Generic Facebook Invite

Yippee! For Friday. Today is the first day of a weekend of Halloween festivities and parties.  Only one of my really close friends is having a get together this weekend so my choice of what to do is wide open. Thanks to Facebook my options of what to do has been greatly widened. The down side of generic invites that say bring your friends and everyone is welcome is you really don’t know if your presence is really important or not. I remember back it the dark ages I used to send out paper invitations in the mail and I was very selective in who I invited.  For the obviously reason I only invited those people who I was really good friends with since I needed their full name and address to invite them.  Everyone I invited was not my BFF, but they all ran in one of the circles I associate with and it was always important to me that they all showed up. To me I really wanted all of them there. And for the most part everyone showed up.   Which was kind of a shock to my parents at times because the norm for sending out invitations is only half of the people showed up, but for my parties 99% were in attendance. One of my fondest childhood memories I recall was the huge birthday and swim parties my mom used to throw.  The last big birthday party I had at my parent’s house was when I was 21.  I invited a lot of the people from the Young Single Adult Church group I was a part of and it was a throw back party. We played all those goofy games we used to as kids. It was a total hoot.  Those were the days.

The parties I go to these days are nothing like those parties.  There aren’t any games or organization and there isn’t real opportunities to meet or get to know the other guests.  The other weekend I went to a party and one guy suggested we play a mime game and that was tons of fun. It reminded me of the good o’ days.

Since I am new to the area and don’t know a lot of people I am thankful for the “come one come all” invites on Facebook. If it weren’t for those I would probably sit at home being very lonely.  I have attended a few events where I didn’t even know the host, but I knew one or two of the guest. It is a whole new experience for me. I’ve never been one to show up to an event with out a personal invite from the host, but so far I’ve gotten a warm reception.  I think the first event I went to was a going away party.  That was really awkward. It was at a restaurant I had never been to and I had no idea what the people looked like that I was meeting up with.  I show up before the person I knew showed up. I think this tops awkward situations for me. Prior to going I e-mailed the host and got a general description of what she looked like so when I got to the restaurant I looked around for her and thankfully she was also keeping an eye out for me. After a few minute looking around and feeling really uncomfortable I went up to who I thought was them, thankfully it was then I had to do the awkward introduction of I saw your event on facebook and so and so said I should come so I can get to know more people. It was awful.  Thankfully more people showed up and the attention left me. I have to say the horrible awkwardness was worth it because now when I go to other YSA events I knew a few more people. To add to it the group was really nice and I wouldn’t say any of us are best friends yet, but we do hang out together at other events where we run into each other.

Now that I’m advanced from the YSA group and now a part of the Mid-Singles groups I thought I’d give one of their events a try. I’m really nervous about going. I don’t like going places where I don’t really know anyone. I feel so self-conscious. There is a party tonight and I’m going to give it a try.   Hopefully someone I know shows up before me so I don’t have to go standing around looking really dumb and feeling really awkward.   I’ll let you know how it goes. Hopefully I’m lucky enough to get “the wave.”

You can't be talked out of your FEARS

I really try to portray myself as this very confident woman, but that’s not the case most of the time. I try to cover-up my fear and lack of self-confidence by humor and an outgoing personality. My mom says I’d make a great actress because I can put on a great show.  If you spend the time to get to know me I do have certain looks that will give it all away, but you really have to get to know me to see through the facade.  I have lots of fears and self-doubt. I know some of my fears are totally unwarranted and totally unrealistic, but they are my fears. We all have them.  Some people fear heights, boats, water, spiders, open spaces, etc. To make these fears sound more official or warranted they come up with all these fancy names such as agoraphobic and arachnophobia.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter how convincing we are and how much we love a person we may never be able to talk away some people’s fears.  Everyone needs to overcome his or her fears on their own timetables.

So, why is it I can’t be talk out of my fears, but can so easily be talked into doing so much other stuff. It’s doesn’t make any sense.  They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I think this goes both ways. Seriously if you offer me a good meal I can be talked into doing stuff, going places, and spending time with someone that I wouldn’t agree to previously.  Like the other night. I should have kept my nose to the grindstone and worked late, but when 6pm rolled around, I was starving and an offer was made to have dinner, I caved in.  I put my work aside and went out to dinner.  I figured there was no real point to keep working when all I could think about was food. I am such a push over sometimes. It’s not good.  I totally paid the price today. Getting in early to work didn’t allow me enough time to finish the project. To compensate I worked late tonight and the project still isn’t done.  I seriously need to organize my time better. And it’s not all my fault either. My boss wants this transcription done and doesn’t understand what is taking me so long. But, ever time I try to spend time working on it he has something else he wants me to get done. He just doesn’t get, that if work on something else then this won’t get done.  I think he thinks I can do it all at once. He just doesn’t realize how much time everything takes. Not remembering what he asks me to do doesn’t help either. It’s so frustrating. He wants me to read his mind and that is just not going to happen.  The bad part is he just doesn’t get why I can’t read his mind. According to him his last admin did.  Apparently I’m just not that good. Or he just has a selective memory.   The thing is he used be a contractor and had his own business and she was his admin helping to run his business. My guess is after working for him for so many years she got the routine down and was able to follow protocol.  Since then he retried from the contracting business and my job mostly is to help him with his family history. His biggest challenge and mine too is his memory is going and he forgets a lot and can’t find stuff on his computer and that is very frustrating.  He accidently drags and drops things on his computer and/or forgets where he saves them so we spend lots of time searching for missing pictures and files. 

