I really try to portray myself as this very confident woman, but that’s not the case most of the time. I try to cover-up my fear and lack of self-confidence by humor and an outgoing personality. My mom says I’d make a great actress because I can put on a great show. If you spend the time to get to know me I do have certain looks that will give it all away, but you really have to get to know me to see through the facade. I have lots of fears and self-doubt. I know some of my fears are totally unwarranted and totally unrealistic, but they are my fears. We all have them. Some people fear heights, boats, water, spiders, open spaces, etc. To make these fears sound more official or warranted they come up with all these fancy names such as agoraphobic and arachnophobia. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how convincing we are and how much we love a person we may never be able to talk away some people’s fears. Everyone needs to overcome his or her fears on their own timetables.
So, why is it I can’t be talk out of my fears, but can so easily be talked into doing so much other stuff. It’s doesn’t make any sense. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I think this goes both ways. Seriously if you offer me a good meal I can be talked into doing stuff, going places, and spending time with someone that I wouldn’t agree to previously. Like the other night. I should have kept my nose to the grindstone and worked late, but when 6pm rolled around, I was starving and an offer was made to have dinner, I caved in. I put my work aside and went out to dinner. I figured there was no real point to keep working when all I could think about was food. I am such a push over sometimes. It’s not good. I totally paid the price today. Getting in early to work didn’t allow me enough time to finish the project. To compensate I worked late tonight and the project still isn’t done. I seriously need to organize my time better. And it’s not all my fault either. My boss wants this transcription done and doesn’t understand what is taking me so long. But, ever time I try to spend time working on it he has something else he wants me to get done. He just doesn’t get, that if work on something else then this won’t get done. I think he thinks I can do it all at once. He just doesn’t realize how much time everything takes. Not remembering what he asks me to do doesn’t help either. It’s so frustrating. He wants me to read his mind and that is just not going to happen. The bad part is he just doesn’t get why I can’t read his mind. According to him his last admin did. Apparently I’m just not that good. Or he just has a selective memory. The thing is he used be a contractor and had his own business and she was his admin helping to run his business. My guess is after working for him for so many years she got the routine down and was able to follow protocol. Since then he retried from the contracting business and my job mostly is to help him with his family history. His biggest challenge and mine too is his memory is going and he forgets a lot and can’t find stuff on his computer and that is very frustrating. He accidently drags and drops things on his computer and/or forgets where he saves them so we spend lots of time searching for missing pictures and files.
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