A love story gone very wrong.

(FYI: I'm in a state of shock right now so please forgive me if the details are a bit off, it's confusing, hard to follow, etc. And by the way I am very aware that there are always two sides to ever story, but as you are aware this is my blog and thus my story. Also I am very aware that I am far from perfect. Read my blog and you know I am the first to tell you all of my imperfections.)

About a year ago I met this guy. Over time we became friends. Then last December (2010) we started spending more time together.  I had been dating a bunch of different guys and there was on thing or another that annoyed me to no end. This guy was everything I wanted. A good friend, fun to be abound, easy to talk to, caring, loving, a member of my church in good standing, made me laugh, I felt at ease with him, he didn't rush things or try to take advantage of me or use me and loved me for me.  In March my dad ended up in the hospital and he came to visit me and met my family. Things were going great. In around April or so we began dating exclusively and I fell in love with him. His family was going to go to Scotland in May and I was going to go along. We were talking about getting married and decided to tie the knot and extend the trip to fulfill my dream and go to Europe. We saw it all, the Eiffel tower, stone henge, etc.

Now all of sudden my life is being turned upside down.  We've only been married for 3 months and I have come to realize that I have no idea who I married. This man I am married to is not the same man I married.  Prior to marriage he told me he had a porn addiction, but only fed his addiction when he was lonely and stressed and he had a handle on it. Prior to our leaving on our honeymoon I found the best therapist out there for him to see, he met him and I had real faith that he'd be able to overcome this addiction and we'd live happily ever after. As they say 3rd time is the charm. 

He is in pharmacy school and has 3 years left and has been paying for his schooling via loans.  And next year soon as the school is accredited the hospital he has been working at as a pharmacy tech during the summers and holidays will start paying for his schooling. He said that I didn't need to work if I didn't want to and we talked about starting a family.

I am finally going to have the life, the husband, and family that I have always wanted. 

Then on day 2 of our honeymoon I caught him looking an X rated magazine at the grocery store.  I was horrified. I knew his recovery wouldn't be perfect and he would slip up, but I figured it would be after our honeymoon when he had returned home to work and I had returned to our apt to my job. I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. He told me he had a handle on it and only looked at porn when he was lonely. He was far from lonely I was right there with him. At that point I realized that his addiction was more out of control then I was led to believe. Being on the trip of a lifetime I put my feelings aside as much as I could so I could enjoy our trip. Things were strained and awkward and he continually was defensive and hard to get along with during down time. It was good there wasn't much down time and the last half our our trip was through Costco and they had us on the go go go so it went by fast and with out a hitch.

Upon returning home he stayed at his parents house so he could work the summer at the local hospital as a pharmacy tech and I went back to where we live abt a 7 hr car ride and I packed up my stuff and moved into his apartment. I had printed and put up pictures in every room of us and the temple. Trying to make our home a haven where the spirit could dwell.  It was very stressful for me to do this all on my own.  And now that I was home from the trip of a lifetime. I finally let myself feel and deal with my emotions of what took place on our honeymoon. In a manner of weeks I went from a very inlove happy girl to someone in total shock to someone very depressed and quickly spiraling downhill in depression. I looked for a women's group of wives who are married to sex addicts and found an organization (Lifestar) I signed up for their workshop and enrolled in personal counseling.  To add to my known issues of anxiety and depression the therapist concluded that I am also suffering severely from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.)  I am now going to weekly therapy sessions to try to get a handle on my own mental health.  I had a good handle on it prior to getting married, but with all of this things are completely out of control. 

After getting over the shock, I become very angry and resentful that we were going to this workshop for his addiction. It was money we didn't have an a time commitment. As I was dealing with depression he became angry at me.  Prior to our marriage I asked him if he had any issues with anger and he told me that he rarely got angry and if so it was very quick. He told me once he broke his computer out of anger. While we were dating I let him use my computer and it got messed up, long story, but I didn't seem him angry so I felt safe. Then on our honeymoon I saw him get angry a few times and it scared me. I saw it the first day when we arrived in Scotland and he was loading the luggage in the car, he got angry. I saw him a couple times later get angry. It was never directed at me just his mom and aunt. It scared me every time. 

