Day x of caring for me.

 Well, things aren’t going as planned. Things are so much easier said then done. I wish I could say I kept on with it and got on the stair stepper yesterday and today, but that is not the case. Yesterday I did try to schedule in another massage as I really needed it, but couldn’t seem to fit it in. I did make it to the temple last night as I’ve been trying to go weekly and have been since before and after our trip, on our trip was difficult as we weren’t always close enough to get to one. We did manage to visit the London temple. An even better perk was I was able to come straight home after work and I had about an hour before I had to get to the temple so I plopped down on the couch. I nuked a meal I had gotten the day before that I stacked away in the work fridge and life was good for an hour as I vegged out eating yummy Indian food and watching NCIS. I love that show. Back to the food situation. As my goal was to cook and eat.  Well, that hasn’t been happening, but so far it’s been working out. My boss has been providing lunches for me so depending on how hungry I am I can either eat them or save them for dinner. The other day my boss sent me out to get him a sandwich and something for myself. As I had brought my lunch I still got something for myself, but saved it for dinner.  So that is what I ate for dinner last night.

Another perk of yesterday was I got to chat with a girlfriend of mine. As I was helping her out I think I helped myself out just as much. Saying things that I needed to hear to get my life back on track. It’s amazing how God gives us friends to help us as we help them.  On the outside it looks like our struggles and journeys are so different, but then when we really talk we realize we are both struggling with a lot of the same things.

Last night after the temple I spent a long time texting another girl friend of mine. It’s amazing at how not alone I am as much as I really feel sometimes. I really do have some amazing friends.

When I signed up for this partners group I’m going to begin attending July 5^th they gave me a binder of stuff. I looked at it a little, but was a bit overwhelmed to really dig in. Last night I took out one of the enclosed booklets entitled “The Toolbox for Partners” and started reading it. Very interesting stuff. I feel so ignorant and after reading it so informed. I had no idea what I was feeling and why I was feeling like I was and wow, this booklet really explained a lot to me.  There is so much I can do to  so I don’t have to keep suffering as much as I am.  I had no idea that all of these feelings were all connected to being married to an addict.  Wow, my eyes were really opened. I am beginning to understand myself a lot better now. I had no idea.   Not only is this group going to educate me on my husband’s addiction. It is also going to provide tools to help me learn ways to take care of myself as well as limit the damage in our relationship. It seems that unlike addicts who have an addictive cycle, “partners of addicts often find themselves slipping into a cycle of obsessive thinking.”  There is a list of 4 steps they give to obtain personal healing. 1. Get educated 2. Develop a network or support 3. Build self worth 4. Healing wounds past and present.

Number 4 caught my eye. It says “As a partner of an addict, you have been betrayed and deceived.” I guess this would explain my anger and feelings of loss and a broken heart. Feelings I didn’t predict. And yes there is much more that is going on that I am not saying here. And there are things that have happened and have been said to valid my anger and frustration. At times I think I should not be feeling this way, then I remember things that were said or that happened and I think oh yea I am not over reaction or being unrealistic I have all the right in the world to feel this way. The problem I have is I have a tendency to forgive and to forget when I really should be remembering so I understand my future or repressed feelings.  And it’s not that I consciously repress feelings is I want so much to have that picture perfect life and want to ignore the bad and pretend it never happened that I do quickly forgive but don’t realize that the action severely hurt me more then I realized at the moment. It’s like when you get rear ended. At the time you are filled with so much adrenaline that you don’t feel much. It’s not till days or weeks later that you really feel the pain.  And that is what has been happening to me lately.  Most feelings and thoughts were put on hold on the honeymoon and over that past 2 weeks as I packed an d moved, but now that I'm settled in. I have time to process all that has happened and it's hitting me like a ton of bricks. I finally have time to deal with all of this and it's a lot.  Things that I forgive with out a blink of the eye and forgot about are having new meaning now and more significance. 

Apparently what I need to do to start off is create bottom lines. Behaviors in which I will no longer participate.  These are things that will keep me from focusing or obsessing about my husband. Well, one thing is I can’t be his mother and check on him every minute of the day. I’m going to have to trust him and if he is to fail I know it’s not my fault and I have to let him. I have created a warm and loving home environment. That is both clean and neat and our home is slowing filling with uplifting artwork.  Soon we will have pictures of the temple in every room of the house to remind us of our goal. I have already done the research and have given him access to the resources that he needs to succeed. So as a bottom line I am going to let go and not try to control his progress. I have signed us up for the 6 week workshop that will begin in August. That is set after our meeting tomorrow afternoon. And I will begin my group on July 5^th. I have given him the name and number of a personal therapist so not it is unto him to use the resources that are available to him.  I am not going to nag him or remind him to set up personal therapy appointments. He needs to take charge of his life from here on out.  There is also an addition recovery program that I have been attending Sunday evenings. I will continue going to those and if he chooses he can join me. I know that I need to let go of trying to control the outcome and let God and the atonement heal.

