Insanity Plea

I plea insanity. That explains my life, especially the last two years. I’m pretty sure that no one in their right mind would have lived the life I have for the past 2 years.  You see criminals plea insanity all of the time for the things they have done, so why can’t I?

I tried to get an annulment from my marriage to Randy based on Fraud, but sadly like all good scam artist, it’s not that easy to prove and I didn’t want to give the rest of my retirement to a lawyer, just so I would have legal proof that he was a Fraud. 

You always hear about little old ladies being scammed out of their retirement and you think, they must be really dumb to fall for that.  Well, I’m a college graduate sharp as a tack and I was taken for the ride of my life.  His lies slowly leaked out, but it wasn’t till we were in marriage counselor that they really gushed out.   I think the poor women was shocked at what poured out of his mouth and with that the directly sent me to a place for battered women.

In the process of trying to stay safe from him and out of reach I ended up in another bad situation/relationship.  Very different, but just as bad.  But, I guess when you are on the run, you take what you can get, you do what ever you have to stay safe.  So, don’t be so quick to judge people you have no idea what there situation is or what they are going through.

It’s amazing at how much damage can be done to one person in such a short time.

So, here I am.  At one time I was an amazing cook. I could cook most anything from a recipe, but now I’m pretty useless in a kitchen. I have been so torn down and micro-managed that if someone else is in the kitchen I just stand there.  My mind completely turns off and except for apologizing I do nothing unless instructed.  Because I’m sure that what ever I’m doing is wrong, because that is what I have been told.

My mind races at night replaying recent events.  My heartaches from a void that should be filled, but isn’t.  I wish like a broken computer you could just order a new heart, but you can’t. You can’t replace years like you replace a battery on a car.  Nothing can take away the memories or erase the pain.

I’m no longer that free loving spirit I used to be.   More and more things scare me every day. My fears increase daily. I see how people can become agoraphobic.   I used to be passionate about so many things, now I just want to escape in books, movies, and TV. I want to enter into that picture perfect post card. This is the results of years of abuse.

Please God forgiving me of all my past sins I wasn’t in my right mind.   I’m now in a much safer place.  It appears that Randy has stopped stocking me or has become stealthier. I finally feel safe going out alone and being home alone.  I no longer fear for my life.

I had hoped that changing my diet would cure my depression, but it hasn’t.  I’ve been beginning to wonder if mental illness will plague my entire life. My doctor will probably still agree that it’s situational and if I didn’t live in such an abusive environment I wouldn’t suffer so much.  In addition my doctor would probably also suggest like they did before move somewhere where life is slower.

I really don’t want to go back on prescription medication again as I was on it for years and they were never able to find the right combination and dosage, but if things don’t get better fast I’m going to have to change my insurance, to one that isn’t just for catastrophic and give it another try.  In addition I think I’ll also move somewhere quieter.   I’m not sure where to yet, but I need to make a fresh start and give life another try.