Give me my rug back.

WARNING: This post and other posts previous and to follow may contain swearing.  The therapist I saw the other day asked me to fill out this “Total truths letter.” She said that some people are shocked that when they fill it as they use language that they otherwise wouldn’t use. Due to it is filled with very strong feelings and sometimes it is what is needed to gets the point across. For those of you that know me, you know that I am not one who swears all the time, it’s just sometimes it is what works. And as you know these blogs aren’t edited they are my stream of conscious, with grammatical errors and all. So if it offends you please don’t read my blog.

What happened to the honeymoon phase of marriage? The time where you are blissfully happy and just so in love that nothing else matters? Well, three marriages later and once again I still have missed out on this phase of marriage. It’s just not fair. Why is it that I have finally found the love of my life and married him, but instead of enjoying all the perks of marriage I only get to deal with the crap. It’s just so unfair. And wasn’t it just 9 months ago that I had to deal with coordination a move all by myself. It’s so unfair. I hate moving. I hate all the stress of pack and unpacking. The coordinating with the Uhaul company and getting friends to help me move. And all of the physical excursion it takes to move.  Moving from one upstairs apartment to another is hell. I’m happy to say 99.9% of my stuff has been moved. I did that the week I came home from my honeymoon. All that is left is my furniture. Last night after working 8 hours I spent 5 more hours cleaning my apartment. And mind you my apartment is fairly clean. I constantly scrubbed my stove and cleaned my cabinets so that they stayed shiny white, so I have no idea why it took 5 hours of constant cleaning to just get the bathroom and kitchen cleaned. I didn’t even have to defrost the freezer.  And both fridge and freezer was pretty clean. The answer to that is beyond me.

So, if I was exhausted the other day I am now beyond exhausted running on empty. I know I can do it, but I can only run on autopilot for so long.  I married Randy because I can be myself around him and he can make me laugh, well I have to say I haven’t laughed in a while. I am so busy running around trying to get everything done that by the time we get to talk it’s past my bedtime or time for me to go to work.  I wish he would just tell me that everything has been taken care of and for me to just sit back and relax, but that isn’t going to happen any time soon as he’s not even in the area. He’s 7 hours away working. This sucks.

I’m going to be happy when Monday rolls around I should be all moved out and the keys turned in. That is the plan, we’ll see how that goes. I am really counting on getting my entire deposit back as I really need it after not working for about a month. It really hurts when you don’t get paid vacations.  So, cross your fingers for me and say a little prayer that my landlord will be around Saturday or Sunday to inspect my apartment and gives me my deposit back.

I will be able to give a big sigh of relief when that happens.  

After reading my last blog post you are probably thinking that I have this horrible addiction or something. The truth of the matter is my only addiction is being a victim.   Before my group starts in July they asked me to fill out a Post Traumatic Stress Index.  I know that I have suffered from PTSD previously, due to my neighbor from hell and no help from my husband. Apparently I have an issue with misinterpreting scriptures. Apparently turning the other cheek really didn’t apply in this case and something really should have been done, all I can say is you live and learn. Another thing I learned is enduring to the end doesn’t mean living with your choice and staying in an abusive relationship.   If you read my old blog you know what I’m referring to, if not, I’m sorry if you are confused, but I’d rather not talk about it. 

Also in the packet is a sheet that goes over “What forgiveness is not.” It’s quite interesting. Forgiveness is not forgetting, condoning, absolution, a form of self-sacrifice, or a a clear-cut one time decision.  Forgiveness is a way of reaching out from a bad past and heading out to a more positive future.  (Marie Balter) I don’t quite get what forgiveness is, but I guess I will lean in my group and when I do figure it out I’ll share it with you.

It seems like this group should assist me in not becoming the martyr again. Not be the doormat and not forgiving and forgetting like I used to.   I used to be so naive. I used to be so quick to forgive and forget. To totally trust after someone shattered my world.

I have so much to learn.

I have to say that the only mistake that has gotten me to husband number 3 is my bad judge of men. Each husband had there own issues.  I can’t quite pin point my first ex’s addiction or problem. He did hit me a few days after we were married, but I never really understood what led him to that. And honestly I didn’t care all I wanted was out. I didn’t want to end up in the hospital or worse dead due to whatever issue he had. He is now a girl so obviously he has some major issues. And the second husband, well he really does have an addiction. He is a working alcoholic. The funny thing is he just dumped his last girlfriend partly due to she was an obnoxious drunk and she had no memory of her behavior. He called me all upset  and I said to him now you understand a little how I felt. Well, he still doesn’t see it, he said he was nothing like that.  I said not the behavior, but the not remembering anything that happened while you were drunk. I don’t think it clicked quite yet, one day it will.

