It all came about the other day when I read my horoscope. I’ve never been into horoscopes and rarely read them, but I’ve been keeping up with my girlfriend and she’s been posting our horoscopes everyday on her Facebook page and they have really gotten me thinking. This is what it said: “This is the right moment to extricate yourself from relationships that have seen their day, Pisces. This won't be easy, but you must.” When I read it I pondered it and thought, I’m just not ready.
Yesterday I went to the doctor because my ear was hurting. I really hate going to the doctors, but I really hate ear infections so the lesser of two evils won out. While I was there I also got my flu shot and later that evening I hung out with my girlfriend, which made the trip all worth it. To my disappointment in a way I was told I didn’t have an ear infection. I know kind of weird to be disappointed about that, but that would have been a so much better diagnosis then what he did give me. Instead he told me I have TMJ. Not what I was expecting at all, but not surprised either. This just confirms to me that I stress way too much and I need to make some changes in my life quick before I end up with any more physical ailments. I now know a little bit of how my girlfriend feels when she when to the fertility doctor and was told there is nothing physically wrong with you, your problem is you stress too much. I can totally see that being my problem. Last time I was in to see the doctor I was told the reason I have acne at my age is due to stress. I bet if I asked why I’m starting to get grey hairs he’d probably say that was due to stress too. I already know the stomach aches and periods of being hungry all the time and other times of having no appetite are due to stress. I already wear a night guard to protect my teeth because I grind them at night. So, hearing one more doctor tell me that my physical aliments are due to stress I’m really thinking that now might be a good time to make some changes in my life.
For the last year and a half or so I have been living in limbo. Not fully married, but not fully single. It was like I had one foot on a boat that represented my new life and one foot on shore tying me to my old life. Last week my paperwork finally arrived and I can finally hop aboard my new life, sort of. There is still paperwork to do. We’re still working on getting my name off the loan and changing beneficiaries on our life insurance and investments. And then of course there are still those dogs that tie us together. The good thing about the dogs are for now I don’t have to commit to taking mine and he only goes out of town once or twice a month so that is so much easier then having to take care of my dog every day.
As you know I’ve got a hard time with commitment. I have a much easier time straddling. I know in the back of my mind what I should do, but I’m scared to take that leap of faith. Having faith is one thing, but taking the plunge is another thing. I don’t like things that aren’t guarantees. I don’t like talking big risks. And I don’t like the unknown. I like having both hands on the wheel. I like being in control. Letting go and giving someone else the reins is really hard for me. As much as I have faith in God, know that he lives and loves me and if I give my life to him he will take me where I need to be when I need to be there, I’m still scared. Buying something sight unseen isn’t easy for me. I wasn’t to see it, feel it, taste it, etc. On the other hand I have given my life to God in the past and it has taken me to where I needed to be and life was good, I was happy. About 16 months ago I jumped into the God thing with both feet. Life was totally crazy and chaotic, but I had peace in my life. Following God’s commandments completely gave me direction and purpose and I was very happy. Then recently I took the reins into my own hands and life has spun out of control. I keep talking about getting my life back on track, but I still haven’t done it yet. I know what I need to do, but just haven’t had the will or motivation to do it. I feel like I’m playing tug of war and I am the rope. I have one group pulling me this way and another pulling me that way. Both sides are strong and neither side looks like they are going to give anytime soon. Will I have the strength to be the tie breakers? And once I choose a side will I be able to stick with it?
Deep down I know what side I need to choose. I need to jump on the “God Band Wagon” and when I do those on the other side that really care about me and that are really are my friends will jump on the “God Band Wagon” with me and support me.
Now I need to “JUST DO IT.” And soon as I do other things in my life will begin to fall into place. I’m not saying that soon as I make the leap of faith, my acne & TMJ will go along with all of my other physical ailments, but with time and some more changes to me they will dissipate over time. I’ve still got a long journey to become the person I want to me. This will be an eternal journey.
I can’t keep putting it off. I need to make the jump today(Leap of Faith), before I get a better offer and get swept up into something else. So here it goes. I'm going to close my eyes, ignore the that the safety net has been pulled away and I'm ready to take the plunge. So, who’s behind me?
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