As much as my goal to marry Mr. Easygoing for some reason I didn’t. I wanted to marry Mr. Easygoing so he could help me to be more easygoing. As I can’t change him I guess I am on my own in this regard. I will now need to learn it on my own and be easygoing myself.  Let’s see how that goes as I let go of what I had hoped for and accept what I have.

Things I need to do to care for myself more. I need to eat more often and not let myself get hungry as when I do I get really grouchy and ability to think logically. I hate it as my blood sugar drops so suddenly with out warning and then when it does it takes what seems like forever to recover. Eating is not an instant cure. It can take for minutes to an hour or so to feel better.  

I also need to make sure I don’t go back to being a martyr. This is a horrible behavior I learned from my mother.  It took me a long time to stop this behavior in the past and I need to be careful that I don’t fall back into this behavior again. It is such an easy thing for me to fall into as I’m such a giving, love and self-less person. The problem is I do it at the expense of myself. So I really need to be careful that I remember to care for myself. I have horribly neglected myself for the past 2 weeks so I need to get back on the ball and take care of me. It’s such a hard thing, as I feel so selfish when I do take care of me. I need to figure out a way so I can care for myself, fill my well without causing myself to feel selfish.  This is my biggest challenge.

A hovering black cloud

I’m in desperate need of a good laugh.  Life is just not going as planned at all. I am just not recovering from being burnt out and having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I just feel so alone in this whole mess.  I am so exhausted when the alarm goes off in the morning, but I know that I have to go to work. I desperately need the income and my boss is counting on me. Then when I get to work I exhort the little energy that I have being perky and attentive to his needs.  I bite my tongue as much as I can. And let me say it’s a really tough task at times, but I do my best as I continually reminding myself that I am being paid by the hour so it really doesn’t matter what I do.  By the time I get out of work, or before then I’m totally whipped out. I really need a vacation from my life.  I have so many worries and unfortunately they are all legit. I wish I could look at them and go, that could never happen. If only it was just my anxiety kicking in then reality.  I have no idea how to escape out of this downward spiral. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in 6 months. I want the workshop to be a success and to be able to put this all behind me. I want to say giving up my Tuesdays and the $2,650 was all worth it and it was a good investment.  I want so much to laugh again. I want to stop crying when no one is looking.  I want to really feel deep down hope. I deep down I do believe that it will be a good investment. If I didn’t I wouldn’t take this gamble, because I’m not much of a gambling kind of girl.  I love a sure thing. But, the truth is it isn’t a sure thing. I’ve done my research and it is the best program out there, but I worry is it good enough. Will he trust the program, trust me enough to let go of his old beliefs and let him self be healed by the atonement. Because I know that the only way to succeed in any of these programs is to fully hand your life over to Christ and once that is done miracles will happen.   We need to all let go of our misconceptions and skewed beliefs in what ever and let God perform his miracles. I am trying my best to put all my faith in God and allow his will be done, what ever it may be. I need to know that I have done all I can do on my own and the rest is up to him.

This brings me back to the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

And thus my prayer must end “thy will be done.”  Because the fact is I have done all I can to change what I can so I must now have faith in God he will take care of the rest. Now I just need some good friends to get me to laugh and some energy to laugh. I have no idea how to refill my well. I feel like one of those old pumps that needs water to prime in, but instead of using the last cup of water to prime it I made the mistake of drinking it. Now I wonder what can I do now as I can’t change the past.  I am now at a total loss of what to do next other then pray, as that is all the energy I have. Oh, the other idea is just lie her and cry some more. 

Day 1 of caring for Me

Day 1 of taking care of me went ok, but didn't yield the results I had hoped for.  Thinking about it now, I guess I had unrealistic expectations. For some reason I thought doing a few things for me would fill my whole well, but it didn't. I'm learning that it will take time. I have also learned that you can never really catch up on sleep.

For Day #1's activities I got.  It was a good massage, but my muscles have been so tight for so long it's painful to have anyone touch my lower back. So, she did what she could and I'll need to keep going back till I can get my body healed. I wanted to go back that evening or today  for some more work, but she said I needed more time to heal so I won't be able to go back till next week. So, even thought I am finally sleeping in my own bead my body still aches all over.  

