(Abuse is all about the abusers need for power and control)
1. Financial: Withholding money, putting you on a unrealistic budget, putting everything or nothing in your name, hiding, controlling, not letting you work, stealing, preventing education, getting you fired, destruction f property, drugs & alcohol, forcing evictions.
2. Spiritual: Forcing their beliefs on you, not letting you practice your religion, not letting you better yourself, making you do things or not letting you do things in the name of scripture, Isolation from friends family, society, not allowing you to express yourself, put downs, etc.
3. Emotional: Crazy making (moving things around and denying it so you think you are crazy, or saying things or denying saying things so you think you are crazy), Calling names, isolation, blame, lying, degradation, humiliation, brain washing, stalking etc.
4. Sexual: Rape, with holding sex, forcing to do something you aren't comfortable with, Prostitution, birth control, use of pornography, using sexual history, unwanted sex acts, affairs or threats, comparing to others, physical put downs, etc.
5. Physical: Hitting, biting, chocking, strangling, poking, kicking, hair pulling, pinching, tickling, no sleep, throwing items, burning, blocking, punching a wall or breaking something or clenched fists (This is a threat of abuse and saying, if you don't behave you will be next.)
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Last week’s class at Weave was about reasons people stay and leave abusive relationships. It wasn’t till I took this class that I realized how abusive Randy was and is. I was shocked. No wonder my therapist wanted me to go and get educated. I am defiantly being educated and my eyes are really opening to a whole new world. A world where a man has this sick desperate need to control and when he feels like things are out of his control the lengths he will go, to regain control. I remember that last night there; he blocked my way so I couldn’t leave. Later I asked him why he did it and he said “He didn’t know what else to do.” When I heard that it scared me, even more then the act itself. If he felt that out of control and didn’t know what else to do, what would he do next? Now, that is scary and that is the reason I never went back. Some may say I was lucky as he never physically hurt me, but the mental abuse, and threats were enough to send me running for my life.
In class they had us make a list of the reasons we stayed in an abusive relationship and the reasons we left.
Husband #1 He hit me the 1st wk we were married. It took me 6months living in fear before I got the courage to leave him. I felt stupid for marrying him and ashamed and embarrassed, but knew I couldn’t live my whole life in fear so I finally sucked up my pride and left him. It took around 15 years to ever admit to anyone he hit me.
Husband #2 The abuse started before we were married, but I had such low self-esteem that I stayed. I did break up with him, but he begged me back, promised to give up drinking and change so I went back to him. In addition life where I was living wasn’t that great so to escape from one back place I went to another. He was never horrible abusive, nothing like my 3rd husband, and nothing like any of the women’s stories that I have met in my group, but it still wasn’t right. It wasn’t a healthy relationship. And my battle with depression and anxiety kept me locked in there. It took me 10 years to break free and I have to say I still love and care about him deeply. He is my best friend and when I needed somewhere to go when my 3rd husband was out of control his house is the 1st place I thought of. I knew I would be safe there. Now that we are not married our relationship is different now, we were able to step out of our old routines. I am so thankful for his hospitality and for him taking care of me for several months when I left husband #3, but I had to get out of there due to as much as I loved him and cared for him, the reason I had left him were still there. He hadn’t changed. He is still an alcoholic and has anger issues.
Husband #3 He controlled me before we were even dating. I can see it now. He manipulated me to get what he wanted from day 1. I didn’t notice this till I was educated at WEAVE with ever class I attend I am seeing more and more ways he manipulated me and different ways he abused me.
I am sickened by the thought of people using prestige and power to manipulate someone. I am not talking about fame and fortune I am talking about things with in my church how people can use the idea that they are a current temple recommend holder as proof that they are a righteous person. Now I know that these are things you cannot judge by. This is quite sickening. Don’t get me wrong I know I am far from perfect myself. And you are the first to know as I have a whole blog here listing many of my follies. Thus in now way do I ever put my self on a pedestal and judge. He on the other hand put his self on a pedestal and thought he was so much better then me, he judged me like no one else. He nick picked my whole life and held me accountable for every folly I ever made since birth and thought he had to forgive me for all my wrong doings. It was as if he wanted to be Christ our Lord and be my judge and master, how could I have been so blind. I guess I didn’t fully grasp this till after we were married and in therapy so I guess I shouldn’t beat myself up too much over this. It’s amazing how much came out in therapy; the more we went the more I learned about him and how sick he was. I have to say those 100 dollar sessions were a lot upfront, but in the end they paid for them self.
Prior to marriage he told me he had an addiction to porn. He said he really wanted to overcome this so I was ok with it. I had faith he could overcome it and it wouldn’t affect our relationship. And the truth is Addictions have little to do with abuse. For way too long I let him blame his abuse toward me on his addiction, then on his ADD. What I have learned from Weave is those are excuses we as victims make for our abusers. They are not reason for their behavior. Once they get over their addiction or get help they need for their learning disability they will still be abusers.
Some people say too good to stay too good to go. Well there was nothing too good to stay. The only thing I was giving up was a fantasy of what I thought I had, hopes and dreams for the future and my pride that once again I messed up in picking a guy and lots of money. Out of all the husbands so far, this one takes the cake. He gave nothing and took everything. He didn’t even financially support me. All he ever did was took and continued to demand more. I gave him everything and he continually demanded more. He was unbelievable in that sense.
And I thank God that I had enough sense on my head to not let him knock me up. No wonder why he wanted to start a family so soon. He wanted to keep me trapped.
I am like all of the women in there, have been with men that need to control us and want to make it our fault. If we hadn’t done this or said that then they wouldn’t have done this or that. These men are sick and they are so skilled at manipulation. They can turn anything around to make us believe it is our fault. Thus by the time we get to WEAVE we are beaten down and confused. We question ourselves and if we really were abused or if we were the abusers. Our self esteem has been crushed so much that that we have no self-worth. I have been in the class for 10 weeks now and am continuing to learn new things each week. Getting a better understanding of what happened and why it happened. I am learning so much about myself and how to avoid getting myself back into a similar situation.
I am not the same person who first walked into WEAVE. None of us can change our abusers, but we have 100% control of changing us and that is what we are doing. Meet the new me.
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