Snuggle Weather

One day I’m going to get back to the gym. The problem is it’s so cold out and my bed is so warm and snuggly.  I’m having a tough time dragging myself out of bed.  I am a sucker for a warm snuggly bed. In the wintertime when it’s cold out I love snuggling up under a warm blanket.  This is the season to cuddle up and watch a movie.  I’m not a big movie watcher and I haven’t seen many movies, but wintertime is my time to catch up.   I also I like to cuddle up with someone when I’ve had a really stressful day. It’s not a sexual thing at all, I like to cuddle up with friends that make me feel safe when I’m in their arms and I am able to relax letting go of the cares of the world. I know I can’t run away from my problems, but it’s nice to sometimes forget about one’s problems for just a little while.  The quickest way for me to relax and forget about my problems is to get caught up in a good movie or tv show.  I love action and adventure movies because they capture my attention. Comedies are good too, but they aren’t always as captivating.

After hearing a talk Sunday I really want to see “Dead Poet’s Society.” I saw it when it came out years ago, but can’t remember it.  I also want to see “Nightmare before Christmas.” I’ve heard a lot of people talk about it, but I don’t think I’ve ever watched the whole thing through. I think I’ve tried watching it before, but got board. Maybe now that I’m older it will keep my attention.  Or maybe if I watched it with friends they will explain to me why it’s so great. Maybe I just didn’t get it. That is possible too. I’m not that quick when it comes to following story lines. So, this is just a warning, but there is a good possibility if we watch a complicated movie you’re going to have to explain it to me. And just to add to it, I have a tendency to talk through movies. So if this really bugs you, you may not like watching movies with me.  On the other hand if you like snuggling then you may enjoy watching movies with me and all my talking may be worth it. 

It wasn’t until recently that I realized that not all couches are good for snuggling on.  In my younger years comfort wasn’t a big issue for me.  I was happy sitting on the floor. As I’ve gotten older I now prefer to sit on a chair, bench, stool, or couch. When I sit on the floor my legs and feet fall asleep and it gets really annoying.  So, maybe couches aren’t getting less comfortable, but I’m getting pickier.   It could also be my size and the size of people I’m sharing the couch with. When we were kids we were all much smaller and there was plenty of room for all of us to fit on the couch. Now we are all bigger, or they are making smaller couches and so we don’t all fit on the couch as comfortable.

The couch I have in my apartment is too narrow and too stiff to really get comfortable on. Even when I sit alone on my couch I’m not very comfy.   Also the angle isn’t quite right. I can’t put me feet up on the couch and still watch tv. If I do put my feet up then I put it on the coffee table and that’s not very comfortable because it’s so hard. I miss my recliner. That made for a comfy seat when you are sitting alone watching tv. 

I was at a friend’s house and if you don’t mind laying down with your head in some one’s lap or their feet in your face then having a couch with a recliner works well. One of you can use the recliner and the other person can lie down on the length of the couch enabling both of you to be stretched out. As you can see cuddling doesn’t have to be a full on body contact it can be just being close.

I was at my friend’s parent’s house and their couch was just as uncomfortable as my couch is.  I’m thinking that some couches are made for looks and not for comfort. The narrow couch is great to help make a room look bigger, but isn’t made to relax on. 

Also couches can’t be too soft where you sink into them and disappear.  On the other hand they do need to be soft enough that you don’t feel like you are sitting on a bench and your butt falls asleep.  Couches should be soft enough that you can put your arm around someone with out making them feel like you are pushing them forward. 

It may not always be the couch. Some people may just be better at snuggling then others. Or they have more snuggling experience on their couch that they know just the right way to snuggle on it comfortably.  I guess to figure that out I will have to snuggle the same person on many different couches and many people on the same couch. Now who wants to be my guinea pig?!

The Wave

What is the Wave? The wave is something we are all looking for when we get into a social situation. I think there was a Seinfeld episode about this. It is the slight nod of the head of approval. The smile or the twinkle of the eyes that says that you are doing a good job. The good old thumbs up sign. And ultimately the wave is the motioning of the hand that says come over and join us.

I got together with a girlfriend of mine the other night and she comment on how outgoing I am. She remembers me as a very shy kid growing up.  The truth is it all depends on the situation as to how I act or react to those around me. While at her house I felt very comfortable, even thought I hadn’t seen her in over ten years and I have never met her husband or children before. Their family just made me feel at ease and I was able to be myself. Her husband is really into food storage and I am interested also so I was able to easily carry on a lively conversation with him.

Just a few hours earlier I went to church in a new building with a whole group of people I have never met and felt very uncomfortable and awkward. It was so bad that after the first hour I ran out. I just couldn’t handle the uneasiness anymore.

My level of comfort and my personality differs with the environment I am in.  It wasn’t until I wrote my last blog post entitled “Psycho Chick” that I have ever spent so much time analyzing how I act differently in different environments.  I was talking to another friend the other night and he said that his personality also alters with the company he is in. His underlying personality always stays the same, but the jokes he tells and what he talks about changes depending on his company.  I completed him on this. As he is one who likes to joke around a lot with people and learning that I don’t deal well with that type of attention he doesn’t do this with me.  At the same time when we are together he always seems at ease, he never seems like he is walking on egg shells with me, he still jokes around and we laugh a lot together and are very relaxed in each other’s presences. He doesn’t have to strain himself to be with me and it isn’t exhausting being my friend. I asked him how he is able to alter his personality with his environment so well and he said it comes through experience and maturity.  I told him he needs to teach a class, because I’ve come across several people lately and many people in my life that need some assistance in this area.  (The frustrating part in life is you really can’t teach experience and maturity, it is something that takes time.  That is when patience kicks in. We need to have patience as we experience life and learn the life lessons we were sent here on earth to learn.)

