Talking myself out of a Panic Attack

Jumping for joy at seeing Stonehenge

I don't recall the last time I felt this anxious and stressed. On the anxiety meter I rate it as a 10. To start with Uhaul called to let me know that I don’t have a truck reservation. WTF. I called Uhaul on the 20^th and totally confirmed. They gave me a confirmation number and everything, what do you mean I don’t have a reservation?!  This could be a good think as I made a new reservation at a different location and I am able to pick it up at 7am vs 8am. But, now I’m not feeling so confident that my reservation will be valid. I would hate to arrive on Sat and for them to say sorry we ran out of trucks and we have no record of your order. Or like this women, told me your order wasn’t confirmed. What?! I confirmed it, what more of a confirmation was I suppose to get.   I’ll get back to you Sat and let you know the results.

I just got home from the therapist.  I just enrolled myself in weekly therapy.   What is killing me is I just signed a waver that said I would commit to a minimum of 6 months of this group at $275 a month.  I am terrible at making large purchases. (I once had a panic attack at IKEA. It was quite pathetic, it wasn’t even that much money, probably under $100, but being as frugal as I am it just about killed me.)  I talked to the group leader and she said most women finish the group in 2 years.  Everyone works at their own pace, but if it does take me 2 years that will be $6,600 and committing myself to going to this group every Tuesday from 6-7:30. Not only is that a HUGE financial commitment that is a huge time commitment. If you miss too many times they kick you out. (Don’t worry; I’m not going to give up my trip to Bali, that is out of the questions. And asking way too much, that would stress me out even more if I had to give that up.)  In addition I was hoping to go home with Randy for the Month of December.  He will be out of school and working back home and if my boss would let me, which I don’t know if he will I was hoping to go home with him.  Who knows after the last month I took off and taking off 2wks in Oct, who knows if I can even get it off.

So many things are going through my mind. Is it really that bad that I need this? I really don’t know the answer to that question. Right now I don’t think things are that bad, but I was taught to be prepared. Do all you can prior to the storm so when it does it won’t sweep you away.  So that is what I am doing. I am gathering all the tools I can to prevent the storm and then if or shall I say when it hits I will be able to withstand it. And if it should break down my barricade I will have the tools to quickly to clean up and repair the damage.

Thus I have to think of this as an investment. I am shelling out a little now, even thought 6 grand sounds like a bundle, in reality it’s only money, and it’s an investment.  An investment by nature is an expenditure for future benefits. Sometimes an investment can be time; such as we spend time practicing the piano so we will be good.  Other times it is financial. And like here it will be both time and financial for the benefit of a bright, happy, and healthy future.  Now I just need to keep reminding myself that all of the effort, time, and money is an investment.  I think I might need to write this on a card and post it on my mirror.

It wasn’t easy to find this group. It took tons of research, calling around and talking to people to find exactly what I was looking for. It took me two weeks to find it, but when you are feeling like your life is spinning out of control two weeks feels like forever.  So, I have to say I am blessed to have found it so quickly.  Not only that I am blessed to find a local group with a good reputation. I am well aware that groups/programs like these aren’t readily available everywhere. So I am very blessed to live in a city that offers these services. I am also blessed that my parents taught me to put lots of money in savings in case of an emergency. If it wasn’t for this there is no way I would be able to afford this type of treatment. Now I can only pray that a greater emergency doesn’t arise.

 I am so happy that I am not the person I was when I was 21 or even just a few years back. I am so happy that in 2009 I broke out of my comfort zone and opened my mouth. So much has changed since then.  It is amazing how much progress one can make in just a few years.

Just in case you our dumbfounded as to why I posted a picture of me jumping for joy in front of Stonehenge, let me tell you. Even though I felt my life spinning out of control this past couple of weeks, in all reality life is good.  I am on a road to recovery.  I am very blessed to have all the friends that I do.  If it weren’t for my friends I wouldn’t be where I am today. 

And why did I take this picture in the first place: I was thrilled to see something I had only seen in books and in movies. And I was on my Honeymoon at a site where I knew no one so if they all laughed who cares, I'm never going to see them again.