Remembering what I REALLY want.

Snowboarding Jan. 14, 2012

Inspiration comes to us in different ways. Sometimes it’s a picture, a smell, something someone says, a song, movie, play, or passage from a book.  Lately for me it has been from books. A passage will just strike a cord and will inspire me and make clear something that has been so foggy in the past.  The latest revelation I blogged about came about while reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (Dec. 27, 2011 entitled Soul Mates).  I thought I had put this dilemma of sorts put to rest, but after watching the movie The Adjustment Bureau last night I’m not sure if I fully understand.  What can I say; if you had read my blog disclosure you would know that my thought process continues to evolve.  If you haven’t read it, this is a good time to read it. To get to it click the link at the top of the page. 

The other day I was wondering if I’m giving up what I want most for what I want now, when all of a sudden it dawned on me “I have no idea any more what I want most.” This movie brought back to my remembrance what I want most.  It reminded me of an experience I had back in March of 1996, which left me knowing what I wanted most.  Off and on for the past 16 years I have been working on obtaining this, but as you all know life has a tendency to get in the way and even with the best plan and intentions we may not always be able to achieve the goals we most desire on “OUR” timeline.

Talking with my roommate last night I wonder if I really had gotten so off track the last 16 years in achieving my goal or did God have another plan for me. I say this because of a comment my roommate made; he said, “I should have been here 10 years ago.”  What he was referring to was his career path, his career was greatly effected by the crash of the dot.com and the economy.  I then looked at the last 10-16 years and wondered if things really did get so off track for either of us or are we just so hell bent on having things go as we want it, that we believe we are off track.  I’m really beginning to believe the latter as I am not even close to the person I was 16 years ago. Through lots of crazy life experiences that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone I am who I am today.

He commended to me on how impressed he was that after 3 marriages I came out on top. I am not your typical woman. I am stronger, more independent, more mature and overall happier person then I was 16 years ago. I couldn’t be who I am today with out those experiences.

It amazes me at how easily and often I forget something so important to me.  Now that I remember hopefully I won’t forget this time. I have a good feeling that I may actually be getting what I was promised/shown 16 years ago.  It’s not how I imagined it, but maybe that’s been my problem all along I have tried to navigate my life on my own and have not depended enough on God to lead my life.  So, here I am now, surrendering.  For a control freak like me giving up control is one of the hardest things.