The Wave

What is the Wave? The wave is something we are all looking for when we get into a social situation. I think there was a Seinfeld episode about this. It is the slight nod of the head of approval. The smile or the twinkle of the eyes that says that you are doing a good job. The good old thumbs up sign. And ultimately the wave is the motioning of the hand that says come over and join us.

I got together with a girlfriend of mine the other night and she comment on how outgoing I am. She remembers me as a very shy kid growing up.  The truth is it all depends on the situation as to how I act or react to those around me. While at her house I felt very comfortable, even thought I hadn’t seen her in over ten years and I have never met her husband or children before. Their family just made me feel at ease and I was able to be myself. Her husband is really into food storage and I am interested also so I was able to easily carry on a lively conversation with him.

Just a few hours earlier I went to church in a new building with a whole group of people I have never met and felt very uncomfortable and awkward. It was so bad that after the first hour I ran out. I just couldn’t handle the uneasiness anymore.

My level of comfort and my personality differs with the environment I am in.  It wasn’t until I wrote my last blog post entitled “Psycho Chick” that I have ever spent so much time analyzing how I act differently in different environments.  I was talking to another friend the other night and he said that his personality also alters with the company he is in. His underlying personality always stays the same, but the jokes he tells and what he talks about changes depending on his company.  I completed him on this. As he is one who likes to joke around a lot with people and learning that I don’t deal well with that type of attention he doesn’t do this with me.  At the same time when we are together he always seems at ease, he never seems like he is walking on egg shells with me, he still jokes around and we laugh a lot together and are very relaxed in each other’s presences. He doesn’t have to strain himself to be with me and it isn’t exhausting being my friend. I asked him how he is able to alter his personality with his environment so well and he said it comes through experience and maturity.  I told him he needs to teach a class, because I’ve come across several people lately and many people in my life that need some assistance in this area.  (The frustrating part in life is you really can’t teach experience and maturity, it is something that takes time.  That is when patience kicks in. We need to have patience as we experience life and learn the life lessons we were sent here on earth to learn.)

Some people think I am very out going and I can walk up to anyone and strike up a conversation.   As you can see from what I wrote above it all depending on the situation/circumstances and how the person holds them selves and what vibe they let off.

The other night I went to a Young Single Adult Halloween Party at Church. There were several people I knew and felt comfortable walking up to and talking too.  And there were other people that made them selves appear unapproachable.  The approachable people differ significantly from the unapproachable in how they hold themselves and whom they surround themselves with. It is much easier for me to go up to a person who is sitting or standing alone then to walk up to a table of people all chatting, especially if there is no empty seat. On the other hand I hate being the one sitting or standing alone. I feel so self-conscious and uncomfortable that I do my best to look busy when I’m alone. So if you see me hanging around the food or hiding in the bathroom or leaving early it’s because I don’t feel like I fit in and am quite embarrassed.

The honest truth is I feel uncomfortable a lot of the time when I attend large social gatherings alone or even with just one other person. Unless I arrive or meet up with a group of friends I feel very awkward at house parties, church, dances, etc.  Lately I have forced myself to attend these types of events in hopes that I will create the circle of friends and have as much fun as the people around me appear to be having. 

The house party is a whole new concept for me. Until a few months back I have never attended a party that I knew just a few people.  All the parties I have attended I was friends or at least associated with 99% of the people. The 1% was new girlfriend or boyfriends that circulated in and out of the group.

After college I moved home and worked and attended a Young Single Adult Church group and it was uncomfortable at first, but I was quickly included part of George’s group.  He was this overly friendly, funny, loving guy who was full of life and knew how to have a good time. He was nice and friendly with everyone. You didn’t have to be drop-dead gorgeous, rich, drive the right car or wear the right clothing or anything like that to be part of his group. He had to be since he befriended me.  I was a no body.  I wasn’t rich, popular, dress to the 9’s. I was just the shy girl next door. Who didn’t talk till she someone approached her.

George was amazing. He was so charismatic. He did have a core group of friends that got together and hung out all the time at each other’s houses, at the dances, and activities. Wherever they were that was where the party was at and I was fortunate enough to be apart of that.  Were we really the popular ones? Probably not, but we had our group and that was all that mattered. We also weren’t the gossipers or the one’s that made fun of, excluded, or picked on others. We didn’t need too. We had our own lives to deal with. Some of us were college graduates like myself trying to figure out what to do next, others were just out of high school trying to figure out if college was right for them, others were preparing for a mission, some were working just to pay the bills, some had gone to some college and had come home not knowing if college was right for them, others had just come home from their missions and not knowing where to go next, everyone was at a different place in their lives trying to figure out what now. 

The sad thing for me and the happy thing for him was he got married and moved out of the singles group. That was a sad time for everyone. The group slowly disintegrated as others left on their missions, went away to college and moved.

I yearn to be part of that group again. I know I can't get it back, so I've been activity seeking out another George. For a little bit I thought I found one, but then to my dismay their true colors came out and they were nothing like the George I loved and wanted to be associated with.

I feel awkward meeting new people, I don’t like to be rejected.  As much as I feel awkward and don’t like these things I’ve been forcing myself to attend more social events in hopes of meeting people and making friends and thus I won’t feel so uncomfortable.  I see people go to these events all the time and appear to have so much fun and I yearn to have lots of fun so I go in hopes I will be experience the fun that they appear to be having.

Many times I feel shy and uncomfortable, but I see people smiling and laughing and having a good time around me so I want to join in. I want to be one of the “in” people. The group that is laughing and having fun. I don’t know how to do this other than jumping in and trying to blend in. In hopes that they will accept me. I love being the one who is being waved at to come over when I walk into a room. So I try to do that with others.

I went to a party the other night at a girl’s house that I didn’t even know and from the doorway she gave me the wave. That really made me feel included at the party.  She didn’t even know me and she wanted me to join in. Wow, is that a boost of self confidence or what?!

I don’t know if I will ever be able to find another George, he was really unique and special.

I should probably tell you a little more about George. You may be surprised to know that by the world’s standards George isn’t the iconic man. He isn’t tall dark and handsome. He isn’t rich by the world’s standards. He didn’t come dressed to church in designer suits or drive the fancy red sports car.  By the world’s standards he is just like me just another guy(0k, I’m a girl, but you get it). But to me, he is everything I want to be.

I have spent much of my life feeling alone and hating it.  So, I try to be a George as much as I can.  When I was going to the Young Single Adult Group on Sunday I try to look around the room and catch people’s eye and smile at them. When it’s appropriate I wave them over and have them join me and who ever I am with. More the merrier is my motto.  I try to get everyone who is sitting alone to come join me because I always hated sitting alone.  I try to keep my eye on the door so when someone new walks in alone they will see me smiling and waving at them and they will have a destination and not feel dumb like I do when I walk into an activity alone. And maybe others aren’t as self-conscious as I am and maybe some people like spending time alone in a group. If that is the case then I am happy for them, but just in case they do feel like me then I want to help them feel included like I want to feel included.