Taking time for "ME."

I bought the picture to the left last week to hang in my home to remind me to take care of myself. It still isn't hung and I have not been following it's counsel, but that is about to change. 

Last night I went to my Addiction Recovery Meeting and was reminded that I need to take the time to care for myself.  Some of my own self-care is listed below

1. Get a massage

2. Exercise Daily

3. Take time to cook and Eat

4. Spend time with friends that make me laugh

5. Sit and do nothing sometimes

6. Spend time quilting

7. Take advantage of the pool in my apt

I have been attending this group as a supporter, but I have realized that I am walking a very fine line and if I'm not careful I will be attending the group as an addict. I really don't want to be a "co-dependent," but with my loving selfless personality I can easily fall into that roll.

I am not proud to say I am on marriage number 3, but I am happy to say that I have learned a lot from husband number 1 and number 2. Husband number 3 should feel so blessed that I had a husband #1 and #2 to practice on. From Husband #2 I learned that I can not make anyone happy. Even if I create the perfect home and do everything he asks he will not be happy.  Happiness comes from within. So, as much as I want to make some one happy. I know I am powerless. I can avoid doing things that annoy you  and drive you crazy, but ultimately I can't "MAKE YOU HAPPY." And I also can't make you miserable. It goes both ways. I can do and say all I can to bring you comfort and reassurance till I'm blue in the face, but the only one that can help you besides you is GOD. And that is sometimes what it takes, praying to God and asking him for comfort and peace in your life. And to help you to enjoy each day, each moment. And sometimes what it takes is spending time with a little child and seeing them enjoying the little things in life. They are the ones who are the best ones to teach us to stop and smell the flowers. 

From being divorced this last time I learned that I don't need "a man." For many years I worried about what I would do if I didn't have a job that provided health insurance. Well, after leaving my last husband I have realized that if my job doesn't provide it, it's not the end of the world. I can obtain it on my own. After living on my own I have realized that I am very capable at finding my own housing and paying my own bills. I might not leave a life of luxury, but that's ok. I know I can make it on my own. 

Talking to a friend of mine the other day I realized that not all addictions are obvious. The common addictions are drug, alcohol, gambling, pornography, eating, hoarding.  Most of us never thought of hoarding as an addiction till they came out with that reality show. I guess this just goes to show that anything in excess is an addiction. In addition anything that we do to mask another problem is an addiction. So the person that takes one drink isn't an alcoholic, but that person that drinks in excess to mask their stress is an alcoholic. They drink so they don't have to think or feel. People also do this with food. They eat or don't eat when they are stressed. That is me, I don't eat when I'm stressed. And with someone like me who gets physically sick when they don't eat it's not a pretty site. Many dysfunctional families have family members that have addictions due to mask the pain.

My boss's mother engulfed her self in church to mask her pain. Yes, you look at her and go, wow, she is so spiritual. Being spiritual is great and all, but you need balance in your life and you can't bury yourself in god and service if it's to mask an underlying problem.

Thinking about addictions in this sense I think about my friend Luke who when we met was gay and now is married to an amazing women and has a few children.  I think he becoming gay as a way for him to deal with the trauma that was going on in his life and his gay lifestyle was his addiction. What was his trauma? His parents died suddenly in a plane crash with hundred of others and his family, him and his siblings were all torn apart and sent across the country to live with various relatives.  Unlike some I don’t believe people were born gay, you may say this is due to my religious upbringing and yes it is in a way, but it is more from knowing Luke.  As I come across other gay, lesbian, and transgender friends and learn their stories and I can see how they are all a lot like Luke, they all have gone though something traumatic.  My first ex is now a woman and would fall into the category transgender.  I left him because he hit me, but looking at it in this sense I can see how his transgender lifestyle is an addiction and until he takes the time and puts in the effort to deal with the underlying issues his addiction will continue and he will not find the happiness he seeks. I say it this way because we are all seeking happiness and peace in our lives. It doesn’t matter if we have ever met I know that you want to be happy. No one wakes up and says I want to have a really miserable, crappy day. We all wake up hoping to have an amazing joyous day. We all love to smile and laugh.

Thus said. I’m counting down, 2 hours till my massage. My bucket may have been emptied, but I have learned my lesson(for the millionths time) and it’s time to start filling it up. I have slowly been doing it this week by treating myself to some air conditioning. I hope this makes you laugh, because it is quite funny. I am so frugal that I would rather suffer in the heat then to waste money on air conditioning.  But once I hit rock bottom last week I turned the air on and wow it may not be much, but it kept me going just a little longer.  Some may indulge in chocolate, I indulged in a cool apt for a few days last week. It was like heaven.