to soar. I want to be the wife that I know I can be. I want to dote on you.  Serve you hand and food, but you have clipped my wings and now I am a wounded bird just limping along.

If you would only treat me like the princess I am I will make you wildest dreams come true.

Your Subservient Wife

He thinks I hold all the power, but that is not true. If I held all the power we’d be living happily every after.  I have no desire to control him or anyone else, that takes too much work. I learned early on that it is better to delegate then to micromanage. If you have all the power and control that mean you have to do all the work. If you delegate you teach the skills necessary and let you staff soar.  The burden is no longer on your shoulders and a weight is lifted.  I am all about delegating. 

I know there is a reason for everything and maybe God didn’t intend for this to be the one, but to lead me to what I need at this time. Maybe I was led to him so I could find Leslie, my therapist who has now diagnosed me with PTSD and is treating me for that along with depression and anxiety. And she led me to Linda who is going to help treat my PTSD, depression, anxiety, and other health related issues.

If that is the reason for Marriage #3 then all I can say is Thank You God.  Your way may not be my way, but I know you know the beginning from the end and therefore I know if I keep trusting in you and following you I will be on the right path that will lead me to my happily ever after ending.

Thus nothing is lost, all of these trials I am facing right now is just a hiccup in life. 

*************
End note. I have to add he has been nice the last 2 nights I have been home. He hasn't attacked me with his words like he has done every other night. I'm shocked. Hopefully he can keep it up, I'm crossing my fingers.

I do believe in God and miracles. Maybe this huge miracle will keep repeating it's self.