Some people think I am very out going and I can walk up to anyone and strike up a conversation.   As you can see from what I wrote above it all depending on the situation/circumstances and how the person holds them selves and what vibe they let off.

The other night I went to a Young Single Adult Halloween Party at Church. There were several people I knew and felt comfortable walking up to and talking too.  And there were other people that made them selves appear unapproachable.  The approachable people differ significantly from the unapproachable in how they hold themselves and whom they surround themselves with. It is much easier for me to go up to a person who is sitting or standing alone then to walk up to a table of people all chatting, especially if there is no empty seat. On the other hand I hate being the one sitting or standing alone. I feel so self-conscious and uncomfortable that I do my best to look busy when I’m alone. So if you see me hanging around the food or hiding in the bathroom or leaving early it’s because I don’t feel like I fit in and am quite embarrassed.

The honest truth is I feel uncomfortable a lot of the time when I attend large social gatherings alone or even with just one other person. Unless I arrive or meet up with a group of friends I feel very awkward at house parties, church, dances, etc.  Lately I have forced myself to attend these types of events in hopes that I will create the circle of friends and have as much fun as the people around me appear to be having. 

The house party is a whole new concept for me. Until a few months back I have never attended a party that I knew just a few people.  All the parties I have attended I was friends or at least associated with 99% of the people. The 1% was new girlfriend or boyfriends that circulated in and out of the group.

After college I moved home and worked and attended a Young Single Adult Church group and it was uncomfortable at first, but I was quickly included part of George’s group.  He was this overly friendly, funny, loving guy who was full of life and knew how to have a good time. He was nice and friendly with everyone. You didn’t have to be drop-dead gorgeous, rich, drive the right car or wear the right clothing or anything like that to be part of his group. He had to be since he befriended me.  I was a no body.  I wasn’t rich, popular, dress to the 9’s. I was just the shy girl next door. Who didn’t talk till she someone approached her.

George was amazing. He was so charismatic. He did have a core group of friends that got together and hung out all the time at each other’s houses, at the dances, and activities. Wherever they were that was where the party was at and I was fortunate enough to be apart of that.  Were we really the popular ones? Probably not, but we had our group and that was all that mattered. We also weren’t the gossipers or the one’s that made fun of, excluded, or picked on others. We didn’t need too. We had our own lives to deal with. Some of us were college graduates like myself trying to figure out what to do next, others were just out of high school trying to figure out if college was right for them, others were preparing for a mission, some were working just to pay the bills, some had gone to some college and had come home not knowing if college was right for them, others had just come home from their missions and not knowing where to go next, everyone was at a different place in their lives trying to figure out what now. 

The sad thing for me and the happy thing for him was he got married and moved out of the singles group. That was a sad time for everyone. The group slowly disintegrated as others left on their missions, went away to college and moved.

I yearn to be part of that group again. I know I can't get it back, so I've been activity seeking out another George. For a little bit I thought I found one, but then to my dismay their true colors came out and they were nothing like the George I loved and wanted to be associated with.

I feel awkward meeting new people, I don’t like to be rejected.  As much as I feel awkward and don’t like these things I’ve been forcing myself to attend more social events in hopes of meeting people and making friends and thus I won’t feel so uncomfortable.  I see people go to these events all the time and appear to have so much fun and I yearn to have lots of fun so I go in hopes I will be experience the fun that they appear to be having.

Many times I feel shy and uncomfortable, but I see people smiling and laughing and having a good time around me so I want to join in. I want to be one of the “in” people. The group that is laughing and having fun. I don’t know how to do this other than jumping in and trying to blend in. In hopes that they will accept me. I love being the one who is being waved at to come over when I walk into a room. So I try to do that with others.

I went to a party the other night at a girl’s house that I didn’t even know and from the doorway she gave me the wave. That really made me feel included at the party.  She didn’t even know me and she wanted me to join in. Wow, is that a boost of self confidence or what?!

I don’t know if I will ever be able to find another George, he was really unique and special.

I should probably tell you a little more about George. You may be surprised to know that by the world’s standards George isn’t the iconic man. He isn’t tall dark and handsome. He isn’t rich by the world’s standards. He didn’t come dressed to church in designer suits or drive the fancy red sports car.  By the world’s standards he is just like me just another guy(0k, I’m a girl, but you get it). But to me, he is everything I want to be.

I have spent much of my life feeling alone and hating it.  So, I try to be a George as much as I can.  When I was going to the Young Single Adult Group on Sunday I try to look around the room and catch people’s eye and smile at them. When it’s appropriate I wave them over and have them join me and who ever I am with. More the merrier is my motto.  I try to get everyone who is sitting alone to come join me because I always hated sitting alone.  I try to keep my eye on the door so when someone new walks in alone they will see me smiling and waving at them and they will have a destination and not feel dumb like I do when I walk into an activity alone. And maybe others aren’t as self-conscious as I am and maybe some people like spending time alone in a group. If that is the case then I am happy for them, but just in case they do feel like me then I want to help them feel included like I want to feel included. 

Psycho Chick

 I recently come across several guys that are 30 something and newbie’s to dating. It’s hard to believe that they have gone this long with out countless notches on their belt. Maybe I just watch too much tv, but I really thought “The-40-Year-Old-Virgin” was a spoof.  Being 30 something myself I have been in and out of countless relationships.  With every new relationship I and have learned something new. I’m not saying all the lessons have been easy. Some are quite painful, but that is why we are here on Earth.  One thing all of these guys have in common is they all dated the Psycho Chick.  What am I referring to when I say “Psycho Chick”? It  is a girl that twists everything you says around and is offended by everything you say.