He came to visit me for a week after our honeymoon after I had moved into our apartment. We were talking about something and for the first time I saw him clench his fists and get angry at me.  Since he has moved back to our apartment and school has started again for him I have seen him get angry. I now walk out before he clenches his fists. I am scard. I don't want to be the next computer that he hits.

Since he has returned we have been in weekly counseling sessions. 

Lately has this idea that I am trying to control him and thus he is working hard to control me. Our counselor tried to explain that to him, that everything I do and say is to help our relationship and to help him. In our last session it really came our quite clear that he is on a quest to control me. Also that he doesn't hear what I say. He is so busy having a conversation in his mind that he assumes what I am going to say and doesn't even hear what I really say.  Hearing him tell me in our session and then getting his texts that tell me he wants to control me really freaked me out.

Prior to our last session he hacked into my e-mail account to access my text messages. He said he was sorry and swore he'd never do it again.  Our session was on Tue and Tue-Fri things went well at home. I was feeling more comfortable as the days went on.  I stopped having panic attacks as I drove to our apt. I was beginning to not be as scared that he'd start attacking me with his words again. On Fri-Sun I was housesitting and hanging out with my mom. Upon my return Sunday afternoon things went well. We had a good day. We went to church, went swimming, played a game, and by night time I felt comfortable and snuggled up with him on the couch to watch my new fav tv show. When the show was over he got up and I kept watching tv. As I turn around to grab the dog leash I see my husband returning my phone.  I'm not a big swearer, but the first thought that came to my head was WTF. "You have got to be kidding." My eyes are probably big as saucers and my mouth is hanging wide open. I'm in complete shock. It can't possibly what it appears. I have to be seeing thing. For those of you that have been out of the loop, he hacked into my e-mail last week so he could read my test messages. After the fact he apologized and  swore he'd never do it again.  So, in hopes I was just seeing things I asked "What did you do?" He said he was reading my text messages.  I can't believe this is happening. I am in total shock. I don't know what to say. All I know is something is terribly wrong. I grab my sick dog and my unpacked bags and walk out. He tries to stop me and force me to stay, but I tell him to just walk away. He still stands there blocking my path. I tell him if he doesn't let me leave I will call 911. He moves away. I get in my car and as I am driving away he jumps in front of it. I go around him and keep driving. 

So, since Sunday I've been staying at a friend's house. On Tue when he was at school I came back and got some more of my things. This morning at work I see an alert from yahoo telling me that someone tried to access my yahoo account. I can't believe it.  I start to shake and cry uncontrollably. I can't believe this.  Once again I am in pure shock. An I insane to think that he wouldn't hack into my account again. (Not that I have anything to hide. I am not having an affaire, or hiding some horrible secret or stealing his money. The only thing I am hiding right now is me.) I guess it's not the same account so he didn't really go back on his promise, but I had no idea that I had to spell out no hacking into any of my accounts, no stealing my phone to read my e-mail and texts.  I thought that was a given.  But, on the other hand on our honeymoon when I caught him looking at the X rated magazine I asked him if he was going to tell me and he said "No" as he didn't see anything.  Apparently he didn't find what he was looking for.  And no I didn't look at the magazine so I could understand what he saw or didn't see, the magazine's title clearly indicated that it was X rated. It wasn't like he picked up a comic book and was shocked to find full nudity, it was clear to him what he was looking at.

Thank you for all of your love and support and not judging me. Thank you for not saying I told you so or you should have listened. I wonder if I'm becoming one of those battered women you read about that keep going back to their man. The ones that you read about and say why, don't they see what is happening.

I have no idea what my next move is. I am still in shock that this morning he tried again to hack into my account. (Even more shock because I was really missing him last night and almost went home.) Is he trying to find me? Is that why he tried to hack into my account? Should I fear for my life? Will he try to hurt me physically? I don't know.  For someone that wants this to work he sure knows how to sabotage things. I am Angry, Scared, and very confused. This was the love of my life. This was the man I was planning on having a family with and spending eternity with.