Way too much empathy

If you read my last blog post you will recall I was talking about have empathy for others. This got me thinking this morning that maybe I had the following horrific experience so I could experience empathy for someone else.  There just has to be a very good reason as why I had to experience this.

You may have heard of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in relation to men in the military and thought it was a joke.  Well, I can testify it isn’t. It’s very real and not a very fun thing. I experienced it myself after living next to the Neighbor from hell for around 5 years. For five years he threatened my life and was really mean and obnoxious in his words and deeds. I called the police many times on him, but due to I had no proof and it was his word against mine nothing could be done. I regret not getting video surveillance. My husband did go over and talk to him once and he told my husband to beat me, that is what he does and it works.  I also regret not moving. I was so paranoid about money and selling prior to being there for 2 years and then the houses we looked at were a lot more and then I would have to go back to work full time in corporate America we thought it was best to just stay and endure. I now look back and think that was a bad decision.   They finally moved after 5 years. That was 5 years of hell for me. It was horrific. I was afraid to go outside. For the most part I stayed at home with all the doors and windows shut and the house alarm set.  To add to the stress of fearing for my life for 5 years it also caused a big strain on our marriage. My husband at times also ganged up against me with our neighbor and was mad at me on how I landscaped our yard. The reality is even if I didn’t landscape our yard how I did our neighbor would have given us hell. The week we moved in he left an anonymous note on our door chewing us out for something we didn’t even do. So it was pure hatred from the start. We tried to be nice. Invite them over, ect. But, in the end he needed someone to hate and we were the lucky targets.

Prior to my landscaping the back yard the first time I did tons of research and drew out a plan on how it would look and he said he loved it so I did it. Then when it was done he tells me that he never really paid attention to the plan that I showed him and now that he looked at it didn’t like it at all.  Being the new wife I wanted him to live a happy stress free life and to have what ever he wanted. So if he wanted flowers here, and then flowers there the next week. I moved them.  I spent 5 years fearing for my life and trying to get the yard just perfect for my husband.   I gave him a pond, then a bigger pond.

Life wasn’t all bad. I did love working in the yard. The horrific part was after it was all done him not being happy with it and wanting something else. To add to it I have horrible allergies.

Living in fear is one thing, but when the problem is gone you’d think that all would be well in paradise. I should have been able to be able to breath a sigh of relief.  But, I couldn’t. I despised the yard. I hated the yard. I wanted to move to just get away from it all. I wanted to run away from it all.   (And of course there is more to the story. If you followed my other blog you know the pond story.)  The whole situation left me quite traumatized.  I guess I should have dealt with it at the time. I should not have let it persist for 5 years. 5 years of that kind of stress would drive anyone crazy, but I survived at least in a physical senses. I was alive.  Mentally fried, but alive. I never did seek help to recover for the trauma.  I figured it was time to move on. There was nothing I can do to change the past and talking about it just stresses me out so I try my best to forget about it and move on. I next threw my self into serving others.

At this time my Grandmother’s health was deteriorating so I spent a lot of time caring for her. I also had a neighbor that needed my assistance in caring for her son and driving her to her classes.  I am glad I was able to assist them both, but looking back I realize that I need to do things more in moderation and take time for myself. I was so busy serving first my husband, then my grandmother then my neighbor that I neglected myself. 

Some people compare it to a bucket. If you completely drain it you have nothing for yourself and nothing to offer others. Right after my grandmother passed away and after caring for my neighbors son and taking her to her classes for 6 months I lost it. I ran out of steam. I had nothing left to give. And that puts me at 2008 where I returned to the doctor.

I tried to let go of some of my duties and care more for myself, but it wasn’t easy. I was so compelled to serve my husband that instead of being a conscious thing it was a subconscious thing. It was like I was on autopilot. It took me 2 years to slowly wean myself off of him. If you want you can think of my serving my husband and others as an addiction. You try to stop, but you can’t, at times you don’t even notice you are doing it. And as much as you know you are addicted and want to stop you can’t.

I am still working on adjusting to my new life addiction free. I am still trying to juggle everything to create a balanced life for myself. I still haven’t gotten it down, but I’m working on it. With allergy season upon me it’s hard to think straight and I am tired all of the time that it is really hard to fit everything in. I am so unmotivated, lazy, and tired. I want so much to exercise everyday and was hoping to do it in the morning, but I wake up late and exhausted, it takes all I have just to get out of bed and to work. And when I’m driving I have to say I’m not all there. My mind it going all over, thoughts don’t connect. I was driving to work today and couldn’t recall if I took my allergy meds. I can picture myself taking them, but was that today or yesterday, but I swore I forgot to take them yesterday, but now I’m all mixed up and can’t remember.

I’m trying to get back into sewing because I really love it. I also need to figure out how to fit cooking into my schedule. I have food in my freezer that I made, but I’m really sick of it, but just not so motivated to make time to cook some new foods. Good thing my boss brings me lunch lots of time. That makes one less meal I have to worry about.  I am seriously blessed on that front.  It may not be the best meals, but it’s better then the alternative of not eating because then I have issues with my blood sugar dropping and well that is just not good, I get beyond grouchy when that happens.

So here I am trying to piece my life together. Trying to understand myself better so I don’t make the same mistakes I did in my past.  If I can learn from these experiences and come out with an “A” so to speak then these life lessons were well worth it. If I have learned nothing than all this time has been wasted and all of this stress was for null. I also keep in mind that God has a plan for me, he has to, that idea is what keeps me going. Thus if this has been his plan all along then there were lessons I needed to learn. I hope I learned them as I sure don’t want to have to go through that kind of trauma again.  Living in fear of one’s life for a long period of time is not something I wish upon anyone. I also believe that we cross paths with those we do for a reason. I may not ever understand God’s plan, but having faith that everything happens for a reason and it’s all been specially orchestrated by him gives me comfort that I am not doing this all for nothing.

Relatively speaking I am still young and have packed a lot of life lessons into my life so far. Hopefully by my reviewing my life and understanding myself, why I do what I do I take a step up and in the right direction so as the remaining years will be more blissful.  Life will not be with out lessons, I just hope that by going through these experience I have, that I have learned something about me and how I operate so as not to put myself in these situations again where I end up shutting down.

I still really don’t get me. If someone could explain why I do what I do please jump in and explain it to me.  If you have a better grasp of me I could use all the help I can get.  This is what I have come up with so far.

I just fear not understanding me. Not being able to prevent myself from crashing again.  I want so much to be happily and to find my own happily ever after. What ever that may be.