Unnecessary Risks

I’ve been asked if I have a problem giving my heart away due to having my heart broken so many times.  Everyone has there own experience with broken hearts. Some people have the horrible experience of being madly in love with someone and then all of a sudden that person disappears from their life. This could be due to a tragedy such as death, illness, accidents, or the person walking out of their lives.   This past weekend I was at a Women’s Conference and one of the women talked about her experience with loss.  She lost her husband in a climbing accident. He was young, healthy, an experienced climber. His death was totally unexpected. There is no way I can fully comprehend her pain.  I have never had a loved one taken away from me in an instant. I have lost some loved ones due to death, but they were old and it was their time.  I have never been in a relationship that ended abruptly. All relationships I have been a part of ran their course and deteriorated over time.  With that being said after this last marriage I am in no way suffering from a broken heart. I was the one who once again walked away from an abusive husband.

I do fear getting married again for the wrong reason.  So in a way I am a bit more protective of my heart then I have been in the past.  Neither of my husbands truly captured my heart and then smashed it.  My last one did crush my dream of living happily ever after in a way.  No one gets married to get divorced. We do all that we can to make it work.  No one wants to fail in marriage. Making the decision to end one’s marriage isn’t easy. I think it was a harder decision for me to get divorced then to get married.  When you decide to get married, the whole world is ahead of you.  When you decide to get divorced your whole world has just come tumbling down around you.

Back to the question.  I do not have a problem giving my heart away. Falling in love is fun. It’s the best feeling in the world. At the same time, after a recent experience that didn’t involve a broken heart, I am guarding my heart.  Over the summer someone brought to my attention that someone in the church gave a talk on not taking unnecessary risks.   At the time we were talking about skydiving and I was asking him if he wanted to go.  I’m not your usual thrill seeker. I don’t even like roller coasters.  But, my boss brought up sky diving as being one of the items on his bucket list and I’ve been seriously considering it.  I was recently reflecting on this idea of not taking unnecessary risks.  As I was reviewing my life I realized that I might not seek after adventures like in the movie “Jackass,” but I take unnecessary risks in other areas, such as dating.  The more I think about it the wearier I am of dating.  I fear so much more then a broken heart. I fear they will take my life in a direction I don’t want to go. I have worked so hard to get my life on track that I seriously fear being guided off course.  Obviously I’m not blind and I would never let them put a fork in the road, but I know I can easily caught up in emotion so I am trying my best to keep my emotions in check.  And that is why kissing has been put on hold since kissing is such an emotional activity. But, it is also something I love doing so it’s a tough one. Somehow I need to figure out balance.