After work I actually went straight home, well as straight home as I'll ever get. It was nice not having to run to any appointments. When I got home I actually had time and it was cool enough in my apartment to get on the stair stepper. After that I sat on the couch and ate dinner and watched NCIS. Then I worked on my wedding album. 3 episodes later and half of some other movie I compiled the above wedding album. I'm going to send it off to LULU to get printed. They have an offer now that you can get your first book free and all you have to pay is shipping. If I choose snail mail it only costs me $4.

I am very disappointed that I didn't have the energy or make the time to get to the store last night. I thought of going on the way home, but didn't want to risk being too tired and it being too late and me being too hunger when I got back that I wouldn't get on the stair stepper. I really wish the store was closer. Oh, well. I guess I can just be sad about that as everything is give and take. Thought I really wanted to buy some strawberries so I could make a smoothy for breakfast. I have the protein powder already and bananas, but needed some berries to go with it.  Maybe I can muster up the energy after Relief Society tonight.

The night didn't end so well as I talked to my husband on the phone and I was reminded that this will be my last Relief Society Night Activity and I won't be able to go to the bi-monthly pot luck dinners anymore.  That really depressed me as I once again morned the loss of the monthly socializing activity at church.  For some of you it may not be a big deal, but to me it is. I have a very hard time finding the time and energy to socialize.  Change sucks some times, even though you know it's for the best. I still have the right to mourn the loss.

Then we talked about the wedding album I just put together and I felt like an inadequate wife as I told him about it.  It is in no way crafty. It's not cutesy at all like he's seen albums in the past. It's more of bare bones and to the point. And may I say quite high-tech as when it will be delivered it will look like a professional book. But it's still in no way cute. There are no cute quotes, frills or lace. It's plain black and white. So I went to bed feeling like I had let him down. And it's not like I don't have the materials to make a pretty cute album. I do. I have a couple of Creative Memories Scrap-booking kits that I can use to put together our wedding album and I'd really like to do that one day, but for now I don't have the energy or time to put it together. My energy level for the night was to sit on my butt on the couch watching NCIS and hitting buttons on my computer.

What can I say, I'm tired, worn out and love a great deal. I'm hoping that today ends on a happier note and I feel a little better about myself when my head hits the pillow.

Taking time for "ME."

I bought the picture to the left last week to hang in my home to remind me to take care of myself. It still isn't hung and I have not been following it's counsel, but that is about to change. 

Last night I went to my Addiction Recovery Meeting and was reminded that I need to take the time to care for myself.  Some of my own self-care is listed below

1. Get a massage

2. Exercise Daily

3. Take time to cook and Eat

4. Spend time with friends that make me laugh

5. Sit and do nothing sometimes

6. Spend time quilting

7. Take advantage of the pool in my apt

I have been attending this group as a supporter, but I have realized that I am walking a very fine line and if I'm not careful I will be attending the group as an addict. I really don't want to be a "co-dependent," but with my loving selfless personality I can easily fall into that roll.

I am not proud to say I am on marriage number 3, but I am happy to say that I have learned a lot from husband number 1 and number 2. Husband number 3 should feel so blessed that I had a husband #1 and #2 to practice on. From Husband #2 I learned that I can not make anyone happy. Even if I create the perfect home and do everything he asks he will not be happy.  Happiness comes from within. So, as much as I want to make some one happy. I know I am powerless. I can avoid doing things that annoy you  and drive you crazy, but ultimately I can't "MAKE YOU HAPPY." And I also can't make you miserable. It goes both ways. I can do and say all I can to bring you comfort and reassurance till I'm blue in the face, but the only one that can help you besides you is GOD. And that is sometimes what it takes, praying to God and asking him for comfort and peace in your life. And to help you to enjoy each day, each moment. And sometimes what it takes is spending time with a little child and seeing them enjoying the little things in life. They are the ones who are the best ones to teach us to stop and smell the flowers. 

From being divorced this last time I learned that I don't need "a man." For many years I worried about what I would do if I didn't have a job that provided health insurance. Well, after leaving my last husband I have realized that if my job doesn't provide it, it's not the end of the world. I can obtain it on my own. After living on my own I have realized that I am very capable at finding my own housing and paying my own bills. I might not leave a life of luxury, but that's ok. I know I can make it on my own. 

Talking to a friend of mine the other day I realized that not all addictions are obvious. The common addictions are drug, alcohol, gambling, pornography, eating, hoarding.  Most of us never thought of hoarding as an addiction till they came out with that reality show. I guess this just goes to show that anything in excess is an addiction. In addition anything that we do to mask another problem is an addiction. So the person that takes one drink isn't an alcoholic, but that person that drinks in excess to mask their stress is an alcoholic. They drink so they don't have to think or feel. People also do this with food. They eat or don't eat when they are stressed. That is me, I don't eat when I'm stressed. And with someone like me who gets physically sick when they don't eat it's not a pretty site. Many dysfunctional families have family members that have addictions due to mask the pain.