After talking to a yet, another guy last night who has never been on a date, I got to thinking that just maybe there isn’t a “Psycho Chick” and instead it’s the guys inexperience of being with girls and talking to girls that makes then think that some chick when Psycho on them.  If the guy I talked to last night is the epitome of an inexperienced guy then I see why some chick would appear to go Psycho on a guy.   The guy I talked to last night managed to continually put his foot in his mouth and offend me all night long.  I wasn’t really offended, but if I weren’t trying to help him I would have been totally put off and offended.

Maybe guys should look at dating like they do job interviews. Sometimes it’s good to go to many job interviews, even for jobs they aren’t qualified for or interested in just for the practice. This way when the right girl comes along just like when the right job comes along they are prepared.  

My background is Human Resources and in school we did a lot of roll playing so we would know how to say thing so they are appropriate and non-offensive.  When I got into the work force my companies continued to have seminars and workshops to make sure we were up on the laws, because if we said the wrong thing and they took it the wrong way not only would we offend someone we would have a lawsuit on our hands.

I have come to realize that we all interact with others differently depending on our upbringing. I grew up with a very sarcastic father and in turn I am very sarcastic. I have been working on curbing my sarcasms because I have realized it is very offensive and hurtful to others.  Some people joke around a lot and grew up with siblings that picked on them so they are very joking and may easily offend someone who isn’t used to that type of interaction. On the other hand they may have grown such a tough skin, they may not even realize what they are doing is offensive, just like I never realized my mannerisms of sarcasm was offensive until someone pointed it out to me.

Dating a lot and having many relationships helps each of us in learning the appropriate ways of communicating with each other.  It would be nice if we could communicate with everyone the same way. This isn’t possible since we all have different backgrounds. Something that is offensive to one person may not be offensive to another.  So that girl that you called “Psycho Chick” may not be Psycho after all. Instead it may be the two of you just have different ways of communicating. Neither way is right or wrong it is just different.

If you get into a relationship with a “Psycho Chick” you have a choice. If you really love her and want to make the relationship work the two of you can talk about your different communication styles and both make some alterations to the way the two of you talk. Or you may choose to find someone who’s communication style mirrors yours and this way you can spend less time offending each other on accident.

I don’t want to be called a “Psycho Chick,” but some probably think this of me because I’m really sensitive. I am very sarcastic because that is how I learned to speak, but I don’t take sarcasm very well.  I know that is quite contradictory. I don’t have a thick skin and I don’t take jokes well or like being made fun of.  If you have had to acquire a thick skin due to having been picked on as a kid, I’m sorry. That really stinks, that was very cruel and unfair.  You can call it cursed or blessed that I didn’t build a wall around me to protect me from being hurt. I’m working on growing a thicker skin. I know it would be good for me to brush things off more. On the other hand being sensitive allows me to be sensitive to others. I am able to feel others pains and joys and that has been a blessing.  I’ve had some remarkable experiences feeling true empathy, not just sympathy and if I have that thick skin you are so proud of I may of not been able to have this eye opening experience. 

On the other hand if every girl you date turns out to be “Psycho Chick” then there is a good possibility you just have horrible communication skills and maybe it be best if you thought more before you spoke and consulting a good friend that has had more experience in dating and hasn’t dated every psycho chick other there may be a good idea. Also having some friends that are girls to help you roll play with is also a good idea.

All in all dating helps you figure these things out.

Hearing about the “Psycho Chick” and writing this blog I have learned a valuable lesson. I need to have friends and date people that have the same type of communication style as me. Relationships are complicated enough with out accidently offending each other due to different communication styles.  It’s not like looking at a person’s hair color; it will take time to get to know someone to figure out their communion style, but in the long run it sounds like it’s a good investment. I may not find someone’s that exactly mirrors mine, but the closer the better.

Takin the leap of faith

The God thing.

It all came about the other day when I read my horoscope.  I’ve never been into horoscopes and rarely read them, but I’ve been keeping up with my girlfriend and she’s been posting our horoscopes everyday on her Facebook page and they have really gotten me thinking.  This is what it said: “This is the right moment to extricate yourself from relationships that have seen their day, Pisces. This won't be easy, but you must.”  When I read it I pondered it and thought, I’m just not ready.

Yesterday I went to the doctor because my ear was hurting.  I really hate going to the doctors, but I really hate ear infections so the lesser of two evils won out. While I was there I also got my flu shot and later that evening I hung out with my girlfriend, which made the trip all worth it.   To my disappointment in a way I was told I didn’t have an ear infection. I know kind of weird to be disappointed about that, but that would have been a so much better diagnosis then what he did give me.  Instead he told me I have TMJ.  Not what I was expecting at all, but not surprised either. This just confirms to me that I stress way too much and I need to make some changes in my life quick before I end up with any more physical ailments.  I now know a little bit of how my girlfriend feels when she when to the fertility doctor and was told there is nothing physically wrong with you, your problem is you stress too much. I can totally see that being my problem.  Last time I was in to see the doctor I was told the reason I have acne at my age is due to stress.  I bet if I asked why I’m starting to get grey hairs he’d probably say that was due to stress too.  I already know the stomach aches and periods of being hungry all the time and other times of having no appetite are due to stress.  I already wear a night guard to protect my teeth because I grind them at night.  So, hearing one more doctor tell me that my physical aliments are due to stress I’m really thinking that now might be a good time to make some changes in my life.