Another information sheet in my binder is Coping with loss. Let’s see I have already gone though the first reaction: “Denial, numbness, and shock.” I first went thought shock. WTF you have got to be kidding.  There was no denying for me.  I am not sure if I really experienced numbness per say, but I did put off dealing with it till a better time. And that leads me to why I am going to this group. After the initial WTF it is time to deal with it head on and get it taken care of. I don’t want to drag it out any longer. I have learned that I deal much better with things head on then to let them linger longer. 

The next reaction is “bargaining.” Nope, I didn’t do that. I have thought about it last night and today after realizing that I am giving up ever Tuesday for possibly the next two years. Realizing that I am going to miss the Relief Society activities and the dinners at my girlfriend’s house. The loss of those two things, in addition to the money and time, makes me think is there really a problem? Maybe I can do it on my own, but then that would be bargaining and in reality I know this is the place I need to be. Bargaining is not going to bring the results I desire. So bargaining is out of the question, it is sacrifice all of this now for peace of mind.  That is why I have food storage and a savings account. That is why I live with in my means, not all things that I enjoy doing at the time, but the peace of mind is worth it. Though I have to say I am jealous when I see people at the mall with a million shopping bags. It irks me that I can’t do that too.   Opps that was not what they meant by bargaining. They meant “ruminate about what could have been done to prevent the loss.”  Ah, I got it the could have should have theory, isn’t there a saying that goes something like this when you say “should have” “you are only shitting on yourself.” If so then there is no point of saying “If only,” because the matter of the fact is it would have happened one time or another and the reality is there was no way I could have prevented it even though I really wanted to. As much as I try to make a perfect home for my family evil is going to seep in. I can do all I can and then it’s up to individual family members to make their own choices. There is no point of beating myself up after I know I have done all I could. That is so easy to say, but not always easy to remember. Now I just have to remember it and not become one of those annoying wives or mothers that looks over their shoulder all of the time and drives them crazy. And that is why I have joined this group, to learn these skills.

The third reaction “Depression.” Well, this is something I have struggled with for years.  Some symptoms: sleep and appetite disturbance, lack of energy and concentration, crying spells are some typical symptoms. I have all of these, what does this mean?  “Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation, and self-pity can surface during this phase, contributing to this reactive depression.” Well, that describes me to.  The of loneliness can also due to my husband is 7hours away.  The isolation can be due to I am so busy doing all of this on my own I don’t have time to socialize, go out with friends. I am busy at work all day, then either at my apt or home putting things away, then soon as I’m done I crash because I’m physically exhausted and past my bed time.  The good thing is it says:  “For many, this phase must be experienced in order to begin reorganizing one’s life.” My hope is once the move is done I can sit back and relax a little more, have some time for fun, friends, exercising, eating, and relaxing.  I seriously run out of time to eat and due to it being so hot and I’m so stressed that I have no appetite.

The fourth reaction “Anger.”  “This usually occurs when an individual feels helpless and powerless.” Well I am seeking all the help I can find so I don’t feel totally helpless, other then the annoyance is I can’t fix other’s problems, they need to do it on there own. I’m not sure if I really feel angry or more hurt and betrayed. It also says “After an individual acknowledges anger, guilt may surface due to expression these negative feelings.”  I do feel some guilt about how I feel about somethings. I understand them logically, but they still annoy me, it just doesn’t seem fair.  So, I am still working though these feelings. I want to let go and not feel these things but it’s not easy. I’ll get there.

I have to say in all this stress I did get on the scale this morning and was happy at the weight. So that brightened my day. I know totally off subject, but I thought I’d share a happy though in all of this deep stuff. So the above mentioned “appetite disturbance” had a positive outcome here.

The last reaction is “Acceptance.” This kind of makes me think of the “Serenity Prayer.”

God grant me the serenity to: Accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.

It says: “Time allows the individual an opportunity to resolve the range of feelings that surface.” That is good to know as I do possess time. And I do need time to deal with the crushed dream that I will have a long honeymoon stage in my marriage. I really don’t think that this was a total unrealistic expectation.  I knew I would have to deal with some stuff right now such as the move, but I just didn’t think other things would hit so soon.  So, I am mourning the loss of a short time of blissful happiness. It’s just so unfair.

It goes on to say “The grieving process supports the individual. That is, healing occurs when the loss becomes integrated into the individual’s set of life experiences.”  And that is why I said in the last blog that I am in recovery. As much as I want to deny what has happened and live in blissful ignorance I don’t want to put my life on hold and that is what I would be doing if I didn’t work on this now head on. There will be no dancing around the subject for me. I want my dream back. I want the rug that was pulled back from under me. Thus I am willing to make these sacrifices and integrate what ever I need to into my life so I can get my rug back. I will fight with all my mind, might, and strength to get it back.

Let’s hope that I can keep moving forward and I won’t have to keep revisiting the other elements of the grieving process as I move forward, but at least I am aware that I may and that is ok. We all work at our pace. I am just hoping that there aren’t too many set backs right off the bad, I’m not sure I can handle any more blows right now.

I think that is enough for today. Now to get back to moving.