My boss's mother engulfed her self in church to mask her pain. Yes, you look at her and go, wow, she is so spiritual. Being spiritual is great and all, but you need balance in your life and you can't bury yourself in god and service if it's to mask an underlying problem.

Thinking about addictions in this sense I think about my friend Luke who when we met was gay and now is married to an amazing women and has a few children.  I think he becoming gay as a way for him to deal with the trauma that was going on in his life and his gay lifestyle was his addiction. What was his trauma? His parents died suddenly in a plane crash with hundred of others and his family, him and his siblings were all torn apart and sent across the country to live with various relatives.  Unlike some I don’t believe people were born gay, you may say this is due to my religious upbringing and yes it is in a way, but it is more from knowing Luke.  As I come across other gay, lesbian, and transgender friends and learn their stories and I can see how they are all a lot like Luke, they all have gone though something traumatic.  My first ex is now a woman and would fall into the category transgender.  I left him because he hit me, but looking at it in this sense I can see how his transgender lifestyle is an addiction and until he takes the time and puts in the effort to deal with the underlying issues his addiction will continue and he will not find the happiness he seeks. I say it this way because we are all seeking happiness and peace in our lives. It doesn’t matter if we have ever met I know that you want to be happy. No one wakes up and says I want to have a really miserable, crappy day. We all wake up hoping to have an amazing joyous day. We all love to smile and laugh.

Thus said. I’m counting down, 2 hours till my massage. My bucket may have been emptied, but I have learned my lesson(for the millionths time) and it’s time to start filling it up. I have slowly been doing it this week by treating myself to some air conditioning. I hope this makes you laugh, because it is quite funny. I am so frugal that I would rather suffer in the heat then to waste money on air conditioning.  But once I hit rock bottom last week I turned the air on and wow it may not be much, but it kept me going just a little longer.  Some may indulge in chocolate, I indulged in a cool apt for a few days last week. It was like heaven.

At the end of my rope.

Don’t tell God how big your problems are.

Tell your problems how big your God is.

I heard this today and loved it. This is exactly what I am doing. Yes, I may be at the end of my rope, but I have the most wonderful friends in the world that are giving me their last ropes. I know that they are struggling just as much as I am at this time with their own stuff, but they are still so willing to jump in and offer me up their last ropes.  Wow, it amazes every time that I have a crisis that if only I ask they will drop everything and jump in to pull me out of the burning building. 

(I have to add that I am married to an amazing man who is my best friend, but sometimes that isn’t enough I still need my girl friends. I need people who have been there, that have experienced similar things and that can share with me things they have learned from there life experiences. So as much as I want to be his everything I know that he also needs an outside support system to build him up and to give him a helping hand.)

The other great giver of ropes is God.  He truly is amazing. He gives me the extra bursts of encouragement that gets me keep going even thought I’m so tired I just want to give up. He reminds me that all the hard work will pay off with great reward.  He is like a father on a long road trip, “only 5 more minutes,” or “it’s just over this next hill.” He says things and does things for me that keeps me going. He is the only one that can fully forgive and restore. I have learned that thru god anything is possible, if only you believe. It may

This is just another testimony to me that God loves me and watches over he. He directs all things and puts the right people in my path right when I need them. If only I had just opened up my mouth years ago I wouldn’t have had to suffer alone for so long. Well now is now and we can’t change the past. So all I can say is thank you dear friends.

To top of my amazing week my girlfriend invited me over for lunch/dinner tonight and it  was delicious.  It was so nice to sit down to a home cooked mean. The first since I’ve been back from my honeymoon. Not only have I not had time to cook since I’ve been home, I’ve barley had time to eat. So this was a great blessing to have the invitation and the time.  To you it may have been nothing, but to me it meant the world to me. To just to be able to sit down and talk,  to catch up, to share. I love you so much. You are an amazing friend.

(revised) Even thought the rug was pulled out from under me and I landed flat on my back unable to move due to the shock doesn’t mean that I have given up.   That is far from the case. Yes, I was initially stunned. Yes, I tried to ignore it, shake it off, but then after talking to a very wise women was told that I need to confront it head on. I need to express how it “REALLY” made me feel.  I did, but I don’t think what I said quite sunk in. So I tabled it for a time, as it was just bad timing all around to deal with it.  Now, appears to be the time to deal with it. And dealing with it head on is what I am doing. If I were to give up I wouldn’t be exhausted both mentally and physically. I wouldn’t be putting 500% into fixing this head on. When I get tired, I know I can’t stop, I need to keep going. Not because I have any energy within myself because I don’t, I am beyond worn out, but through God’s help I keep going. It is thought his assistance that I get up every morning and go to work. It is through his assistance that I have found the resources that I have. He has put the people in my path that have keep me going every day.  He put in my heart the knowledge that times might be hard right now, but they will get easier and it will all be for our good. For some reason I need to learn this lesson now and God has and will give and provide me with all that I need to overcome this hurdle.  Even with God’s help and my friend’s giving me their last ropes it still isn’t easy. I still spend a lot of time crying. A lot of time on my knees praying and pleading with God for strength to go on.  And I am happy to say that my prayers are always answered. And so here I am pressing forward.