For the last year and a half or so I have been living in limbo. Not fully married, but not fully single. It was like I had one foot on a boat that represented my new life and one foot on shore tying me to my old life.  Last week my paperwork finally arrived and I can finally hop aboard my new life, sort of. There is still paperwork to do. We’re still working on getting my name off the loan and changing beneficiaries on our life insurance and investments. And then of course there are still those dogs that tie us together.  The good thing about the dogs are for now I don’t have to commit to taking mine and he only goes out of town once or twice a month so that is so much easier then having to take care of my dog every day. 

As you know I’ve got a hard time with commitment.  I have a much easier time straddling.  I know in the back of my mind what I should do, but I’m scared to take that leap of faith.  Having faith is one thing, but taking the plunge is another thing.  I don’t like things that aren’t guarantees. I don’t like talking big risks.  And I don’t like the unknown.  I like having both hands on the wheel. I like being in control.   Letting go and giving someone else the reins is really hard for me. As much as I have faith in God, know that he lives and loves me and if I give my life to him he will take me where I need to be when I need to be there, I’m still scared.  Buying something sight unseen isn’t easy for me. I wasn’t to see it, feel it, taste it, etc.  On the other hand I have given my life to God in the past and it has taken me to where I needed to be and life was good, I was happy. About 16 months ago I jumped into the God thing with both feet. Life was totally crazy and chaotic, but I had peace in my life.  Following God’s commandments completely gave me direction and purpose and I was very happy.  Then recently I took the reins into my own hands and life has spun out of control.  I keep talking about getting my life back on track, but I still haven’t done it yet. I know what I need to do, but just haven’t had the will or motivation to do it.  I feel like I’m playing tug of war and I am the rope. I have one group pulling me this way and another pulling me that way.  Both sides are strong and neither side looks like they are going to give anytime soon.  Will I have the strength to be the tie breakers? And once I choose a side will I be able to stick with it?

Deep down I know what side I need to choose.  I need to jump on the “God Band Wagon” and when I do those on the other side that really care about me and that are really are my friends will jump on the “God Band Wagon” with me and support me.

Now I need to “JUST DO IT.” And soon as I do other things in my life will begin to fall into place. I’m not saying that soon as I make the leap of faith, my acne & TMJ will go along with all of my other physical ailments, but with time and some more changes to me they will dissipate over time.  I’ve still got a long journey to become the person I want to me. This will be an eternal journey.

I can’t keep putting it off. I need to make the jump today(Leap of Faith), before I get a better offer and get swept up into something else. So here it goes. I'm going to close my eyes, ignore the that the safety net has been pulled away and I'm ready to take the plunge. So, who’s behind me? 

Seeking Love

The best thing about being single AGAIN is the potential of falling in love.  Relationships are all a clean slate. I no longer have to plug along working with what I have, dealing with the cards I’ve been dealt, making unreasonable compromises, and enduring to the end. For those that are innocent and naive and who have never been in a committed long-term relationship I have one up on them. My prior relationships have blessed me with knowledge and wisdom.  I am better able to evaluate what I am willing to put up with, work with, and work around. I know no one is perfect and I don’t expect to find Mr. Perfect, I’m just looking for the perfect person for me. 

Being back in the game is fun and exciting.  We may mock or frown upon celebrities as they go in and out of relationships and marriages, but we should be happy for them that they haven’t given up on love and marriage.  

Some people shy away from relationships and marriage after they have had their heart broken. From experience I know that a truly broken heart isn’t the easiest thing to recover from.  On the other hand I can’t give up on love; because if I did I would loose faith in humanity and life it’s self.  To keep my self-going I need to believe that one day I will fall head over heels in love with a gorgeous hunk.  And he will feel the same way about me.   I'm not getting married this time because it logically makes sense.  I'm getting married this time for love. (Don't get me wrong I'm not going into this totally blind, I'm not going to be blinded by love and totally swept off my feet by some psycho, I'm not dumb.)

Thing are very different this time. I am a not the same person I was 7 years ago or 14 years ago. This time I’m NOT looking for someone to rescue me. I have a wonderful apartment that I love coming home to.   I have a job so I am able to support myself and I have health insurance. I have my independence. I am happy for the most part and healthy.   My self-worth goes up and down, but at least it goes up, so that is a plus.  

With that being said, bring it on!!!

If you're a hot LDS guy, seeking a life of fun,  laughter and adventure, 

I'm currently taking applications... 

You must be willing to work hard to keep me laughing, having fun, and just a hit it helps to shower me with romance.

I eagerly look forward to falling in love over and over again.

"Over the Hill"

It’s not easy to trying to meld one’s self back into the single scene after so many years of being married. All of a sudden not only am I not married, but I’m old.  I didn’t realize I was SO “Old” until I was denied entry into the YSA(Young Single Adult Group) at church.  It’s kind of a slap in the face when they tell you “You are too old” to be part of this group. So now I’m stuck back in the Family Group at church.  

I didn’t think it would bother me so much until I was told to my face on Sunday that I couldn’t be part of the YSA church group.  I had a feeling all along they would say that, but my friends convinced me ask and said they would make an exception for me.  I left church Sunday feeling like I had been branded. Or like a piece of paper work that got returned with a humongous  rubber stamp covering the front that said DENIED in big bright red letters.

