I’m in desperate need of a good laugh. Life is just not going as planned at all. I am just not recovering from being burnt out and having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I just feel so alone in this whole mess. I am so exhausted when the alarm goes off in the morning, but I know that I have to go to work. I desperately need the income and my boss is counting on me. Then when I get to work I exhort the little energy that I have being perky and attentive to his needs. I bite my tongue as much as I can. And let me say it’s a really tough task at times, but I do my best as I continually reminding myself that I am being paid by the hour so it really doesn’t matter what I do. By the time I get out of work, or before then I’m totally whipped out. I really need a vacation from my life. I have so many worries and unfortunately they are all legit. I wish I could look at them and go, that could never happen. If only it was just my anxiety kicking in then reality. I have no idea how to escape out of this downward spiral. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in 6 months. I want the workshop to be a success and to be able to put this all behind me. I want to say giving up my Tuesdays and the $2,650 was all worth it and it was a good investment. I want so much to laugh again. I want to stop crying when no one is looking. I want to really feel deep down hope. I deep down I do believe that it will be a good investment. If I didn’t I wouldn’t take this gamble, because I’m not much of a gambling kind of girl. I love a sure thing. But, the truth is it isn’t a sure thing. I’ve done my research and it is the best program out there, but I worry is it good enough. Will he trust the program, trust me enough to let go of his old beliefs and let him self be healed by the atonement. Because I know that the only way to succeed in any of these programs is to fully hand your life over to Christ and once that is done miracles will happen. We need to all let go of our misconceptions and skewed beliefs in what ever and let God perform his miracles. I am trying my best to put all my faith in God and allow his will be done, what ever it may be. I need to know that I have done all I can do on my own and the rest is up to him.
This brings me back to the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
And thus my prayer must end “thy will be done.” Because the fact is I have done all I can to change what I can so I must now have faith in God he will take care of the rest. Now I just need some good friends to get me to laugh and some energy to laugh. I have no idea how to refill my well. I feel like one of those old pumps that needs water to prime in, but instead of using the last cup of water to prime it I made the mistake of drinking it. Now I wonder what can I do now as I can’t change the past. I am now at a total loss of what to do next other then pray, as that is all the energy I have. Oh, the other idea is just lie her and cry some more.
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