 If I were to give up I wouldn’t tell you want is going on and be asking and pleading for your help and advice. I wouldn’t be investing my time researching the best therapy out there. And for sure I wouldn’t be investing the money or time to under go such intense therapy.   I want to live. I want it all. I want the “happily ever after” and I know it is possible to achieve.   “Happily ever after,” is not just for fairy tales. I don know that in order to get there it takes a lot of work from all parties involved.  And that is our plan.

Do I think of giving up in the sense of I would like to trade group therapy for retail therapy. Who wouldn’t.  If you have followed my blogs for a while you heard about the shoe company fluevog. Oh, how I would love to get a pair of their shoes. They are adorable and I have heard they are very comfortable.  Unfortunately it doesn’t look like I’ll be modeling one of their to die for shoes any time soon, but I am not going to give up the dream of every owing a pair of these coveted shoes. Some day.

Seriously, it would be nice to spend the $275/mo on retail therapy. I don’t think I’ve ever had a mall budget that big before. Let’s just sit here and day dream a bit. What could I buy if I had $275 extra a month. If I saved up for a couple of months I could buy my fluevog. Or I could actually afford to buy clothing in the mall instead of thrift stores.  Or if I did go to thrift stores I could get a whole new wardrobe. I could finally get complete outfits with matching jewelry that I’ve always wanted. What would you do if you had an extra $275/mo?

Today I am not giving up. I have not worked this hard for the last two weeks to give up. 

I’m happy to report that I am finally all moved and I got my entire security deposit back. I am thankful for the two young men that came and helped me move my furniture. I couldn’t of done it with out them. Things I hope will be a little easier and less stressful for here on out. Most everything has been put away, so hopefully I will now have more time to eat, cook, exercise, and sleep.  Yes, you read it, the bare necessities of life that I have lacked for the last 2 weeks. Oh, how I look forward to a routine. I am so happy that most everything has a place, I can now flip on the light when I walk in the door and don’t have to trip over boxes to bring light to the room.

In addition I am so happy to be sleeping in my own bed.  I never really understood the joys of sleeping in one’s own bed till this last month and now I can say sleeping in one’s own bed really makes a difference in life. Now all I need to do is get a massage to get all of these knots out of my lower back and I think I will soon be able to sleep in peace and wake up well rested in the morning.  This will surly be a new concept for me.

Back to the quote, I just want Satan to know that we can overcome this and through God’s help we will be stronger because of it. So in the end we can say, your plan to destroy us has only made us stronger. We are not there yet, but we will be, real soon.   

Give me my rug back.

WARNING: This post and other posts previous and to follow may contain swearing.  The therapist I saw the other day asked me to fill out this “Total truths letter.” She said that some people are shocked that when they fill it as they use language that they otherwise wouldn’t use. Due to it is filled with very strong feelings and sometimes it is what is needed to gets the point across. For those of you that know me, you know that I am not one who swears all the time, it’s just sometimes it is what works. And as you know these blogs aren’t edited they are my stream of conscious, with grammatical errors and all. So if it offends you please don’t read my blog.

What happened to the honeymoon phase of marriage? The time where you are blissfully happy and just so in love that nothing else matters? Well, three marriages later and once again I still have missed out on this phase of marriage. It’s just not fair. Why is it that I have finally found the love of my life and married him, but instead of enjoying all the perks of marriage I only get to deal with the crap. It’s just so unfair. And wasn’t it just 9 months ago that I had to deal with coordination a move all by myself. It’s so unfair. I hate moving. I hate all the stress of pack and unpacking. The coordinating with the Uhaul company and getting friends to help me move. And all of the physical excursion it takes to move.  Moving from one upstairs apartment to another is hell. I’m happy to say 99.9% of my stuff has been moved. I did that the week I came home from my honeymoon. All that is left is my furniture. Last night after working 8 hours I spent 5 more hours cleaning my apartment. And mind you my apartment is fairly clean. I constantly scrubbed my stove and cleaned my cabinets so that they stayed shiny white, so I have no idea why it took 5 hours of constant cleaning to just get the bathroom and kitchen cleaned. I didn’t even have to defrost the freezer.  And both fridge and freezer was pretty clean. The answer to that is beyond me.