I left church feeling pretty devastated. Once again I am banished to the family church group. I have been part of this group for the past 7 years and it’s been a struggle.  It wouldn’t have been such a struggle if I had local friends.  Many people have friends that they grew up with, went to college with, are neighbors, or work with.  I moved her 7 years ago leaving the few friends I had behind. And even then I didn’t have a lot of friends. I worked in Human Resources for years and it’s impossible to make friends with your coworkers when you are in a management position.  I also moved around a lot before then so all my friends from High school all went away for college and never came back. I went to college out of state so all the friends I made in college live across the country.  And other friends I had made in the singles groups over the years I lived in the area all moved away. So, when I moved here 7 years ago I was back in square 1, friendless. Thank goodness for phones and e-mail I was able to keep in touch with my out of the area friends, but it’s still not the same.  For the past 7 years I have struggled making friends.  I have been successful in making a few friends, but everyone is so busy with their families no one has time to really get together. My ex-husband on the other hand had lots of single friends either from high school that would come to town and they would hang out or go to Reno or to concerts, etc. He also easily made friends with his co-workers and they would go out to concerts, clubs, etc. And I even being married spent countless weekends home alone.  I’m just not a very outgoing person so at work I wasn’t very successful at making friends and those people I did meet, weren’t the type of people that I really wanted to spend time with out side of work.  So I turned to my church in search of finding and making friends. The roadblock that I ran into was they are all so busy with their families. Most of them have young children that need lots of attention and I don’t blame them. I totally understand. If I were them I’d probably be overly involved in my family and when I did get together with other people I would seek out other people with kids my children’s age so while we hung out they would be able to entertain themselves.

So after spending 7 years trying to fit into a family church I’m just not looking forward to going back to that environment. I guess I can just look at it in a different perspective and instead of church being a place to find a social network I can look at it as 3 hours of my Sunday to go and get spiritually enlightened. And take it as face value. Go to church for church and nothing more. Maybe if I looked at it in that way I’ll come to terms of what it really is and not be so bent out of shape about the whole situation and just seek friend elsewhere.

I know I shouldn’t of been going to the YSA activities until I got my divorce papers, but at least I’m not totally back to square 1.  I have made some friends over the past several months so that is good. If I hadn’t been going to the YSA actives I would be single living alone and totally friendless.  Back to sitting at home alone not only on the weekends but, all week long after I got home from work. Now that would be really depressing.   So there are some plusses to breaking the rules. I do have some regrets for how I conducted myself over the past several months. I have made some bad mistakes, but over all there has been more good that has come out of my actions then bad. Thanks to the friends I have made.

According to some I haven’t been totally banished from the YSA activities, but that is just here say.  I’m just not welcome to attend their Sunday church services.  Now I just have to figure out where to go from here.  

Ugly Prom Dress or Perfect Halloween Costume

I was in the thrift store on Saturday looking for the perfect pair of shoes to go with my new black dress when I spotted the perfect halloween costume.  Mind you I was on a mission to find the perfect shoes. My eyes were focused 100% on the shoe racks as I skillfully maneuvered around all the other patrons scouring for great finds. As I was walking to the next rack all of a sudden I was blinded by this bright light. Being a curious person, or is it easily distracted by shinny things, I ventured over to see what possibility could be blinding me in this bleak weather.  I could hardly believe my eyes as I came upon the most hideous sequenced dress.  I have seen many sequenced dresses donated to thrift stores in my days.What compels people to buy these awful dresses.  Normally dresses are so squished together in the racks that these awful dresses usually don’t catch my attention or the light, but this one was so fluffy that it pushed all the dresses aside.  So, to add to it being sequenced, it had the hugest flair coming from the bottom. On the other hand, having halloween on my mind, and remembering that my girlfriend talked about wanting to be a mermaid, seeing that it was turquoise and having this huge fluffy tail on the bottom. I put two and two together and thought: "This would make the perfect costume for Halloween." I’ll be a mermaid. To my shock the dress is just my size, which is pretty amazing.  Finding a dress my size is hard to come by at any store, and especially a thrift store.  I’m just not your standard size.  On the other hand it is a bit long, but I can always fix that by wearing high heels or a pair of scissors. Since it's Halloween and I'll be doing a lot of standing and walking and I am all about comfort I think I'll opt for just cutting it down to size with a pair of scissors.

I have to say I was a bit embarrassed as I carried it around the store.  I mean it’s huge and an eye sore.  To my amazement it fit like a glove. I have to say trying it on was a bit of a challenge. The thrift store's dressing rooms aren't made to accommodate people that are larger then life or dresses such as this.  So all of you that were at the store with me. I hope you enjoyed the show….

Now I have the perfect Halloween costume, but I have to wonder who it the world wore this dress to prom, and what were they thinking?  My girlfriend thinks it was a bridesmaid dress, it could of come from that movie 27 dresses, it is that awful. But, I’m thankful to the girl who didn’t burn it and decided to give it a new life at the thrift store.

I can’t wait for all of you to see this dress, you will be on the floor laughing, or envy me for having the perfect body to fit into a mermaid style dress.  I did some research and mermaid style dresses were very popular in the 1950's and 1960's and for you that have the right figure they can be very flattering and apparently you can still buy them today. I have to say you will not be seeing me in one outside of a halloween costume. 

I can finally say can’t wait till Halloween.  I don’t recall the last time I’ve looked forward to hitting up all the Halloween parties.  So, let all the invites come in.  Make your's  the best offer and I promise to come.  I'll be the one in the amazing costume.

How Men & Mother's are similar

Mother’s and Men are very similar in the aspect of they love giving unsolicited advice. Mom have one up on the men in the aspect of we as women will always love our mother’s and will continue going back to them. On the other hand men that continue to give unsolicited advice and drive us crazy we will do our bests to avoid them. We love a good conversation, we don’t always want to be right, but for the most part we aren’t masochists.

