Prior to my marring Randy, a porn addict, I was clueless
about the ill effects of porn and how an addiction affects their spouse.
A week after I married Randy I caught him looking at porn on
our honeymoon. I was horrified, but the
act of him looking at porn was not what ruined our honeymoon it was his how he
treated me from that day forward. Not once on our honeymoon did I mention what
I caught him doing, but my guess is due to his guilt and shame he was unable to
move forward. From that day no matter what I said he took it personally and was
very defensive. And it wasn’t as if I
was trying to carry on any deep conversations at this point. I was on vacation.
I was a tourist. I would say “look at that” or “what do you think of this” and he
would jump down my throat.
Living with an addict I learned that they are so ashamed of their
addiction they do all you can to hide it.
They live a double life. And in
living a double/secret life for so long they create their own reality and in
that reality they see themselves as normal, and thus they assume everyone lives
a double life. Everyone is just as secretive as them. Everyone is hiding
something. And that is one of the things
that destroyed our marriage before it even began. He was always so sure I was
hiding something from him and he obsessed over it. He would stalk me on line. He spent hours
researching me. Digging through my old blogs and finding old pictures of me on
the web. Even searching through my
computer when I wasn’t paying attention. Then when we got married and the first
thing he did was read my journal to see what I was hiding, then he proceeded to
hack into my e-mail and stole my phone so he could read all my text messages.
He didn’t trust me, as he wasn’t trustworthy. He was angry with me all the time and blamed
me for his stalking. If I weren’t so secretive he wouldn’t have to do it. After
he threatened me physically a couple of times I left. I had already endured several months of
emotional and verbal abuse and I didn’t want to make the same mistake as my
friends and end up in the hospital or dead.
I have to say I am thankful that we did go to marriage
counseling. It was there that I saw how skewed his thinking was and it was them
that sent me to the battered women’s workshop.
In the end I could see he lived in a fantasy world. He didn’t hear a
word I said because in his mind he knew what I was going to say so when I
talked he didn’t listen to me as he’d already had the conversation in his mind. I also learned in my battered women’s class that
his being abusive had nothing to do with his addiction. For a long time I thought he acted the way he
did because he was suffering from withdrawals from porn. Later I realized I was
just making an excuse for him, I was so naïve. After talking to other
significant others of porn addict I learned that no matter if their significant
other was indulging in their addiction or not they were still treated badly.
End note: I would like to put a plea out to everyone. Please
assist youngsters to stay clear of porn so they can develop a good self image, healthy
relationships and see a clear picture of the world. Please don’t just say porn
is evil, instead educate them on how it will affect their lives if they become
addicted. For those of you who know
someone who is struggling with an addiction do your best to make them aware of
resources out there to help them overcome it.
And if you know someone who is young and struggling with a porn
addiction help educate them that if they don’t take care of it now it will affect
their future relationships and career opportunities. It’s not just a private
affair.
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