So, if I was exhausted the other day I am now beyond exhausted running on empty. I know I can do it, but I can only run on autopilot for so long.  I married Randy because I can be myself around him and he can make me laugh, well I have to say I haven’t laughed in a while. I am so busy running around trying to get everything done that by the time we get to talk it’s past my bedtime or time for me to go to work.  I wish he would just tell me that everything has been taken care of and for me to just sit back and relax, but that isn’t going to happen any time soon as he’s not even in the area. He’s 7 hours away working. This sucks.

I’m going to be happy when Monday rolls around I should be all moved out and the keys turned in. That is the plan, we’ll see how that goes. I am really counting on getting my entire deposit back as I really need it after not working for about a month. It really hurts when you don’t get paid vacations.  So, cross your fingers for me and say a little prayer that my landlord will be around Saturday or Sunday to inspect my apartment and gives me my deposit back.

I will be able to give a big sigh of relief when that happens.  

After reading my last blog post you are probably thinking that I have this horrible addiction or something. The truth of the matter is my only addiction is being a victim.   Before my group starts in July they asked me to fill out a Post Traumatic Stress Index.  I know that I have suffered from PTSD previously, due to my neighbor from hell and no help from my husband. Apparently I have an issue with misinterpreting scriptures. Apparently turning the other cheek really didn’t apply in this case and something really should have been done, all I can say is you live and learn. Another thing I learned is enduring to the end doesn’t mean living with your choice and staying in an abusive relationship.   If you read my old blog you know what I’m referring to, if not, I’m sorry if you are confused, but I’d rather not talk about it. 

Also in the packet is a sheet that goes over “What forgiveness is not.” It’s quite interesting. Forgiveness is not forgetting, condoning, absolution, a form of self-sacrifice, or a a clear-cut one time decision.  Forgiveness is a way of reaching out from a bad past and heading out to a more positive future.  (Marie Balter) I don’t quite get what forgiveness is, but I guess I will lean in my group and when I do figure it out I’ll share it with you.

It seems like this group should assist me in not becoming the martyr again. Not be the doormat and not forgiving and forgetting like I used to.   I used to be so naive. I used to be so quick to forgive and forget. To totally trust after someone shattered my world.

I have so much to learn.

I have to say that the only mistake that has gotten me to husband number 3 is my bad judge of men. Each husband had there own issues.  I can’t quite pin point my first ex’s addiction or problem. He did hit me a few days after we were married, but I never really understood what led him to that. And honestly I didn’t care all I wanted was out. I didn’t want to end up in the hospital or worse dead due to whatever issue he had. He is now a girl so obviously he has some major issues. And the second husband, well he really does have an addiction. He is a working alcoholic. The funny thing is he just dumped his last girlfriend partly due to she was an obnoxious drunk and she had no memory of her behavior. He called me all upset  and I said to him now you understand a little how I felt. Well, he still doesn’t see it, he said he was nothing like that.  I said not the behavior, but the not remembering anything that happened while you were drunk. I don’t think it clicked quite yet, one day it will.

Another information sheet in my binder is Coping with loss. Let’s see I have already gone though the first reaction: “Denial, numbness, and shock.” I first went thought shock. WTF you have got to be kidding.  There was no denying for me.  I am not sure if I really experienced numbness per say, but I did put off dealing with it till a better time. And that leads me to why I am going to this group. After the initial WTF it is time to deal with it head on and get it taken care of. I don’t want to drag it out any longer. I have learned that I deal much better with things head on then to let them linger longer. 

The next reaction is “bargaining.” Nope, I didn’t do that. I have thought about it last night and today after realizing that I am giving up ever Tuesday for possibly the next two years. Realizing that I am going to miss the Relief Society activities and the dinners at my girlfriend’s house. The loss of those two things, in addition to the money and time, makes me think is there really a problem? Maybe I can do it on my own, but then that would be bargaining and in reality I know this is the place I need to be. Bargaining is not going to bring the results I desire. So bargaining is out of the question, it is sacrifice all of this now for peace of mind.  That is why I have food storage and a savings account. That is why I live with in my means, not all things that I enjoy doing at the time, but the peace of mind is worth it. Though I have to say I am jealous when I see people at the mall with a million shopping bags. It irks me that I can’t do that too.   Opps that was not what they meant by bargaining. They meant “ruminate about what could have been done to prevent the loss.”  Ah, I got it the could have should have theory, isn’t there a saying that goes something like this when you say “should have” “you are only shitting on yourself.” If so then there is no point of saying “If only,” because the matter of the fact is it would have happened one time or another and the reality is there was no way I could have prevented it even though I really wanted to. As much as I try to make a perfect home for my family evil is going to seep in. I can do all I can and then it’s up to individual family members to make their own choices. There is no point of beating myself up after I know I have done all I could. That is so easy to say, but not always easy to remember. Now I just have to remember it and not become one of those annoying wives or mothers that looks over their shoulder all of the time and drives them crazy. And that is why I have joined this group, to learn these skills.