For years my mother has driven me crazy with her unsolicited and overall bad advice. I know she means well, but for some unknown reason what she means to say and what she really says and portrays seem to be two different things. On the other hand I am a masochist in the sense of I keep going back to her wanting her approval. I must be crazy.

One thing that drives me crazy is someone telling me how to do my job. Or giving me advice on how to do my job. I realize now that this wouldn’t be an issue if I never talked about my job.  The problem is I have this friend that asks how my day went and I out of habit tell him how it went. And him being a “typical male” proceeds to give me advice. Right off the bat, I know the solution to my problem. Don’t talk about my job. That would be the easy fix and would save me lots of headache.  On the other hand I am one of those people who is able to solve their problems for the most part by talking them out.  So talking about my work or what ever is bothering me in the past has been very beneficial.   I want to continue being friends with this person, but if this continues and I am more annoyed with them after talking to them then it’s just not going to work.  I have tried to talk to them and explain what is going on. And they are aware that if I wanted advice about something I prefer my story with “I need your help,” “What do you think,” What do you suggest,” etc. I make it very clear at the beginning of my story that I am seeking advice. And they have told me that they are well aware of when I am seeking advice and when I’m not by how I preface things, but they said that they are a “typical male,” and being such will give advice.  I have nothing against men, and I want a man to be a “Typical male” in many aspects, but if they want to be on my good side, and want to continue to spend time with me then they need to curb their maleness in this field.

I know as a women there are many times that we know a better, similar, and quicker way to do things On the other hand we have also learned that if we want men to do things we should keep our mouth shut.  And Men know that if they do something bad or wrong enough the typical women will say,  “never mind, I’ll do it myself.” I picked up on this ploy years ago and have learned to pick and choose my battles and I too do something so bad and so wrong so he will say, “never mind, I’ll do it myself.” It’s amazing at how we can win at their own games. My ex finally picked up on how I won him at his own game, and my response was, “you taught me well.”

If you don’t know what I’m talking about here are some real life examples that you may be able to relate or you have seen played out growing up as a kid. For the most part a man and a women will load the dishwasher two totally different ways.  But if a women complains on how the man loads the dishwasher she will end up being the one who always does the dishes. For me, I have learned not to look at the dishwasher and how it is loaded and this way I’m not annoyed and if the dishes need to be rewashed that’s ok.  That is one last thing I have to do.   The same thing goes with cooking.  If he wants to follow the recipe to the “T” and level all the cups and measuring spoons, weigh out everything, etc. That is ok with me, that is not how I cook, on the other hand I am just happy to enjoy a home cooked meal.  One thing that many people can’t get past is how the toilet paper is placed on the spindle. For me as long as there is a roll close to the toilet I am happy, and if you actually took the time to put it on the spindle I am even more happy. For me as long as I am not stranded with out tp, I am a happy.

Getting my life back on track.

(Written Thursday) I am slowly getting my life back on track. It’s amazing how one’s life can quickly spin out of control in such a short amount of time.  I still haven’t made it back to the gym in over a month, but I’ll work up to that. I don’t want to do too much at once and overwhelm myself and then just not do anything. So, today I finally got back on the stair stepper. I can’t believe how long I have neglected exercising.  This is a step in the right direction. The next step will be getting to bed earlier so I can get up earlier and get my day started sooner. If I’m going to be putting in 40hrs a week I’m going to need to get to work earlier.   And it’s not like I don’t have work piling up. I really do. I really need to prove to my boss that I can get things done in a timely manner. I’ve got 3 transcriptions that have been sitting and waiting for me to do.  I am such a preacher on not procrastination and I am the biggest hypercritic.  I am a much better at dishing out advice then taking my own or other’s advice. Going on a social hiatus from the single scene should help me get my life back on track.  I have made it a point to not date till I got my paperwork, but that doesn’t mean I made my self a social outcast. I have kept myself busy hanging out with friends and going to activities. Now, I’m going to take a break from that and get my life back on track.  As much as I’d love to go to my friend’s house Friday night and carve pumpkins, I think it would be best for me to hang out at home and sort through that box of papers that needs to be filed.  I know, not the most fun activity I can plan for the weekend, but it really needs to be done. I’ve been putting it off forever and the pile is really stacking up.  I’m ready to go. I have gathered together a file box, hanging folders, clear tabs, paper to put in those tabs, folders to put in the hanging folders and the label maker.  Did you see the Seinfeld episode about the Label Maker; well I thought to make my evening more complete I will borrow a Label maker and go town.

Let’s see what really happens on Friday. I’m still tempted to put off filing, yet again and Carve pumpkins. That sounds so much more fun.  Or I can go out in search of those red shoes that my girlfriend suggested. There are just so many options. And if you read my blog post yesterday you will know that I easily swayed and spontaneous. 

Jump in Feet First

I’m rarely one of those people who dangle their legs or test the waters with their toes, unless it’s a cold swimming pool.  I’m one of those people who will jump in feet first.  The problem or blessing of jumping into quick sand is you get the thrill of the jump, but then as you slowly sink in you have way too much time to think about what you just did. This is the pattern in my life.  When I jump into the wrong thing it slowly eats at me till I figure out how to pull myself out of the quicksand.  Usually it’s not me pulling myself out; it’s usually my friends or God.  And many times the hand to get out doesn’t come immediately. God seems to like for me to suffer for a long time so I can really realize what I’ve done wrong, in hopes that he won’t have to pull me out again. The good thing is so far I’ve always had an extra lifeline. 

