Well, things aren’t going as planned. Things are so much easier said then done. I wish I could say I kept on with it and got on the stair stepper yesterday and today, but that is not the case. Yesterday I did try to schedule in another massage as I really needed it, but couldn’t seem to fit it in. I did make it to the temple last night as I’ve been trying to go weekly and have been since before and after our trip, on our trip was difficult as we weren’t always close enough to get to one. We did manage to visit the London temple. An even better perk was I was able to come straight home after work and I had about an hour before I had to get to the temple so I plopped down on the couch. I nuked a meal I had gotten the day before that I stacked away in the work fridge and life was good for an hour as I vegged out eating yummy Indian food and watching NCIS. I love that show. Back to the food situation. As my goal was to cook and eat. Well, that hasn’t been happening, but so far it’s been working out. My boss has been providing lunches for me so depending on how hungry I am I can either eat them or save them for dinner. The other day my boss sent me out to get him a sandwich and something for myself. As I had brought my lunch I still got something for myself, but saved it for dinner. So that is what I ate for dinner last night.
Another perk of yesterday was I got to chat with a girlfriend of mine. As I was helping her out I think I helped myself out just as much. Saying things that I needed to hear to get my life back on track. It’s amazing how God gives us friends to help us as we help them. On the outside it looks like our struggles and journeys are so different, but then when we really talk we realize we are both struggling with a lot of the same things.
Last night after the temple I spent a long time texting another girl friend of mine. It’s amazing at how not alone I am as much as I really feel sometimes. I really do have some amazing friends.
When I signed up for this partners group I’m going to begin attending July 5th they gave me a binder of stuff. I looked at it a little, but was a bit overwhelmed to really dig in. Last night I took out one of the enclosed booklets entitled “The Toolbox for Partners” and started reading it. Very interesting stuff. I feel so ignorant and after reading it so informed. I had no idea what I was feeling and why I was feeling like I was and wow, this booklet really explained a lot to me. There is so much I can do to so I don’t have to keep suffering as much as I am. I had no idea that all of these feelings were all connected to being married to an addict. Wow, my eyes were really opened. I am beginning to understand myself a lot better now. I had no idea. Not only is this group going to educate me on my husband’s addiction. It is also going to provide tools to help me learn ways to take care of myself as well as limit the damage in our relationship. It seems that unlike addicts who have an addictive cycle, “partners of addicts often find themselves slipping into a cycle of obsessive thinking.” There is a list of 4 steps they give to obtain personal healing. 1. Get educated 2. Develop a network or support 3. Build self worth 4. Healing wounds past and present.
Number 4 caught my eye. It says “As a partner of an addict, you have been betrayed and deceived.” I guess this would explain my anger and feelings of loss and a broken heart. Feelings I didn’t predict. And yes there is much more that is going on that I am not saying here. And there are things that have happened and have been said to valid my anger and frustration. At times I think I should not be feeling this way, then I remember things that were said or that happened and I think oh yea I am not over reaction or being unrealistic I have all the right in the world to feel this way. The problem I have is I have a tendency to forgive and to forget when I really should be remembering so I understand my future or repressed feelings. And it’s not that I consciously repress feelings is I want so much to have that picture perfect life and want to ignore the bad and pretend it never happened that I do quickly forgive but don’t realize that the action severely hurt me more then I realized at the moment. It’s like when you get rear ended. At the time you are filled with so much adrenaline that you don’t feel much. It’s not till days or weeks later that you really feel the pain. And that is what has been happening to me lately. Most feelings and thoughts were put on hold on the honeymoon and over that past 2 weeks as I packed an d moved, but now that I'm settled in. I have time to process all that has happened and it's hitting me like a ton of bricks. I finally have time to deal with all of this and it's a lot. Things that I forgive with out a blink of the eye and forgot about are having new meaning now and more significance.
Apparently what I need to do to start off is create bottom lines. Behaviors in which I will no longer participate. These are things that will keep me from focusing or obsessing about my husband. Well, one thing is I can’t be his mother and check on him every minute of the day. I’m going to have to trust him and if he is to fail I know it’s not my fault and I have to let him. I have created a warm and loving home environment. That is both clean and neat and our home is slowing filling with uplifting artwork. Soon we will have pictures of the temple in every room of the house to remind us of our goal. I have already done the research and have given him access to the resources that he needs to succeed. So as a bottom line I am going to let go and not try to control his progress. I have signed us up for the 6 week workshop that will begin in August. That is set after our meeting tomorrow afternoon. And I will begin my group on July 5th. I have given him the name and number of a personal therapist so not it is unto him to use the resources that are available to him. I am not going to nag him or remind him to set up personal therapy appointments. He needs to take charge of his life from here on out. There is also an addition recovery program that I have been attending Sunday evenings. I will continue going to those and if he chooses he can join me. I know that I need to let go of trying to control the outcome and let God and the atonement heal.
As much as my goal to marry Mr. Easygoing for some reason I didn’t. I wanted to marry Mr. Easygoing so he could help me to be more easygoing. As I can’t change him I guess I am on my own in this regard. I will now need to learn it on my own and be easygoing myself. Let’s see how that goes as I let go of what I had hoped for and accept what I have.
Things I need to do to care for myself more. I need to eat more often and not let myself get hungry as when I do I get really grouchy and ability to think logically. I hate it as my blood sugar drops so suddenly with out warning and then when it does it takes what seems like forever to recover. Eating is not an instant cure. It can take for minutes to an hour or so to feel better.
I also need to make sure I don’t go back to being a martyr. This is a horrible behavior I learned from my mother. It took me a long time to stop this behavior in the past and I need to be careful that I don’t fall back into this behavior again. It is such an easy thing for me to fall into as I’m such a giving, love and self-less person. The problem is I do it at the expense of myself. So I really need to be careful that I remember to care for myself. I have horribly neglected myself for the past 2 weeks so I need to get back on the ball and take care of me. It’s such a hard thing, as I feel so selfish when I do take care of me. I need to figure out a way so I can care for myself, fill my well without causing myself to feel selfish. This is my biggest challenge.
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