The third reaction “Depression.” Well, this is something I have struggled with for years.  Some symptoms: sleep and appetite disturbance, lack of energy and concentration, crying spells are some typical symptoms. I have all of these, what does this mean?  “Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation, and self-pity can surface during this phase, contributing to this reactive depression.” Well, that describes me to.  The of loneliness can also due to my husband is 7hours away.  The isolation can be due to I am so busy doing all of this on my own I don’t have time to socialize, go out with friends. I am busy at work all day, then either at my apt or home putting things away, then soon as I’m done I crash because I’m physically exhausted and past my bed time.  The good thing is it says:  “For many, this phase must be experienced in order to begin reorganizing one’s life.” My hope is once the move is done I can sit back and relax a little more, have some time for fun, friends, exercising, eating, and relaxing.  I seriously run out of time to eat and due to it being so hot and I’m so stressed that I have no appetite.

The fourth reaction “Anger.”  “This usually occurs when an individual feels helpless and powerless.” Well I am seeking all the help I can find so I don’t feel totally helpless, other then the annoyance is I can’t fix other’s problems, they need to do it on there own. I’m not sure if I really feel angry or more hurt and betrayed. It also says “After an individual acknowledges anger, guilt may surface due to expression these negative feelings.”  I do feel some guilt about how I feel about somethings. I understand them logically, but they still annoy me, it just doesn’t seem fair.  So, I am still working though these feelings. I want to let go and not feel these things but it’s not easy. I’ll get there.

I have to say in all this stress I did get on the scale this morning and was happy at the weight. So that brightened my day. I know totally off subject, but I thought I’d share a happy though in all of this deep stuff. So the above mentioned “appetite disturbance” had a positive outcome here.

The last reaction is “Acceptance.” This kind of makes me think of the “Serenity Prayer.”

God grant me the serenity to: Accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.

It says: “Time allows the individual an opportunity to resolve the range of feelings that surface.” That is good to know as I do possess time. And I do need time to deal with the crushed dream that I will have a long honeymoon stage in my marriage. I really don’t think that this was a total unrealistic expectation.  I knew I would have to deal with some stuff right now such as the move, but I just didn’t think other things would hit so soon.  So, I am mourning the loss of a short time of blissful happiness. It’s just so unfair.

It goes on to say “The grieving process supports the individual. That is, healing occurs when the loss becomes integrated into the individual’s set of life experiences.”  And that is why I said in the last blog that I am in recovery. As much as I want to deny what has happened and live in blissful ignorance I don’t want to put my life on hold and that is what I would be doing if I didn’t work on this now head on. There will be no dancing around the subject for me. I want my dream back. I want the rug that was pulled back from under me. Thus I am willing to make these sacrifices and integrate what ever I need to into my life so I can get my rug back. I will fight with all my mind, might, and strength to get it back.

Let’s hope that I can keep moving forward and I won’t have to keep revisiting the other elements of the grieving process as I move forward, but at least I am aware that I may and that is ok. We all work at our pace. I am just hoping that there aren’t too many set backs right off the bad, I’m not sure I can handle any more blows right now.

I think that is enough for today. Now to get back to moving.

Talking myself out of a Panic Attack

Jumping for joy at seeing Stonehenge

I don't recall the last time I felt this anxious and stressed. On the anxiety meter I rate it as a 10. To start with Uhaul called to let me know that I don’t have a truck reservation. WTF. I called Uhaul on the 20^th and totally confirmed. They gave me a confirmation number and everything, what do you mean I don’t have a reservation?!  This could be a good think as I made a new reservation at a different location and I am able to pick it up at 7am vs 8am. But, now I’m not feeling so confident that my reservation will be valid. I would hate to arrive on Sat and for them to say sorry we ran out of trucks and we have no record of your order. Or like this women, told me your order wasn’t confirmed. What?! I confirmed it, what more of a confirmation was I suppose to get.   I’ll get back to you Sat and let you know the results.