Jumping into something with both feet and sticking with it can be a very good thing. Like when you are a student.  Teachers love it when you do the reading assignments and homework and that is when you learn the most. Being fully committed to a healthy lifestyle is very beneficial. By exercising on a regular basis and eating right you can avoid high blood pressure and cholesterol. 

One example of a good thing I jumped into with both feet was going on a mission for my church.  I jumped in with both feet prior to going. The year before I left I studied, took classes and totally prepared myself. When I got there I was 200% focused. I gave it my all. I was totally dedicated. My companions would say I was a bit over the top when it came to keeping rules. I saw everything as black and white and I did my best to keep all the rules to the “T.”  Over time I did ease up some and was able to go with the flow more and wasn’t so ridged.  Going on a mission was very tough and if I could do it all over again with the knowledge I have now I would do lots of things different.  In the end I am glad I went. I learned a lot and was blessed for my efforts.

Going along with this subject I have to say I am also easily persuaded and get caught up in the moment lots of times.  I recently realized that I am very spontaneous.  This personality trait has its pros and cons. I am a lot of fun to be around and life with me is never dull.  (I also like planning things out in advance so my life isn’t totally “fly by the seat of your pants.” I do have a calendar and if something is written on it, you can be assured that I will be there.)  On the other hand I have a tendency to do things with out thinking.  The bad thing is since I am easily persuaded; I do things that I end up regretting in the long run. 

In addition I have a tendency to come up with these grand ideas that will make life easier for people and they seem to backfire way too many times for my liking.  This has revealed it’s self time and time again these past 6 years.

In addition to being spontaneous. I also love trying new things and exploring new places.  Most recently I have enjoyed trying new ethnic foods. I’m not into eating weird crazy stuff like they sell at the fair. I may not try chocolate covered bacon or fried frogs legs.  On the other hand I’ve been exploring new Thai dishes and Indian cuisine.   Over the past couple of years I have cooked with spices and vegetables I have never heard of.  For the most part I have been delighted with some new meals.  On occasion there are those few dishes that I won’t even eat.  A few years back I came started cooking this dish that used lentils and I thought it smelled awful and wouldn’t even try it.  Over the last couple of years I have warmed up to it and now really enjoy Moroccan chicken and lentils.

Now that I am aware that I am easily persuaded and have a tendency to jump into things with out thinking I really need to be more careful.  Next time the road to safety may not be so easy. 

I wish I can just leave it at next time; the truth is I’m still in the process of digging myself out of my current situation.   It’s not over yet. Wish me luck.

That's just not funny

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  That’s a myth.  I have tried and tried to be one of those people that just doesn’t care what someone says about me, but it doesn’t work. I’m just not a let it roll off my back type of person. I’m just a very sensitive person.  I don’t like getting picked on and made fun of.   It is easier for me to ignore things said by people I don’t know then by my friends or so called friends.  I do my best to avoid people that like to tease others. I’m not saying that you have to walk on eggshells when you are around me, but there are certain topics that really push my buttons.  Off of the top of my head here are just a few topics that some people enjoy joking around about, but I just don’t find them funny:

• ·      How I raise/care for my dog
• ·      My weight
• ·      How I exercise
• ·      Food and my eating habits
• ·      Pediflers
• ·      Mental Illness
• ·      Incest

Here is a list of things that might come up in conversation and when they do you will notice a transformation in me. I all of a sudden become irritated and upset and by the time the conversation is over I’m grouchy. Think Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  If you believe in it I have it.

• ·      The neighbor from hell
• ·      Backyard ponds and how it was his hobby
• ·      Your opinion that I wasn’t in an abusive relationship just because I wasn’t admitted into the hospital
• ·      Your opinion of my ex wasn’t an alcoholic because he wasn’t falling down drunk
• ·      Your opinions of doctor prescribed Medication
• ·      Your theory on depression and anxiety and how it’s just in one’s head and if you pray enough or change your mind you will be all better.

Another one bites the dust

I am not a fan of mice in my home or office. They poop all over, eat electrical wires, phone wires, boxes, carpet, and my food. After spending too much time cleaning up their poop in my office and having to throw out my boss’s favorite couch they destroyed I have resorted to traps to catch the pesky critters.  So, far I have caught one.  Last week I witnessed another mouse run by me desk several times.  Not wanting to have to re-home another mouse I thought of a better plan. I would leave my office door open with the hopes of the mouse would see an escape from me and run out the door and find a new home elsewhere in our building. I think my planned worked. For the next two days I was mouse free. This morning I checked the mousetrap and to my disappointment I had caught another mouse. As I moved the fridge out of the way so I could re-home the pesky critter I realized he wasn’t attached to my trap. The first thing that crossed my mind was great I can re-use the mousetrap.  After I re-homed my pesky friend I examined the trap to make sure it was still in working order.  I noticed that there was an electrical cord dangling above my trap. To prevent it from getting caught in my trap I tried to move it. Soon as I touched it sparks whet flying and it smelled like something was burning.  I immediately dropped it, but it was still hovering over my trap.   I know it’s not the smartest thing to do, but what choice did I have, but to grab it again and yank it out of the wall? After close examination of the cord I realized that the mouse didn’t just happened to drop dead next to my mouse trap, but got shocked to death after munching on my cord. 

I did think it odd that the mouse wasn’t attached to the trap, but I really have better things in life then to concern myself of why there is a dead mouse next to a mouse trap, that is the reason I set the trap out. In all honesty, I really don’t care how the mouse died. I was just happy to have him dead instead of running by my desk at lightening speed and preventing me from yet another day of being unable to concentrate at work.  Thankfully for all of you that were puzzled by dead mouse next to trap, you can sleep well tonight knowing how Mr. Mouse spent his last moments.