I just got home from the therapist.  I just enrolled myself in weekly therapy.   What is killing me is I just signed a waver that said I would commit to a minimum of 6 months of this group at $275 a month.  I am terrible at making large purchases. (I once had a panic attack at IKEA. It was quite pathetic, it wasn’t even that much money, probably under $100, but being as frugal as I am it just about killed me.)  I talked to the group leader and she said most women finish the group in 2 years.  Everyone works at their own pace, but if it does take me 2 years that will be $6,600 and committing myself to going to this group every Tuesday from 6-7:30. Not only is that a HUGE financial commitment that is a huge time commitment. If you miss too many times they kick you out. (Don’t worry; I’m not going to give up my trip to Bali, that is out of the questions. And asking way too much, that would stress me out even more if I had to give that up.)  In addition I was hoping to go home with Randy for the Month of December.  He will be out of school and working back home and if my boss would let me, which I don’t know if he will I was hoping to go home with him.  Who knows after the last month I took off and taking off 2wks in Oct, who knows if I can even get it off.

So many things are going through my mind. Is it really that bad that I need this? I really don’t know the answer to that question. Right now I don’t think things are that bad, but I was taught to be prepared. Do all you can prior to the storm so when it does it won’t sweep you away.  So that is what I am doing. I am gathering all the tools I can to prevent the storm and then if or shall I say when it hits I will be able to withstand it. And if it should break down my barricade I will have the tools to quickly to clean up and repair the damage.

Thus I have to think of this as an investment. I am shelling out a little now, even thought 6 grand sounds like a bundle, in reality it’s only money, and it’s an investment.  An investment by nature is an expenditure for future benefits. Sometimes an investment can be time; such as we spend time practicing the piano so we will be good.  Other times it is financial. And like here it will be both time and financial for the benefit of a bright, happy, and healthy future.  Now I just need to keep reminding myself that all of the effort, time, and money is an investment.  I think I might need to write this on a card and post it on my mirror.

It wasn’t easy to find this group. It took tons of research, calling around and talking to people to find exactly what I was looking for. It took me two weeks to find it, but when you are feeling like your life is spinning out of control two weeks feels like forever.  So, I have to say I am blessed to have found it so quickly.  Not only that I am blessed to find a local group with a good reputation. I am well aware that groups/programs like these aren’t readily available everywhere. So I am very blessed to live in a city that offers these services. I am also blessed that my parents taught me to put lots of money in savings in case of an emergency. If it wasn’t for this there is no way I would be able to afford this type of treatment. Now I can only pray that a greater emergency doesn’t arise.

 I am so happy that I am not the person I was when I was 21 or even just a few years back. I am so happy that in 2009 I broke out of my comfort zone and opened my mouth. So much has changed since then.  It is amazing how much progress one can make in just a few years.

Just in case you our dumbfounded as to why I posted a picture of me jumping for joy in front of Stonehenge, let me tell you. Even though I felt my life spinning out of control this past couple of weeks, in all reality life is good.  I am on a road to recovery.  I am very blessed to have all the friends that I do.  If it weren’t for my friends I wouldn’t be where I am today. 

And why did I take this picture in the first place: I was thrilled to see something I had only seen in books and in movies. And I was on my Honeymoon at a site where I knew no one so if they all laughed who cares, I'm never going to see them again.

Day 30-Your favorite song

My mother in law sent me this video right after we got engaged.

I can't fight this feeling any longer. 

And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow. 

What started out as friendship, 

Has grown stronger. 

I only wish I had the strength to let it show. 

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever. 

I said there is no reason for my fear. 

Cause I feel so secure when we're together. 

You give my life direction, 

You make everything so clear. 

And even as I wander, 

I'm keeping you in sight. 

You're a candle in the window, 

On a cold, dark winter's night. 

And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might. 

And I can't fight this feeling anymore. 

I've forgotten what I started fighting for. 

It's time to bring this ship into the shore, 

And throw away the oars, forever. 

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore. 

I've forgotten what I started fighting for. 

And if I have to crawl upon the floor, 

Come crushing through your door, 

Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore. 

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you. 

I've been running round in circles in my mind. 

And it always seems that I'm following you, girl, 

Cause you take me to the places, 

That alone I'd never find. 

And even as I wander, 

I'm keeping you in sight. 

You're a candle in the wind, 

On a cold, dark winter's night. 

And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might. 

And I can't fight this feeling anymore. 

I've forgotten what I started fighting for. 

It's time to bring this ship into the shore, 

And throw away the oars, forever. 

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore. 

I've forgotten what I started fighting for. 

And if I have to crawl upon the floor, 

Come crushing through your door, 

Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

I can't say it's my all time favorite song, because I really don't have one, but it is one that has touched me recently.

I guess we can both say that we couldn't fight this feeling anymore and decided that the best thing to do was to take a leap of faith and get married. As they say it's called falling in love for a reason.